Life in the Detours

Diagnosis Day

2011-12-08T11:00:00.000-08:00

One year ago today, we got our diagnosis.

Endometriosis.

That unexpected diagnosis changed the rules of the game and we unexpectedly headed straight to IVF/ICSI.

One year later, as I type this, baby girl is sleeping on my chest. And as I feel the weight of her little body on me, and feel the softness of her wispy hair on her tiny little head, I am in awe that we are here. Four long years, but we are here. It was a scary decision to jump into IVF- scary physically, emotionally, and financially. But I am so glad we did. There are no words.

Mastitis= cursing and absolute discouragement

2011-11-17T19:08:00.000-08:00

Double Mastitis.

Which is just the icing on the cake of a long two weeks worth of a bazillion hurdles and barriers to breastfeeding. Where my motivation to stick with it is coming from, is beyond me. I have no idea why I haven't thrown in the towel. I am SO done with this mess in so many ways, but also am devastated by the idea of giving up.

Baby is fighting the breast right now. Pumping volume is dismal. We are barely hanging on.

And the thing that angers me is that the exhaustion and frustration I feel is robbing me of precious minutes with my baby girl. I want to enjoy and revel in every minute I can with her. And instead I am sore, tired, frustrated, and she is confused and fussy.

I don't know what will happen next. I am NOT ready to consider giving this up.

On the positive side- we weighed her today at the midwife clinic just to see how she was doing (she was really slow to gain weight in the first few days) and to my surprise she is now pretty much on track to regaining her birth weight in the two week period they want to see. So, struggle as we might (and we ARE!) at least she is getting what she needs, some how, some way.

I'd much rather be writing her birth story or cuddling her in our new moby wrap rather than venting about breast feeding.

"Breast is best". F&#k that. Why is it so frickin' hard then?

1 week later- Update Post Pregnancy

2011-11-12T04:45:00.000-08:00

I thought I would do one more Weekly Update as to life after to pregnancy, similar to the weekly updates I posted throughout - (and birth story is in the process of being written, as well as I'll post her name and more pics soon).

Maternity Clothes? Since the birth, I've lived in yoga pants and nursing tank tops. Grateful to have everything (from my maternity wardrobe at least) fitting with a bit more room. Since my milk has come in, we are going to have to reassess bras and shirts as the volume of the girls has grown!

Weight Gain? All in all I gained 41 pounds. Far more than I had planned, but in the end I just don't feel like there was a whole lot differently I could have done about it. 1 week post birth I have lost 18 pounds.

Stretch Marks? None at all which still amazes me. I have a slight linea nigra, but very light.

Sleep? Last night was the first night that I can say that I felt sleep deprived. During this past week I think thanks to adrenaline I am sure, I have just soaked up every minute of this time and haven't minded in the least bit that I am barely sleeping. I am just now starting to be better about trying to sleep when she does.

Best Moment of the Week? Her birth, her smell, her soft head, her squeaks, the visitors, her newborn photo session, the weight of her as she sleeps on my chest, watching DH melt in her presence, the overwhelming outpouring of joy from our friends and family, the influx of "pink" pouring into our house. Everything.

Movement? I had a few phantom "kicks" in the first 24 hours, where it felt like it used to feel when she was in me.

Food Cravings? Oh,joy of joys! food is no longer my foe. It tastes good again, really good. Doesn't give me heartburn. So grateful.

Gender? All girl! I was shocked- I think I had prepared mentally for a boy.

What i miss? Oh, this is hard to answer. My first gut response? Nothing, I miss nothing about being pregnant. I will never ever take for granted my pregnancy and don't want to sound ungrateful. I would do it 100 times over to get to this place. It just really wasn't easy at all for me. I felt sick or in pain for almost the whole 40 weeks. The relief I felt (and still feel), both physcially, and emotionally, about no longer being pregnant was so instantaneouns when she was born.

I hoped my wedding rings would fit by now- they still don't. :( I miss wearing them.

Symptoms: Pregnancy symptoms G-O-N-E. Completely.

Looking forward to: Everything. Every second of the day. Right now we are hunkering down and staying at home at least until Monday (1st midwife appointment post-partum). But i am starting to get excited about going out in public for the first time with her.

Weekly Wisdom: "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us..." Ephesians 3.20

Milestones: I am a mom. Enough said.

Emotions: Pure Joy. Pure Contentness. And surprisingly feeling more confident about my mom role than I thought I would feel.

Pictures from the first week

2011-11-11T07:07:00.000-08:00

5 Hours old

4 days old

6 days old, favorite place to sleep on mom or dad's chest

She is here!

2011-11-05T11:15:00.000-07:00

It's a girl, and I am at a loss for words. Born last night 11/4/11 at 11:31pm. 3 days past her due date.

Full details to come.

After 4 years, 40 weeks, and 3 days of waiting....it is impossible to begin to describe what I am feeling.

I am a mom.

Past due

2011-11-02T17:22:00.000-07:00

I haven't given much thought to the world of being "past" my due date. I think due dates are hokey- and I don't like how much we focus on them. But To be honest, i really thought I'd have this baby before my "due date". I had a pretty strong intuition about it- well, it was wrong. But all in all- I have really been glad I have had these last 5 days since finishing work to just relax. I feel far more settled. And I don't feel too anxious about going past my due date.

But I will admit- that this morning, as my eyes opened and my head lifted off the pillow on today, the day AFTER my due date, the first thought to cross my mind was:

"What if this baby never comes?"

LOL! Granted- not a rational thought. I know it will come on its own time. But I found it funny that that is the thought my subconscious produced as I was waking up this morning.

40 Weeks- And still pregnant

2011-11-01T05:00:00.000-07:00

How Far Along? 40 Weeks; My due date - 11/1/11. The date that has been hovering out there since the day we found out our IVF cycle worked. Actually-   that date has been ingrained even before then- as I started calculating and reclacluating the estimated due dates from the time we knew when our Egg Retrieval would be.

Today is my due date. Amazing. Crazy.

Maternity Clothes? Yoga pants are my favorite. I want nothing to do with socks these days.

Weight Gain? Not sure; don't want to know right now.

Stretch Marks? None; Not sure how that happened- I haven't been using any lotions/cremes because I didn't believe they actually worked.

Sleep? Same as it has been all pregnancy- wake up once every night. Not a big deal.

Best Moment of the Week? Our church included us in the prayers on Sunday at worship, and my tears flowed out of gratitude for where we are at and for our church family that has been with us this whole journey..

Movement? Yes, but can tell it is crowded in there.

Food Cravings? Everything dairy; don't ask me why. And apples too. Overall, food isn't my friend again these days.

Gender? Will know so so soon.

What i miss? Right now I am doing a pretty good job reminding myself of how soon baby will be here and so all the aches and woes seem temporary.

Symptoms: Really tender in my pelvis, walking is really tough right now. Heartburn. Exhaustion. No sign of my mucous plug; I have had a few fleeting moments when I thought maybe I was having some practice contractions, but really hard to say for sure.

Looking forward to: Everything

Weekly Wisdom:   "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us..." Ephesians 3.20

Milestones: Due date! And I finally found a bringing-baby-home outfit that I love.

Emotions:Mostly numb. Trying to just stay in the present moment.

MIdwife Appointment @ 39 weeks 6 days

2011-10-31T13:13:00.000-07:00

I didn't have many questions today at my midwife appointment and lately these weekly appointments have been pretty boring as we are all pretty much waiting. My blood pressure has been perfect all pregnancy, not much swelling, heartbeat has been strong, baby is head down and has stayed that way, our midwives don't really do cervical dilation exams- so it has just been a waiting game. I report on my symptoms, all which are normal.

But I love that it is time for me to just talk about the baby and the birth and get to know them and they get to know me. I love all my midwives and really can't say that I have a preference which one I end up getting at the birth.

Today was helpful for a couple of reasons.

She explained that my extreme exhaustion is probably due to shifting hormones that are gearing up. I had started feeling like maybe it was because I wasn't eating well enough, or because I had gotten lax on taking my iron supplement. but she said it is normal which was reassuring to hear.

She also said that my increased milky vaginal discharge was normal and probably my mucous plug starting to deteriorate. She said that not everyone will know when it is gone as it can just disingrate over time which I also appreciated learning.

The underside of my belly has been excruciatingly sore lately- ligaments or muscles down there. I'm fine with I am laying still or sitting still but walking, rolling over, standing/sitting are SO tender. OOOooo! She assured me it is normal which even though the knowledge of that doesn't provide me with relief from the pain, ut always feels like a weight off my shoulders to know that it is well within the norm. I feel like I can cope with it better knowing that it is just part of the process in some pregnancies.

And she reminded me what dear blog friends reminded me on my last post- and that is that this is sacred time to just take care of me and to take each day for what it is. It is so true, and I was so so moved by the comments left on my last post. Everything was exactly what I needed to be reminded of. Again, one of the many reasons this blog community means so much to me.

So, I'm off to take a nap, and then not sure- but just enjoying not having an agenda to my day today.

Joy overflowing?

2011-10-30T09:54:00.000-07:00

You know that feeling when you were a kid, and Christmas was the next day, and you just couldn't contain you excitement?

Or the feeling when it was the last day of school, and all you had left to do as a class was clean out your desks? And the walk home felt so exhilarating because you knew the entire summer awaited?

That is how I think I SHOULD feel. But instead- I just feel a bit ...I don't know how I feel. I'm not outright scared. I'm not dreading what is to come. I'm don't feel bad.... I just don't feel much. And it is bothering me.

I feel like I SHOULD feel more.

Everyone around us is SO absolutely beside themselves, they are outright giddy with excitement.

I know when I look back on this post, that I will wish I had given myself more grace right now. Because if I stop and think about it- it isn't any surprise that I feel a bit in a blur right now.

We have waited for this for so long. It has been four years since we decided we were ready for this. four long dark y-e-a-r-s.

Both of our Due Dates from our two miscarriages were in October. And I have yet to write my annual post about those loses. October was twice the graveyard for hopes dashed. And now we are here - again- yet in a very different place in life.

We are days away from holding our child in our arms. A child I have carried in me for 39 weeks and 5 days so far. A child I have prayed for, bargained with, pleaded for. A child that takes my breath away if I really let myself acknowledge the depth of the love I have for this little one.

And yet- I think I remain guarded. Unable to feel that overflowing joy of a kid before Christmas or before summer break. Unable to let the flood gates open.

I am holding back.

I don't want to hold back. I want for this little one to know my overflowing love for it, even while we await its arrival. I don't want to feel like I SHOULD be feeling something more than I am.

I don't want this little one to ever feel anything less from me than unbridled joy for every fiber of its being.

I don't want the grief of yesterday to take away from any of this right now.

I don't want to be holding back.

Commence maternity leave

2011-10-27T20:12:00.000-07:00

As of 2:30pm today, I was out the door of my office and my maternity leave official has begun. My head is spinning.

I have done some intense barganing with baby to at least stay put for 24 hours. I so look forward to having a full day to do nothing. Rather, a full day to do what I want to do and not be worried about work.

I'll also admit that I feel a flood of emotions about being done with my job ("done" meaning temporarily done- I still may go back, I still may quit- jury is still out though). Well to be honest, I have had a flood of emotions about my job in general this pregnancy. That was something I definitely didn't expect- I loathed my job so intensely in the first part of my pregnancy. Then there was a time period where it was fine, I could tolerate it- didn't love it but didn't hate it. And then this last trimester has been a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts- I am sure mostly tied to me re-navigating my identity and what my career does or doesn't have to do with my identity. (Not to mention a big shake up in our office that has been insane). But bottom line- my emotions have been all over the map when it comes to my career, this job, my dreams and thoughts for the future. All over the map. And I wasn't expecting that. I truly thought if I were to get pregnant I would easily walk away from this job. As it never was meant to be a long term gig..

I need a bit of time emotionally to decompress and step into this world of maternity leave. Hoping the baby gives me a little time. I will be taking 4 months off for maternity leave and I really feel like I am poised to be able to have clear boundaries with my office so that I don't get sucked in to doing work or answering umpteen questions while I am on leave.

I am so so so treasuring this next window of time. And I know that it is time I will never get back.

It is getting more and more real

39 Weeks (How is that even possible?!!)

2011-10-25T05:39:00.000-07:00

How Far Along? 39 Weeks (how in the world did we get here. I truly can't fathom it)

Maternity Clothes? Yep; some shirts are getting a bit short. Some pants are getting a wee bit snug :( - I would love to just live in my yoga pants until baby arrives. :)

Weight Gain? Not sure; don't want to know right now.

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Same as it has been all pregnancy- wake up once every night. Not a big deal.

Best Moment of the Week? Clean carpets and a decluttered house. Also loved my midwife appointment yesterday- just love love love all three of my midwives. .

Movement? Yes, but the quiet phases are getting longer (hours at a time). I don't like when baby is quiet.

Food Cravings? Everything dairy; don't ask me why.

Gender? Will know so so soon.

What i miss? I definitely am starting to crave having my body back- being able to exercise, bend at the waist, roll over in bed pain free. No complaints-this is all small in the big scheme of things. I am grateful to be able to experience pregnancy, but also glad it is time limited and not a constant state of being.

Symptoms: Pelvic tenderness and (Warning - major TMI) major pressure on my rectal area. It is the strangest feeling but the head feels like it is pressing right there. Oh, the things I had never contemplated before.

Looking forward to: Last day of work on Thursday

Weekly Wisdom: Breathe,

Milestones: Major items on "preparing for baby" to-do list are done.

Emotions: Can't even begin to sum up the range of emotions.

Ready enough, I think

2011-10-23T17:22:00.000-07:00

I think I feel ready. Not emotionally (heck no), but ready from the perspective of my "to-do" list. And there was a time not too many days ago that it felt like I'd never feel ready. All the important things that I felt like HAD to happen before baby arrived are done:

-Car seat bought and inspected (so grateful for free Car seat inspection drop-in day at our local hospital otherwise I would have never figured out how to get our base installed snugly)
-Bassinet set up and sheets washed (we don't have a crib yet, but will figure that out when we need one)
-Dresser purchased and moved into nursery
-Baby clothes washed and sorted by size with enough clothes to get by in the newborn and 0-3month ranges
-1 week of diapers on hand (we are starting with disposables and then switching to cloth at some point in the near future)
-Supplies for me (nursing, who-ha care, etc)
-I "think" we have all the basic supplies and gear (boppy, swing, bouncy seat, a couple of carriers, all hand-me-downs which is wonderful)
-Overnight bags are (mostly) packed (I keep unpacking things and then forgetting if I repacked them so I really should double check)
-Most critical stuff at work has been passed on to someone else (for the most part), even though I am technically working until this Friday
-Carpets are clean, house is put back together
-Car has an appointment on Wednesday to get a good detailing inside and out (no, it isn't critical that this be done before baby comes, but I will feel better getting it out of the way and I got a good deal on Grou.pon)
-Email list is compiled for "birth announcement" (I am tickled that I also got our snail mail list of addresses for mailing birth announcements/xmas cards all ready to go- I figured that might be hard to get done once baby is here so I got it all organized ahead of time)

With this done I no longer feel the panic of not being "ready". Although there is plenty I would love to still get done before baby arrives, but none of it is on the critical list. Now, during the waiting time I can just poke away at the list and not feel the pressure of it HAVING to get completed.

Now if my emotions would just catch up and feel "ready" for what is to come we'd be good to go.

Nesting (?) and other random thoughts

2011-10-21T18:38:00.000-07:00

I've been wondering lately whether nesting is myth or fact or something in between. I've heard many moms talk about in hindsight the insane cleaning they felt compelled to do right before labor started. I have had a nesting urge during this pregnancy, but it felt a lot stronger earlier on. Now my body feels so sore and tired, I can't even fathom an all out "nesting" episode.

***********************
In our birth class, the first of the 11 (?) couples had their baby. They sent out pictures and a birth story. And I see the pic of mom and dad, sitting in the hospital bed, with newborn baby, everyone a glow, and I just can't imagine that will actually be us. Soon! The round belly with an alien inside of it seems so far disconnected from the concept of a wiggly, crying baby in my arms. I just can't fathom there actually being a baby- our baby- at the end of this. It still feels like something that only happens to other people. I don't know when or if it will ever feel real.***********************************
Our carpets are cleaned. I am still so excited. But I will admit it has been a lot of work. I was in so much pain today in my pelvis and back from over doing it. and the house is SO unsettled as we let everything dry that DH and I are both discombobulated. But they look so nice and fresh and I am bound and determined to not let any clutter return when we start putting things back. It feels so good to have the rooms all emptied out.
*********************************
I've had some anxiety lately - a feeling that I should someone "feel" more ready, or "feel" more excited about how close we are to baby time. But going back to my previous thoughts shared, it just doesn't feel real. And as a result, I can't fathom the joy that is (from everything everyone tells me) just around the corner. I am really having a hard time imagining what is to come.

I love you Mr. Carpet Cleaner

2011-10-20T19:42:00.000-07:00

We are having our carpets cleaned tomorrow morning and I am so giddy I can't contain myself. I love our lil home and we remodeled it almost from the bare bones when we bought it so there is love and sweat personally poured into every bit of it. I've used a friends home carpet cleaner a couple of times in the past, but this is the first time we've had it professionally done. And I am so excited. DH just rolls his eyes. And prepping for the carpet cleaner is plenty of work- and moving stuff off the carpet isn't really anything I can help with. So, I don't blame DH for not being enthusiastic as me- but grateful he is being a good sport.I don't know why, but it just feels like having the carpets cleaned is one of the Nesting rites of passage before baby comes. And it makes me feel like we are that much closer. Once carpets are cleaned I can really get things settled- where as so far, a lot of things have been 1/2 done as we were awaiting the carpets being cleaned.Thanks Mr. Carpet man for making my day.

Now and then

2011-10-20T06:49:00.000-07:00

DH's cell phone rang in the other room. I hear him answer the phone and excitedly greet a good friend of his that he hasn't talked to in a while. A friend that lives in the area that he used to see on a regular basis. As guys are prone to do, they waste no time in cutting to the chase of getting caught up in life. I hear the joyous excitement rise in Dh's voice as his friend tells him that he and his wife re expecting, due in January. As I type this, DH is giggling like a school girl, and giving high fives through the telephone to his friend. He is so excited to have a friend who is having a baby right after us.And my mind drifts back to memories of pregnancy announcements- to times in which the same phone call took place, with other friends, in years past, at a time when pregnancy seemed so elusive. And I remember the pain that seared through me. And I wish I could go back and hold that "me" in my arms and make those years of pain go away. I wish for all those who know all to well what I am talking about- I wish for all of that hurt to not exist.

This little piggy

2011-10-19T12:41:00.000-07:00

A package arrived in the mail from my favorite Aunt. This Aunt means the world to me. If this baby is a girl, the middle name will be this Aunt's middle name. One thing I know about my aunt is that she is not one to hold on to sentimental stuff. They have a small place and she has only kept a small amount of important things through the years. And the fact that she has been waiting these many long years, along side us, waiting to give this baby this gift brought tears for both DH and I when we opened.

Introducing Lil Piggy...

Here is the letter she included with piggy.

September 13, 2011

Dear much loved baby,
I have been waiting so long to give you my old piggy bank. It was given to me when I was 4 or 5 years old by my favorite Auntie, who was my mom's sister. It is almost an antique!

Your Grandpa and I were very poor growing up as little kids. However, we never felt poor. When we were given a piece of gum , it had to last us 2 days. So, at the end of the day I would take the gum out of my mouth, and stick it on the top of my piggy bank. The next day I would have a wad of stale, tasteless gum to chew for another day. It made me very happy that my piggy protected my gum.

I even used piggy to save my 5 cent a week allowance. On our birthdays we would also get our age in pennies along with a small gift. It took a long time for my piggy to get full. You will notice, there is not an opening in piggy to get the money out. Do not break it open! When I needed money, I would lay on my back on the bed, hold piggy upside down and use a nail file to slide each coin out. It took forever!!
This piggy bank was multi purpose. It saved all my pennies and it saved all my gum. I hope this piggy bank brings you as many riches and fond memories as it did for me.

I love you already,
Great Auntie

38 Weeks

2011-10-18T06:42:00.000-07:00

How Far Along? 38 Weeks

Maternity Clothes? Yep

Weight Gain? Not sure

Stretch Marks? No (this amazes me)

Sleep? Same as it has been all pregnancy- wake up once every night. Not much of a complaint though.

Best Moment of the Week? First meeting with Doula; feels like such a great fit. Also had a get together with couples from one of our baby classes that was so much fun.

Movement? yes,

Food Cravings? Not craving much

Gender? Will know in 2 weeks give or take-

What i miss? Wearing my wedding rings. Being able to put my pants on while standing up.

Symptoms: Pelvic tenderness. Otherwise feeling amazingly good.

Looking forward to: Next yoga class; So weird to be one of the ones in my "due time"- there is always a collective awe in the room when I say how far along I am.

Weekly Wisdom: Learn to say yes to offers for help

Milestones: Car seat is installed; not entirely perfect, but at least it is installed. And we have enough of the basic necessities that we are ready enough if baby comes.

Emotions: Roller coaster

Wishing I could stay pregnant forever

2011-10-15T13:25:00.000-07:00

I never thought I'd say that. Ever.

This pregnancy hasn't been easy. And as an IFer, it is really hard to admit that I haven't loved every minute of being pregnant. I have blogged some about how yucky I have felt, but I truly haven't let it all fly here. Good old infertility guilt has filtered how much I write.

But the truth is that for most of this pregnancy I have truly wondered if I would ever want to choose to do this again. Cuz it has been tough. really tough.

But being that honest makes me feel ungrateful. And it makes me feel like somehow it takes away from the beauty of the awe filled moments- the kicks with DH's hand on my belly late at night, the hiccups while I am in staff meeting that only I am aware of. All of that is beyond amazing...it just hasn't been easy. I've just felt putrid sick for most of the time.

But lately? The last week and half? Get this- I have felt really really good. Who in the world finally starts to feel good at 37 weeks? But that's been the case for me. and I am so grateful. I truly feel like I am experiencing what I hear when women say how much they loved being pregnant. I couldn't fathom what they were talking about- now I know.

My body feels good, I'm sleeping fairly well, blood pressure still perfect, food agrees with me. I have sufficient energy. Love feeling baby in me. I love my belly and my body and feel more comfortable in my own skin than I have during this pregnancy.

Go figure.

It even crossed my mind that I wouldn't mind feeling this way forever. It seems so ironic that just as I am supposed to be at my most uncomfortable, nearing my due date, instead I finally feel good.

No complaints- taking it a day at a time, and grateful for all of it.

37 Weeks- DUE TIME!

2011-10-11T06:11:00.000-07:00

How Far Along? 37 Weeks - Officially in my "due time" Amazing.

Maternity Clothes? I bought some more last week. It seems silly given how close I am, but I just very much disliked my one pair of jeans. The few things I got from Old Navy will be just perfect for the remainder of the pregnancy. It took me all this time but I finally came to the conclusion I despise full panel maternity pants. I tried to like the two pair I own, but just didn't work for me.

Weight Gain? 37

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Same as it has been all pregnancy- wake up at 330am ish every night. Not much of a complaint though.

Best Moment of the Week? Maternity photo shoot

Movement? Had a pretty big scare Tuesday- Hadn't felt baby move much at all over the weekend. Midwife sent me immediately for biophysical u/s and NST. All is well- baby just moved into a position that it is harder for me to feel movement. Did not like the scare one bit.

Food Cravings? Dairy and smoothies and apples.

Gender? Will know in 3 weeks give or take-

What i miss? Wearing my wedding rings. Being able to put my pants on while standing up.

Symptoms: Pelvic pain. Otherwise feeling amazingly good.

Looking forward to: Maternity leave

Weekly Wisdom:

Milestones: Birth class done; Full term and fully baked- 37 weeks. Amazing.

Emotions: Sheer joy and also panic all at the same time.

Belly Pics Updated

2011-10-10T22:00:00.000-07:00

I finally got around to adding pics from 29 weeks and 37 weeks on my Belly Pics page - So hard to fathom I am 37 weeks pregnant tomorrow.

Where will this blog go

2011-10-09T19:56:00.000-07:00

I've read along as other bloggers navigated the transition from TTC to IF to Pregnancy and motherhood. And inevitably there is always the reflective blog post on what direction the blog will go, whether the blogger will keep blogging and a sense of reevaluating identity in the midst of that. I feel those questions already swirling in my own mind as I wonder where I will go with this blog. I don't know the answer yet, but I can say this much.

I needed this blog. No ifs ands or buts. It was my therapy. My healing space. My grieving space. And the space in which I kept cautiously dipping my toes in the river of hope over and over again.

I needed all you bloggers. This community kept me grounded. Walked with me post by post. Wiped my tears. Reassured me that I wasn't alone. And never judged who I was or where I was at in life.

And now as our lives are about to enter a new chapter, I am not sure what I will need. I feel a bit like I am being pulled away from this blog. Which makes me how I will feel after baby comes. Maybe I will find I need this blog in new ways? Maybe I will feel that this chapter is closed? I don't know...

I can say that I plan to keep bloggin until the kiddo is born. Weekly updates have been great for my own record of this pregnancy and I still find I need this reflective space as well.

I also will write the birth story and share pics. I blog anonymously, as I am pretty intensely private, so anonymous bloggin is most comfortable for me. But I do plan to post pics and at least leave them up on my blog for a bit.

After that, I ask that you bear with me as I figure out what next. Life is about to take another turn in the road and I am not sure what it will look like or feel like....So, if I go dark for a while, i'm probably trying to figure it out and trusting I'll find some clarity as to the role of this space in the next chapter.

Lost

2011-10-08T14:17:00.001-07:00

In the last week I have:
lost my credit card
locked my keys in the car (but THOUGHT that I lost them)
lost my usb flashdrive
lost the cap to the maple syrup within minutes of taking it out of the fridge

All of the above were found/solved by DH. He just keeps laughing at me as I have nothing but mush for brains right now.

Sigh...

Obsessions and Anxiety

2011-10-03T21:06:00.000-07:00

I've been obsessed with looking for a dresser for the baby's room. Obsessed.

And it is so unlike me. We really aren't decorating a nursery. Our small condo needs to be multi functional so the "baby's room" isn't quite yet exclusively a nursery. So we are making spaces for baby, but still with an eye to multi-functional.

I decided we needed more storage for baby clothes and diapers and I wanted a surface to make into a changing table, but didn't want to buy an actual changing table. So I started shopping on craigslist - and it turns out, not only was I very picky, but I was wanting to pay almost nothing for it. AND turns out- dressers are popular on CL, so hemming and hawing was not an option as they were selling fast. I have been scouring CL for a dresser for weeks with no luck. I have probably emailed a dozen different sellers and nothing has worked out yet.

Tonight I struck gold. I found the cutest lil dresser, perfect dimensions, perfect color and style for my taste and only $30! From the time I found it on CL to having it back home and in our quasi nursery- 2 hours flat. And DH humored me and went with as my pack horse to lug the thing into the car, even though he had a lot of work to do tonight.

I am so so pleased to be able to move on to my next obsession now that I have that off my list. For the record, I have no idea what on my to-do list is going to be my next obsession, but I am sure something will rise to the surface.

************************************

As we were leaving to go pick up the dresser, we opened our front door and a large box was sitting at our front door, dropped off by the UPS truck. Our car seat. Our baby's car seat. DH got all giddy, only to turn around and find me silently crying. I a surprised by how much it took my breath away- I mean, I ordered the dang thing, I KNEW it was coming soon. But to actually see it there on our front step was surreal...., or actually it was just so REAL.

I am just so so in awe that this is really happening. I can't believe we actually are going to need a car seat. in OUR car.

********************************

anxiety

it is rearing its head again. that constant worry that something is going to go wrong. that something IS wrong. I am spending way too much time analyzing every little baby movement (or lack there of) and sapping all my emotional energy in the meantime. I just wish I could be carefree. I wish I didn't know first hand that happy endings aren't always the way things go.
Breathe....

36 Weeks (on Tuesday)

2011-10-02T20:11:00.000-07:00

How Far Along? 35 weeks and 5 days (36 weeks on Tuesday)

Maternity Clothes? starting to feel some clothes are getting a bit small (think Dora the Explorer belly)

Weight Gain? I haven't weighed myself in several weeks. I feel like at this point knowing what the scale says at this point won't change my eating- I feeling like I am eating what I need to, so just letting my body/baby gain what it will in these final weeks.

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Same as it has been all pregnancy- wake up at 330am ish every night. Not much of a complaint though. I will say though that rolling over is painful in my pelvis region.

Best Moment of the Week? Doing first two loads of baby laundry and sorting baby clothes by size. Being able to feel baby parts (a butt in particular) when I poke at my belly.

Movement? Movement feels different. Not sure how to explain it.

Food Cravings? Nothing I can think of.

Gender? Will know in 4 weeks give or take-

What i miss? Wearing my wedding rings.

Symptoms: Pelvic pain, heartburn, feet feeling a bit swollen in my shoes, but don't look too swollen

Looking forward to: Final birth class, cutting back on my hours at work, getting carpets cleaned

Weekly Wisdom: Breathe.

Milestones: Tags removed from new baby clothes and washed and put away. Big milestone!

Emotions: Been more anxious lately. I worry when baby is more mellow- I don't like that at all. Also I am just in awe and a bit of a daze- not feeling like I am very present or grounded.

Reflections at 35 weeks

2011-09-27T07:25:00.001-07:00

Today marks 35 weeks. We will have a baby in our arms in no more than 7 weeks! And could be sooner. I am very aware of the "countdown" in everything I am doing these days. Don't get me wrong, I am so unbelievable excited, but anxiety and some moments of panic are creeping in. It is so surreal to wait for so long for this, to want this so badly for so many manys years. And then to be within weeks of becoming a family of three? It is so incredibly hard to wrap my head around.

34 weeks

2011-09-20T22:22:00.000-07:00

How Far Along? 34 weeks

Maternity Clothes? Yep

Weight Gain? up 2 from two weeks ago

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Same as it has been all pregnancy- wake up at 330am ish every night. Not much of a complaint though.

Best Moment of the Week? Getting a hand me down Ergo carrier and hiccups, LOVE when baby hiccups

Movement? Yes- baby feels so much bigger. Feels more like a chubby baby and less like and alien.

Food Cravings? Still picky. Been the norm.

Gender? Will know in 6 weeks give or take-

What i miss? Wearing my wedding rings. Easily putting on socks.

Symptoms: Pubic bone pain, sharp pain in rib under my right breast- both of which were wonderfully helped by my chiropractor, little bit more heartburn then before. Tired!

Looking forward to: Weekly birth class, Couples shower next week, cutting back on my hours at work

Weekly Wisdom: Breathe. Nothing is more important than you and baby's health and well-being right now.

Milestones:

Emotions: Mind is racing. Definitely high anxiety and stress related to work. Working to remedy this soon and cut back there.

Even I can't stand me right now

2011-09-18T22:54:00.000-07:00

I feel like I am having a mini-meltdown. Nothing I can put my finger on concretely. Just this feeling of being a basketcase through and through.

I have had an extremely short fuse. I am gruff with DH every other word. I don't find myself enjoying much that I normally know I would. I am easily overwhelmed by stupid small stuff and I can't even stand to be around myself I am so incredibly cranky.

I am plain grumpy and feeling a fragile and frazzled. I SO hope this mood is short lived.

I know I am in desperate need of some self-care. But you know when you are so depleted that even taking the steps to add a little self-care in your life seems SO daunting?

Sigh....

I have a massage and a haircut in the next two days. I at least scheduled that. I have scheduled myself "out of the office" for several blocks of time this week to shorten some of my days. I figure that is a good start.... I hope some extra rest can get me out of this funk. I need to rest. I need to not feel so overwhelmed. I don't feel like "me" and I don't like that.

Strange pregnancy moments

2011-09-11T08:28:00.000-07:00

I've done several posts during this pregnancy of some of the odd and the unexpected things. This one has been one I am noticing more and more.

Throughout our relationship DH and I have been big on walking hand in hand or arm in arm. We tend to be touchy people and like being close to each other that way. Since somewhere in the late 2nd trimester- this has changed. I can't handle being touched by him when we are walking. I've tried holding hands, arm in arm, his hand on the small of my back or around my waist- and it doesn't matter what we try- I just can't handle it.

I am not sure exactly what it is- but a big part of it is that walking while pregnant takes more concentration to balance and I find I am more aware of my pelvis area, keeping it aligned. And the distraction of extra sensory input of being in physical contact with DH is too much.

We laugh about it- it really seems so absurd. of the things I look forward to, walking hand in hand again is high on the list.

Workplace discrimination

2011-09-10T00:18:00.000-07:00

Perhaps I am naive, but I truly thought that I wouldn't have to even think about the possibility of pregnancy discrimination where I work. Sure, it crossed my mind and perhaps I believed there might be subtle discreet ways in which it would happen- but today it smacked me in the face.

My boss was fired last week. Craziness ensued. New boss put into the position that very day. FINALLY got a face to face sit down with her today (yes, HER!, and yes she is a mother), and I swear- everything she said was was straight out of the "how to get your self sued when supervising a pregnant employee." I was, and still am, aghast. In a nutshell, she tried to get me to admit that bonding with my kid was going to take priority over my career (and what was unsaid, or subtly said) was that I won't be able to focus on my career.

I also am learning in bits and pieces her vision for reorganization. And let's just say that my position is completely absent in the bits and pieces I have heard AND she plans to appoint a male from a different department to do my job. A male who I have felt like over and over has taken credit for my work.

I am just speechless and my head is a mess.

Really, I don't fuckin' care. I've complained about my job ad naseum here on the blog and I wanted out. But it feels so yucky to leave this way. I feel like it takes away from the hours I have poured into that place. It feels like I have just been shit on. I wish I could have left on my terms. I wanted to leave on my terms....

Nothing has been finalized so I don't know for sure how its going to go- but the writing is on the wall. And however it plays out, even if they pull their heads out of their butts and recognize the risk they take given my pregnancy rights and play fair, I still feel like who I am in my role there has been compromised.

It is all an ego thing. And as I sit here typing, the kid is having a party in my belly. And it pierces me to the core that I would spend even a second worrying about something as trivial as a job I don't like, never wanted, and had planned to leave. Why do I waste a single breath on something so unimportant? I am going to be a mom. Something I wanted and still want 100 fold more than this or any job. DH and I are going to be a family in a whole new way.

This job has been sucking me dry. And I do want out. But I am not sure yet if we can afford for me to walk away. I'm too scared to take the leap. But I don't want to leave as a result of feeling pushed out of the sandbox. And that is how it feels.

Sorry for the venting- I just don't know how to get out of my head and find my center again. I WANT TO BE FULLY PRESENT AND ENJOY THIS LAST WEEKS OF BEING PREGNANT AND THIS BS IS JUST NOT WORTH IT. But if feels like if I concede then I am admitting defeat. They won. And all my efforts there were wasted.

Hoping tomorrow and some serious rest brings some clarity from the emotional fog...

Long over due: 30, 31, 32

2011-09-07T19:12:00.000-07:00

This week is a 30, 31, 32 week update combined into one. Where or where has the time gone. Life has been - well, crazy- but I'll save the details of the craziness for another post.

How Far Along? 32 weeks 1 day

Maternity Clothes? Bought a few more shirts, so I would have something fun to wear to our showers and because I was getting a little tired of my options in my closet.

Weight Gain? 32; Not at all what I had planned on gaining, but the most frequent comment I get lately is how surprised people are that I am as far along as I am. I guess people think I look on the small size belly wise. So go figure...I just have a plan for being very diligent in losing it afterwards.

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Okay- not great, but not a huge inconvenience. My back aches so I toss and turn and my mind has been in overdrive at night which fuels insomnia.

Best Moment of the Week? First baby shower; feeling baby hiccups, I love my midwife appointments. First birth class (loved it).

Movement? Yes- Frequently the kicks and jabs are strong enough that it hurts, which I oddly really enjoy. I felt its butt repeatedly pushing up on my ribs one day over and over and over during staff meeting which was kinda fun. There are days when baby is really really mellow and that has caused a few anxious times, but glad those are not the norm.

Food Cravings? Nothing I can think of.

Gender? Will know in 8 weeks give or take- people are loving making predictions.

What I miss? More than anything this pregnancy I mostly miss wearing my wedding rings.

Symptoms: The last two weeks i have turned a corner and definitely feeling good (really good) again. I have NO idea why I felt so miserable from week approx. 25 to 30 but now that I feel good again it is apparent that I felt really really crappy. Not taking any of these good days for granted.

Looking forward to: Nursery being done. Feeling a bit like it will never happen....

Weekly Wisdom: The to-do list will never ever be fully done. Deal with it.

Milestones: Glucose test (passed); Random strangers in grocery store (etc.) asking when I am due. Started birth classes.

Emotions: A few hormonally induced emotional fits. First one I could tell DH didn't quite know what to do with me. We had a good chat afterwards, I promised him it is pregnancy related hormones and he was much more understanding with the second crying fit. Oh vey.

How in the world is it that I am only 5-10 weeks away from having this baby. A real life baby.

I will never fully wrap my mind around it.

2011-08-30T22:31:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the blogger silence, blog friends. Prego wise I am doing fine- I am actually feeling good again (which is so odd after feeling like crap for literally 5 weeks).

But the rest of life there is just a lot going on right now and I am trying to keep head above water.

My boss was fired with no notice to my boss or to our office. I have a range of emotions on this- positive and negative I am trying to sort out.

There is family drama galore right now with a couple of my relatives- there is geographical distance which helps keep some boundaries, but my heart is heavy with it all.

I will update soon- thanks for worrying about me.

29 weeks

2011-08-16T03:42:00.000-07:00

How Far Along? 29 weeks

Maternity Clothes? Yep. Belly feels like it has had a growth spurt lately.

Weight Gain? not sure this week

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? so so. mostly my mind in overdrive is what keeps me from sleeping well.

Best Moment of the Week? Hmm., not sure. I guess I would say how much I love when DH can feel the kid moving. I swear sometimes the kid responds to his voice.

Movement? Yes- a couple of times the movement is strong enough that it hurts.

Food Cravings? Food is not my friend at all right now.

Gender? will know in 11 weeks (give or take a few)

What I miss? Feeling even semi-good; It's been a rough spell.

Symptoms: Just feel yuck. Food is not my friend. Sinuses/allergies also bad. Heartburn.

Looking forward to: Holding baby on my chest when it is born

Weekly Wisdom: This too will pass.

Milestones: Glucose test (passed), the sugary stuff really wasn't that bad at all to drink.

Emotions: A bit discouraged with how yucky I have felt, but starting to feel a bit better so holding on to the hope this was just a short phase of yuckiness.

Support for fellow blogger at Full Circle

2011-08-15T07:19:00.000-07:00

Please stop over and show your love and support for Full Circle. I have followed her story for several years as her and her husband chose to become foster parents and have been a temporary stable home for many kiddos going through traumatic times. Just last week they learned the two children currently in their care were staying for good! They were given the go ahead to adopt. This weekend, Full Circle's husband was killed.

My hurt breaks for the family. No one should ever have to know loss like this. May they know some peace and comfort from the strangers that surround them in love and prayers from the blog community.

An update

2011-08-11T09:11:00.000-07:00

In work news, I have shortened a few of my days lately, and am feeling a tiny bit better. The extra rest and reduced pressure to perform has helped. At least a bit.

I was nervous to talk to my boss, but the conversation went very well. She pretty much said that she knows I get the job done and then some. She pretty much came right out and said that taking care of me (and baby) is number one priority and I can be as flexible as I need to be with my work schedule (and she doesn't care whether I report it as sick leave). She recognized how much I have put into my work, and said that she wouldn't bat an eyelash if I lightened up a bit right now. So I plan to work from home a bit more and shorten by days as needed. And it won't have much of an impact on the amount of paid time off I have after baby. Really the conversation couldn't have gone any more perfectly. I was shocked by her grace and support.

My midwife's theory of part of why I feel like crud is that the digestive system slows down and so everything is just sitting heavy in my digestive track. That seemed to make sense with part of what I am feeling (while not the entire answer to why I feel so yucky). But I am experimenting with eating insanely tiny portions= bite size really (even smaller than the usual small snacks throughout the day anyways). I also started taking Beta.ine HCL which she suggested as a digestive enzyme. We'll see if this all helps....

I passed my glucose test. I am a bit shocked actually. I had really resigned myself to not passing (I don't know why, I just did). It was on the high end of normal, but still normal. I also learned that my iron levels have maintained- I was was low to start with and they say they usually expect a drop even lower. But I have maintained which they said is incredible.

So, a pat on my back for my body. I was growing quite discouraged, feeling like it was failing me. The sickness and exhaustion are taking a toll on me, but having this news allowed me to have a bit of grace for my body that despite it all, it still is doing something right.

28 Weeks

2011-08-10T03:24:00.000-07:00

How Far Along? 28 weeks

Maternity Clothes? Yep.

Weight Gain? ~~Taking a mental break from the scale right now~~; Updated to add: Scale says 27

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Not so great all of a sudden

Best Moment of the Week? The kid is just moving so much and so much stronger. Love it! Also got a lot done on our to-do list, including setting up the bassinet.

Movement? Yep, yep, yep. Actually can no physcially see my belly move on the outside.

Food Cravings? Food is not my friend at all right now

Gender? will know in 12 weeks (give or take a few)

What I miss? Sigh...not sure how to answer this one this week

Symptoms: See yesterdays post

Looking forward to: Feeling better (hopefully...)

Weekly Wisdom: Rest. Breathe.

Milestones: Read that 28 weeks means 90% viability if babe were to be born now. Amazing.

Emotions: Love my husband like crazy. Drained.

Pandora's box of yuck

2011-08-08T20:49:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure where to even start. I'm afraid to even let the flood gates open, as I am not sure of all that will come out.

My midwife (whom I love, just love) started off my 28 week check up today with the most compassionate look and truly inquired how I was doing. I shrugged and gave a pat answer. She said, "cuz, hon, you're lookin a little green, really green actually."

And green is how I feel. As she prodded to inquire more, I realized just how terribly yucky I have been feeling and for many weeks now. On the one hand, it felt so freeing to finally just admit- and even moreso to have someone see it in my face without me saving anything. But on the other hand it is just so hard to admit. I don't know why that is so hard to admit. Well, I do know why...

I am not feeling good and I am blaming myself. (ugg- tears starting to well up). I have no doubt that preggo hormones are mixed in to these emotions. I know at an intellectual level (or at least I try to tell myself) that sometimes, somepeople just feel yuck-o in pregnancy. But I can't help but feel that somehow I am failing. That it is my fault that I feel so yuck. For goodness sakes, I am only 28 weeks!

Like if only I had been healthier before being pregnant, that I should have been eating better, that I should be excersizing far more that I should, should, should.

I know there is nothing about "should" thinking that is remotely helpful. but that's where I am at.

I have felt pretty cruddy for 4 weeks. It came out of no where- for weeks and weeks I felt on top of the world. And it seems like overnight, I crashed. And I don't know why. I can't put a finger on why I feel cruddy. I have tried and keeping trying a bit of this and a bit of that. Iron, probiotics, allergy meds, sinus rinses, papaya enzymes.

And the kicker on top of all of that yuck feeling is I am SO tired. And once again, I have had a hard time letting myself admit it because I feel like it is too early in the pregnancy to be feeling this tired and this yuck. I truly almost melted in a puddle on my drive home from work on Friday. It is just too frickin' much. And then I stayed in bed all morning the next day. Skippin' even my yoga class cuz it was all just too much.

My midwife suggested cutting back to 4 hour days at work and reclaiming some daytime hours for myself to take care of myself as I wake up feeling pretty good- it is just as the day goes on that I am spent by early evening. I've been starting to ponder how I could cut back at work anyways, but having someone else give breath to it gave it more weight. But also scares the daylights out of me.

But I feel like having to admit to my employer that I can't do it all is killing me. I ALWAYS get the job done and get it done well. I am just feel like I am destined to finish out this last 12 weeks of work before maternity leave doing a half-ass shitty job. I feel like it is so lame to say "I'm just too tired and feel too yucky to work a full day."

Sigh...

So, for tonight, I am taking a hot shower, crawling into bed, and finding the nerve to talk to my boss tomorrow. I will swallow my pride and trust that who I am - in my job and in life- is defined by far more than how many hours I work during my third trimester.

I'm due for my weekly blog update for 28 weeks, but given my mood tonight- I think I'll wait until tomorrow to post it.

Strange moments in pregnancy- take 2

2011-08-05T18:25:00.000-07:00

- I have been fascinated lately with the fact that pregnant bellies are SO ROUND. It struck me at my recent prenatal yoga class, watching all the other bellies- that were all so round. How does that happen? I mean the kid itself, and other organs in there are lumpy blobs. If the belly took on their shape, there would be lopsided lumps and bumps. But I suppose it is the round shape as a result of the fluid filled uterus, but it is quite amazing if you think about it. Fascinating that they become so round.

- I find myself thinking often about the kid's world in there- in utero. And frankly, I am kind of worried that it might be bored. When I think of it in my arms, I think of the touch, and sounds, and smells, and interactions with lots and lots of people and things. But in utero? Doesn't it get boring?

- I have been reading a lot of I.na May Gas.kin lately and starting to really really get excited about the actual act of giving birth (previously I was starting to get pretty anxious). But my anxiety has shifted to thinking about the kid's experience! I've been seeing pics and video that show the tight fit through the birth canal, and I worry about the kid feeling claustrophobic having its face and head all squished up like that. Yikes. Especially if it is a slow birth. If I think about it too much, it makes me get a little ancy. I guess again I have to trust that mother nature knows what it was doing in the design of this how process. (oh my! poor kid)

I am "that" woman

2011-08-03T18:46:00.000-07:00

For 3+ very long years my reality was filled with the sharp pangs that cut deep through when I saw a round belly on a glowing women walking past me, or when a FB friend made yet another pregnancy announcement, or as I watched as my younger sister had not one, but two kids- and we still had none.

There is healing, undoubtedly, that has come to all of that darkness because of this pregnancy. But the emotions, the scars, are still close enough to the surface that I know I will never forget the journey it took to get here.

But I am also very aware of that fact that I have become "that" woman. I am, to the many women (and couples) still walking the long uncertain journey of TTC, I am "that" woman. That woman with the pregnant belly walking down the street, announcing a pregnancy on FB, and joining the "club" of motherhood.

I carry this awareness with me all the time- I am careful as to when and where I rub my belly in public places, I frequently scan the room when in groups of people- assessing how many in the room are of the age/place in life that they might be dealing with IF, and I have made a point to not go public with my pregnancy on FB.

But I am still "that" woman.

Last week I had a meeting- with a group of fellow board members that I meet with quarterly. At the last meeting I wasn't showing enough that it was obvious and I didn't make a public announcement. Overtime I shared the news one on one with many of the board members. One in particular, we'll call her Anne, is becoming a good friend of mine. We have actually bonded over the last couple of years over talk of TTC as she has been pretty open with me and others of a miscarriage she had last year. And she has just started to dip her toes in the waters of Fertility Specialists and testing. She knew early on that I was pregnant, and I have made a point to be as sensitive as possible with her and around the topic. But I forgot, until this recent meeting, that many of the board members still didn't know my news. And when I walked into the meeting room, as coffee and doughnuts were being had, there was a collective gasp and a very exuberant mob of people that surrounded me literally at the entrance to the board meeting. They reveled in my belly, and my supposed "glow", and asked all of the typical questions. "Do you know the gender? when are you due? how are you feeling? OMG, I had no idea!! Congrats Congrats, I am so excited for you" Etc. Etc.

And I will be honest that there was part of me that absolutely loved every second of it. It is in my opinion one of the rites of passage of pregnancy, and one in which I had so looked for to for so long. It is absolutely beyond comprehension to me of how much joy other people feel for this child in the making, that they have not even met yet, and how much I feel loved by the community in my life as they celebrate this with me.

But the part of me that will forever be an infertile was also very much aware of Anne's presence. She was just off to the side in the meeting room. Watching this scene unfold from a distance. And while I don't know for sure what she was thinking or feeling, having been in her shoes, I can only guess. And as much as I was loving every minute of it- a huge part of me wanted slink away and protect her from the hurt. Being "that" women that even unintentionally is a source of pain for those still in the trenches tugs mightily at my heart.

DH made a point of saying early in this pregnancy that as much as he understood my wanting to be sensitive to not boasting or parading this pregnancy in front of others, he also didn't want that to take away from the joy and celebration that this new life deserves. This long awaited, long prayed for, long fought for life. And I agree with him on that side of the argument as well.

Finding that balance and embracing both is tough.

I took this picture a few weeks back. I think that it is so telling of this dual reality we live when pregnancy occurs after infertility. When we started going through IVF I decided I needed to create a space to keep all (ALL!) of the swabs, needles, meds, and other paraphernalia. I emptied out a space on my bookshelf. and there we set up shop every night as DH gave me my shots. Over time, as we watched IVF turn into pregnancy, turn into the third trimester, that same shelf has accumulated new stuff- books on pregnancy, giving birth, breastfeeding, binder from my midwife, etc. And I am struck by the irony of this shared space on the shelf. BOTH are my reality. and BOTH are part of my identity.

I have since cleared out the IVF stuff from that shelf as the shelf has become purely dedicated to this new chapter in life. But this picture will always be for me, i think, a more truthful depiction of the shared reality of pregnancy after IF.

27 weeks- Third Trimester- OMG!

2011-08-02T08:54:00.000-07:00

How Far Along? 27 weeks

Maternity Clothes? Yep.

Weight Gain? Not sure this week

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Fine. Few mild cases of restless legs (and arms)

Best Moment of the Week? Bought our first baby item, a little sleeper at a consignment store. Also got our new bike rack for our car so that we can carry bikes and baby in car seat at the same time.

Movement? yes, daily. But definitely ebbs and flows. some days are quieter then others.

Food Cravings? Hard boiled eggs (never really cared for them much before)

Gender? will know in 13 weeks (give or take a few)

What I miss? wearing my wedding rings

Symptoms: I felt quite yucky several days this week and the week before. I think it is getting better. Not sure what the deal is- maybe low iron? maybe sinus stuff? Wish it would go away whatever the yucky feeling is.

Looking forward to: Our first shower later this month.

Weekly Wisdom: The to-do list will eventually get done, and if it doesn't, oh well.

Milestones: Third trimester (hard to fathom)

Emotions: Just an even keel enjoyment.

26 weeks

2011-07-26T06:11:00.000-07:00

How Far Along? 26 weeks

Maternity Clothes? Yep. Complete strangers are most definitely asking now when I am due.

Weight Gain? 24

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Fine. My sinus congestion is the only thing making sleep a bit disrupted at times. Had a few nights of Restless legs, but taking iron seems to help.

Best Moment of the Week? One night the kid was particularly active. DH had his hand on my stomach and felt movement 4 different times in 4 different locations very distinctively. Pretty amazing to feel it in me on the inside and he can pinpoint the exact spot on the outside.

Movement? yes, daily. But definitely ebbs and flows. some days are quieter then others.

Food Cravings? Iced tea.

Gender? will know in 14 weeks (give or take a few)

What I miss? wearing my wedding rings

Symptoms: Overall I feel pretty good. But the last week and a half I have felt just a bit yucky frequently. Hard to put a finger on what it is. Maybe heartburn, maybe sour stomach, maybe sinus yuck, maybe all or none of the above. Will talk with my midwife about it.

What I'm looking forward to? Maternity leave

Weekly Wisdom: Enjoy every minute.

Milestones: This is the last update during the 2nd trimester. Next week's update I will be in the 3rd (OMG!)

Emotions: Disbelief. Joy.

Belly pics added

2011-07-20T19:54:00.000-07:00

I've been inconsistent with taking pics, but better late then never.

In addition to the 5 week, 7week, 9week, and 16week shots I had up, I added two pics from today (25week1day). Oops- skipped a few weeks in there.

You can click on my Belly pics page.

Fear

2011-07-20T19:30:00.000-07:00

I've been reflecting on fear lately. In part from reading My so called TTC life post about fear which I could so relate and in part from my recent realization that I no longer fear toilet paper.

There is no doubt that is creeps in now and then. That old familiar voice, that feeling of panic. It appears, and disappears from time to time. Moments when I realize I haven't been paying attention to kicks from the kid and can't remember when I felt him/her last. A brief dream I had in which i was spotting in my dream. I don't entirely escape it.

But it on longer is my constant companion as I am now realizing used to be the case. Looking back, the fear during, well during ALL of this journey, was so strong and so ever present. If manifested it self differently during different phases- TTC naturally, starting IVF, waiting for the egg retrieval and transfer, waiting for results, and more results and more u/s. Getting used to the new twinges, and feelings, in my body when i was newly pregnant and fearing it all spelled catastrophe on the horizon.

My heart leaps up in to my throat occasionally when I fear the worst now, but it is usually momentary. overall, I am just so much more content and present in the now. And the more time I spend in that space, the more I realize how much fear I've lived for the recent chapters of my life. And how often I feared I would never escape the fear. And how grateful I am that it is retreating.

25 weeks

2011-07-19T08:25:00.000-07:00

How Far Along? 25 weeks

Maternity Clothes? Yep. I feel like the belly got big overnight this week.

Weight Gain? 23

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Really good.

Best Moment of the Week? Nothing in particular, I am just loving all of this.

Movement? yes, often. Feels like this secret conversation I get to have with the kid

Food Cravings? Still finding I am picky about what sounds good. Garlic is evil. I am loving iced tea (which I have NEVER liked before)

Gender? will know in 16 weeks (give or take a few)

What I miss? Being able to take Pseudo.phedrine for my sinuses.

Symptoms: Sinuses and allergies were really rough earlier this week, as was heartburn. Also was shocked to notice the dark veins have appeared in my ta.tas like I have heard others talk about. WOWZERS! They weren't kidding when they said "dark veins." Also think I have been having round ligament pains all week for the first time.

What I'm looking forward to? Continuing to work on our to-do list at home.

Weekly Wisdom: None

Milestones: I look unmistakeably pregnant now- people are congratulating me, rather than being shy.

Emotions: So unbelievably content.

Milestone: Toilet paper

2011-07-13T23:58:00.000-07:00

I have stopped checking the TP for spotting when I wipe. I am not sure when I stopped, sometime in the past week or so.

I don't think I was entirely aware of how ingrained of a habit it had become, until I stopped doing it.

A well formed habit after far too many miscarriages, waiting for AF, waiting and more waiting.

I have looked at so much tp in my three years TTC.

It is freeing actually- to no longer be afraid of the toilet paper. A small sign of some bigger inner healing happening on this crazy journey.

24 weeks

2011-07-12T04:48:00.000-07:00

How Far Along? 24 weeks

Maternity Clothes? Yep.

Weight Gain? Too afraid to check; Lately I have been starting to feel big. (Updated: I bit the bullet and got on the scale. Gain is 22.5; I know it is a normal part of pregnancy. Scale is not my friend though.)

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Really good. i'm a bit amazed actually.

Best Moment of the Week? We ordered some baby announcements to send out to a few people who don't know yet and they arrived in the mail this week. Made DH and I smile.

Movement? yes, daily. feels like an alien in me, rolling over and over and over.

Food Cravings? i like fruit. bubbly drinks. peanut butter.

Gender? will know in 16 weeks (give or take a few)

What I miss? My wedding rings, I strongly dislike tight rings, so haven't been wearing them

Symptoms: Sinuses and allergies are rough, but not keeping me down. Otherwise, I feel good.

What I'm looking forward to? A bunch of hand me downs a friend will be bringing over. And looking forward to making progress on my to-do list.

Weekly Wisdom: Enjoy today.

Milestones: viability- crazy to think that a) I've reached this point and b) that babies born this young can survive

Emotions: Total scatterbrain. I can't get anything done at work. I feel like I am in a fog, running in circles. So unlike me.

Milestone: The last u/s

2011-07-06T21:20:00.000-07:00

Today was our last u/s. We have gotten to take a peek at the kid at (if I recall correctly from memory) 6wk, 8wk, 10wk, 19wk, and 23wk. If all goes as planned, the next time we see the kid he/she will be in our arms.

At my 19wk (19wk3days) they weren't able to get a perfect pic of the heart, and the doctor suggested a follow up, given this is an IVF baby. I guess there is some data some where that makes IVF babes higher risk.

It was offered as optional. I am not entirely convinced our baby is higher risk (and I don't think the doc was either). But We took them up on the offer, cuz, heck it was another glimpse of baby. But to be honest? there was a part of me that was truly ready to be done with ultrasounds. (Believe me, I too am shocked to be saying that). This u/s was different than any of the other ones- in that I wasn't nervous, I was just content and as always a bit curious. It was far more routine and not at all a roller coaster of emotions.

U/s were my security blanket at first- I held my breath from u/s to u/s. I feared history repeating itself in that dark room, lying on a table, only to be given bad news. But as the belly grows and now that I can feel the kid moving daily, plus we hear the heartbeat at the midwives regularly, I'm glad, and very ready, to be done (hopefully) with ultrasounds. I feel like I am ready to have that chapter behind me. I am ready to just trust in the journey.

Highlights from the day-
More than ever the kid looks like an actual baby, and no longer an alien (I mean that with all motherly affection)
Ouch, Ouch, ouch. Ultrasounds can hurt- the tech was pushing and prodding so hard at times and for so long- it was over an hour long u/s (and the majority of it was not much on the screen I could discern what it was) Although we did get a couple of good pics (I'll post later)
Everything looks perfect according to the dr and our quad screening came back a few weeks ago also showing no concern for any of the genetic diseases they test for
I don't know what amazes me more- the fact that the kid went from a few cells to 1.5 pounds in only 23 weeks or the fact that in the next 17 weeks it will go from 1.5 to 8-9 pounds. Both are hard to fathom.

all in all, it is safe to say I am living in a constant state of absolute awe.

23 Weeks

2011-07-05T05:09:00.000-07:00

How Far Along? 23 weeks

Maternity Clothes? Yep.

Weight Gain? Not sure this week

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Good. No complaints.

Best Moment of the Week? Starting to prepare the kid's room, installing the bookshelf in the closet

Movement? yes, daily. And much more frequently than last week. I actually wasn't expecting that I would feel movement constantly throughout the day at this point. I love it. DH felt a poke/jab from the outside for the first time on Saturday.

Food Cravings? Still a bit picky, but all in all pretty normal; Apples and watermelons are my friends

Gender? Waiting to be surprised.

What I miss? Can't think of anything

Symptoms: Pretty uneventful. Some heartburn, but can't detect a pattern or a rhyme or reason as to when I get it and when I don't; and pollen allergies are out control. Otherwise, no aches or pains or any complaints

What I'm looking forward to? Ordered some samples from the online Blinds store- finally getting around to ordering blinds for our room and the kid's room. Also excited to make progress on other things on my growing "to-do" list.

Weekly Wisdom: Can't think of anything...

Milestones: Friends lent us their Arms Reach crib. We picked it up from them this week. As soon as we finish a few more things on our to-do list we'll be able to set it up.

Emotions: Tears of joy and sappiness flow without warning at times, blame it on hormones

I painted the baby's room...

2011-07-02T22:18:00.000-07:00

...three years ago.

Three years ago, I painted the room that I prayed would someday soon be for our child. I painted it just a few months after our first miscarriage. The room was (and still is) DH's office and our guest room. For months and months after that first miscarriage I begged, pushed, and pleaded with DH to let me paint that room. Work was crazy busy for him and he didn't understand why I would want to tear up his office (and make a mess of the house) in order to paint the room, in light of the fact that we were no longer pregnant so there was no longer any urgency to the task.

I finally reached the peak of my intersection of grief and desperation and ended up melting in a sobbing puddle on the floor one day. I was able to finally find the words, and he was able to hear me, that if I couldn't have our beloved baby in my arms, DAMN IT, I at least I should get the pleasure of still painting the room. I at least deserved that.

He heard me and held me in his arms. That weekend in September 2008 I painted the room. And it was just what I needed at the time.

But that painted room has also continually been a lingering place of grief- a symbol of dreams unfulfilled. Of tears shed. Of hopes, crushed.

Two years later, during a particularly hopeful time, I bought a bookshelf for that room. Looking back, I don't know why I was feeling hopeful then. We were almost three years into TTC with no end in sight. No savings in our bank in order to move on to IVF or adoption. No answers. And no viable option laid ahead of us. And yet hope was returning to my heart. When I blogged about it at the time- I wrote about how ridiculous hope seems at times.

Today DH and I started pealing back the layers of clutter that have amassed in DH's office/guest room, the room that will be our baby's very soon. The bookshelf that I bought, 9 months ago, has been stored in our garage all this time as I needed a) DH to clean the office b) move the guest bed out in order to c) rip out the current shelving in the closet so we could install this new bookshelf in there.

Once again, I don't think DH understood at first why I have been so insistent on getting this project started. Until...until the tears started falling. As he is ripping out the last of the shelving in the closet, he turned around to unexpectantly find tears quietly running down my cheeks as I stood there watching him (they are flowing again just typing this). All I could whisper in between the tears was, "We have wanted this for so long..."

I am often left speechless when I think back on this past 3 1/2 years. The path through miscarriages and TTC was the darkest time I have known in my life. And yet seemingly insignificant gestures like painting that "damn" room and buying that bookshelf seemed to keep me going. They were gestures that carried with them an outward expression of the little bit of hope I could hang on to. And that hope, even when it seemed so faint, is the only thing that kept me going.

Strange moments in pregnancy

2011-06-30T04:50:00.001-07:00

I can see, (and touch!), the bottom of my belly button it has gotten so shallow.

Weird.

22 weeks

2011-06-28T06:36:00.000-07:00

How Far Along? 22

Maternity Clothes? Yep.

Weight Gain? 18.5;

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Good. No complaints.

Best Moment of the Week? Midwife appointment- Loved the midwife, love hearing hb; Also got a pair of matching pj bottoms in the mail (one for me and one for baby) that my lil sister sewed for us

Movement? yes, daily.

Food Cravings? Still more picky of an eater than non-pregnant taste buds, but nothing t0o major

Gender? Waiting to be surprised.

What I miss? My family; My sister just had a baby and she lives near my parents and all the cousins. Makes me sad that our baby won't have that growing up as we have no relatives where we live.

Symptoms: None really. No aches or pains (other than my sore uterus which worries me but doesn't bother me). A little bit of heartburn, but not a big deal.

What I'm looking forward to? I see the midwife again in 4 weeks and then the frequency increases to appointments every two weeks

Weekly Wisdom: My sister (who now has a newborn and a two year old) reminded me that these next several months (4 to be exact) are my last months entirely to myself. My world will permanently change. (She would know- speaking from the thick of it). She reminded me to fully enjoy this time. It was a good reminder to be present in the now rather than solely thinking about time when baby is here.

Milestones: Feeling movement

Emotions: A little stressed surrounding my job. But loving summer so far and a slower pace in our household schedule.

Midwife appointment at 22 weeks & Nerves

2011-06-28T06:28:00.000-07:00

The nerves, they never fully go away. The further along I get in this pregnancy, the more my confidence grows. And yet the nervousness still lingers. It is more subtle, a quiet trickle in the background, but it is still there. DH noticed how quiet I was on the way to our midwife appointment today. He was surprised I still get nervous. I don't try to - it just creeps up out of no where.

But this midwife appointment was the best one yet. I loved this midwife (whom I had not met before- the practice has three midwives that I rotate among).

Here is the bullet point version
-They measured my belly for the first time- I have always seen that on tv shows and such (from pubic bone to top of uterus) but this was a first for me. And I am measuring right on track, which was great to hear because just today two co-workers told me that I don't look very big.
- The midwives see me every 4 weeks right now, but after my next appointment 4 weeks from now I'll start going every 2 weeks which I am really looking forward to.
- Heard the heartbeat- which is always bliss. I still get nervous for no reason but I have to say that I've been pretty sure I feel the kid moving some every day now and that helps bring the nerves down.
-Midwife went through my recent u/s report and quad screening results and said everything was beyond perfect. She was great too- making sure to go through it in detail with a bit of fanfare and make a fuss over how good it all was which was nice.
-She also said that the u/s shows my placenta is right in the front - which has no bearing on anything other then it explains why it took SO long for me to start feeling movement. And she said where I feel the pokes and jabs will be a bit more indirect. It was like she she had been in my body feeling what I am feeling cause she explained it to a T what and how I have been feeling the movement.
- I shared my concern with how tight and sore my uterus has been. She gave great insight into what was going on and put my mind at ease. I am probably really low on iron and on calcium magnesium so she advised adding in those supplements but encouraged me to keep being active (which was just what I wanted to hear).
-She also described to a T how I have been feeling with being out of breath so easily and reminded me why that is (more blood in circulation, low iron, etc). And she was very clear that it is NOT because I am out of shape- it is other biophysical reasons. Which was nice to hear because I'll admit that my out-of-breathness has been making me feel like I am a big lug.
- And I also brought up to her a concern I had with the midwife practice. The last two appointments (at 14 wks and 18 weeks) when I showed up for my appointment I ended up seeing a different midwife then I was supposed to. Which would have been fine IF it had been one of the others in the 3 person group. But instead both times I had a substitute they bring in on occasion. I was pretty livid, to be honest. I really want to know my midwives and equally as important I want them to know me. And as nice as the substitutes were, it didn't fly for me. I hate bringing up things like this with doctors/midwives, but it mattered enough to me. As it turns out, this midwife I was talking with was the lead midwife in the group and was the perfect person to talk to. I liked her explanation about the transition they are going through and how they are proposing solving it and she did apologize that that is not their goal to use substitutes. She even said that in the future I can tell the appointment desk that I only want to see the three in the practice. And she very much opened her door to feedback anytime about anything. She reiterated that this is MY/OUR experience and it is important we express what we need, what is working, what is not. I was very impressed and pleased with the conversation.

21 weeks (Belated update)

2011-06-24T02:23:00.000-07:00

How Far Along? 21 weeks (actually 21 weeks 3 days, and I didn't post at 20 weeks so this will capture two weeks+ worth of updates)

Maternity Clothes? Yes. And my shopping spree several weeks ago is serving me well. Choosing clothes in the morning is no longer as fretful.

Weight Gain? 18.5; Still far more than I had planned, but I only gained 1 pound in the last 2 1/2 weeks and that included a two week vacation during that time, so I will take that as a success)

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Good. No complaints.

Best Moment of the Week? Exploring other countries with DH while on a part business/part vacation trip and dreaming about what it will be like in the future with kid in tow.

Movement? Just this past week I felt what I am 99% sure is some pokes and jabs. Every day now, at least once a day I am feeling the same sensation and am 99% sure it is not related to gas or digestion or any other bodily function.

Food Cravings? Seltzer water; Never really liked it pre-pregnancy now I crave it.

Gender? Waiting to be surprised.

What I miss? Can't really think of anything.

Symptoms: None. This last several weeks has been almost unbelievable how uneventful it has been. We were traveling for most of it- which meant jet lag, lots of being on my feet, lots and lots of walking, long days, eating outside normal routine- and I haven't had a single ache or pain, digestive system has been great, and was not feeling overly tired. It is almost hard to believe how good I have felt. I did have two times in which there was the faintest amount of spotting when I wiped. It did send me into a bit of a panic, but haven't had any thing sense. I'm chalking it up to overdoing it, and will talk to midwife about it.

What I'm looking forward to? Maternity leave. After having been away from the office for two weeks traveling, I thought it would give me enough of a break to feel better about my job. But instead it has me looking forward all the more to my 4 month (or permanent?!) maternity leave from this job.

Weekly Wisdom: Use discretion when listening to anyone who thinks they are being helpful by telling you a labor and delivery horror story. Most likely they are not being helpful.

Milestones: Feeling movement;

Emotions: Have had a few times when I was irrationally emotional. Which I can accept as par for the course, except that I didn't realize I was overreacting until AFTER I had acted like a doofus for a while.

I'm back and still pregnant

2011-06-24T02:18:00.000-07:00

DH and I just returned from a two week, 3 country whirlwind trip. The majority of the trip was work related for me, but DH tagged along and we added some vacation time to the end of the trip. It was a wonderful trip. (Sorry for going quiet on my blog, I thought I would post some while I was traveling, but didn't get the time to do so)

This was the third and final business trip that has been on my radar ever since IVF came into the picture. As we started planning for IVF, and subsequently got pregnant from it, I have been counting and re-counting the weeks on the calendar to see where this trip would fall IF we were pregnant. I proceeded to plan all three work trips, despite all the unknowns of whether or not I would get pregnant, whether or not there would be complications, whether or not we'd need to be scheduling a second IVF cycle, etc. So as each trip came and went, there was a certain amount of relief that washed over me as I returned each time- in awe that I was still pregnant.

The first trip was a one night overnight trip and my first time flying while pregnant. I was 14 weeks pregnant.

The second trip was a full week away at a conference when I was 18 weeks.

And this last trip, while I was 19-21 weeks is the third and final work trip on the calendar.

And I am still pregnant. With no blirbs, glitches, or anything noteworthy of concern. It has been uneventful.

It is still hard to comprehend how smoothly it has gone. I don't take it for granted at all. I know far too well how quickly all that can change.

But for today, at 21 weeks and 3 days, I am still pregnant and in awe. Not to mention grateful that my work trips are now all behind me.

19 weeks

2011-06-07T06:30:00.000-07:00

How Far Along? 19 weeks

Maternity Clothes? yep. pretty much all of it.

Weight Gain? 17.5

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Good. Finally sleeping on my side rather than on my back all the time.

Best Moment of the Week? Just finally feeling good again.

Movement? Still hard to say whether I'm feeling anything or imagining it.

Food Cravings? Nothing really.

Gender? Waiting to be surprised.

What I miss? Wearing my wedding rings regularly.

Symptoms: Lots of blowing my nose. Still amazed at how zonked I am by the end of a long day. But, feeling good overall (FINALLY!)

What I'm looking forward to? Maternity leave. And our u/s is tomorrow. I think though that I am more nervous than excited. Just want everything to be okay.

Weekly Wisdom: This is going to go SO fast. Enjoy every moment.

Milestones: The belly is getting attention. A friend asked this week if she could touch it. (Still strange to think someone wants to touch my stomach, but I know I was always fascinated by friend's bellies, so...payback. :))

Emotions: Sappy. Grateful.

I am grateful

2011-06-06T18:58:00.000-07:00

(Forewarning- lots of gushing about the "p" word and my stomach getting rounder)

I have been spilling over with gratitude lately.

I am grateful that I feel good. I feel really really good. Can't say there are any symptoms at all that are bothering me. And just saying that almost brings tears to my eyes because I think I started to fear that after so many months of feeling so awful that I wasn't going to feel good at any time in this pregnancy.

I am grateful that I have 4 months of maternity leave (some unpaid, but we'll be okay). I know (well, I don't know, but I know as best as I can) that an infant is a lot of work and it is hard. But it is a different kind of hard for a change and I will have only one responsibility- the kid. No other work demands on my time. And I am so grateful and so looking forward to that. For four full months.

I am grateful that I love my belly. I'll be honest, if you haven't noticed, that my changing body shape and the growing number on the scale have triggered some long-held insecurities about my body, they linger in the background and I feared they would take away some of the joy of the experience. But, I just love my belly. It is round and definitely pregnant. And I just stare at it (and rub it sometimes, yes, I know I am one of THOSE prego women) and I just get giddy with disbelief.

I feel like I say it too much, but I am grateful for my husband. I am grateful for his boundless love and enthusiasm about this pregnancy. He is literally telling the world. First thing he does when he rolls over to hug me in the morning is tell me he loves me and asks how the kid is doing. Every phone call and text message throughout the day, no matter the topic, same thing, tell me that I am the greatest and asks about the kid. I thought we had the best thing ever before in our marriage and yet it has gotten even better.

I am grateful that I no longer hate my job. During the first trimester I absolutely despised every single minute at work. I am sure it was hormones, and the emotional roller coaster of all of it, and the feeling so sick and tired. And more. But I am tolerating my job again. And the days are going fast. And when things get rough, it is easy to keep in mind how close maternity leave is and I will have a break from all of it very soon.

I don't know how we got here. I don't know why we were the lucky ones to get pregnant on our first IVF. I don't know why all the many years of grief and loss. I don't know how much longer I could have kept fighting the long road of IF. I just don't know.

But for now I am grateful, and I don't want any of the "whys" to take an ounce of energy away from this gratitude.

Pregnancy induced sappy moments

2011-06-04T07:41:00.000-07:00

It has to be the hormones. I've found myself crying at the drop of a hat a couple of times the last few days. All tears of joy though. But I feel like such a sap.

But it also makes me just laugh at myself.

The first time happened in the shower. (Forewarning- this is definitely TMI). (did I forewarn you?!) So, to back up a second, I've read in several pregnancy books and websites that the ta-tas start preparing early in the pregnancy and that women can experience some discharge or leaking as early as 16-17 weeks. This was news to me and a bit shocking- it seemed SO early. Meanwhile, I have also been a bit intrigued with the girls as they have grown and changed. But getting big is the only significant change so far. Fastforward to this week while I have been traveling for work. At the end of a long day, I was taking a shower and low and behold I noticed when I squeezed that a few tiny drops started to appear. I just started sobbing tears of joy. I know, so sappy- but just in awe to see my body actually doing something to prepare for this kid was just unreal. And made it seem all the more real.

In another sappy moment, I was at an all day meeting that took place in this gorgeous water front building. During a break, I went out on to this all glass enclosed balcony and the view was just incredible, air was warm, sun was shining. And I just started tearing up, telling the kid that "this", this beauty and everything in the world like this is what I wanted to share with him/her. This is what I got excited about bringing the him/her into the world.
Definitely a hormone induced sappy moment, but also...it is just starting to feel more and more real.

Which feels so unreal.

18 Weeks (and 1 day)

2011-06-01T19:20:00.000-07:00

How Far Along? 18 weeks 1day (this last week has gone by sooo fast)!

Maternity Clothes? I packed away the last of my non-maternity work pants this week. There was one pair of jeans I was still wearing- bye bye for now. Shirts- I'm still a bit in between, but maternity shirts are becoming more comfortable day by day.

Weight Gain? Not sure.

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Fine. I am finding still though that I like sleeping on my back too much. Trying to break the habit.

Best Moment of the Week? Hearing the heartbeat at my midwife appointment. Handmade baby hat from dear co-worker. Dinner out with some very dear IF blogger friends.

Movement? Though I felt a gentle pop or two that MAY have been something. But haven't felt it since then. Jury is still out though..could be imagining it.

Food Cravings? Nothing really. Just working on eating healthily now that I feel better.

Gender? Next week is the anatomy scan, and we are going to try hard to NOT find out the gender. And I am actually a bit surprised that I am not even the least bit tempted to find out. Kinda strange actually.

What I miss? Wearing my wedding ring. Fingers got bloaty really soon, and rings have been off more days than they've been on. Sad.

Symptoms: Headaches. Otherwise, feeling good this whole week which I think is a first that I've felt good for an entire week at a time. So glad.

What I'm looking forward to? Maternity leave. Ha! I know it is a long ways away. But I think it is going to fly by. The month of June I am traveling for work almost the whole month. July has a huge project and looming deadline. And then only two more months of full time work (Aug & Sept), then October I plan to cut back to part-time. And then I am due. CRAZY!

Weekly Wisdom: Mind is blank this week.

Milestones: First baby gift. And people at work (who know me and know my news) openly talking about my belly and pregnancy. It was fun this week to share in that.

Emotions: Relief to have heard the heartbeat. I feel like the anxiety has vanished again. Hoping it doesn't creep back in.

Was it worth it?

2011-05-30T06:26:00.000-07:00

So many times during our 3+ year journey of TTC, miscarriages, and IF I found myself feeling indifferent to getting pregnant or having a baby. Granted, I knew it was just a facade, a coping mechanism- layered on top of grief too deep to touch. The facade precariously held me together when faced with the inability to make happen the one thing I had always dreamed of- creating and carrying a child inside me and becoming a mom.

As much as I thought that was the one thing I had always wanted, over the years, the doubt started to creep in..-- Maybe, maybe my dream of being pregnant and of having a baby wasn't all it was cracked up to me. Maybe the fact that I COULDN'T achieve this dream had somehow artificially inflated my expectations, expectations that the dream once achieved could never live up to. Maybe it wasn't worth the struggle, the long arduous road of hope. Maybe it wasn't worth it, I feared.

Then when all other options were exhausted we dove into IVF. The very act of doing this forced me to believe that our dream of having a family was worth it. IVF is not for the faint of heart, nor pocketbook for that matter. While the odds, we were told were in our favor, there is no guarantee. And again, the doubt crept in. Is what we are trying to achieve, really worth all of this?

I have no doubt that fully answering that question will take much more time- but the one thing that has humbled me time and time again during these 18, relatively short weeks of pregnancy, is that it is most definitely worth it.

I would do it all again in a heartbeat. To have this. Seeing my belly become round. Watching DH talk to it and giggle with joy when he catches a glimpse of me from the side view. Starting to imagine that a wrinkly, pink, tiny baby will be in my arms, for real.

This is most definitely everything I had dreamed of and so much more.

It has not disappointed.

Maternity clothes shopping: jackpots and pitfalls

2011-05-29T17:03:00.000-07:00

Maternity clothes. Who would have thought that they would merit an entire post all to themselves. But given the amount of energy (and money) I have spent on them so far in the few weeks I have been wearing them- I figured it was worth a post.

Here's the deal- I have a love-hate relationship with them.

I love them for their elastic waistbands, and because anything even remotely restrictive around my mid-section is uncomfortable.

But that is about it.

There has been so much (so far) that I have disliked about them (mainly talking pants here).

Some of this utter disdain has been that I am not much of a clothes shopper to begin with. AND being tall and not slender I have a hard time finding clothes that fit. So I've liked routine- I have a couple of stores -some online, some brick & mortar, that I know what sizes I wear, I like their styles, they carry long lengths, and I stick with that. I also don't like spending much money on clothes. And I have little confidence in my fashion sense. Put all that together, and shopping for clothes pre-pregnancy was not my cup of tea.

Insert growing, changing mid-section that is trying to become a belly. Add in that I wanted to hide growing bulge earlier in the pregnancy from co-workers (which turned out to be unnecessary as they were clueless as it turned out). And the shocking fact that the body expands in unsuspecting places where I can guarantee there is no baby growing. And finding the right fit has been hard. frustrating. and many a hair has been pulled out. and a few tears shed. (blame the hormones.)

But this weekend, I feel like I hit the jackpot of maternity clothes-

First the Pitfalls I've found so far:
Cheap clothes- As brand names have never mattered to me, early on, my penny pincher side of me, ordered several pairs of pants from a cheap online department store (that carried pants in long lengths). And I haven't been happy in them- I feel frumpy all the time. They feel awkward on me. And they have not washed well AT all the few times I have washed them. I finally out of desperation ordered more expensive pants AND I stumbled across some more expensive brands at a consignment store (more on this later). And the fit and quality is SO much better. I actually feel like my regular quasi-put together self, rather than the frumpy mess I have felt like so far this pregnancy. So, I've decided that in the case of making this pregnancy lady happy, a few expensive pants are a small price to pay. (Note, by expensive I mean $60-70 a pair. That is what I consider "expensive")

Buying clothes in advance- I was forewarned of this, that buying clothes in advance, prior to when you need them can be problematic as they may not fit the same when you get around to wearing them. And this has been true for me. It is so hard to judge how much "breathing room" to leave when buying clothes and how this will fit several weeks from now. It just feels like the body is reconfiguring itself. (Sigh...) So as much as possible, I am buying as I need it.

Cost- I hadn't anticipated what I would be spending on maternity wardrobe. Even though I think I have been a very good budget shopper and kept to the essentials, it has been a bit surprising the amount spent. (not to mention the amount of TIME spend shopping- online, in the stores, trying on, returning clothes, etc.) Bras, underwear, layering tank tops, dress clothes, casual clothes. It doesn't help the checkbook that I have to dress professionally or quasi-professionally at work 5 days a week and that this pregnancy straddles three seasons. Ouch.

But I've also hit the Jackpot in a few ways:

Ordering a lot at a time online- Given I have only been able to find the length of inseam that I need online, I've resorted to ordering a lot of clothes in many different sizes and styles all at once. Shipping is free, and then I return what I don't like/want to the store or by mail and only usually keep 1-2 items. The small cost of shipping or time spent has been worth it to me- especially given that I can't just walk into a store and buy pants that are long enough.

Consignment stores- As much as I love a good deal, I've never been a huge fan of thrift or consignment stores, only because again, I'm hard to fit. Hard enough in a real store with lots of options in lots of sizes, let alone in a consignment store when you get what you get. But out of desperation I checked out a store this weekend that I heard had maternity. And I lucked out. It is as if a women my size, my height, my build, walked in with her entire wardrobe to be consigned (and I think that actually happened). There was no other long inseams, except in my size. I found pants after pants after pants in exactly my size (and some with breathing room, just in case). Everything was under $10 each. So I came home with capris, jeans, and dress pants in a variety of colors (mostly brand names). And a few cheap pretty much brand new tops. Score!

Transition shirts- While I have worn one or two maternity tops a couple of times, it isn't really because I NEED them yet. More so, I wear them when I want to look prego. Something about the empire waists screams "this women is pregnant." And occasionally I have felt like showing it off. But mostly, I still like a little bit of discreetness. So I have been wearing a handful of tops I have purchased in the last month that I call my "transition tops." They give my more room and typically have more length to them then my regular shirts did, but aren't specially maternity. We'll see how fast I grow, but I bet I will get quite a bit more time out of these shirts.

Again, who knows what will grow and how fast in the coming months, but I think I have enough of the essentials in my wardrobe(except for maybe one more bra) to be done shopping for quite some time. We'll see.

The growing belly (pics)

2011-05-26T06:10:00.000-07:00

I've been taking pictures now and then during this pregnancy and just finally got around to uploading them. Major kudos to women who are able to take a photo on the same day every week throughout their pregnancy. I have always loved seeing the progression, but never realized how dedicated and organized you had to be to pull that off. I feel like I've been lucky just to even get the few I've taken.

I put them in a separate page, here and will add to it as I take more. Link is also at the top of the page.

Heartbeats and Hats

2011-05-25T19:25:00.000-07:00

(I know my blog is all pregnancy, all the time these days, but just to forewarn those who might not be up to reading today, today's post is feels even more heavy with pregnancy and baby talk. I don't want to add to any hurting hearts)

We heard the heartbeat again today. 17weeks 1 day. The midwife today was all business, so didn't get to hear it for long, but it was extremely easy to find and humming away at 140-150 beats a minute. The releif to my worried mind was instant and immense.

I know I shouldn't worry, but it is so hard not too. It is an interesting time in the pregnancy, in that I am not as preoccupied with morning sickness and first trimester exhaustion and yet I am not feeling the kid move. So it is just this entirely still, silent, growing stomach. That calls me to have faith, to trust in that which is can't been seen or felt.

It is entirely a walk of faith.

Like so much of this journey is.

I also received our first gift for the kid today while I was at work. It was such a surprise and so unexpected, it was from a dear colleague whom I love, but am really just getting to know. As I opened it, I barely held back the tears and quivering lip as I thanked her profusely. She made it. Planned for it, sharing in our excitement. Picked out the yarn and the colors and created this-

A baby hat. For a real baby. Our baby. Growing in that silent bulging belly that calls me to have faith.

I am still in utter awe of how it is that any of this is actually happening.

Awe.

17 weeks

2011-05-24T06:31:00.000-07:00

(Sorry my blog has become almost solely a once a week pregnancy update. I feel a bit stuck when it comes to putting my thoughts into actual blog posts, but have loved having a weekly check in as a journal of this journey.)

How Far Along? 17 weeks

Maternity Clothes? Pants, yes. Shirts -still in between maternity and non-maternity. Among people that know I am pregnant, I am now getting frequent comments about my growing belly, as it is looking more and more prego.

Weight Gain?   Not sure

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Fine.

Best Moment of the Week? Pretty normal week, but I have to say that watching DH gush over this kid and my belly every day, all day, is melting me into a puddle of mush. I am in awe at his joy and love.

Movement? Nope. :(

Food Cravings? Vegetarian corn dogs. Go figure.

Gender? 5 months until we know

What I miss?   I am not feeling good once again, not sure why. Not feeling good is taking a bit of a mental toll on me.

Symptoms: Feel like my stomach and esophagus are shoved up into my throat. Stuffy, runny nose.

What I'm looking forward to?   Movement. Hearing the hb again tomorrow.

Weekly Wisdom: Brace yourself for the unsolicited advice as the belly becomes more apparent. The comments and advice have already started to flow....

Milestones: An (almost) pregnant looking belly; And a ticker gadget added to the top of my page.

Emotions: I have still felt unable to start reading prego/newborn books. I feel stuck in that way. In the first trimester I know that fear kept me from reading too much, just in case we miscarried again. But now I feel like I need to be better prepared of what is to come (especially labor and delivery, breastfeeding, and caring for a newborn). But I have a complete mental block towards actually delving into any of this information.

Heavy Heart

2011-05-23T21:49:00.000-07:00

My heart is heavy tonight, feeling the fear, grief, helplessness, and exhaustion of dear blogger women who could use some extra virtual hugs right now- Please stop by and lend them some support.

For Serenity as they have decided to close the chapter on TTC and are seeking to embrace life as a family of three.

For Mrs. Lemon, who shares the same due date as me, who just posted about a scary hemorrhage, ambulance ride to the ER, and indefinite bed rest. Sending positive thoughts to her and her lil boy.

And for Jennifer, who said goodbye to their perfect little boy Gavin who was born too soon. No parent should ever have to experience leaving the hospital without their child in their arms.

My heart hurts. It is all too much. Wishing I could take even an ounce of their grief or fear away. Wishing this road wasn't so damn hard.

16 weeks- a.k.a 4 Months (How did that happen?!)

2011-05-17T05:58:00.000-07:00

How Far Along? 16 weeks

Maternity Clothes? Pants, yes. Shirts not quite yet, but I bought several long flowy shirts that are buying me some time. But the bump is definitely there. I feel like it "popped" over the weekend. I shock myself when I see me in the mirror. And I am the proud new owner of a bra in a size I didn't even know they made. Yikes- how did they grow that much that fast.

Weight Gain? Still at a gain of 13 pounds (gulp)- but haven't gained for the past three weeks thankfully.

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Better now that my sinuses have cleared up.

Best Moment of the Week? Nothing monumental. Although, I have had a couple of hour long walks and started a pre-natal yoga class and it feels so good to be feeling stronger again.

Movement? Nope. Really looking forward to this though.

Food Cravings? Beer and Sake. No, I am not kidding. I, of course, am not drinking any, but I've never craved it so much in my life.

Gender? Friends either love the idea or hate the idea when we tell them we aren't planning to find out the gender before the birth.

What I miss? Nothing I can think of. Maybe my bicycle a little, being I haven't been riding at all.

Symptoms: All in all, nothing too menacing. But for documentation purposes, here is a recap: I had always heard that pregnancy makes for amazing hair and nails. Hair is great. My finger nails though? I swear they are chipping away like crazy. Kinda strange. Nausea is pretty much gone, unless I forget to take my zyr.tec, then it gets really really bad again. Also finding that sitting for long periods of time makes me uncomfortable.

What I'm looking forward to? Movement. Seeing the midwife (and hearing the hb) next week.

Weekly Wisdom: This next 5 months is going to fly by (especially compared to how slowly it feels these past three months passed)- don't take any of this time for granted.

Milestones: Finding it easier to tell people the news.

Emotions: Overall, I just feel like me this week. (Other than a few minor mini-meltdowns and a bit of fear creeping back in, all in all manageable)

The Infamous Club

2011-05-11T20:02:00.000-07:00

Thoughts on the infamous "The Club"

You know what has been shocking for me? "The Club," the club i longed to be a part of for so long, the mother-to-be/motherhood club?

It exists. It is live and well.

I think I had started to convince myself that maybe it didn't REALLY exsist, you know "grass is always greener" type thing. For years, I felt like an outsider, not a member of the mommy club. And it hurt so damn much. Even when I don't think the exclusion was at all intentional. But I think I started to believe that in my longing, I had made "The Club" to be more powerful, glamorous, more REAL, in my head and heart than it really was. Turns out it is just as real, and powerful as I imagined. And being part of "it" has me on a roller coaster of emotions that I have yet to fully unpack.

The women at the cell phone store, the cashier at the department store, the stranger in the PUB with her dog. All who were 1st trimester pregnant but not quite showing. All who beamed at the news when my husband shared our news in casual conversation- and like that, I was part of the club, this connection with utter strangers. They wanted to tell me all their inner most thoughts and talk baby and pregnancy non-stop, and carried on as if we were long lost friends. Co-workers who rarely connected with me before now go out of their way to ask about the kid, share stories, commiserate. They are sincerely interested in how I am feeling, what plans we have been making, if we have names picked out. The other wives at the church fellowship potluck wanted to know all the details of getting pregnant- like was it planned? (insert rolling of the eyes, oh if they only knew) how did I break the news to DH?, where will I deliver? And the list goes on.

I don't know how to deal with being now part of this "club." I am an infertile at heart. And as the "club" seeks to draw me into its membership I find myself diggin in my heals and wanting to scream at the top of my lungs "you don't know how many watchful eyes right now are experiencing heartbreak right now, watching as they get left behind, and left out once again, and I am being welcomed in." I want to stand in front of the jury and make my case for why I am NOT really worthy to be part of the club, why I am an impostor.

....and yet.....and yet I am also completely humbled by compassion of fellow humanity, friend and stranger alike, and this celebration that happens when new life is expected. What gets me the most, is the sincerity of the other "club" members. The strangers in the retail stores, my previously aloof co-workers, Dh's manly man friends, are all in awe of the life that being formed within me.

And it is a good reminder to my infertile self- that there is no doubt that is a miracle to be celebrated. One in which I am experiencing, I am living out, each day- and I don't want to take a second of it, or their compassion, for granted.

15 weeks

2011-05-10T06:59:00.000-07:00

How Far Along? 15 weeks

Maternity Clothes? Yep. But still wear one pair of non-maternity jeans. I am also desperate for new bras but haven't had the time/energy to go buy some. I just might burn the sports bra I have been living in.

Weight Gain? Far more than I had planned. And it baffles me. But since feeling better I'm have really been focusing on good nutrition and more activity.

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Still waking up once a night to pee, but I am getting used to it. I never thought I was a back sleeper, but now I am realizing how frequently I end up on my back. Trying to break that habit.

Best Moment of the Week? Seeing the husband gush with joy every single day; he is just bursting at the seams.

Movement? No; But I am trying really really hard to pay attention and watch for it.

Food Cravings? I still crave random things at random times, but am starting again to eat closer to what is normal for me.

Gender? Will know in 25 more weeks (give or take), if all goes as planned

What I miss? This week I can honestly say I miss nothing.

Symptoms: In desperation, I started taking zyr.tec for my allergies/sinus stuff which I think was exacerbating my nausea. As it turns out, I've since learned that antihistamines are often used as anti-nausea medicine as well. All I can say is it has been heaven! I have felt great, perfect, wonderful since the day I started taking it. Less sinus discomfort and NO nausea. Granted, I'm in the 2nd trimester so that is probably some of the reason for feeling better as well. But I am SO grateful to be feeling better. Beyond grateful.

What I'm looking forward to? Walking more and more. I've started adding this into my daily routine for a bit of exercise. I am so out of shape (!) but taking it slowly.

Weekly Wisdom: I think so often of what life was like during the 1st trimester, and I just wish I could go back in time and give me, the "1st trimester me", a huge hug, and let me know that I was going to be okay. And to remind "me" to not be so hard on myself for how I thought I thought I should be feeling. I felt so much guilt for not feeling connected to this kid, and I second guessed my self so many times through that really long waiting period.

Milestones: 15 weeks is a number I never even thought about. I had so many "milestones" etched in my head- all revolving around and within the first trimester. I never envisioned 15! And it feels great to be here. It boggles my mind that next week I will be 4 months.

Emotions: Joy and Gratitude, over and over again. Simple as that.

Blog worthy news

2011-05-04T06:15:00.000-07:00

I have not been nauseous in 4 full days!

14 weeks- The Storm begins to Calm

2011-05-02T05:44:00.000-07:00

How Far Along? 14 weeks

Maternity Clothes? Yep. Have one pair of non-maternity jeans, but probably the last week I can wear them. Shirts I am still in between.

Weight Gain? Not sure

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Still waking up once a night to pee, but I am getting used to it.

Best Moment of the Week? Not having fear or anxiety at all this week about this pregnancy.

Movement? No

Food Cravings? I'm still grumpy about my nausea and food aversions so this question will go unanswered.

Gender? My chiropractor says he can tell from signs my body gives during my appointment as to the gender of the kid. He has written his guess in my chart to be revealed after baby is born to see if he is right. He says he has been accurate over 75% of the time.

What I miss? Not much this week.

Symptoms: Nausea, oh how I dislike thee, it was really really bad again this week. I finally started taking a daily allergy medicine (after consulting with my doctor) to try to get my sinus yuck under control and I think it is helping. Which means my sinuses are feeling better and with less post nasal drip my stomach is not getting so nauseous. Hopefully this trend continues.

What I'm looking forward to? My thick midsection starting to look more round and pregnant. Relief from my sinus yuck. Spring weather.

Weekly Wisdom: This too will pass. Always a good thing to remind myself that all of the tough stuff in life is temporary.

Milestones: End of first trimester according to some books. (I personally celebrated last week as the end.)

Emotions: Feeling like my love for this kid is starting to overflow after a long season of holding back. Other than that, feeling oddly calm (never thought I would say that. Ever!)

From DH's perspective- Out of the Woods

2011-04-30T15:02:00.000-07:00

At 13weeks4days, here is a writing excerpt from DH

Out of the Woods- 4/30/11

We’re officially out of the woods now

as far as science tells us—

past the first trimester.

and I have seen your little fingers and toes

and one leg kicking wildly

as you tossed and turned

a somersault

in you mother’s belly

but I have been talking to you

through the thin wall of skin, muscle, blood and fluid

that separates us

my voice must sound to you

like the wax-coated string

and tin can telephone conversations

I had with my friends as a kid

But you are my baby

As sure as I am your poppa

I love and adore you

without so much as the knowledge

of your being a boy or a girl,

and without you even having a name.

my heart sings and dances

a Spanish love song

with each little wiggle and leg kick

that you make

each tiny, thumb sucking, body-stretching moment

that I know that you exist.

13 weeks (Hard. to. fathom. this.!)

2011-04-26T05:05:00.000-07:00

How Far Along? 13 weeks (Hard. to. fathom. this.!)

Maternity Clothes? Pretty much have only one pair of non-maternity jeans that fit. Everything else is now elastic waists. My maternity pants feel very frumpy on me, so that isn't cool right now. But I am trying to slowly find the right wardrobe pieces. I shopped over the weekend and found a few things I feel good in. My non-maternity tops are quickly getting too short as well but maternity tops are still too big.

Weight Gain? Just a few days ago I was at +11 pounds. But as of today, I'm up only 7.5. Not sure why I've lost, probably just water.

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Starting to get a bit better (knock on wood).

Best Moment of the Week? There were many- number one was hearing the heartbeat with the dopplar at yesterday's midwife appointment. Also we went out to dinner last week at a nice restaurant with good friends of ours to celebrate the end of the first trimester. It was a perfect celebration.

Movement? No

Food Cravings? Not much this week in the way of cravings. Still quite picky about food preferences. Sinus yuckiness has my taste buds messed up a bit, I can say that much.

Gender? DH says boy. I have no idea. While we listened to the doppler my instinct said girl. But I still don't have a strong gut feeling.

What I miss? Feeling good. And I miss a body that feels strong. Psychically I feel so achy, weak, and out of shape.

Symptoms: Nausea has been better lately. I think the only nausea I have is caused by my sinus drainage. Sinuses still suck. The girls seem to have doubled in size this week alone. Amazing how it happened overnight. I have had a lot of cramping and aches and pain in my lower back, uterus area, and whole abdomen area earlier this week- low and high. I imagine everything is just stretching and growing (?!). It had me a bit on edge this week though worried something was wrong. But it has been a relief that it didn't last too long.

What I'm looking forward to? My thick midsection starting to look more round and pregnant. Relief from my sinus yuck. Spring weather.

Weekly Wisdom: I feel like I underestimated how much our friends would also love this kid who isn't even born yet. It has been so amazing to see the love poured out from our friends and how giddy they are, even those friends that I didn't think were kid/baby people.

Milestones: End of first trimester. Longest span of time without an u/s . Hearing the doppler.

Emotions: I could and will write a whole post on the emotions I felt this week- fear and panic having gone public with our news, followed by a bout of pretty real depression, then guilt that I would feel anything less than joy, mixed with elation having heard the heart beat, all wrapped up in mixed feelings about multiple encounters of feeling now part of the "club" I've longed to be in. But still feel like such an imposter once on the inside. Like I said- there is a lot to write about this week. I'll save it for another post.

The sound of 13 weeks

2011-04-25T19:25:00.000-07:00

I had my midwife appointment today.................and we heard the heartbeat with the dopplar. We. heard. it.

Tears rolled down my cheeks and continue to flow even as I type this. I was so worried we wouldn't be able to hear it and it would leave me in limbo without the assurance that all is okay.

The relief and joy that that sound brought to my spirit was the most wonderful salve for my wounded heart.

I heard my child's heartbeat inside of me.

Tomorrow I will be officially 13 weeks.

Lord God, I am in absolute awe and completely humbled that we are in this place. Never let me forget the dark and broken journey that led us to this place. Never. I don't ever want to take this for granted. I pray with all my being that I may live a life that is worthy of raising this lil' being in this world.
There is so much in this universe that I don't understand- the darkness and the light both, they baffle me. I will never understand how it is possible to know such deep deep despair and such utter overwhelming joy all in one lifetime. I struggle to believe, I struggle to continue to have faith. But I know that you are redeeming all of this, in ways that are beyond human comprehension. I know.

12 weeks

2011-04-19T05:52:00.000-07:00

How Far Along? 12 weeks

Maternity Clothes? Some pants, although they are still big. And a few of my non-maternity are still "ok" but clock is tickin'. My favorite part of the day is my over sized flannel pj bottoms when i get home from work.

Weight Gain? Don't know this week.

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Still waking up and peeing around 3-5am. Which wouldn't be too bad, but I am finding it impossible to fall back asleep again. It's getting a bit old.

Best Moment of the Week? Telling a group of my girl friends via email and also sharing the news with my co-workers.

Movement? No

Food Cravings? Jam.ba juice. I've gone three times this week. :)

Gender? We don't plan to find out the gender prior to the kid's arrival

What I miss? Sleep and Sinuses that don't hurt, it was a bit rough this week in that regard.

Symptoms: Still have food aversions and picky taste buds. Still waves of nausea. When it comes, it hits hard, but have days when I feel somewhat normal, so that is nice. My sinuses are a mess. Still really tired, but I think it might be due to my sinuses as much as anything else. My lower back has started to be pretty sore. Occasionally I'll get some heartburn. That's the laundry list in a nutshell.

What I'm looking forward to? Hopefully my sinuses will clear up soon. (Fingers crossed). And I am also looking forward to my next midwife appointment on Monday. Can't believe it has been nearly 4 weeks already since my last appt.

Weekly Wisdom: Letting others share in our joy will not jinx this pregnancy.

Milestones: I know there are different opinions about when the end of the first trimester. Some say 12, some say 13, some say 14 (which I don't like that answer at all). So I am going to celebrate the end of the first trimester twice- once today and again next week. Another milestone is that we registered for our birth class. It doesn't start until end of August, but the classes fill up quick.

Emotions: Definitely felt more relaxed and more at peace than any other week in this pregnancy. The fear and panic creeps in still, but I'm starting to feel myself believing this one will stick around.

A new day and a new goal

2011-04-16T14:33:00.000-07:00

I work up feeling better today. Physically and emotionally. I am SO grateful to be feeling better.

And with feeling better came some clarity around my feelings about my job. I've came to a final decision and made up my mind that I am not going to go back to my current job full-time after the kid comes. I spent some time playing with Excel spread sheets today and yesterday, (which is wonderfully therapeutic for me). And I looked at the calendar, and I weighed options. And I have complete certainity that I do not want to go back to my current job full-time. It isn't good for me or us. And I know we can do without my full-time salary at least for the short-term.

So the ball will be in my boss's court when I tell her (sometime this summer probably is when I'll tell her). And IF she proposes part-time work as an alternative, then I will have to make that decision. That is a tougher decision, but I am leaning towards turning that down as well, but we will see. My hope is this: I have my heart set on having the summer off with DH the first summer we have the kid. (His teaching schedule allows him 3 months off in the summer). And I just really love the idea of slowing down and neither one of us working for just one summer. The kid will be around 8-10 months old. And I want to visit the grandparents for an extended amount of time. Spend time with the cousins. Go on picnics (Okay, we've never gone on a picnic before, but you know what I mean). I'll have to work again eventually, and maybe it is pie in the sky to even hope for this. But we will see.

I just has been such a whirlwind in life...lately, and for a really long time. From the time we have gotten married there just has been so many chaos inducing times in our life, again and again. I know that having this kid will turn our life upside down again (in a good way, but also chaos inducing in its own way). And I just want to slow down as much of the chaos as I can.

This is what I am aiming for. One summer of being free from our jobs and together. Dh, me, and the kid.

Sack of Poo

2011-04-15T09:57:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to be at work over an hour ago. I called in sick. Again. Not sure if I am going to go in later or not. Yesterday I took the day off as well. Grrr. I have sinus pressure and just feel like a truck ran over me. Add on waves of nausea to the post-nasal drip and I feel dandy. (Note sarcasm).

But I feel like SUCH A SLACKER at work.

I have been mindlessly internet surfing and I decided to peek in on a "November 2011 Birth Club" forum that I look at from time to time. One of the most active threads was from other folks about as far along as me about how much they dislike their jobs right now, even those who typically like there jobs, and over and over posts about how the first trimester is kicking their butt at work. It was the best thing I could have read today. Because I am feeling like I am not keeping up at work, at home, nada. And, I just don't find much satisfaction in my job. Not one iota right now.

I know my "poor me" rant is in part fueled by the fact that DH has been out of town all week and won't be back until Sunday. And I am realizing how much of a help he had been around the house, and in preparing food for me. The house is an absolute pig sty since he left. Think on the scale of being condemned by the health department! That bad. And all I have been eating is convenience food. Anything that doesn't take much preparation and doesn't have a strong odor.

One women said it best in the forum thread when she said she was feeling like a "worthless sack of poo" at work right now. Ha! I couldn't have said it any better.

This job has always been a temporary job. It is not the end-all-be-all job for me. It was only supposed to last 6 months and it has been 3 1/2 years. It has given me everything I had hoped for- professional contacts, amazing references, expanding my resume further into the field I want to be in. But it isn't the best fit for me. It never has been. I only halfheartedly believe in the mission of my department. And lately the direction they are heading has me raising my eyebrows even more so.

This job was also supposed to be a 6 month filler job until we had our baby. I got pregnant for the first time shortly after I got this temp job. As the job has continued on and on, so has our IF journey. Fastforward three years, and here I am again- pregnant, and it looks likely it is going to lead to a real live kid. And this, THIS KID, is what I want. Add in the 1st trimester hormones, exhaustion, and nausea, and I just don't care about my job right now. And this is SO unlike me. When I do something, I give it 110%. No iffs, ands, or buts.

So I am feeling some guilt for a) being so inefficient at work right and b) not caring that that is the case and (almost) not caring that I called in sick yet again.

I think it might be easier if I could make up my mind about whether or not I am going to quit this job once the kid arrives or offer to stay on part-time. I really want to quit. Really really bad. And we can afford for me to stay home for a while afterwards 6-10 months for sure. But then I need to have some sort of income, ideally part time. And in this economy it is just hard to walk away from a job. I feel torn between wanting to do what I really want to do and my practical side that wants to play it safe finance wise.

but I know that being in the midst of the craziness of this first trimester isn't the best time to be weighing all of these decisions. I have plenty of time, and like everything else- this too will pass. I won't always feel like a poo.

Outed

2011-04-12T14:18:00.000-07:00

Remember earlier today when I posted that I was worrying about a co-worker noticing my midsection and outing me? Yep- it happened. So far it is just one co-worker, but I imagine if she is noticing, others are.

It wasn't necessarily my midsection she noticed though, or at least she didn't admit to noticing that.

The co-worker who asked me, is someone I consider a friend. We don't socialize outside of work, but I have the utmost respect for her and I adore her. I had been contemplating telling her before the others, but my fear and paranoia kept me from spilling the beans.

She came right out and asked me as we were walking alone in between meetings- with the disclaimer that it was none of her business. :) She knows some of my history, enough to know that it hasn't been easy and that we really really want this. She was so excited for us. I am still a bit surprised that she came out and asked. It's kinda funny- the things that tipped her off, are things that I wasn't even worried about others noticing. She said last week we walked up the stairs together and I was breathing heavy (I don't even remember that, but I know breathing feels much more pronounced. She said my face has been flushed frequently, and she noticed today when I reached for something that I had a stretchy maternity waistband on today (Outed on my first day wearing my new stretchy waist pants! Doh!). So, she asked- and it was fun to celebrate.

But... there is a mix of emotions. Part of me feels like I want to, need to, crawl under a rock and hide, far, far away. Maybe it is the fear that by saying it out loud I will jinx things. Maybe it is just that I have kept SO much of all of this to myself, the miscarriages, the infertility, the IVF, and now this kid in me- it has all been my personal secret, my darkness to carry- it just seems like a huge abyss that I am leaping into by sharing even part of the news. But I think there is also a good portion of my emotions that is connected to body image, and being self conscious about the extra padding, upon extra padding. Some of the padding is baby, some of it is IVF, some of it is just pudge that has accumulated during this three year difficult stretch of IF. I like a certain degree of invisibility when it comes to my body, I always have and especially right now. And I feel like I have a spotlight on me as everyone is either noticing, or about to notice, that I am growing and growing. Having watched my weight all my adult life, and never being in the "thin" category, having my body be on display as it evolves has me a bit self-conscious, okay, not a bit, but a lot self conscious. Especially right now given I am just look thick and pudgy, and not pregnant.

Oh my, I anticipate a flood gate of emotions this week.....

Sorry for venting, I am grateful, beyond grateful, and I really not wanting to sweat this small stuff. Hopefully by saying it out loud here in this space I can let some of this go.

11 weeks- Update

2011-04-12T06:31:00.000-07:00

How Far Along? 11weeks

Maternity Clothes? In regular clothes I am down to 1 pair of dress pants, 1 pair of jeans and then some loungewear that still fits. I have been ordering a bunch of maternity bottoms, trying to find what fits and I now have a few maternity pair that will last me for a while. I also got two maternity tops on clearance at O.ld Na.vy for $4 each. Don't need them yet, but nice bargain.

Weight Gain? I have been avoiding the scale. I'll report next week. Updated: I braved the scale. 7 pounds. this is hard for me, I need to work on accepting that my body knows what it is doing.

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Waking up and peeing still once a night around 4-5am; starting to not like sleeping on my stomach.Some crazy dreams now and then.

Best Moment of the Week? the U/S at 10wk3 days and seeing the kiddo kicking and moving. And almost as wonderful has been watching the video of the u/s over and over again.

Movement? No

Food Cravings? I've been wanting green salads again, which is really nice (but only if someone else makes them for me). Still plenty of aversions, but overall it is all more manageable most of the time.

Gender? We don't plan to find out the gender prior to the kid's arrival

What I miss? Not much this week, it has been a pretty good week. If I had to choose something I'd say I miss being able to take heavy duty sinus meds. My sinuses have been brutal this week.

Symptoms: The usual waves of nausea, tiredness. Oh, and after stressing about whether or not the girls had gotten bigger? I tried on a few of my bras (I had resorted to only wearing my sports bras for comfort and realized I hadn't even worn my regular bras in weeks), well turns out NONE of the old ones fit. I'd say I have grown. There have also been some strange symptoms too during this trimester- I get this really weird scalp pain at the top/crown of my head. It is as if my hair follicles hurt (sort of like a too tight ponytail feeling). I googled it and found some other pregnant folks talking about it on some forums. So at least I am not crazy. So strange. It comes and it goes, and is not at all related to the days I do/don't wear ponytails.

What I'm looking forward to? I'm looking forward to when I look definitively pregnant, even to strangers. I am a little tired of feeling self conscious about my growing, thick mid-section. Especially when I am not quite ready to share the news. I worry a co-worker is going to publicly ask me and I won't know how to respond.

Weekly Wisdom: Don't wanna fear no more, I want to love every moment of this pregnancy.

Milestones: No more vaginal prometrium as of last week (10 weeks). My RE said I could just stop cold turkey. The idea of that stressed me out and I had planned to wean off of it until 11 weeks. But once I got to 10weeks I was so sick of those things that I just stopped cold turkey. Oh, it is nice to be done.

Emotions: Today? Still feeling calm from having had the good u/s. Starting to feel a bit relaxed. Starting to imagine the excitement of sharing the news with others. Still a bit prone to crankiness- my job irks me more often then not, I have to take a deep breath with DH more than usual to not snap at him, but, all it all it isn't too bad.

Wand Envy [Flashback]

2011-04-09T08:05:00.000-07:00

I wrote this post on 2/6/11 while we were in the midst of our stimming. As it turns out, this post was just two days before we ended up doing our egg retrieval. I am not sure why I never posted this- I think it was just one of those posts that I ended up not having time to post or it just got lost in the shuffle. But since yesterday marked our big graduation from vaginal to abdominal u/s scans, I thought it was only fitting for me to post it. (Amazing that this was written 2 1/2 months ago- time has gone so fast and so slow all at the same time)

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With our history of miscarriages, the u/s room has its demons. Ultrasounds have only brought devastating news. We have never seen a live moving little fetus, or a beating heart. We have never received good news in those rooms as it pertains to pregnancy. For the longest time, I would have anxiety attacks just thinking of walking in that room- even for benign u/s - the type of ultrasounds in which there won't likely be good or bad news- just boring news. But thanks to (lots of) time on the therapist's couch and some time and distance from our losses, the ultrasound room isn't quite as traumatic. Which is a good thing because I have been having a lot of them lately! But hubby mentioned to me today that it is still hard for him to go in the u/s room. And it got me thinking back to some of our dark times, and all the losses that we have endured in u/s rooms.

Today as we waited for the u/s tech to come in and count my follicles, I looked at the blank u/s monitor, the computer stand and wands and all the techy stuff, and I willed myself to envision a live baby with a beating heart flickering on that screen. Our baby. And I willed myself to imagine a happy ending to all this madness. It seems so unfathomable to me that WE, DH & I, could actually some day get good news in that room. Right now I am focused on the day to day of injections, counting follicles, and gearing up for 2 ww. But imagining anything beyond that is hard. Let alone imagining GOOD news.

And I realized, as our story flashed through my memory banks the few minutes sitting waiting on the u/s table. Not only have we only ever gotten bad news in the u/s room. I also have only ever had a vaginal u/s. Our pregnancies never made it far enough to graduate to the NEXT wand.... I have never had a belly ultrasound. And frankly, I HAVE WAND ENVY.

I glanced over at the ultrasound machine, with the dildo wand, already donning its protective rubber gear in anticipation of the tech's arrival. And right next to it, sitting there staring at me, taunting me, was the belly wand. Oh, how I long to graduate to that wand. I want it with all my might. That someday, someday I pray, that THAT wand will be needed. And my pants can stay on, and it doesn't matter whether I remembers to shave "down there".... And that I can say screw you to the dildo wand and everything it has symbolized in this dark and ugly journey.

10weeks 3 days of worry

2011-04-08T17:25:00.000-07:00

I wonder if I can live without fear. without worry. without panic and anxiety. I wonder if I can. I wonder if I even want to. Or has fear become my security blanket.

I sat on the ultrasound table, waiting (and waiting) for the u/s tech today. And I was absolutely frozen in fear. Even DH couldn't nudge me out of my state of paralysis. It struck me that instead of getting easier, these ultrasounds have me more and more of a wreck. And the thing it came down to? I realized that I never again want to get the rug pulled out from under my naive hopefulness. I felt so burned the first pregnancy when we joyfully and naively went in for our first scan, only to see an empty nothingness of a sac. And I felt so stupid. I know that is a strange word. It even sounds out of place to me- I just felt like I had had the cruel joke played on me and the universe was taunting me with that black empty screen. Taunting me saying "Ha, how dare you hope and believe in something this wonderful, this beautiful." My breath was taken away that day. And now I (almost) consciously feel like I prepare myself for the worst, I even expect the worst, so that never again will the rug be pulled out that fast and hard again.

But preparing for the worst isn't working for me anymore. It is taking up too much of my time and energy. And it is robbing me of the joy of this pregnancy, quite possibly the only time I may ever have this experience. I would rather to dive in head first and love this kid with all I have. Instead of imaging the worst, I want to dream of onesies, and family bike rides, and the first time Grandpa holds him/her. I want to live without this fear.

I saw my child today- who is all of 5cm head to toe- kick, and wiggle, and turn from side to side on the grainy black and white screen. I saw my child's heart beating, still beating strong, at 180bpm. I saw its toes and fingers. I saw the blood running through the umbilical cord. I saw a magnified version of the 1/2cm long foot. And it was all the most miraculous thing I have ever seen in my entire life. Ever.

I don't want to live in fear anymore. I really don't. I don't know how to shed it as it has been a constant companion, but the cost of continuing to carry it is far too great.

I have a kid growing inside of me!

P.S. And I have officially graduated to the abdominal scan. No trousers were dropped in the scanning of this kid today. Picture choirs of angels coming down from the heavens singing a Hallelujah chorus, that is how thrilled I was.

Dates and anniversaries.

2011-04-06T07:09:00.000-07:00

Friday is my next u/s. I have been cranky all week, I think it is nerves. I will be 10wk3days on Friday.

And I just looked at an old blog post and realized.......Friday is also the anniversary of my first D&C in 2008. I was 10wk4days. Ugg.

Now I am understanding this underlying crabbiness this week....

So far, history has been rewriting a new chapter, a much better chapter. Praying that Friday will be another celebration of this new chapter.

10 Week- Update

2011-04-05T04:29:00.000-07:00

How Far Along? 10weeks

Maternity Clothes? Two words- Bel.la Band. My world is a better place. It is actually the Tar.get brand, not sure what their brand is called. But it is making my waistline so much more comfortable. In non-maternity bottoms, I have 2 work pants, 2 jeans, and then some lounge pants that still fit, so I am doing so-so on clothes, but the band will help me get a bit more time out of what I have left for pants. I also ordered a ton of maternity bottoms on line (still hard for me to admit that- the whole jinxing fear). I don't plan to keep all of them, but need options to try on as it is hard to find the right size for me. I ordered a variety of brands, sizes, and styles. Now, just waiting on trusty USPS to deliver them to my door.

Weight Gain? 5 lb. Several of you have had some great comments to help me put this in perspective. I am doing okay with it and pleased with that number so far. I am starting to trust that once I feel better I'll be able to regain some of my healthier eating habits. As my midwife said- "Hon, the first trimester is just about surviving. You're doing well."

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? My nightly 4am wake up, is now more like 530am now, and then I can't get back to sleep. All in all, no major complaints though.

Best Moment of the Week? Reading to DH from a website that details what is happening with the growth and development of the kid at this stage. He was in awe. It was one of those perfect moments.

Movement? No

Food Cravings? Aversions are still very strong. And I am eating foods that are not my norm. Still have limited tolerance for talking about food or being in a grocery store. But it is all quite a bit less intense and more manageable than before.

Gender? We don't plan to find out the gender prior to the kid's arrival

What I miss? Having energy. Eating green vegetables.

Symptoms: Nausea comes and goes. Sense of smell is strong. Heartburn now and then. The girls don't really hurt at all and don't feel heavy and full anymore (insert freak-out moment). Waistline is getting thick. I have days when I feel great, but then I'll have moments or days in which the nausea comes in waves. Even though it is bad at times now, it is SO much more manageable than before- it really puts into perspective how miserable I really felt those first several weeks. Really rough stuff.

What I'm looking forward to? U/S on Friday (at 10wk3days). Also looking forward to starting to tell people our news (not for a couple more weeks, but it feels like it is getting closer fast).

Weekly Wisdom: 10 weeks goes by SO quickly and SO amazingly slow, all at the same time.

Milestones: Double frickin' digits. I am at 10 weeks pregnant. The big 1-0. Amazing. Also buying a bel.la band and shopping in the maternity clothes section was a milestone.

Emotions: Had a few days that I felt like I was having a near anxiety attack, mostly triggered by noticing my bo.obs didn't hurt anymore, etc. I had flashbacks to our ultrasounds in which all we saw was an empty sac. But then I had a few days where the end of the day came and I realized I hadn't felt fear or anxiety at all during the day. I still don't feel as much joy as I hoped I would, but being patient with myself knowing that will come as the fear subsides.

The end of single digits, and telling my Boss

2011-04-04T07:23:00.000-07:00

Today is 9 weeks 6 days. Tomorrow I will reach double digits- 10 weeks pregnant.

It seems like I have been walking in a fog for a really long time now. A fog of joy, fear, bloatiness, nausea, exhaustion, hope. I feel like I am slowly coming out of the fog. The nausea is so much better than it was. I still get nauseous, it comes out of no where and knocks me off my feet. But it is far easier to deal with than the 24/7 constant state I was in. I also am less exhausted- last night i looked at the clock at it was 9:49pm and I was still happily working on a project and lost track of time. I have not been awake in the 9pm hour for weeks and weeks. So, this is progress. I was not expecting to have relief from it so early in the trimester. And the fact that I am feeling better is still my greatest source of fear. The constant nausea was horrible, but it brought some reassurance. My next u/s is on Friday (10wk3day). I am so glad I have another one for some piece of mind.
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I read up quite often on the week by week development of this kid, and look at other people's u/s pics, etc online. DH is more of a go with the flow and doesn't spend as much time reading up on it. Yesterday, while DH and were having a lazy morning in bed, I read for him what all is developing at week 10. He was absolutely awestruck. It was really sweet and one of the highlights of my week. He is already so in love with this kid and I visibly saw him melting in front of me as he fell in love even deeper. I showed him some u/s pics of 10 weeks, and we were both just in shock how quickly the fetus grows at this stage. Granted, I thought our 8week u/s was the cutest thing ever, but in just two more weeks, it is actually looking even more and more like a b-a-b-y. (according to google images).
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I told my boss my news. It was a bit spur of the moment and much earlier than I had planned to, but I knew she was going to be meeting with the Vice President of Human Resources about some big picture staffing things in our office. And, well, given some info I had been given, I felt like it might be to my advantage to get my news to her before she met with HR. It was a gamble, because again there was not predicting how she would react- but I decided to do it.

Sharing the news with her went really well (I wasn't expecting the news to be well received. She can be really hard to predict). And I think that in the end, given her reaction - I think that as best as I can tell, it was the best decision to tell her before she went to HR. I think it might result in a few more doors being left open for flexible job possibilities for the future.

She seemed to truly be thrilled for us. She even hugged me and teared up. After the news settled in a bit she did then take a deep breath and ask me about future plans. I didn't know quite what to say because we haven't decided what I plan to do. I am seriously considering quitting this job. But I feel like it could be career suicide to say that this early. I did hint at it though and let her know that this is all new and DH and I are trying to wrap our heads around it. And told her that we are seriously considering all options from me staying at home to coming back full-time to coming back part-time. So I put it out there, but left it vague enough so that I feel like it is still my decision in the end. The only part that was a bit surprising is she said she'd like to know by June/early July what I intend to do. That just seems awfully soon, but we'll see. I know I need to give her some time to process it all as well.

Pregnancy weight gain: From the Husband's point of view

2011-04-02T21:12:00.000-07:00

I will admit, that I struggle with wanting to weight myself weekly to help ensure I don't gain too much and on the other hand wanting to stay as far away from the scale as possible because the weight gain seems so outside of my ability to control it. And I am only still in the first trimester! My pants were already starting to feel snug and the bra was feeling full literally from about 5 weeks on- undoubtedly from a combination of IVF bloat, comfort eating, and well maybe actual pregnancy- I told DH about this blog post I had read that really hit home for me as I try to embrace what is already happening with my body and what most certainly (and hopefully) lies ahead. This got DH to writing and his writing is one of the many things I love about this man. I loved what he wrote so much I politely asked ~~begged~~ ~~pleaded~~ for him to let me share this on my blog. And he agreed- so, some reflections from DH's perspective (and evidence why I love him all the more):

"There are numbers to describe us on a driver’s license, a passport, a voter’s registration card, our blood pressure, people who have died at the hands of a suicide bomber or a military skirmish.

And there are numbers for the level of HCG hormone in an expectant mother’s bloodstream, numbers for a planet impacted by global warming, a drunk driver’s level of intoxication, a student’s grade point average or for the mass that comprises a person’s bodily weight.

How is it that while these numbers literally and figuratively have meaning, they also bear little or no resemblance to the complexities of life that they attempt to summarize? They cannot define or explain us no matter how hard one tries.

I’m thinking of how a mechanical scale is used to measure one’s physical mass. And, as an athlete I have one measure of my weight, while American society, preoccupied with the “thin culture,” has another.

My wife is pregnant. She has already gained weight and there will undoubtedly be a time when someone will comment “My, your boobs have gotten gigantic!” or “Wow, I’ll bet she’s having twins!” It is so strange in the “thin culture” that we do not look at the natural bodily cushioning that describes the gestation process as just that, “natural.” But while others may refrain politely from comment in public, aside from the pregnant mom there will inevitably be the snickers or the jibes like “She has really put on weight, hasn’t she?! I hope she can lose it after she gives birth….” And, she has to bear not only the back pain, the weird food cravings, morning sickness and inexplicable hormone fluctuations but her own sidelong glance in the mirror as her body puffs and bloats and grows with each day that is our baby, arriving.

I am obviously a man and a spectator to much that my wife will endure on this journey, aside from the hormone injections I put into her belly prior to witnessing the actual moment of conception facilitated by our embryologist. But I do know one thing. This time is precious. My pregnant, tall and “blossoming” wife is precious. And there will likely be no time when I can ever imagine her more beautiful than now, as her body grows with our child."

9 week- Update

2011-03-29T18:37:00.000-07:00

Sorry I have been a stranger. Nausea and exhaustion are still kickin' my butt. I am a terrible blog friend right now too with my Reader list a mile long. But I I think I am starting to see the light at the end of the (still long) tunnel.

How Far Along? 9weeks

Maternity Clothes? No. But the three work pants I am wearing are getting awfully uncomfortable. Really, so soon!!? I have been doing some online window shopping as my inseam length is really hard to find in maternity clothes and finding clothes that fit won't be an easy feat. I also tried on a few clothes at a maternity clothes store with the strap on belly- surreal to imagine this belly growing into that.

Weight Gain? 4.5 lb Ugg. Need to slow that down. My nausea is making me want carbs and comfort food.

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Still waking up once around 4am every night. Wide away and sleepless for no reason. Crawling into bed the minute I get home from work.

Best Moment of the Week? U/S at 8week2days.

Movement? No

Food Cravings? Aversions are very strong, but cravings are not as intense. I dislike hearing anyone talk about food, period. And can only handle being in the grocery store for a few minutes before I feel sick.

Gender? We won't be finding out sex prior to the kid's arrival

What I miss? Exercise and being active. I am such a bump on a log.

Symptoms: I was worried my symptoms were fading, but now I am starting to trust a bit that they are not fading, but actually just coming and going. Sometimes they are really noticeable and othertimes more manageable. I actually felt okay enough to get some things done around the house on Sat. for a change. I literally have not been getting anything accomplished for weeks and weeks. Girls don't hurt much anymore- only from time to time. And they don't seem to be getting bigger, which is puzzling and worries me a bit. But DH disagrees and insists they are growing.

What I'm looking forward to? Feeling better. Staying up until 10pm without severe fatigue. Hopefully another u/s next week.

Weekly Wisdom: I feel like I am lacking wisdom this week.

Milestones: Had 1st Midwife appointment; It was okay, just okay. I have another appointment with a different clinic tomorrow. I'll give the full run-down of both later this week.

Emotions: Bit less fragile. And occasionally feeling joy and excitement for the future peaking its head in.

8 wk 2 day- U/S

2011-03-24T19:54:00.000-07:00

Absolutely perfect. OMG! There is a real live kid in there that keeps on growing.

Measuring perfectly on track at almost 2cm, almost an inch big. Heartbeat at 172. And the cutest damn kid ever. (Yes, I am bias already I know). We saw a head and lil stumpy arms and lil leg buds.

OMG.

And the heartbeat- oh, the heartbeat. And it is IN ME! I just wanted to get up and do a dance of joy in watching it beat away- alive, and beating. Although I couldn't do a happy dance because there was a wand up my hu-ha. Last time the doctor and DH saw the HB at 6wk but I couldn't really make it out on the screen. This time- I saw it the instant the wand went in. It was just flickering away, strong, steady, and fast right smack dab in the middle of our lil baby.

OMG.

I cried a few tears, but the emotion was much different than the tears at the 6 wk u/s. Those tears were the tears of an anguished beat up heart, that has been holding its breath and finally was able to exhale, just a bit. These tears today were of a heart recognizing it was in the presence of pure, pure beauty. Raw and honest, but with a glimpse of healing surrounding them as they fell.

Someone pinch me. I don't know what to do with this joy I feel.

We graduated from the RE. I am not ready. Not ready to go at all. But they printed our OB report to pass along, gave us a pregnancy resource book, and reminded me how much longer to keep taking the vaginal prometrium (12 more days, and I am so ready to be done). It was all very weird. Not sure what I expected for an exit, but it felt strange.

I took the day off from work (again) today. I wasn't going to tell my boss for many more weeks about the pregnancy, but I am starting to reconsider. I think I might want to tell her sooner vs. later if for no other reason than I think she would better understand why all the random sick days, and days showing up late at the office. But regardless, it has been a glorious day off.

So- the only part of the day that caused me to furrow my brow a bit was this- Our RE was not the least bit happy with our decision to transfer our care to a midwife. He thinks we need to be with an OB. He commented that IVF pregnancies/babies are considered slightly higher risk than average. I think he wanted to express much more of his opinion, but bit his tongue. He had nothing positive to say about going to a midwife.

Sigh- I feel like I know both sides of the debate- OB vs. midwife, hospital vs. non-hospital birth. In my heart I really want to go with the midwives we have chosen and deliver outside of a hospital at a birth center. I know many people have strong opinions on either side- now I am just so confused and wavering. I don't know what to do. Or who to trust.

As it stands I have three appointments scheduled at three different clinics- two different midwife clinics and 1 appointment with an OB. I figured I would get my first appointments scheduled on the books with my top three choices at three different places and decide later which one to keep. These appointments are rapidly approaching and I am more confused than when I started.

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Hey kiddo- I am in awe. You are doing a great job growing in their- I know I am not feeding you very well right now, and well, in all honesty it is because your presence is making me very sick 24/7. Food is not my friend. But nonetheless, your heart keeps beating away, and you are growing by leaps and bounds. I am in absolute awe. And I'm starting to, maybe, just maybe starting to believe that you are going to stick around. And that makes me overflow with joy. Until the day we hold you in our arms, Luv, ma

8 wk 1day Update

2011-03-23T17:59:00.000-07:00

I've had this post drafted for over a week. I keep updating it but never posting it. My irrational side is still trying to tell me to hold off on acting like I am pregnant until my u/s tomorrow. But I know that shortly after that, I'll find a new milestone to hold off until- and the goal posts keep moving. So, I am going forth and acting pregnant. These weekly updates are mostly for me, I just don't want to forget any of this- the good and the bad.

How Far Along? 8weeks 1day

Maternity Clothes? No. But the bloating or whatever it is came really early. I have to be selective with what I wear as some of it is already too tight and some if it just screams- "look at my growing midsection". I have only three pairs of pants that I will wear to work any more. Shopping needs to happen soon.

Weight Gain? 2 lb (Ahem, not including weight gained during IVF). Really hope this stays at this for a few more weeks. I want to gain slowly at first.

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? For the last three weeks, I have been waking up every morning, without fail, around 3-4am for no reason. Sometimes I go to the bathroom just because I am up, but I don't think that is why I wake up in the first place. Strange and slightly annoying. Up until earlier this week, I was crashing at night around 7:30pm- dead tired. This week I haven't been quite as tired which is nice (but worries me too, I worry it is a sign of symptoms fading. Sigh, ya can't win when miscarriage is your past).

Best Moment of the Week? Being home all day last Friday and doing absolutely nothing. Much needed mental sanity day. Also, every time that DH talks about or talks to the kiddo.

Movement? No

Food Cravings? Last week it was anything tomato based- especially pizza and marinara. and Honey toast. This week sloppy joes. Beyond that I have a lot of food aversions- The list is too long of things I won't eat or look at.

Gender? We won't be finding out sex prior to the kid's arrival

What I miss? Being productive. And I miss liking my job. I really really dislike work right now- and I am assuming it is just a symptom of 1st trimester.

Symptoms: Nauseousness is the most bothersome and the most constant. I hate it very much. And I have tried everything, without finding any relief. I am convinced nothing really helps. Some days, the nauseousness fades. I freak out. But it hasn't gone away completely. Girls are still sore, but not nearly as sore as Week 5 and 6. Little bit of heartburn a couple times a week. A few headaches a week.

What I'm looking forward to? U/S tomorrow and nauseousness going away. And starting to be a better friend in blogland. I am so behind.

Weekly Wisdom: Breath. Just take a deep breath. (and find a new tv series to watch on netflix to pass the time)

Milestones: Heartbeat at 6wk3day u/s. And it is a milestone to be at 8 weeks 1 day and have not yet been given threatening news. By 8 weeks, in both of the other pregnancies, we had been given the first u/s that showed likely a blighted ovum. For now, we are entering 8 weeks and have good news. That is a milestone.

Emotions: Train Wreck. Earlier this week I was a train wreck emotionally. Doing a little better. But still fragile.

Pesky (Irrational?) Fear

2011-03-22T19:33:00.000-07:00

A peace started to settle in me over the weekend. Granted, it wasn't a full blown peace, but the tables seemed to tip a bit in favor of peace, rather than irrational fear.

Scratch that- I take that back. That is being a bit hard on me- it isn't entirely irrational fear. I have had two miscarriages. I have never known my body to carry a live baby to term. So,it is not entirely irrational to fear the worst.

But this is a different path. We got to this point of the pregnancy in a different way. And all signs so far are good.

Today, when the nausea lifted a bit, I took comfort in the fact that I felt clear headed for just a bit. The fear peaked in now and again, taunting me, asking me to consider a dead floating baby inside of me. But for the most part, I just enjoyed today.

The fear that IS irrational is the fear that by putting positive energy out there, or by actually, you know, HAVING HOPE, that somehow I will jinx it and be responsible for the demise of this pregnancy. I know that it isn't true. I know that telling friends we are pregnant, or considering baby names will not CAUSE a miscarriage. That is the irrational side of the fear- but it is sure ever present. I think it is what sent me over the edge last week- in that we had started to believe this might actually happen, we had told a few more close friends, and the irrational fear consumed me.

I am doing a bit better. I am breathing a bit more.

I bought some maternity clothes online. I know it is early, but I just needed to do it. It was almost two weeks ago that I placed the actual order. And I was very hopeful then. And in part is my way of saying Screw You, Miscarriage - this time I am actually going to NEED maternity clothes. And damn are they cute. And oh, how I love elastic at my waist. I may never go back to regular clothes. I am not ready to wear them just yet-physically or emotionally- but they are my symbol of hope. And did I mention how much I love the comfy waists?

We won't even talk about how much puff and thickness seems to be adding to my midsection each day. I feel like I am walking around with a big neon arrow pointing at my belly that says "Look at ME, I am, unsuccessfully trying to hide the growing bump/bulge." It feels so obvious to me, although I am probably overreacting; but I am just not ready to "come out" to my work peeps yet and it just feels so big and out there.

I'll end on this note: I have mentioned it before, but My husband has fallen head over heels in love with this "kid" already- and it makes me love him so much more, it is just unfathomable. He has absolutely no reservations and loves this kid so much. He is constantly rubbing my belly, talking to it, and talking about it. I am in awe that there is not an ounce of fear, or reservation in him- he doesn't seem to guard his heart nor does he seem the least bit worried about becoming a father. To see him love like this, just adds to my peace that this was the right path to choose for our family. Damn, I love him all the more.

Today marks exactly 8 weeks. Next U/s on Thursday.

Confession

2011-03-18T11:48:00.000-07:00

Confession time-

I am pretty much a wreck. Thus the week long silence.

I thought that a heartbeat would be all I needed to see to let me breathe a bit easier. And it was so good for the soul.. but only for two days. Ever since then, I've been a complete mess.

I've logged on several times to blog, to try to get this out of my system, I even have several posts started but never finished. But just can't even bring myself to finish my thoughts. Cuz I don't know what I am feeling. And maybe in a self-sabotaging way I don't want to be comforted. Maybe I just want to feel miserable and wallow in it.

But that isn't working for me.

I am tired of being a wreck. I want to WANT to be around friends again. I want to WANT to talk to family on the phone and share in their excitement. I want to enjoy my job, even just a bit, and not dread the normal every day things in life. But instead, I am just a mess.

I feel guilty, guilty that I am not more in love yet with this kid. Guilty that I am not more grateful. Guilty that seeing a heart beat wasn't enough to calm my fears. I feel guilty that I am not stronger, that I can't just "get over this." I feel guilty for despising the horrible pregnancy symptoms and I feel guilty for not just enjoying the days I feel better. I feel guilty for complaining, I feel like I should only feel contentedness and joy. And I do- I want to feel that. My husband is so over the moon excited and in love with this "kid" and I am terrified, miserable, guilt-ridden, ornery, and physically and emotionally spent.

My symptoms have-- I don't know if faded is the right word- but they have changed. My girls were huge and heavy and sore and crazy sensitive- and now nothing. The feel deflated and don't hurt at all. And this scares me more than anything. I was feeling nauseous, really bad all day long- Now? I don't know. I can tell you I don't feel good, that is for sure, but it feels different. And it is freaking me out- and I just don't know if I feel how I am supposed to feel symptom wise. This just doesn't feel like the symptoms felt before. or how they are supposed to feel.

And I am so scared. And so tired- physically and emotionally. I have tried to talk reason to myself, to help calm my fears, but it isn't working. I long to find comfort in prayer, but feel so disconnected. And my normal distractions- my job, blogland, excersize, time with DH or friends- aren't bringing any comfort.

I am just plain spent. And scared. And overwhelmed with facing the news at the next u/s. It just feels like seeing the hb has upped the anty. The stakes are so much higher this time- cuz there is actually a beating heart, a living being in me. and I want it even more badly, but have not control over whether or not by body will kill it. And it is the most helpless feeling ever.

The Sac is definitely NOT empty

2011-03-11T18:32:00.000-08:00

Not only was the gestational sac not empty...... there was a beautiful little blob with a perfect heart beat, flickerin' away.

I am in utter disbelief. Joyous disbelief.

The little blob was measuring right on track at 6wk3days (which is exactly what I am today). Heartbeat beating at 124bpm (they just want to see it at 100 or more).

I can't believe this is really happening.

Here is the day in details because regardless what lies ahead, I never want to forget (warning- this is long):
Not surprisingly I was so nervous all day. I slept alright last night, better than expected, but I couldn't focus at all today at work. The u/s was scheduled for 2:30pm. I planned in advance to take 1/2 the day off from work and leave at 12noon. That was the best decision ever. There is no way I could be productive at work today. And I enjoyed just being home with the husband, wasting time for a bit until we were to leave for the clinic. I showered, caught up on FB, and ate a bit to keep the lingering nausea at bay.

I could tell that DH was nervous. We were a bit snappy with each other at times. And he, while usually a talker, was nearly silent the whole drive to the doctors. I was a bit surprised by his nervousness. Looking back, I am not sure why I thought only I was nervous, but DH is much more of a go with the flow. He doesn't usually get nervous about this sort of stuff in advance, he just takes things as they come. But he was nervous too. Which brought me some relief and made me more nervous all at the same time.

We got to the clinic and barely waited a couple of minutes before they brought us back. I was nervous. I felt like the black u/s screens on the walls just were taunting me as we waited for the doc to come in. I just wanted it to be over with, but I also wanted the doctor to never come in the room. The wait was a bit long once we were in the room. Maybe only 15 minutes, but it dragged by. The doctor and nurse came in, and they both were so sweet. I don't think I had met this doctor before, but the nurse had done our injection training and she genuinely looked excited for us and glad to see us, which was sweet.

The doc asked how we were and I said I was really nervous, and she very gently tapped my leg and said it was normal and just to breathe. DH then chimed in (and I am SO glad he did) and said that we've been here before but with only bad news. I'm not sure the doctor new of our 2 miscarriages. And I felt like that just set up the doc to be even more gentle with us.

She had me lay back, in went the wand, and even as she was just getting settled in there, I saw a couple quick peaks of the black sac. And I was pretty sure I saw a blob. I didn't trust what I was seeing, but I quickly squeezed Dh's hand as I swore I saw the blob a couple of times as the wand briefly scanned back and forth. This all transpired in just a few seconds and then the doctor said, before even zeroing in, said "I see a heartbeat." DH quickly asked, in a total daze, "You said you DID see a heartbeat?" "Yes," she said, "there is a hb. I am going to take some more measurements but I didn't want you to wait any longer to know." DH said he could see the hb, but I was struggling to see much of anything at first. She continued to talked through her measurements as she took them, but I think I was holding my breath through it all until she got to the last measurement which with the crown to rump length- that showed it measuring exactly on track. She said "Looks like it is measuring about 6 1/2 weeks? Is that about right?" I, struggling to find my voice through tears said "I'm 6 wks 3 days today." The nurse and the doctor both sweetly chuckled and said, "well then, you are measuring right on track." Then she had me hold my breath while she measured the hb. And when I saw 124 show up on the screen, more tears started falling. Before she even said it, I know that all it needed to be was 100 bpm. I didn't want to turn my eyes away from the screen, but I also wanted to make eye contact with DH who was sitting just behind my head. I turned a couple of times, but he was also enthralled with the screen. He just kept squeezing my hand, and I could feel his body gently shaking as the quiet tears of relief released from him. "Wifey...." he whispered, without finishing the sentence. All he could do was squeeze my hand and whisper, "Wifey...".

It was all perfect. Not only for the good news, but just the whole experience. It was my first Ob u/s at the infertility clinic. My other ultrasounds with my first two miscarriages were at different OB clinics and done by u/s techs not by the OB. And at the time I found those u/s SO dehumanizing, and pretty traumatic. And I just thought that it was because the news was bad, confirming an empty sac. But I feel like this u/s experience redeemed those previous traumatic u/s and both confirmed that indeed the techs before completely lacked any personality, let alone compassion. I didn't realize today how horrible, horrible of experiences those two u/s were in retrospect. And today, TODAY, is how a doctor or an u/s tech should treat a patient. Today I was able to see how is should be done.

When she was done with the exam, she reiterated that everything looks perfect. I think she said the disbelief on our faces. She asked if I had an OB yet, which I don't quite yet, even though we are working on it. She went on to say, well given you have had a tough road leading up to this pregnancy, let's give you a reassurance scan. She said I could schedule in a week or two weeks, whatever I preferred, just to bridge the gap. more tears fell as I told her I LOVED her. She laughed and so did the nurse. (My nurse had originally said that if they saw a healthy hb, that I would graduate and be done which I didn't like the sound of at all, so this was good news!)

DH and I took a few silly photos in the exam room after the doctor left the room. We hugged and just cried and laughed and held each other, me still sitting on the table with the paper sheet covering my lady parts.

We checked ourselves out, and proceeded to run some errands- which was just the icing on the cake. Every other OB u/s in the past left us devastated and numb. Today was joyous and we were able to go on with our day as normal, but a new glorious normal. It was just perfect to do normal every day things. We got the car washed, stopped and go some take out dinner, both had back to back chiropractic appointments (which felt fab for my aching stressed out body). And now we are home, eating take out in bed, and watching our usual Friday evening show on tv.

And for the first time ever, I really am believing there are three of us in this bed, not just DH and I.

Hang on in there kiddo. We are over the moon in awe of your little life and want so badly to hold you some day in our arms. Hang on tight in there and grow big and strong. We'll do our best to be ready for you. Love ma and pa.

Be not afraid

2011-03-10T20:37:00.000-08:00

My faith as been a constant throughout my life....BUT I have wrestled with it every single step of the way. I don't "get" it. And I don't know what I mean by that. I don't know what it would look or feel like if I "got" it. But I know that the amount that I have wrestled is unsettling to me. I would much rather be one of those type of people who appears to have a peace about them, that they are unwavering in who they are, what they believe, and Who they belong to.

But I don't. And this infertility and RPL journey has shook, and at times seemingly ripped apart, what was left of my flailing little dinghy of a boat called faith. And I have felt like I have been left with a few boards, adrift at sea.

Where I get stuck is the "why" questions? Why me? Why us? Why this? Why now? Why, Lord?

And I know there isn't an answer for why. I know. Buy in my human frailness, I want to know the mind of God. I want to understand a God who I believe can work miracles. Who will work miracles. I want to believe in a God that is not an evil puppeteer that causes miscarriages, still births, and infants to leave this earth in the middle of the night. Cuz I don't believe in a God that wills evil to happen. And yet it is so hard then to believe in a God that masterminds the good in life, while he idly watches the darkness swallow up so many of his beloved children. His children who desire good in life, who only want to selflessly grow a family, and give back in the world. And they are swallowed up by the evil that can not ever explained by the "Why" question.

There has been healing recently in which I feel like God has slowly softened my hard exterior and let the peace seep in- the peace that assures me that the God I know is never idle when his people suffer. A God that continues to redirect me to glimpse something bigger than myself, even when I get stuck in the "why"s.

But, this path to peace has been muddy, circular, and more constant wrestling, while at the same time not being able to walk away from it completely.

And I wish I could say that I have a peace that has completely filled me about my u/s tomorrow. I wish I could say that I have total faith in a God that works miracles. But I struggle to believe in that as fully as I would like.

But I will say, that there is a trickle, a teeny tiny trickle if peace that is beckoning me to at least have faith in a God that will never leave me or forsake me. I wish it was something I felt like I could shout in confidence from the mountain top, but a teeny tiny trickle of confidence is all that is there. But I know that is enough.

This peace has come in a quiet way, as I have been gently reminded of these words:

Be not afraid, whatever may come.

I am the Lord your God.

I pray Lord that those words be on my lips in joy or in sorrow tomorrow.

That is all I know how to pray right now. But I am going to trust that is enough.

6 wks

2011-03-08T06:25:00.000-08:00

Today is the 6 week mark. Only three more sleeps until u/s day....

A few things I am grateful for.

2011-03-06T10:46:00.000-08:00

I'll be honest that most of my energy these days is spent worrying. Worrying about the outcome, worrying when I do feel symptoms, worrying when I don't and on and on. And I know that even if we get good news at the u/s on Friday, I will still find more things to worry about. I don't WANT to worry, but it is hard not too.

In the midst of the worry though, there is some joy and gratitude that lightens my spirit and reminds me of what really matters:

My husband- I just can't say enough. Where as I feel like I am still guarding my heard, he has fallen in love with this child head over heals. He thinks and talks about it all the time. He puts his face to my belly and over and over says "We love you lil' one, we love you so much. Hang on tight in there." I cringe at times as he gushes, just afraid to love this baby as unabashedly as he does when the grief of loss is still so fresh. But it also makes me love DH all the more that all walls are down with him.

No cramping- Things have really settled down down in my nether regions and I am not having menstrual type cramps anymore. Who knows what that means, but it has helped to put my mind at ease, being it just feels like it is settled in and not so fragile in my pelvic region. Hard to explain, but I've been grateful for that.

No spotting- I am 5wk5days and no spotting at all yet. I know spotting is normal and can be quite common, especially with using prom.etrium. But it would understandably freak me out. But I am so relieved everyday that goes by that there isn't a single drop of red, or pink, or brown.

Desire- I wrote earlier about our Meet&Greet with one of the midwives clinics we are considering. I just felt like during their presentation, talking about birth and babies and bringing a baby home, I just was overcome with the feeling of wanting this SO badly. I think what surprised me about that was that I don't feel that desire that frequently anymore. Years of loss and heartbreak and disappointment and I just have put a lid on the strong desire, that longing to carry a baby and be a mother. It hurt to bad to long for it, when the chances of it actually happening seemed so so slim. And that feeling came back to me for a moment sitting at the midwives office- and it felt so good to remember how much I want this.

U/S countdown: 1 week from today

2011-03-04T19:17:00.000-08:00

Thanks for all of your input into my dilemma about when to have the u/s. I appreciated all the perspectives. After going back and forth (many many times) I decided to leave it as is- the big day is one week from today, I will be 6wk3days. I don't even know what to think about that. That is probably a post for another time. Because to be honest- I don't think I am emotionally ready to think about it quite yet, let alone write about it. I SO want that day to come and yet at the same time I never want it to come. We have only ever had bad news at OB u/s. We have only ever seen that awful, empty black sac. Empty. Friday, just 1 week, is decision day.

On the symptom front, yesterday was the first day I can say I felt pregnant all day long - I was nauseous like crazy, exhausted, belly was so bloated by the end of the day, the girls hurt like mad and felt like huge watermelons. It's a bit rough, but it brings me relief- it makes me feel like I am contributing to the process by putting up with all those symptoms. And it gives me hope that all might be okay.

I did some looking at my old blogging and my journal I kept (Before I started blogging, which btw I have been blogging here now for 2 years, crazy) and I realized that with both of my miscarriages the pregnancy symptoms - mostly exhaustion, sore/big girls, and nauseousness- didn't start until right at 6 weeks and faded mid way through the 7 week. I thought that I had started feeling pregnant much earlier, so it was interesting to confirm that my symptoms last time started later in the pregnancy than I recalled.

Today was a milder day symptom wise, but the symptoms were still lingering. And the "hit by a semi-truck" exhaustion is undeniable. I have crawled into bed before 7pm multiple times this week. Tomorrow is the first day in AGES that I can sleep as long as I want and I am so so looking forward to it.

Weekend.
One full work week.
u/s.

Deep breath.

Meddling with Midwives

2011-03-02T21:51:00.000-08:00

I did something almost unthinkable today.

DH and I attended a meet & greet at one of the midwives practices we are considering.

Crazy. Surreal. Perfect. Crazy.

I sat through the hour long presentation with three other newly pregnant couples and my head was spinning with thoughts. Forewarning- this is an honest look into the thoughts that circled through my head, no guarantee this is pretty:

"I can't believe I'm pregnant. I can't believe I am interviewing midwives."

"I am a fake. A total fraud. I don't deserve to be here."

"I wonder if they can tell...I wonder if the other women can tell that I have had two miscarriages. I wonder if they can tell I did IVF, that I'm not like the rest of them."

"Oh, I pray I am not jinxing myself by being here. Cart before the horse. I totally should have waited until i knew if it this one was viable before I contemplated, you know, actually making plans or GIVING BIRTH."

"I can't believe I am here. I love these midwives. I love everything about this place."

"I am in love with this child. I want the chance to carry and birth my child. I want this so badly."

All in all it was a great meet and greet. We are going to one other meet and greet in a couple of weeks with another practice, but my gut says we'll use this first group. I will be honest- it was really hard. Hard to make the initial phone call. Hard to actually sign up to go. But I take seriously my decision of who will help us deliver our baby, and I don't want to be rushed in deciding. And I keep telling myself that if this one doesn't stick, we will try again- we will need a midwife eventually. So, this won't be wasted effort. But for today is was an attempt to step forward with hope, rather than being paralyzed by fear.

Symptom Watch

2011-03-01T07:00:00.000-08:00

Noting symptoms is an interesting process when pregnancy falls on the heels of IVF. Because it is near impossible to determine what is causing or caused the symptoms: Umpteen injections of hormones? HCG levels rising? Being relatively sedentary for weeks now (months)? Who knows- but for what it is worth, here is my observations:

(Updated to add- I have been writing this post over the past couple of days and of course the first trimester gods are conspiring to mess with me- because today? Today I have had almost NO FRICKIN' SYMPTOMS. And I am remembering I hate this roller coaster. There is just nothing, absolutely nothing that can tell me this is going to be okay. So, I am trying to breathe....)

Here we go-

Short Fuse- OMG! Everyone and Everything annoys me. Seriously - EVERYTHING! I can't even stand to be around myself. And I get frustrated with the simplest things- all problem solving ability has gone out the window. Ugg.

Dry skin- I want to take a bath in a tub of lotion. I feel like a reptile.

Food and Nausea- my relationship with food is interesting. The immense hunger I feel at times is unreal. And it comes out of no where. Similarly there are times when I have absolute zero interest in food or drink. The other dilemma though is that when I am nauseous it feels like I just need to eat a little. But then I eat a little and I just feel more nauseous. My cravings also come and go quickly. I will have an intense craving for something and by the time I get it out of the fridge and heat it up it smells revolting. I remember cravings from my other pregnancies and I still find it amazing that a little hcg in my bloodstream and I crave foods I don't even like! (But, like I said before- then today I was almost totally fine with food).

The Girls- The girls aren't growing yet like I remember from before. Maybe it is too early (I remember them getting huge fast in the other pregnancies but maybe I am mistaken). They are just a little sore, but the nips are very very sensitive. Again- I find this all crazy strange.

Achiness in my nether region- Shortly after I got a positive test my ovaries started flaring up again. They had gotten big and tender and achy after the ER, and just as they started calming down a bit they flared up again. It felt like there was a wrestling match going on in me. Finally in the past few days I no longer feel like I have been punched over and over in the gut and it feels like my ovaries are starting to settle back into their normal position in there, whatever that means. Occasionally I get some cramping, menstrual type cramping, particularly in my lower back. And it freaks me out a bit. Thankfully it never lasts long. And it seems to be happening less and less.

Dreams- I am usually not a dreamer. But I am dreaming all the time. So far they all seem silly and not really very meaningful, but they are constant and vivid. I also am not sleeping entirely well. I wake up for no reason around 3am every night and feel like I have a harder time getting and staying a sleep. DH has already moved into the guest room because I am such a bear to be around (Refer back to "Short Fuse")

Tiredness- I am tired. Bed time is earlier and earlier, but the semi-ran-over-me exhaustion I remember from before hasn't yet hit me.

Bloated- Especially by the end of the day I am bloaty. It makes me sad how much pudge there is down there and I can't decipher between weight gain from life or what is just pregnancy puffiness. But it is not going to be hideable for long.

U/S Dillema: Advice Needed

2011-02-26T18:07:00.000-08:00

My clinic's standard protocol is to do the first u/s at 7 weeks. On my IVF calendar it says if you get pregnant to schedule the u/s at 7 weeks. And my nurse gave me those instructions too on the phone when she called with my doubling HCG. But when she transferred me to the receptionist, the receptionist asked me what day I wanted to u/s and left it wide open to pick any day. So of course, as a RPLer I picked a date EARLIER than 7 weeks.

But this is my dilemma: When do I want my first u/s? And will my clinic care when I show up on my u/s and they realize it is earlier than 7 weeks?

I scheduled it for 6 weeks 3 days. (Help me with my math: If my ER was on 2/8 and my u/s is scheduled for 3/11, that is 6 wks 3 days, yes?)

I scheduled it early for several reasons:
With a history of two blighted ovums, the thought of waiting all the way until 7 weeks is torture. Also, because of the weekend, my options, if I wanted it early, were having it on 6wk3days or 6wk6days (I didn't even consider earlier than 6wk3days). And I like the idea of knowing something before the weekend.

The down side is of course what if it too early to see a heartbeat. Having had two miscarriages in which we never even saw a fetal pole, my head tells me that I would find some comfort at least in seeing a fetal pole measuring on track even if the hb isn't visible yet. And if it is another blighted ovum (ugg, that is hard to even fathom) well at 6wk3days we see another empty sac and we'd know our fate, especially given there is no question of when conception occurred (unlike my other 2 natural cycles). But I could always suck it up and wait until 6wk6days and I'd have a more definite answer. But then the other side of me argues that I have seen plenty of people see a heartbeat early into 6wks and so 6wk3day shouldn't be too early.

And then the side of me that is a rule follower feels deceptive having scheduled so early when the instructions were to come in at 7wks. But the other side of me says screw rules, this has been a tough road and I should be able to ask for what I want and need. But is an earlier u/s what I want?

GRrrrrr- and I end up just going round and round in my head like that.

Right now I am scheduled for 3/11 at 6wk3day. I need to decide if I should reschedule it after the weekend and push it out to 6wk6days (or, gulp, even later).

Help?

Double, baby, Double.

2011-02-25T18:59:00.000-08:00

(*First, I just want to speak from the heart and say to any readers who find it hard to read any of my recent posts (or posts to come) that may contain the "p" word, or posts in which I am ecstatic with good news, know that I never ever intend to be hurtful or insensitive to other readers who may not be in a good place right now. I said it in this post and I'll say it again "My heart feels like it is pushed to the max at the depth and breadth of loss and joy that exists simultaneously in this community. It is rarely anything in between. The losses of life, of innocence, and of hope are brutal. And the joys- of new life and of hope anew are beyond our wildest dreams." And I am very aware of that tension with every post I write. I hope that in being real in my writing I don't unintentionally cause hurt to others. And I totally get if you ever need to step away. Truly.)

***************************************************
Waiting for the nurse to call today almost KILLED me. My blood work was at 745am this morning. And on Wednesday, I had my bw at the same time and the nurse called at 12:30pm. So I had it in my head she would call in a similar timeframe. But NO, she didn't call until 3pm. I was so completely unproductive at work. I had convinced myself that the news was bad or something freaky happened and she was having to wait on the doctor to find out what to do with me. I envisioned SO many crazy things in that several fretful hours of waiting. I really wanted to call and bug her, but the side of me that insists on being the "good" patient, the "low-maintenance" patient won out and I refrained (this time) from calling.

And, oh, it was worth the wait.

358.

Doubling time of 41 hours (if I used the online calculator correctly). Up from 162 on Wednesday (yes, this time I remembered to write it down when she called, but I still had to ask three times because I was barely keeping my head on straight.

Oh my! Oh my! Oh my!

And I feel hopeful, people. HOPEFUL! I didn't think it was possible to hope again. But somewhere, somehow it has crept in, and for today I am hopeful, calm, and feeling like I have what it takes to make it through this next very long wait until the u/s.

Oh, I hope so.

Beta Day (Updated with numbers)

2011-02-23T17:59:00.000-08:00

***********************************************
Update

Nurse called today 12:30pm. Said, "I have good news for you" Oh that was music to my ears. Beta level is 160 something. Holy crapola! Now I don't know much but from what I can tell that is a REASSURING NUMBER if I ever heard one!! She said they just want to see above 50. I'll admit I stopped listening after I heard 100, so it could have been 150 something, but I think she said 160 something. I'll have to email her to confirm and from now on start listening better when she calls. I am truly in shock.

I LOVE all of you. You comments have been the best. You crack me up though as collectively you all have even less patience than my mother! I could read your comments from work but I can't post anything- so all day I saw you all pleading for me to post a number and there was nothing I could do. But it sure did keep me entertained all day long. All my love to all of you!

For post earlier today, click here

Beta Day

2011-02-23T05:38:00.000-08:00

I took a break from pee sticks yesterday. I needed to clear my head and not think about it for a day. I needed to lessen my chance of another less than certain answer.

Today is Beta day. I go in to check my HCG levels early this morning, 10dp5dt. But I needed to prepare myself a little bit, to cushion the nurse's phone call later today. I wanted to know something, anything, in the privacy of my own home.

So I peed on a stick again this morning.

It was 4:30am. I couldn't sleep.

There was no tilting, squinting, bright lights needed today.

It was most definitely NOT Negative.

Fine Print: My head is racing and oddly calm all at the same time. I am grateful but also scared out of my mind. I am optimistic but also already planning for the worst. I am absolutely in love with this bundle of cells but also completely emotionally unattached.

I guess this is how it goes in the world of multiple miscarriages and three years of unfulfilled hopes. So for today, cautious celebration is much as I can muster as we wait out this very long next several days, weeks. Cautious Celebration. Definite answers as to how this story will unfold will only come over a very long time. This much I have learned.

When an answer isn't an answer- 8dp5dt

2011-02-21T10:56:00.000-08:00

I POAS early this morning- today is 8dp5dt. And I don't even know what to report. It wasn't negative. I can say that much. I know the stark whiteness of a BFN. It wasn't negative.

But I can't say it was positive either. There needs to be a category for somewhere in between. Instead of BFN and BFP, we need to add BFM- Big Fat Maybe. Or BFW- Big Fat Who-the-Heck-Knows. Or BFH- Big Fat Hallucination.

A very very very faint line did appear- but it definitely took its time in appearing. Seriously, it is just a joke of a faint line. And I had to look at it 10 different times to make sure I wasn't imagining it. Nothing about it is reassuring. Nothing.

This can't be a good sign for it to be this faint at this many days past transfer. My guess is chemical pregnancy. I had a little crying fit this morning and now I am just numb. It is a reminder that this is just how this journey goes- you never really know anything. Answers only come over time.

So I wait- wait to see what the bloodwork shows on Wednesday. I know that HCG is doubling fast at this point, I know it could have just been a late implanter, I know it is still a bit early, I know that a positive HPT is a positive. I know all of that. But still. Grr....

We'll see what Wednesday tell us. And if there is any HCG in my blood by then, then I wait again to see if it doubles. And then more waiting.

At the moment I am doing okay. I am starting to set goals in case this is negative- goals to get back in the gym, goals to get my taxes done, things that can keep my mind occupied until our next cycle. And that is bringing me some comfort. And I guess I have to admit that a BFM(aybe) is still better than a BFN at this point. But...grrr... it is cause for pulling hair out. I thought if I waited until today I would be in the safe zone of getting a more confident test result from an HPT.

Grrr..

Despair creeps in where it can

2011-02-19T20:06:00.000-08:00

Random conversation with DH yesterday:

ME: How amazing is it that HCG is ONLY created by the body while pregnant! You think of all the many hormones in the body that have dual purposes, but HCG is only created when pregnant. I wonder who ever figured out that you could test for it in the urine. Seems like such a random discovery!

DH: Probably the same person who first came across an artichoke in the wild and guessed it was edible.

I think we are starting to lose our minds in this household.

****************************************************

In reading the many many blog stories over the years, I noticed that it is very common at some point in the 2ww to hit a wall where hope flies out the window. I often read stories of women who sail along, hanging on to optimism, and then wham- they'll post a blog in total desperation convinced (without reason yet to be) that the cycle has failed.

I've made a mental note for this in preparation for this cycle. Knowing this might be the case. But this mental note in my head isn't helping my heart out at all.

I am starting to dip into some despair. Desperate for this to work but scared to death that is hasn't. Just two days ago I was so proud of myself for feeling like even if this is a BFN, I trusted I'd be able to keep my chin up and move on to try again. Now my racing mind has me on the verge of being a basket case.

Just days ago cramping felt like a good sign, now any little twinge is convincing me AF is making itself ready. Just days ago I was cursing OHSS and begging for relief, and now (after just one day of feeling much better) I am convinced that I am not pregnant (as pregnancy exacerbates OHSS symptoms).

DH on the other hand is so beyond giddy, he can't contain himself. I am grateful one of is. It helps a bit, but I also find myself wanting to protect him from disappointment. We have been down this road before and it has never ended good.

I know I need to step away from Google for a while. I always THINK that Googling every little fear and worry will bring me some comfort, but it never really does. Bottom line, I want to know if this cycle will bring home a real live baby and the reality is that there is no amount of googling that can tell me that. So for the next 48 hours I am banning myself from google and hoping I can find my zen spot, trusting that regardless of what is to come, I am going to be okay.