It is in the dying that life is created

January 24, 2009

I have been reflecting (and relearning) a lot lately on how the universe will give us the lessons we need for that moment. And I think back to losing PS. There are so many “deadlines” I had artificially created, that some how if as long as I was pregnant again by x date, all would be right in the world…..little did I know…… But somehow, through all of this, I am grateful for each death.

Oh, how I longed to be pregnant again by what would have been PS’s due date.

And my period came. And I grieved deeply, but I survived.

Oh how I longed to be pregnant again by the time my little sister had her baby.

And my period came again. I took a deep breath and survived.

Oh how I longed to be pregnant by the time I held my new niece in my arms.

And my period came once again. And I died a bit, and survived.

Oh how I longed to wrap my grown "daughter" Yolle in my arms and keep her my little girl forever. And she shared the news she is with child.

And my period came. And I breathed a bit deeper.

Oh how I longed to be pregnant by the anniversary of PS’s conception…and so I wait….

All of these experiences are part of what I need to die to myself, so that I can live.

It is in the dying that life is created.

Life, give me breath.

Peace in the new year

January 6, 2009

So I write… cuz I don’t know what else to do.

Peace.

That is what I want this year. I do not have the energy to keep hoping. I do not have the energy to ask for more hope. I ask only for peace.

I don’t know what hope looks like. Or feels like. Or even means. But I know peace. That is what I ask. That you I might soften and open and have peace stir up in me- peace.

Peace that I am worthy of all good that comes my way in the universe. Peace that it will not always look how I want it to. peace to know that that in itself is a good thing. Peace in knowing I am not a failure. Peace in knowing that I can be content with however my life looks.

But, oh, how I doubt...

But there is not other option- cuz I don’t like living how I am right now-

I need to stop wrestling

Unexplained Grief

December 12, 2008

Time Heals

Or so they say

So why does it hurt even deeper?

Why am I even more raw now than I was 8 months ago?

Why does it hurt so much today?

It is not an anniversary, it is not the first day of yet another period,

I probably don’t want to admit what it is

My baby sister had her first baby.

I hear the squeaks of a new born baby- my neice, - in the background on the phone while talking to my mom, and the grief stabs so deeply, I have to choke back the emotions. Joy flows through the phone from the other end as I hear my mom content as can be while cradling her new granddaughter. And I am reminded what we lost…………

Where does this path lead?

November 29, 2008

Having trouble getting out of bed today.
Feeling a little ho hum.

Could be several things..

My period is coming. I was really hopeful this month. I know there is a plan for my life, but the unknowns are killing me. (tears flowing….) Sigh. I know, I need to let it go, but oh, the heart still throbs with a bit of heartache. Of what would of, should have been. On how I failed to keep PS safe. On how I am failing to create life once again. (more tears….)

The economy is scary. I truly am pep talking myself into believing it will all work out. But it is scary. My job, DH’s job- is tenuous at best. And currently I have taken on more jobs than I a can handle. What have I done? What am I doing? Where does this path lead? Do I have the courage to follow?

i'm stamping my feet and pouting

October 5, 2008

6 months ago I was waiting for my scheduled D&C.

I want to pout. I want to stamp my feet how unfair it is.

August 29, 2008

Anger today

I could feel it brewing all day long.

Three pregnancy tests in the last week- of course all negative. And still no damn period. Day 34 and no sign of it.

Sigh..

Why the anger? I don’t know- maybe there three blaring negatives brewed it inside of me. Maybe because with three negatives and Day 34 it seems certain I’m not pregnant. But then again- damn, just flow already. Stop making me agonize.

I’m angry at what SHOULD be. I wanted PS. I want THAT first pregnancy damn it. Why should I have to wait? And yet I know that I need to not cling, not grasp- I need to let go.

DH put in our wedding video footage today- just on accident not knowing what tape it was. I covered my ears and eyes. The only reason I could figure is that I am angry at the reminder of how long its been since we’ve been married and that we don’t have a baby yet. I’m ready damnit.

So angry

Then my friend "D" instant messaged me with the words "April 1st." I knew exactly what he meant. Cuz I have all my possible due dates memorized. If, IF IF IF, it had been this cycle, we’d be May 1st. they are expecting their second child April 1st.

So Angry

I did find that my reaction to "D" was joy for him. I don’t feel angry at him or others- but I simultaneously feel split in two.

Why me

Its not how it was supposed to be. Its not fair. Its not what I wanted.

And I don’t want to wait

At all

I don’t want to give up control and frickin' trust the universe

I want to make it happen

It seemed to happen so easily before

I can’t help but feel punished


The grief isn’t suppose to hurt so bad this long after


But its getting worse

On the minute chance I could be pregnant- I feel like I am ruining it in that I don’t trust, I don’t believe, I am not present in the moment


Sucks

Just Sucks

What do we really ever "know"?

July 25, 2008

Oh, Mr. Period. How I wait for you. PS, I feel different about you now. Like I am ready to move on but yet that I am not ready to replace you. Will you be coming back to me? Or did I only know you for that moment. Those weeks you were inside of me.

I wait. It is day 30 today of my cycle. I have 3 days more to wait until I will know.

I say that like in 3 days I will “know.”

But here’s the thing “self’ that I am so quick to forget. Knowing something is temporary. Knowing is a choice. I only can “know’ so much. If I take a pregnancy test and “know” I am, then I will want to “know” that I won’t lose you. Then I will want to “know” I will make it to the 2nd trimester, and the third, and that you will be healthy and thrive …and I want to “know” all of this.

I trick myself into believing that if I just can “know’ for sure today by POAS if I am pregnant, that all will be well with my soul. But that isn’t true. I will just want to “know” more. . and more and more…..

So today, I let go of my desire to know because my desire to “know” is truly my desire to be in control. And that I am not. I am not in control.