The question

The question came earlier then I was expecting. Then again, I went to my first doctor's appointment since the d&c earlier than I had expected.

"Will you try again?"

How does one answer that question? I don't even know where to begin. Sigh... I promised myself from the time I found out that I had miscarried, that I would give myself as much time as I needed to answer that question. But the question was asked, so I am digesting it now.

When I was in the midst of the miscarriage, the dark cloud suffocating me, I said to myself there is no way I can survive this a third time. Even before I knew I had miscarried, while I was in what I call the 8 week wait (waiting for the first ultrasound), the waiting was such torture that I told myself I couldn't go through this again.

But..

How do I give this up? How does one decide that its time to stop? I just don't know.

Today I won't decide. But the decision will have to be made, I hope I know when I am ready to make it......

2nd D&C and an anniversay

The d&c was yesterday. This is not new territory for me unfortunately, this was my second d&C.

Today is the one year anniversary of finding out that my first pregnancy was a miscarriage.

This is not how I thought life would look.

Today, I am feeling okay surprisingly- psychically and emotionally, at least I think I am feeling fine. But I know now from experience that grief seems to rear its head at unexpected times and in unexpected ways.

Today, I imagine I am mostly grateful to have the d&c behind me, and no longer be in that kind of limbo. But a new limbo sets in. Answering "what next?" is daunting. Paralysis sets in if I even let my mind wander there.

I don't know what next....

I have no energy right now to try to get pregnant again. The waiting is brutal. And I feel that is all I have been doing for the past year. Waiting for period to start, waiting and guessing about peak ovulating time for timing sex, waiting to POAS, waiting for first sign of pregnancy symptoms, waiting for the first ultrasound, and then waiting for the miscarriage to come.

It is also hard to have energy when I don't have any answers? Why two miscarriages? Fluke? Underlying problem?

Adoption is a part of our journey as well. But even that, I just feel plain tired. I need time. i need to find some peace in my soul first before I can continue pushing paperwork.

And to be honest, I want to reclaim my body again. I have gained at least 10 pounds (half just before I got pregnant and half since I got pregnant). I stopped exercising regularly in December. I want to feel healthy again. And yet that could take a while.... and I just don't feel like I have a while to wait.

And so it goes, once again I am reminded how little control I have in the detours of life. Not sure what this road will look like........... I am tired of the bumps, though. that is for sure.

(Story From the beginning)

There is so little I understand...

Ultrasound today revealed an empty sac.

And so it goes.....

Symptoms have faded

No symptoms today.
Breasts aren’t sore.
I feel deflated.

I pray it is alright

Is this when I am to learn surrender?

Patience

Your will

Sigh…

I am scared, crabby, scared, tired.

Struggling to hope

February 22, 2009

I have been struggling with hope

I even googled it-
What does it mean to have hope?
Am I called to hope? And to hope in what?

I feel like it is naïve to have hope that a bambino will result from this pregnancy.

And as I wrestled with this, I came to this centered place.

I hope that God is glorified in this journey, what ever that may be

I hope that God is glorified in his breaking me to his will

I hope that God is glorified in the patient surrender I practice each day along this journey and the many more that are to come

I hope that God is glorified in our desire to create life together out of the abundant love he has given us.

I hope….

Reliving my first miscarriage all over again

February 8, 2009

I see blood streaming from me when I shower. I know I am just imagining it- rather- I am reliving it.

The fear is real today. The peace I had felt isn’t as real today.

Its weird, but its like I am afraid of GOING THROUGH the miscarriage again, but not afraid of the miscarriage.

Be still and know that I am God

Disbeleif, joy, glee, fear, and disbelief all at once

February 4, 2009

I keep looking at it. Over and over and over. I can’t stop. I am overcome with disbelief, joy, glee, fear and disbelief all at the same time.

I keep looking at it. Do I think it will disappear if I stop looking?

My prayer is that every day I offer up my gratitude that my body knows what it is doing. And I will trust, whatever that means.

I surrender to you universe. I am on a journey, that I can not will or force into submission. It will be what it will be, and I will learn whatever I can from it.

Peeing on a stick has now changed my life twice- one in feb. 09 and last year in feb. 08.