A thought crossed my mind last week that I can honestly stay I have never thought before.
I have always considered growing our family through pregnancy, adoption, foster parenting. Lots of paths were and are being considered. But until last week, it had never crossed my mind the idea of never having kids....
Just me and husband.
Last week, it was added to the options-
Multiple choice question:
a) get pregnant
b) adopt/foster
c) just me and husband for life
My heart is sad just even typing that. You see, I came to the place by this past weekend, that option c was eliminated.
Before this past week, it had never crosses my mind. I got to wondering why now, what prompted the refection of this new option for the first time. Well, I don't know for sure, but I think it had to do with my two doctor appts- my Ob/gyn and my naturopath. They are health care providers I trust, have a good relationship with, and generally like. Furthermore I consider(ed?) them well rounded grounded people. And yikes! I can't believe the conversations I had with them about adoption. Trust me, I know adoption is not with out risk and challenges. (either is IVF, pregnancy, birth, life in general). My husband is adopted, as are my two sisters. And you know what? Bottom line- I wouldn't have it any other way. I VALUE THE GIFT THAT ADOPTION IS AND HAS BEEN IN MY LIFE AND IN MY FAMILY. I will not let two doctors with grossly misinformed ideas sway me to consider not taking ANY risks in growing our family.
I have never sought out the "easy" route in life. Life is risk, challenge, joy and heartache. But after a second d&c, two doctors lecturing on the "baggage" that comes with adopted kids, I longed for "easy." I wanted a safe, comfortable path to parenting. I wanted answers. I wanted to not have to trust in a power greater than I.
but it is not happening- no matter which path we choose (or are led on). It will not be neatly packaged in a box. And I am okay with that. And every morning when I wake up next to my husband, I am reminded of this truth. We were "just friends" for many years before our first date. And even our journey from dating, to engaged, to marriage was very slow. We were afraid to jump. We were afraid of what our 18 year age difference would mean. What others would think. What would happen in the future. But today as we approach our 4 year wedding anniversary, there is not a day that doesn't go by that I don't smile and gently chuckle at the fear that almost kept us from taking the leap. Cuz frankly, it has been the best leap of faith I have ever experienced. And nothing about it has been packaged neatly in a box.
my prayer is that I trust enough to leap again...
I WILL be a parent, and it will be beautiful.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Weighing on me
Disclaimer: Everything about this post is just pure whining. There is now way around it.
During the two months just before I got pregnant, I had taken a break from trying to lose weight. I had been following Weight Watchers for 16 weeks and only managed to lose 3 pounds. I started to believe that it was a hormone imbalance or something, because by exercising and eating well there is NO way that the weight shouldn't come off. But only 3 frickin' pounds later, i was discouraged. I took a break and gained about 4 pounds. i really didn't care- It was far less stressful, and I just need a break. And then I got pregnant and gained literally 5 pounds overnight. And the weight stuck. I can't even begin to say how discouraged I am. AND UNCOMFORTABLE. I feel bloaty and big and like a saugsage stuffed in my clothes. I HATE IT SO MUCH. Just another reminder of what was supposed to be. I have lost hope that it will ever come off.
I just want to crawl up in a ball in my sweat pants and bawl my eyes out.
Feels a bit better to type it out. I so need to get over my whining.
During the two months just before I got pregnant, I had taken a break from trying to lose weight. I had been following Weight Watchers for 16 weeks and only managed to lose 3 pounds. I started to believe that it was a hormone imbalance or something, because by exercising and eating well there is NO way that the weight shouldn't come off. But only 3 frickin' pounds later, i was discouraged. I took a break and gained about 4 pounds. i really didn't care- It was far less stressful, and I just need a break. And then I got pregnant and gained literally 5 pounds overnight. And the weight stuck. I can't even begin to say how discouraged I am. AND UNCOMFORTABLE. I feel bloaty and big and like a saugsage stuffed in my clothes. I HATE IT SO MUCH. Just another reminder of what was supposed to be. I have lost hope that it will ever come off.
I just want to crawl up in a ball in my sweat pants and bawl my eyes out.
Feels a bit better to type it out. I so need to get over my whining.
Grief sucks
Anger and Avoidance
That is entirely what my week of grief has looked like. I am subtly aware that this go-around I am avoiding feeling the pain of sadness- so instead I have been either bitter and angry or avoiding feeling anything by throwing myself into to-do lists a mile long. I have planned out my life in the coming months within an inch of my life.
But it only helps a bit. And in the end I know I will have to feel the pain. And that just plain ol' sucks.
I hate this.
Oh, I wish i could fast forward, to the days in which this doesn't hurt as much. I want to no longer be angry. I want to have faith that I will feel hope and wholeness again. And that is SO hard to hold on to.
That is entirely what my week of grief has looked like. I am subtly aware that this go-around I am avoiding feeling the pain of sadness- so instead I have been either bitter and angry or avoiding feeling anything by throwing myself into to-do lists a mile long. I have planned out my life in the coming months within an inch of my life.
But it only helps a bit. And in the end I know I will have to feel the pain. And that just plain ol' sucks.
I hate this.
Oh, I wish i could fast forward, to the days in which this doesn't hurt as much. I want to no longer be angry. I want to have faith that I will feel hope and wholeness again. And that is SO hard to hold on to.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Straddling the worlds of ND and MD
I have a foot in both camps.
I have found that both western medicine and alternative medicine have been beneficial in seeking overall health. I am grateful to have found a Naturopath that I feel (most of the time) "gets me", if you know what I mean. I have a Gynecologist who is an MD, but shares her practice with several other practitioners of alternative medicine. She believes and models the importance of caring for not just the body, but the mind and spirit as well.
But sometimes I just wish there was ONE right answer. ya know?
Since this miscarriage-
The topic of progesterone has come up a couple of different places. First, it sort of came up even before I got pregnant as my Naturopath was exploring the possibility of me having Estrogen Domi.nance. (Which as I understand COULD also mean low progesterone). Once I learned of the miscarriage, I talked to my OB about progesterone and she referenced Luteal phase defect and the debate about progesterone supplements (referring to synthetic progesterone only). And then in my recent doctors appoint with my Naturopath he said if I were to get pregnant again he would definitely want me on a bio.identical progesterone cream. ACK! Sorting this out makes my head hurt. Even google isn't helping me on this one.
I've read a lot of women taking progesterone supplements, that seems pretty routine almost? and I KNOW about bioidentical progesterone and have used it briefly before, but never heard about it being used to help prevent miscarriage in a pregnancy.
Answers. This is probably all about me wanting some answers. And the reality is, I probably will never find an answer. Perhaps I just got unlucky twice. Or perhaps my body isn't capable of staying pregnant. Or maybe all I need is a boost to my progesterone. Or maybe I will never know......
I have found that both western medicine and alternative medicine have been beneficial in seeking overall health. I am grateful to have found a Naturopath that I feel (most of the time) "gets me", if you know what I mean. I have a Gynecologist who is an MD, but shares her practice with several other practitioners of alternative medicine. She believes and models the importance of caring for not just the body, but the mind and spirit as well.
But sometimes I just wish there was ONE right answer. ya know?
Since this miscarriage-
The topic of progesterone has come up a couple of different places. First, it sort of came up even before I got pregnant as my Naturopath was exploring the possibility of me having Estrogen Domi.nance. (Which as I understand COULD also mean low progesterone). Once I learned of the miscarriage, I talked to my OB about progesterone and she referenced Luteal phase defect and the debate about progesterone supplements (referring to synthetic progesterone only). And then in my recent doctors appoint with my Naturopath he said if I were to get pregnant again he would definitely want me on a bio.identical progesterone cream. ACK! Sorting this out makes my head hurt. Even google isn't helping me on this one.
I've read a lot of women taking progesterone supplements, that seems pretty routine almost? and I KNOW about bioidentical progesterone and have used it briefly before, but never heard about it being used to help prevent miscarriage in a pregnancy.
Answers. This is probably all about me wanting some answers. And the reality is, I probably will never find an answer. Perhaps I just got unlucky twice. Or perhaps my body isn't capable of staying pregnant. Or maybe all I need is a boost to my progesterone. Or maybe I will never know......
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
The question
The question came earlier then I was expecting. Then again, I went to my first doctor's appointment since the d&c earlier than I had expected.
"Will you try again?"
How does one answer that question? I don't even know where to begin. Sigh... I promised myself from the time I found out that I had miscarried, that I would give myself as much time as I needed to answer that question. But the question was asked, so I am digesting it now.
When I was in the midst of the miscarriage, the dark cloud suffocating me, I said to myself there is no way I can survive this a third time. Even before I knew I had miscarried, while I was in what I call the 8 week wait (waiting for the first ultrasound), the waiting was such torture that I told myself I couldn't go through this again.
But..
How do I give this up? How does one decide that its time to stop? I just don't know.
Today I won't decide. But the decision will have to be made, I hope I know when I am ready to make it......
"Will you try again?"
How does one answer that question? I don't even know where to begin. Sigh... I promised myself from the time I found out that I had miscarried, that I would give myself as much time as I needed to answer that question. But the question was asked, so I am digesting it now.
When I was in the midst of the miscarriage, the dark cloud suffocating me, I said to myself there is no way I can survive this a third time. Even before I knew I had miscarried, while I was in what I call the 8 week wait (waiting for the first ultrasound), the waiting was such torture that I told myself I couldn't go through this again.
But..
How do I give this up? How does one decide that its time to stop? I just don't know.
Today I won't decide. But the decision will have to be made, I hope I know when I am ready to make it......
Saturday, March 14, 2009
2nd D&C and an anniversay
The d&c was yesterday. This is not new territory for me unfortunately, this was my second d&C.
Today is the one year anniversary of finding out that my first pregnancy was a miscarriage.
This is not how I thought life would look.
Today, I am feeling okay surprisingly- psychically and emotionally, at least I think I am feeling fine. But I know now from experience that grief seems to rear its head at unexpected times and in unexpected ways.
Today, I imagine I am mostly grateful to have the d&c behind me, and no longer be in that kind of limbo. But a new limbo sets in. Answering "what next?" is daunting. Paralysis sets in if I even let my mind wander there.
I don't know what next....
I have no energy right now to try to get pregnant again. The waiting is brutal. And I feel that is all I have been doing for the past year. Waiting for period to start, waiting and guessing about peak ovulating time for timing sex, waiting to POAS, waiting for first sign of pregnancy symptoms, waiting for the first ultrasound, and then waiting for the miscarriage to come.
It is also hard to have energy when I don't have any answers? Why two miscarriages? Fluke? Underlying problem?
Adoption is a part of our journey as well. But even that, I just feel plain tired. I need time. i need to find some peace in my soul first before I can continue pushing paperwork.
And to be honest, I want to reclaim my body again. I have gained at least 10 pounds (half just before I got pregnant and half since I got pregnant). I stopped exercising regularly in December. I want to feel healthy again. And yet that could take a while.... and I just don't feel like I have a while to wait.
And so it goes, once again I am reminded how little control I have in the detours of life. Not sure what this road will look like........... I am tired of the bumps, though. that is for sure.
(Story From the beginning)
Today is the one year anniversary of finding out that my first pregnancy was a miscarriage.
This is not how I thought life would look.
Today, I am feeling okay surprisingly- psychically and emotionally, at least I think I am feeling fine. But I know now from experience that grief seems to rear its head at unexpected times and in unexpected ways.
Today, I imagine I am mostly grateful to have the d&c behind me, and no longer be in that kind of limbo. But a new limbo sets in. Answering "what next?" is daunting. Paralysis sets in if I even let my mind wander there.
I don't know what next....
I have no energy right now to try to get pregnant again. The waiting is brutal. And I feel that is all I have been doing for the past year. Waiting for period to start, waiting and guessing about peak ovulating time for timing sex, waiting to POAS, waiting for first sign of pregnancy symptoms, waiting for the first ultrasound, and then waiting for the miscarriage to come.
It is also hard to have energy when I don't have any answers? Why two miscarriages? Fluke? Underlying problem?
Adoption is a part of our journey as well. But even that, I just feel plain tired. I need time. i need to find some peace in my soul first before I can continue pushing paperwork.
And to be honest, I want to reclaim my body again. I have gained at least 10 pounds (half just before I got pregnant and half since I got pregnant). I stopped exercising regularly in December. I want to feel healthy again. And yet that could take a while.... and I just don't feel like I have a while to wait.
And so it goes, once again I am reminded how little control I have in the detours of life. Not sure what this road will look like........... I am tired of the bumps, though. that is for sure.
(Story From the beginning)
Thursday, March 5, 2009
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