1 year

Yesterday was the one year mark.
My first d&c was one year ago.

One year later...
- I thought I would already have a child
- I never imagined I would have had yet another d&c
- I thought our adoption homestudy/application would be completed and filed

This was not the plan.

When to fight and when to surrender

I want clarity. I feel like I am a little girl on a playground, looking to the sky, spinning in circles. I am getting dizzy. I am tired.

I want a lightening bolt to wap me upside the head and tell me what direction to go, to guide my path. to make it all clear.

I don't want to feel stuck in the mud anymore. I want a crisp, sunny day, with blue skies. Or at least I want to feel like a crisp, sunny day. It feels grey and overcast. My head feels full of mud.

I believe without a doubt that there has been divine moments in my life when the clarity has been there. When I decided to leave my profession of 10 years and go back to school to get my master's and change degrees, - I just knew. I can recall going to the 8am worship service and as I kneeled for communion that morning there was a gentle, but confident "go". It wasn't a voice. But is was. It was an knowing of my spirit. An urge. A confirmation. And when my faith in the journey wavered as the pieces came together and follow this "tug", I found comfort and steadfastnest in that split second of "knowing" I had as I briefly kneeled to receive communion. Sure I had been toying with the idea of going back to school already. Sure I had been looking. But that Sunday, I just knew. And I was at peace.

As I typed the word peace just now, the tears started to well up. I am not at peace. I desperately want to kneel at the altar again and just know. i want to know that this is all going to be okay. i want to know that spirit within that called me to grad school will challenge me to action and give me peace once again. We had started applying to adopt from Ethiopia- it sits unfinished, untouched. Hubby tried to have a semen test last Friday. It didn't happen (post for another day). I want children now, and yet I am not doing anything to make it happen. I have read blogs, websites, filtered wanted and unwanted advice. But right now, I am at a loss where to step. I am sick of options. I do not know which way to go. I feel all in my head. I can not see the path in front of me....


And I find myself asking- when do you know when it is time to push forward? To fight to make it happen? And when is it time to patiently wait and trust?

I don't have either in me. I don't have the energy to fight and I don't have the peace or patience to wait. I am tired of both. I don't like the word "fight". I dont like the imagery of "fighting" to make parenting a reality. Sometimes though I feel like it is a battle, uphill and hard all the way. Hoops, tests, standing your ground, pushing to see the doc you want to see, demanding that paperwork for the homestudy get completed on time, braving the bureaucracy, insisting on what is best for you..and your family. Struggle.

Are we called to push through the struggle at times?

Or am i supposed to be at peace and trust how things will unfold?

My spirit is tired...

Testing

Husband is getting ready to head out to his appointment. Semen test is today. He is a bit nervous, and I guess so am I. Not sure why- I guess I am nervous to find out answers, I am nervous that we won't find answers.

But overall I am grateful that we have the financial resources to at least pay for this small test. I am grateful that my husband has been so much a part of this decision making process. I am grateful that he agrees this test is an important first step.

Where next, i don't know. We might pay out of pocket for an initial consultation at the fertility clinic. We might work on finishing our adoption home study and application. We might buy some ovulation prediction kits. I might get back on my bike and just start being good to my body and spirit again.

Just the two of us ...for life?

A thought crossed my mind last week that I can honestly stay I have never thought before.

I have always considered growing our family through pregnancy, adoption, foster parenting. Lots of paths were and are being considered. But until last week, it had never crossed my mind the idea of never having kids....

Just me and husband.

Last week, it was added to the options-

Multiple choice question:
a) get pregnant
b) adopt/foster
c) just me and husband for life

My heart is sad just even typing that. You see, I came to the place by this past weekend, that option c was eliminated.

Before this past week, it had never crosses my mind. I got to wondering why now, what prompted the refection of this new option for the first time. Well, I don't know for sure, but I think it had to do with my two doctor appts- my Ob/gyn and my naturopath. They are health care providers I trust, have a good relationship with, and generally like. Furthermore I consider(ed?) them well rounded grounded people. And yikes! I can't believe the conversations I had with them about adoption. Trust me, I know adoption is not with out risk and challenges. (either is IVF, pregnancy, birth, life in general). My husband is adopted, as are my two sisters. And you know what? Bottom line- I wouldn't have it any other way. I VALUE THE GIFT THAT ADOPTION IS AND HAS BEEN IN MY LIFE AND IN MY FAMILY. I will not let two doctors with grossly misinformed ideas sway me to consider not taking ANY risks in growing our family.

I have never sought out the "easy" route in life. Life is risk, challenge, joy and heartache. But after a second d&c, two doctors lecturing on the "baggage" that comes with adopted kids, I longed for "easy." I wanted a safe, comfortable path to parenting. I wanted answers. I wanted to not have to trust in a power greater than I.

but it is not happening- no matter which path we choose (or are led on). It will not be neatly packaged in a box. And I am okay with that. And every morning when I wake up next to my husband, I am reminded of this truth. We were "just friends" for many years before our first date. And even our journey from dating, to engaged, to marriage was very slow. We were afraid to jump. We were afraid of what our 18 year age difference would mean. What others would think. What would happen in the future. But today as we approach our 4 year wedding anniversary, there is not a day that doesn't go by that I don't smile and gently chuckle at the fear that almost kept us from taking the leap. Cuz frankly, it has been the best leap of faith I have ever experienced. And nothing about it has been packaged neatly in a box.

my prayer is that I trust enough to leap again...

I WILL be a parent, and it will be beautiful.

Weighing on me

Disclaimer: Everything about this post is just pure whining. There is now way around it.

During the two months just before I got pregnant, I had taken a break from trying to lose weight. I had been following Weight Watchers for 16 weeks and only managed to lose 3 pounds. I started to believe that it was a hormone imbalance or something, because by exercising and eating well there is NO way that the weight shouldn't come off. But only 3 frickin' pounds later, i was discouraged. I took a break and gained about 4 pounds. i really didn't care- It was far less stressful, and I just need a break. And then I got pregnant and gained literally 5 pounds overnight. And the weight stuck. I can't even begin to say how discouraged I am. AND UNCOMFORTABLE. I feel bloaty and big and like a saugsage stuffed in my clothes. I HATE IT SO MUCH. Just another reminder of what was supposed to be. I have lost hope that it will ever come off.

I just want to crawl up in a ball in my sweat pants and bawl my eyes out.

Feels a bit better to type it out. I so need to get over my whining.

Grief sucks

Anger and Avoidance

That is entirely what my week of grief has looked like. I am subtly aware that this go-around I am avoiding feeling the pain of sadness- so instead I have been either bitter and angry or avoiding feeling anything by throwing myself into to-do lists a mile long. I have planned out my life in the coming months within an inch of my life.

But it only helps a bit. And in the end I know I will have to feel the pain. And that just plain ol' sucks.

I hate this.

Oh, I wish i could fast forward, to the days in which this doesn't hurt as much. I want to no longer be angry. I want to have faith that I will feel hope and wholeness again. And that is SO hard to hold on to.

Straddling the worlds of ND and MD

I have a foot in both camps.

I have found that both western medicine and alternative medicine have been beneficial in seeking overall health. I am grateful to have found a Naturopath that I feel (most of the time) "gets me", if you know what I mean. I have a Gynecologist who is an MD, but shares her practice with several other practitioners of alternative medicine. She believes and models the importance of caring for not just the body, but the mind and spirit as well.

But sometimes I just wish there was ONE right answer. ya know?

Since this miscarriage-

The topic of progesterone has come up a couple of different places. First, it sort of came up even before I got pregnant as my Naturopath was exploring the possibility of me having Estrogen Domi.nance. (Which as I understand COULD also mean low progesterone). Once I learned of the miscarriage, I talked to my OB about progesterone and she referenced Luteal phase defect and the debate about progesterone supplements (referring to synthetic progesterone only). And then in my recent doctors appoint with my Naturopath he said if I were to get pregnant again he would definitely want me on a bio.identical progesterone cream. ACK! Sorting this out makes my head hurt. Even google isn't helping me on this one.

I've read a lot of women taking progesterone supplements, that seems pretty routine almost? and I KNOW about bioidentical progesterone and have used it briefly before, but never heard about it being used to help prevent miscarriage in a pregnancy.

Answers. This is probably all about me wanting some answers. And the reality is, I probably will never find an answer. Perhaps I just got unlucky twice. Or perhaps my body isn't capable of staying pregnant. Or maybe all I need is a boost to my progesterone. Or maybe I will never know......