The start of year 5 and CD1

30 day cycle
29 days last month

i like that they are predictable. I called the REs office today like instructed, but I knew what the answer would be. Wait until next cycle cuz of vacation plans/timing. that's okay with me i think. I have been doing well losing a little bit of weight, so another month of focusing on my bodily health can't hurt. 6 more pounds until ALL my clothes in my closet are feeling good again.

Yesterday was our 4th wedding anniversary. it was a beautiful day. Hubby had all kinds of plans up his sleeve, and it was good for my soul. I'm glad I didn't dwell on the tough stuff. It flitted through my head during the course of the night - thinking back of all the loss we have endured- year one cancer, year two grad school and job had us on different coasts for most of the year, year three failed adoption and miscarriage, year four miscarriage. I could dwell, but i am not

i am beyond grateful for my marriage. i am excited for the summer and our plans. and even though more heartache and loss could come our way in year 5, I wouldn't trade what I have for anything.

And the goodness continues...

Sunday was a good day. Monday too. And today it continues. I can't explain why I am feeling positive, and hopeful (and like myself again), any more than i can explain why the dark cloud consumes me for days (weeks!) at times. It feels so unrelated to reality and everyday happenings. But no complaints- I am enjoying breathing again.

Some high points (all these things have fueled my overall feeling of good-ness, or maybe these things are the reason for my lifted spirits?)

- had a great 30 minute work break/walk with a co-worker that is becoming a good friend. two years of infertility, and now two children thru international adoption, she is so honest and real about her journey. And it was a breath of fresh air. Our walking and talking reminded me that so much of the feelings I am experiencing are normal- no matter which road we take to get to parenting (pregnancy or adoption). I don't think she even realized how much I was buoyed up by our chat. M

- i have been encouraged in the blog world by recent iui success stories. And I am feeling positive about trying a few rounds of iui. it won't break the bank (we have no infertility insurance coverage- zilch). and in the end, if we try it in 2009, and it isn't successful, I feel like i will have done what I need to do for me to know we did everything we could do to at least give one more valiant effort. My heart will break, but unless our insurance miraculously adds ivf coverage, its just not something that I feel okay with pursuing. So for today, we have a plan. CD1 should be any day now (tomorrow i think). We can't do the clomid/iui this cycle because we will be out of state, but i am going to call the RE and find out what she thinks of at least trying clomid and our own luck. I haven't decided yet if i will pay to have the HSG. She left that up to me. I don't think I fully understand the purpose of the test?

- I am beyond grateful for a DH that is on the same page with me, and that we are coming to the same decisions in the same time frame. We take our own path in getting there, but in the end i continue to be in awe of the ways our path intertwine. I shared with him my thoughts from the previous paragraph (recent iui successes, feeling hopeful, feeling like I could try a few cycles and then walk away feeling like i had given it my all). i was mostly just thinking out loud, but he looked at me and with confidence said, "let's do it". the way he responded gave me the sense that he had been thinking along this way as well- and talking about it confirmed it for both of us. Grateful.

A good day

Usually Sundays are hard for me. I usually feel rushed, feel the weight of not having gotten enough done on the weekend. The dread of Monday being around the corner. But today was different- not exactly sure why- but its still early in the evening, and I am relaxed, and feeling ready for the week.

I had a presentation to give this morning. And I realized once it was done, a weight lifted off my shoulders- I had no idea it was weighing on me. Also, I am currently working as an interim at my old job just until they hire- and the new hire was introduced today. That is great news- the end is in sight and I will have some more free time. And, Hubby and I have a balcony, but no yard- so we did are best at making as much planting space as possible on our balcony- herbs, green peppers, lavender, oriental poppies. So excited. And I just did the dishes (I usually leave the dishes for DH). Aren't you glad you stopped by to read about my thrilling day. Ha! But, it all added up to leave me in a good space tonight.

But, I also am a bit hopeful again today. I've been mapping out my cycle, and actually excited to start trying again. With medical intervention and without. And summer is almost here- so I feel like life might slow down a bit- and we can just play.

Oh- and I have gotten back in the grove of eating well and i have feeling centered and strong.

none of these things are rocket science, but I feel like it all shifted to lift some of my clouds that were hanging around.

Beyond what you could dream of, plan for, hope in...

I am a planner by nature- i like my calendars, my spreadsheets, my to do lists. Like? Love! they order my life. But there are those moments, that blow the lid of my nicely ordered box called life. I am reminded of these things when life happens beyond my control. Cuz, i can only see the few feet in front of me. I don't have the bigger picture. I remember having lunch with an old boss one day recently- as we were leaving the restaurant, he mentioned that there would be a position opening up shortly. it was a simple conversation. and yet, the opening of this position was nothing I could have planned for. I had a 5 year plan on my career path, but out of the blue, someone quits their job, opening up a perfect job for me, at a perfect time. That wasn't "my" plan- but the result has exceeded my expectations. And of course led me in a new, unplanned path.

it is little reminders like this that remind me, my plan is only good for the immediate steps in front of me. BECAUSE i CAN'T CONTROL THE UNIVERSE.

So, my constant reminder to myself, is to let go of the false believe that my life is entirely in my control. And be prepared to be led in unexpected ways. And it will be okay.

More info means answers?

Amazing how two weeks can go by, and no posts to my blog. Slacking.

Not sure where I have been. I feel like the grief has been a really thick, dark cloud this time. Worse than I was prepared for. Longer than I was bracing for. Sigh. I just feel an emptiness in me. And to be honest, I probably don't have much grace for myself and the process. I am disappointed and frustrated in myself that I could possibly still be paralyzed by grief. Which I know is silly. Grace is all I need right now, to honor that I am still hurting, and let it be, rather than fighting the fact that I am grieving.

But I wish I understood why it cuts so deep....

Its been a full week in our household. All over the place emotionally.

We met with an RE for the first time this week. Not sure what I think yet. The appointment was just yesterday, and I am struggling to process what I think and feel about it. Here are bullet points:

What was good about it:
- My husband learned about what I already knew about from many years of reading fellow bloggers and other literature about infertility and options. Good to be on the same page, and him hear it from an "expert."
- If, by some miracle, I get pregnant again, I can get my beta and an ultrasound right away with the RE (my OB/GYN follows the "wait until 9-10 weeks" policy)
- Husband walked away pretty enthused about IUIs after he learned about our options. Kind of surprised me, but also put me at ease a bit. He is really new to all this infertility lingo, and skeptical, but he is willing and ready to do an IUI asap.

So-so aspects:
- I think I expected some ah-ha moments, lightening, revelations. But I actually knew about 90% of what she talked about. (Good for husband, a review for me)
- There really aren't answers. Just more tests. Tests that may not give any answers. And I am still so ambivalent about all this.
- The doc was young and newer to the practice than I had expected. That can be good or bad, it just wasn't' my expectation.

What next? Well, I am leaning towards a Day 3 blood test & ultrasound and IUI with clomid. We know husband has borderline morphology and motility, but good counts. But we also know I have gotten pregnant twice. Could still be my egg quality. no answers.

We don't see ourselves choosing to spend out of pocket for IVF. I just can't do it without some guarantees. Which we know don't exist.

I was an egg donor 5 years ago (ironies abound), so the doc is going to dig to see what records we can find so save me from tests (did I have a karyotype (spelling?) test? did the recipient conceive successfully?)

I am supposed to check to see if, even though my insurance won't cover a diagnosis code of "infertile" if they will cover a code of "recurrent loss." doubtful, but its one more try.

If i emerge from my ambivalence, we can choose to do an IUI on my next cycle. My period is due to arrive in about 5 days. I'm giving it the weekend to think about it.....

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It's been a week of appointments with doctors. We also had our first appointment with the doc who is taking over my husband's post-cancer follow up care. Our doc of three years left the practice. I didn't realize how vulnerable i felt starting over with a new doctor. It brought back so many emotions and fears. Of what we went through to be where we are at today. I welled up with love all over again for him. And guilt, for how I have been so much less of a wife lately to him than he deserves. My grief has made me bitchy. how quickly I forget how close I came to losing him. And then I am a bitch because I want more- I want a child with him.

I also did more internet reading (bad, bad thing) about the chemo drugs husband was on three years ago. Sure enough, one is possibly linked to poor morphology. Sigh. More grief of what we lost in the process. Maybe that isn't the culprit, but you can't help but wonder. And then the cycle of guilt returns- how in the world can I be angry at curtly tailed sperm, when in the end I still have him in my life?

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I probably need to work on bloggin on the good days, but for now this is my safe, dumping place. So, it is my place I unpack the turmoil in side of me. Thanks for reading a long.

Borderline - what does that even mean?

We got the semen analysis results back.

Borderline.

We haven't met with a doctor. Why? I don't know- I don't think insurance will cover it, and I am too burnt out to find out. (Scroll to bottom to see results)

This test was a reminder for me that test results don't give you answers. They give you, at best, information. But not answers.(Typing that just made me well up with tears- I guess this topic was a bit more raw that I realized).

Relief
Indifference
Grief
Exhaustion
Anger
Finger-pointing
Peace
Guilt

This is the range of emotions I have felt this week since getting the results back. The results can't tell me if I am ever going to be a mother. The test results don't tell me if his sperm are the reason for the two miscarriages. The results certainly can't give me assurance that there aren't also OTHER reasons. This piece of paper can't tell me with certainty that I have options that I can afford. They can't tell me when this dark cloud of grief will lift enough that I can start to hope again. And it surely can't tell me what the "right" next step is for me, for us.


My period came last week. I am grateful that it was on time- for some reason I find comfort in that. But it also brought a new wave of grief. And I thought that when the hormones rebalanced, the grief would subsidy. But it hasn't- my period is no longer to blame, and I am really really struggling under this dark cloud. I have ZERO interest in anything related to become a mother. And feeling that way just adds even more grief. Have I really become so calloused that I can't even yearn for being a mother anymore? I keep telling myself it will lift, that I will be able to hope again, but it sure doesn't feel like that will come true. I just feel done. D-O-N-E.

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My step daughter spent the past 6 days with us. She lives out of state with her mom. She goes to college in another state. She is on summer break and came to visit us. I am not sure why i am bloggin about this- but i feel like it is part of my grief. I love her- I surprise myself sometimes at how much I love her. I didn't raise her- I have only been in her life for a very small part of it. But something stirs inside me that isn't of my own doing. And yet her visit was hard. She has pulled away. I am not sure if it is because of her age, her new freedoms as a college student- or if it because I am and always will be her "step" mom. Or maybe its the friction created from the divorce that chip away at her innocence. I think her visit, and this growing tension in the relationship stirred up in my some of this grief. It was a reminder that a) I am not her mother, and as much as I seek to be a nurturing, mentoring adult in her life- she will always make sure to keep me in my place- I am not her mother, I am nobody's mother. and b) parenting is f$@%cking hard. I watch as she and her dad, my DH, dance around the wounds left from the divorce. She was young- only a baby, when the divorce happened, but the wound has not healed, and for some reason I feel like it has been re- opened in the past couple of years. Grief, what if's, Anger and blame have become silent forces in the dance of this relationship. And my heart breaks as I watch my husband slowly lose the one thing he wants so much- his baby girl. And there is nothing he can do, or that I can do to stop it. The past is the past- she can choose to resent him for living 2hrs by plane away from his kids. she can choose to resent him for not being wealthy like her mom's side of the family. she can choose to resent him for being human. And all we can do is hope that some day, she comes around.

I told my mom a little bit about how I was feeling from this last visit of hers- and I said "ya know mom, it is a struggle to get pregnant, a struggle to stay pregnant, a struggle to raise them- and it hurts SO much- sometimes I wonder if the pain is more than I can take. do I really want this?"

That is where I am at today.......

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Semen test results 5/8/09
volume 3.8 ml (Normal: 1.5-4.5)
concentration 60 million/ml (normal: 20-150 million/Ml)
motility 44% (normal: > 50%)
Progression 2.0 (Normal: 3-4)
Viability 53% (Normal 60-95%)
Morphology 5% (Normal <10%; Sub optimal 5-9%, Abnormal <4)

Chicken in my fridge, my heart overflows

Excuse the sappiness, but I just need some levity to my normally crabby blog.

How in the world did I get so lucky to be married to HIM? My husband! I still can't believe it. Became friends almost 10 years ago. Dated several years, married now for almost 4. And it just keeps getting better. I still don't know how we ended up married (!!) but I am grateful for every day.

We joke that the reason that no sparks flew when we met is that I was too young for him. Still am too young, but dating a 23 year old vs. dating a 26 year old when you are 18 years old than her seems drastically different. So, yes, I was too young for him when we first met.

And we both have been married before. We both had just ended serious relationships (my marriage, his engagement to another women) when he and I first met. Dating him DID NOT EVEN CROSS MY MIND!

I hear new mother's talk about the depth of love and the overwhelming feeling of knowing a love so great for a babe you have only just met. That is the closest I can come to explaining my love for DH. I did not know I was capable of loving him or anyone- to the depth that I love him. It changes every day. And every day I am changed. My spirit has been transformed in a way that astounds me. I am grateful every day of what we have together.

And when he cooks me teriyaki chicken, turkey sausages, and tofu stirfry because I am swamped right now and stressed about not having good easy protein choices in the fridge for the week. I came home to all of it in the fridge- and he is plenty swamped himself right now.

But it isn't even the chicken in the fridge, it is, but it is so much more. It is who he is and what we are creating together. We are a team. Our relationship inspires us and nudges us to selflessness. And I am in awe.

Sometimes I wonder what our life would be like today if he had never gotten the diagnosis. If we never had heard the words "stage IV cancer." Would I be as grateful? Would I be in as much awe of that fact that I get to spend my life with him? I want to say that I would love him in the same way, cancer or no cancer, but I don't know. Surviving cancer together changed us in ways that it is too hard to speculate "what if".

I have difficult days for sure when what I want and what I have sap each other of their beauty- I have days when I can't see beyond the word "recurrent miscarriages." But on days like today, when I am so in tune with the gift that is our marriage, I can't help but think that even if it was only us forever, I could still be joyful and at peace.

Oh, Universe, you are taking me on a ride- of this I am certain.