Before I blogged, I kept a journal on my laptop. I found in life, that while I loved the therapy of journaling, I hated doing it with pen and paper. So, I started typing on my laptop. Which after my 2nd miscarriage, turned into blogging. Many of those journal entries are now in this blog, in order to tell the story.
I haven't opened my journal since this blog was started, but tonight for some reason, I opened it up. the last journal entries were right around the time we found out about the 2nd pregnancy also being a blighted ovum. It's hard to reread much of it. The grief was crushing. I was struck though how many common threads there are to where I was and where I am now- the same common threads that I struggle with: hope, God's will, and surrender. Here is a post from my journal- (i was about 6-7 weeks pregnant I think, and this was about 10 days before 1st U/S revealed the BO).
February 22, 2009
I have been struggling with hope
I even googled it
What does it mean to have hope?
Am I called to hope? And to hope in what?
I feel like it is naive to have hope that a baby will result from this pregnancy.
And as I wrestled with this, I came to this centered place.
I hope that God is glorified in this journey
I hope that God is glorified in his breaking me to his will
I hope that God is glorified in the patient surrender I practice each day along this journey and the many more that are to come
I hope that God is glorified in our desire to create life together out of the abundant love he has given us.
I hope….
Monday, September 14, 2009
Again; CD1
AF has come today. Right on schedule.
Thankfully I am not devastated, as I feared I might be, and even more important I don't feel like an idiot for the hope I had just two days ago when I sort of believed that maybe I was pregnant. I even POAS this morning. And then AF came.
In a way, I am excited to be finally at "THE" cycle. The one in which I can start doing something. The one in which I will get my blood work done (i forget which day? cd3?). I will start clomid in just a few more days. I will have IUI#1. This next two weeks will go by so fast to be DOING SOMETHING.
I find myself counting to 40 weeks over and over. Daring to hope and dream just a bit. Argh, I hope I am not shattered to pieces again. I am not remotely prepared for what happens if the IUI doesn't work. I can handle one failing, maybe two, but I don't know about after that. I also can't fathom it working and then miscarrying again. In some way, I just trust that the IUI will solve our miscarriage problem. But who knows! It could be so many reasons. I just pray that I will be at peace with it all and that I will know when it is time to call it quits and that I'll be okay with it.
Thankfully I am not devastated, as I feared I might be, and even more important I don't feel like an idiot for the hope I had just two days ago when I sort of believed that maybe I was pregnant. I even POAS this morning. And then AF came.
In a way, I am excited to be finally at "THE" cycle. The one in which I can start doing something. The one in which I will get my blood work done (i forget which day? cd3?). I will start clomid in just a few more days. I will have IUI#1. This next two weeks will go by so fast to be DOING SOMETHING.
I find myself counting to 40 weeks over and over. Daring to hope and dream just a bit. Argh, I hope I am not shattered to pieces again. I am not remotely prepared for what happens if the IUI doesn't work. I can handle one failing, maybe two, but I don't know about after that. I also can't fathom it working and then miscarrying again. In some way, I just trust that the IUI will solve our miscarriage problem. But who knows! It could be so many reasons. I just pray that I will be at peace with it all and that I will know when it is time to call it quits and that I'll be okay with it.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Tempted to Hope
We haven't been "trying" as hard this summer. We aren't NOT trying but I haven't been as diligent in the timing. Mainly, we have been busy, traveling, and mostly I have focused my TTC energy on our September IUI #1. Mostly, I think I have sort of given up that it could happen naturally. And in an odd way, that has been a relief- to just "be."
I am 3-4 days away from AF. The girls are sore. I wouldn't think anything of it except that, well I don't think for me they usually get sore before my period. (do they?) And the last time I remember them being this sore- well, was when I was pregnant. And I wouldn't think much of it, except that the last several days I feel like I have had to pee all the time. (or am I making that up?)
And then I think- That's just plain silly. stupid really.
I know too much, and I don't know anything at all. I know what it feels like to be pregnant. My body remembers. And yet, the "knowing" also blurs into "false hope." The little symptom causes my spirit to say "what if? maybe?" My head usually jumps right in- into protection mechanism mode. The mind reminds me that we have been trying for almost two years, and no real live baby yet. The mind reminds me that these symptoms come and go as part of normal everyday stuff. The mind reminds me that I have been let down by these symptoms before. Hormones fluctuate, drinking more water plainly means more frequent peeing. My mind reminds me.
Which leaves me in this tug-of-war in my brain: one side of me wants to naively scan the web world looking for validation that just maybe these could be early symptoms. that same side of me wants to start counting the months because just maybe this could be it. it wants to believe because this was the cycle we didn't "try," we just relaxed, and we were traveling abroad in a country in which we really feel is our other home. this is a cycle in which the women in the rural village prayed over me with fervent faith upon learning about our miscarriages. That side of me thinks it would be so perfect if this was it....
But, the other side of me is not there. The other side of me wants to fast forward to CD1 so that I can stop being tempted to hope. Amazing how hope is the only thing sometimes that sustains us, and it also is the one thing that I feel like sometimes I need to protect myself against.
I am 3-4 days away from AF. The girls are sore. I wouldn't think anything of it except that, well I don't think for me they usually get sore before my period. (do they?) And the last time I remember them being this sore- well, was when I was pregnant. And I wouldn't think much of it, except that the last several days I feel like I have had to pee all the time. (or am I making that up?)
And then I think- That's just plain silly. stupid really.
I know too much, and I don't know anything at all. I know what it feels like to be pregnant. My body remembers. And yet, the "knowing" also blurs into "false hope." The little symptom causes my spirit to say "what if? maybe?" My head usually jumps right in- into protection mechanism mode. The mind reminds me that we have been trying for almost two years, and no real live baby yet. The mind reminds me that these symptoms come and go as part of normal everyday stuff. The mind reminds me that I have been let down by these symptoms before. Hormones fluctuate, drinking more water plainly means more frequent peeing. My mind reminds me.
Which leaves me in this tug-of-war in my brain: one side of me wants to naively scan the web world looking for validation that just maybe these could be early symptoms. that same side of me wants to start counting the months because just maybe this could be it. it wants to believe because this was the cycle we didn't "try," we just relaxed, and we were traveling abroad in a country in which we really feel is our other home. this is a cycle in which the women in the rural village prayed over me with fervent faith upon learning about our miscarriages. That side of me thinks it would be so perfect if this was it....
But, the other side of me is not there. The other side of me wants to fast forward to CD1 so that I can stop being tempted to hope. Amazing how hope is the only thing sometimes that sustains us, and it also is the one thing that I feel like sometimes I need to protect myself against.
Mary! She will pray for you.
(Disclaimer #1: I know that people come from all different perspectives, beliefs, and life experiences when it comes to what they believe. This is my space to be able to be honest and transparent and that is what I try to do most of the time. I invite honest comment and dialogue, but be a bit gentle as I am sorting this out through writing it. Disclaimer #2 This is long.)
Absolute faith.
100% certainty.
Confident without a doubt.
This is not my faith. This is not the spirit i have when I pray. Sometimes I wish it was....
My work takes me out of the country multiple times a year. I work with amazing partners in this very poor country, and have friends and colleagues that have become like family to my husband and I. We come back humbled every time we spend time there just by being in the presence of people who are trying to end the tragedy of the poverty cycle, one day, one person, one prayer at a time. It is humbling. One man in particular, John has over the years become a friend to us. He is an american, but has lived there for 35 years. He has worked all these years with an organization that is very well-known and respected in the field that I work. Several years ago, he and his wife, Mary, started a small church in the village where his wife is from. I know of his wife, met her in passing, but haven't gotten to know here as well.
In this past visit, my husband traveled with me. We spent the weekend in the village with a family who belongs to John's church. As we sat at the kitchen table one night, somehow my husband began to share about our two miscarriages with this women, we were staying with. I was so appreciative of this women's response- without skipping a beat she said with almost a sense of urgency and excitement- "Mary! She will pray for you." It was as if she just knew that what we needed was for Mary to pray. She then, a bit embarrassed by her forthrightness, asked to make sure it would be okay if she asked Mary to pray for us. I said of course. The conversation changed directions and we carried on with the weekend. I told DH later that i had found myself oddly comforted by her response. It was indeed forthright- unlike the usual- "I'll pray for you" more automated response. She felt compelled to ask Mary to pray.
On Sunday we all went to this church in the village. It was good to be back as we haven't been there in some time. I am still a learner of the language so the long church service wore me out and at the end I was ready to say a quick goodbye to our friend John and head out. We got caught chit chatting with members as they stopped to greet us and soon the church was near empty. DH spotted John and led me over to him. Something must have stirred in my husband because he got to talking with with John, and soon he was again sharing of our struggle to grow our family and our two miscarriages. Sometime during this conversation we are joined by a women- and I realize that it is John's wife- Mary. Praying Mary. Mary listened to my huband tell our story, and then shared her story with us- 10 years of TTC. Infertility issues in both her and John. They adopted two children. Years go by. And she gets pregnant. The doctors don't understand how. She had a little girl. And just a few years later she gets pregnant again, and has another girl. They too shower us with compassion and ask if they can pray. And pray they did. Before starting to pray, she went out into the hallway and returned with two young women. She said, I have asked my daughters (now grown) to join us in prayer as they are the living proof that God can work miracles. And they prayed passionately. It was a canned or scripted prayer- they prayed with fervor. (Not a word that is used often, but I don't know how else to describe it). And they prayed specifically for God to bless us with a pregnancy.
And this is where I cringe. This is where my heart and my mind collide as I tell the story.
how can they pray that? how can they believe that? how can they lead me to hope for that? what about all the dear women in my life and in blogland that pray fervently and are prayed for fervently that will never hold a child in their arms?
shouldn't we just pray for God's will to be done? or pray that in whatever happens that God will be there with us? That is the only way I can muster to pray.
Or do I pray that way because it safer? because it actually requires less faith on my part and I don't have to go so far out on the limb? do I worry that I won't know what to do if ...if..the answer to the prayer never comes.
I wrestled with this when DH was diagnosed with cancer. I never prayed that God would heal him. I just couldn't. Because I know the statistics. I have known too many people that have been taken by this terrible disease. And I couldn't bring myself to pray for healing. I could only pray that God would walk with us whatever happened.
I don't know the answers to these questions. I don't think there really are answers to these questions in the way I would like. But I do think asking the questions is important- because I am trying to figure out what it means to be that I am a person of faith. And can I go out on the limb as far as Mary when I pray.....?
it is hard to put into words the story- but it was moving to be blanketed in prayer like this.
Absolute faith.
100% certainty.
Confident without a doubt.
This is not my faith. This is not the spirit i have when I pray. Sometimes I wish it was....
My work takes me out of the country multiple times a year. I work with amazing partners in this very poor country, and have friends and colleagues that have become like family to my husband and I. We come back humbled every time we spend time there just by being in the presence of people who are trying to end the tragedy of the poverty cycle, one day, one person, one prayer at a time. It is humbling. One man in particular, John has over the years become a friend to us. He is an american, but has lived there for 35 years. He has worked all these years with an organization that is very well-known and respected in the field that I work. Several years ago, he and his wife, Mary, started a small church in the village where his wife is from. I know of his wife, met her in passing, but haven't gotten to know here as well.
In this past visit, my husband traveled with me. We spent the weekend in the village with a family who belongs to John's church. As we sat at the kitchen table one night, somehow my husband began to share about our two miscarriages with this women, we were staying with. I was so appreciative of this women's response- without skipping a beat she said with almost a sense of urgency and excitement- "Mary! She will pray for you." It was as if she just knew that what we needed was for Mary to pray. She then, a bit embarrassed by her forthrightness, asked to make sure it would be okay if she asked Mary to pray for us. I said of course. The conversation changed directions and we carried on with the weekend. I told DH later that i had found myself oddly comforted by her response. It was indeed forthright- unlike the usual- "I'll pray for you" more automated response. She felt compelled to ask Mary to pray.
On Sunday we all went to this church in the village. It was good to be back as we haven't been there in some time. I am still a learner of the language so the long church service wore me out and at the end I was ready to say a quick goodbye to our friend John and head out. We got caught chit chatting with members as they stopped to greet us and soon the church was near empty. DH spotted John and led me over to him. Something must have stirred in my husband because he got to talking with with John, and soon he was again sharing of our struggle to grow our family and our two miscarriages. Sometime during this conversation we are joined by a women- and I realize that it is John's wife- Mary. Praying Mary. Mary listened to my huband tell our story, and then shared her story with us- 10 years of TTC. Infertility issues in both her and John. They adopted two children. Years go by. And she gets pregnant. The doctors don't understand how. She had a little girl. And just a few years later she gets pregnant again, and has another girl. They too shower us with compassion and ask if they can pray. And pray they did. Before starting to pray, she went out into the hallway and returned with two young women. She said, I have asked my daughters (now grown) to join us in prayer as they are the living proof that God can work miracles. And they prayed passionately. It was a canned or scripted prayer- they prayed with fervor. (Not a word that is used often, but I don't know how else to describe it). And they prayed specifically for God to bless us with a pregnancy.
And this is where I cringe. This is where my heart and my mind collide as I tell the story.
how can they pray that? how can they believe that? how can they lead me to hope for that? what about all the dear women in my life and in blogland that pray fervently and are prayed for fervently that will never hold a child in their arms?
shouldn't we just pray for God's will to be done? or pray that in whatever happens that God will be there with us? That is the only way I can muster to pray.
Or do I pray that way because it safer? because it actually requires less faith on my part and I don't have to go so far out on the limb? do I worry that I won't know what to do if ...if..the answer to the prayer never comes.
I wrestled with this when DH was diagnosed with cancer. I never prayed that God would heal him. I just couldn't. Because I know the statistics. I have known too many people that have been taken by this terrible disease. And I couldn't bring myself to pray for healing. I could only pray that God would walk with us whatever happened.
I don't know the answers to these questions. I don't think there really are answers to these questions in the way I would like. But I do think asking the questions is important- because I am trying to figure out what it means to be that I am a person of faith. And can I go out on the limb as far as Mary when I pray.....?
it is hard to put into words the story- but it was moving to be blanketed in prayer like this.
If all goes as planned... the countdown
This week I returned from being out of the country for almost three weeks. This trip originally wasn't supposed to happen, I was supposed to be too far along in my pregnancy to go on this trip, but you know how that worked out. It was a research trip for my nonprofit with a lot of time also spent with family and friends in-country and I have to say it was a fabulous time and time well spent. And now I am back and it is September. How did that happen.
And if all goes as planned...
AF will come in 3-4 days and I will start the blood work-ups at the clinic that I never had a chance to do (because of travel plans this summer.)
And if all goes as planned...
I will meet with our new replacement RE (hopefully new and improved?) in just 7 days from now.
And if all goes as planned....
In about 2 1/2 weeks we will be doing our first IUI.
ONLY 2 1/2 weeks away. I have a mix of emotions. Feels so soon and also like I have waited forever. I hope that it turns out to be less expensive than planned. I hope that I like the new RE. I hope I respond to everything the way I am supposed to. I hope that this is the right path to pursue.
I've given myself (in my mind) the next three cycles - pretty much the remainder of 2009- to dedicate to IUIs and then.... and then, I don't know what. But I don't know if I'll persue any more medical intervention. Of course, this could all change after talking more with the RE and seeing how things go, but! But, this is as much hope and energy (and finances) as I can and am willing to muster.
So "Greetings September"- you are here at last. We'll see if it all goes as planned.
And if all goes as planned...
AF will come in 3-4 days and I will start the blood work-ups at the clinic that I never had a chance to do (because of travel plans this summer.)
And if all goes as planned...
I will meet with our new replacement RE (hopefully new and improved?) in just 7 days from now.
And if all goes as planned....
In about 2 1/2 weeks we will be doing our first IUI.
ONLY 2 1/2 weeks away. I have a mix of emotions. Feels so soon and also like I have waited forever. I hope that it turns out to be less expensive than planned. I hope that I like the new RE. I hope I respond to everything the way I am supposed to. I hope that this is the right path to pursue.
I've given myself (in my mind) the next three cycles - pretty much the remainder of 2009- to dedicate to IUIs and then.... and then, I don't know what. But I don't know if I'll persue any more medical intervention. Of course, this could all change after talking more with the RE and seeing how things go, but! But, this is as much hope and energy (and finances) as I can and am willing to muster.
So "Greetings September"- you are here at last. We'll see if it all goes as planned.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Abracadabra- *Poof*! Magically a new RE appears
You might remember this post in which I was contemplating a second consultation with an RE in the same clinic? I was struggling because a) i didn't have any good reasons NOT to like the 1st RE we consulted with but b) I didn't love her either. And I didn't trust her fully. And I was dreading calling the clinic and saying "Well, I didn't really like Dr. Penelope, so can you give me a better doc". Well, I made the call today to ask for a second consult(as I am playing hooky from work this morning).
Here is how it played out:
Clinic: Good morning, XYZ Clinic, May I help you?
Me: Yes, please. Yada yada (this is where I tell my life story). And so, I was wondering it if would be rude if cheated on my current RE and explored if there is a better fish in the pond. (Okay, I am paraphrasing)
Clinic: Not a problem. Can I put you on hold for a moment?
Me: Sure (Waiting, waiting, waiting)
Clinic: Your name please
Me: AshaAnn (well, I give her my actual name, but you get the picture)
Clinic: I see that you saw Dr. Penelope on your first consult in May
Me: Yes?
Clinic: Well, Dr. Penelope has left the practice. So its a good thing you called.
Me: (Silence as waves of shock, relief, serendipatiousness flow through me. And thinking in my head, I wonder how long it will be until I can get in to see Dr. of choice. Realizing Tuesday is the only day I could see her before leaving the country for a month. Preparing myself that an appointment when I get back late Sept. is fine. And that seeing her this Tuesday is unlikely give she is the co-founder/director of this clinic. Keeping all these thoughts silently in my head.)
Clinic: Let's see, who would you like to see?
Me: Dr. Greener Pastures
Clinic: Okay, well it looks like you could see her this Tuesday.
Me: Picking jaw up off floor- "Fabulous"
......
I am floating right now- so relieved. excited. feeling like I am moving forward again. And that makes me a tiny bit hopeful.
I could end up not liking Dr. Greener Pastures also, and then what, I don't know. But I like to explore all options, so at least having two RE's to compare helps my way of making decisions. And Tuesday works (mostly) with the husbands schedule. And then I can let it all sink in while I am gone for 4 weeks.
And, this will just be a follow-up appointment, so it won't be as expensive. Oh, I am so glad I made that call. I like when it all works.
Here is how it played out:
Clinic: Good morning, XYZ Clinic, May I help you?
Me: Yes, please. Yada yada (this is where I tell my life story). And so, I was wondering it if would be rude if cheated on my current RE and explored if there is a better fish in the pond. (Okay, I am paraphrasing)
Clinic: Not a problem. Can I put you on hold for a moment?
Me: Sure (Waiting, waiting, waiting)
Clinic: Your name please
Me: AshaAnn (well, I give her my actual name, but you get the picture)
Clinic: I see that you saw Dr. Penelope on your first consult in May
Me: Yes?
Clinic: Well, Dr. Penelope has left the practice. So its a good thing you called.
Me: (Silence as waves of shock, relief, serendipatiousness flow through me. And thinking in my head, I wonder how long it will be until I can get in to see Dr. of choice. Realizing Tuesday is the only day I could see her before leaving the country for a month. Preparing myself that an appointment when I get back late Sept. is fine. And that seeing her this Tuesday is unlikely give she is the co-founder/director of this clinic. Keeping all these thoughts silently in my head.)
Clinic: Let's see, who would you like to see?
Me: Dr. Greener Pastures
Clinic: Okay, well it looks like you could see her this Tuesday.
Me: Picking jaw up off floor- "Fabulous"
......
I am floating right now- so relieved. excited. feeling like I am moving forward again. And that makes me a tiny bit hopeful.
I could end up not liking Dr. Greener Pastures also, and then what, I don't know. But I like to explore all options, so at least having two RE's to compare helps my way of making decisions. And Tuesday works (mostly) with the husbands schedule. And then I can let it all sink in while I am gone for 4 weeks.
And, this will just be a follow-up appointment, so it won't be as expensive. Oh, I am so glad I made that call. I like when it all works.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Feeling left behind
i've been gone. for an entire month. I've been reading. but barely commenting. Sorry y'all. and I haven't even been able to bring myself to post to my own blog.
I think I have been in avoidance behavior. Avoiding the grief. Avoiding the fact that I have been a downer, and as much as my blog is therapy for me, I get tired of ONLY writing when I am blue.
This story will probably highlight what triggered this downhill spiral of avoidance:
A friend of mine shared with me in March that her husband and her had been TTC unsuccessfully for two years. As we stood in the hallway at our church, and she shared with me I felt the weight of her pain. She is a planner- in fact our circle of friends has always teased her because she is one of those in life that has things all planned out. She had a plan and that was that- it would all fall into place because she said so. Well, it didn't, and her world was shattered. As we commiserated in that hallway, I shared with her for the first time that we had had a miscarriage (a year ago at that time). What I didn't share with her was that I was 7 weeks pregnant as we stood in that hallway. Not like it was the best time to bring it up, and I was petrified as we were having our 1st U/S the next week. And, as the story goes, we had another miscarriage. She doesn't know, cuz she didn't know we were pregnant. I don't see this friend much, so time went by, and she was on my heart. i knew that they were planning a clomid challenge test in May. May came and went and I wanted to reach out to her- as we also found ourselves in the office of an RE in May. Wondering how she was doing, wondering which RE she was seeing, thinking I should reach out to her- that it would be good for both of us to support one another.
I saw her this past month. I actually was in a larger group off and on throughout the week with her, but it was busy and we never really had a chance to talk. But I knew. There were signs- a bit more, shall we say, "well-endowed," bloaty belly, and finally the confirmation "I can't eat lunch meat" as we were being served sandwiches.
I felt like my insides were being split in two. I have never known jealousy like this before. I seeth with envy. And I hate that I feel that way. Now, I have been avoiding her. (Geesh- how awful of a person am I?) Its like she became the enemy. (YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME, AM I REALLY THAT HEARTLESS?) In stead of compassion, and wanting to reach out to her, I am angry at her. (YEA, LIKE SHE GOT PREGNANT JUST TO HURT ME! WHATEVER) And its not fair, as I stomp my feet (LIKE SOMEHOW BY HER GETTING PREGNANT, SHE HAS ROBBED ME OF MY CHANCE TO GET PREGNANT. UMM.. not the way it works)
Two weeks ago, before the lunch meat comment and the bloated belly I felt a desire to walk along side her. Poof. Now I am insane lady....
That's why I have been avoiding the blog. Cuz if I come here, I have to admit that I have dark sides to me that are yuck. And I am not as whole and centered as human being as I like to believe I am. And I believe that we are called to be there for one another. And I know, that if the tables were reversed, and she came alongside me, I would be humbled by her self-lessness.
So, now I am working on letting go. On dying to myself. To getting "me" out of they way, so that I can be truly Me. Cuz how I feel, doesn't feel good. I want to be able to walk along side her in her grief and despair and in her joy and celebration that they finally got what they wanted. SHE IS ONE OF US! an infertile. I am not suppose to hate her. She put in her time, and grief, and tears, and heartache. Why can't I rejoice with her? If she can get pregnant after two years of trying, then maybe there is hope for us!!?
The other trigger was a co-worker of mine. She shared (a couple of months ago) that she was pregnant with her second. We was maybe 7 weeks along when she shared. Ugg. (The anger boils as I realize that my naivete is forever gone- I will never be able to confidently tell my boss and co-workers that I will be having a baby - when only 7 WEEKS ALONG!) Its not her fault, I know that. Again, I want to celebrate with her. But I am still broken. And, well, I am putting it all out there- cuz its blog world, and I can.
I am feeling left behind-
In this time of inactivity as we wait until we'll be in town long enough to do our first iui, I am feeling left behind.
And I can't help but wonder, if I will be one of the unlucky ones. That never gets their miracle. There are not guarantees. And that is a reality that I am still learning to deal with.
I think I have been in avoidance behavior. Avoiding the grief. Avoiding the fact that I have been a downer, and as much as my blog is therapy for me, I get tired of ONLY writing when I am blue.
This story will probably highlight what triggered this downhill spiral of avoidance:
A friend of mine shared with me in March that her husband and her had been TTC unsuccessfully for two years. As we stood in the hallway at our church, and she shared with me I felt the weight of her pain. She is a planner- in fact our circle of friends has always teased her because she is one of those in life that has things all planned out. She had a plan and that was that- it would all fall into place because she said so. Well, it didn't, and her world was shattered. As we commiserated in that hallway, I shared with her for the first time that we had had a miscarriage (a year ago at that time). What I didn't share with her was that I was 7 weeks pregnant as we stood in that hallway. Not like it was the best time to bring it up, and I was petrified as we were having our 1st U/S the next week. And, as the story goes, we had another miscarriage. She doesn't know, cuz she didn't know we were pregnant. I don't see this friend much, so time went by, and she was on my heart. i knew that they were planning a clomid challenge test in May. May came and went and I wanted to reach out to her- as we also found ourselves in the office of an RE in May. Wondering how she was doing, wondering which RE she was seeing, thinking I should reach out to her- that it would be good for both of us to support one another.
I saw her this past month. I actually was in a larger group off and on throughout the week with her, but it was busy and we never really had a chance to talk. But I knew. There were signs- a bit more, shall we say, "well-endowed," bloaty belly, and finally the confirmation "I can't eat lunch meat" as we were being served sandwiches.
I felt like my insides were being split in two. I have never known jealousy like this before. I seeth with envy. And I hate that I feel that way. Now, I have been avoiding her. (Geesh- how awful of a person am I?) Its like she became the enemy. (YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME, AM I REALLY THAT HEARTLESS?) In stead of compassion, and wanting to reach out to her, I am angry at her. (YEA, LIKE SHE GOT PREGNANT JUST TO HURT ME! WHATEVER) And its not fair, as I stomp my feet (LIKE SOMEHOW BY HER GETTING PREGNANT, SHE HAS ROBBED ME OF MY CHANCE TO GET PREGNANT. UMM.. not the way it works)
Two weeks ago, before the lunch meat comment and the bloated belly I felt a desire to walk along side her. Poof. Now I am insane lady....
That's why I have been avoiding the blog. Cuz if I come here, I have to admit that I have dark sides to me that are yuck. And I am not as whole and centered as human being as I like to believe I am. And I believe that we are called to be there for one another. And I know, that if the tables were reversed, and she came alongside me, I would be humbled by her self-lessness.
So, now I am working on letting go. On dying to myself. To getting "me" out of they way, so that I can be truly Me. Cuz how I feel, doesn't feel good. I want to be able to walk along side her in her grief and despair and in her joy and celebration that they finally got what they wanted. SHE IS ONE OF US! an infertile. I am not suppose to hate her. She put in her time, and grief, and tears, and heartache. Why can't I rejoice with her? If she can get pregnant after two years of trying, then maybe there is hope for us!!?
The other trigger was a co-worker of mine. She shared (a couple of months ago) that she was pregnant with her second. We was maybe 7 weeks along when she shared. Ugg. (The anger boils as I realize that my naivete is forever gone- I will never be able to confidently tell my boss and co-workers that I will be having a baby - when only 7 WEEKS ALONG!) Its not her fault, I know that. Again, I want to celebrate with her. But I am still broken. And, well, I am putting it all out there- cuz its blog world, and I can.
I am feeling left behind-
In this time of inactivity as we wait until we'll be in town long enough to do our first iui, I am feeling left behind.
And I can't help but wonder, if I will be one of the unlucky ones. That never gets their miracle. There are not guarantees. And that is a reality that I am still learning to deal with.
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