I've found my way back to being a bit more centered after my melt-down last might.
Reminding myself that it is all part of the healing process. Trying to have some grace for myself and how the grief manifests itself.
The hard part is, is that I SO SO want to feel self-less joy for my dear friend and the new life that is being created. I WANT WANT WANT to feel that. And instead, my own wants cloud over the unrestrained joy, and instead it is filled up with envy and selfishness. And I don't like how that feels- not one bit.
My rational mind last night was trying to give me some perspective- reminding me that it only takes one positive result from POAS (well, and several u/s) for my luck to change. And would I want my friend feeling as angry and envious as I did last night? Oh, lord, take away from my envy...
*************
Cl.omid is done, day 5 of taking it was today. and I feel great (will the bad side effects kick in later, or will I be lucky enough to escape the wrath of clom.id?) Tomorrow is cd10 bloodwork. Hoping it all comes back with good results.
****************
Paradigm shift. I was doing some googling last night- and read some stats that I either hadn't read before or had forgotten about. Was reading about miscarriage statistics. And the more I read, the more I was encouraged. Basically, the chances of having a third miscarriage are not that much higher. For example, one article said that a women has a 20% chance of miscarriage in her first pregnancy and an equal chance in her second. For a third pregnancy, the chances are only slightly higher- like 25%. After a third miscarriage is when the numbers really rise- like a 40% chance of miscarrying again after 3 previous miscarriage (exact numbers might be a bit off, but still- It gave me hope. If I get pregnant, my chances of staying pregnant on the third time far outweigh the chance I will miscarry. I can live with those odds.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Raw
The wound is slow to heal. Sometimes I wonder if it ever will heal. That big gaping emptiness in me- loss. The two children that were to be ours. Gone. The wound is slow to heal. Most days, I can bury, cover it up and go on with my life. I think I have been coping lately by unconsciously convincing myself that I really want my life as I have it now- extra spendable cash, free time, flexibility, my career and what it might become. I have been convincing myself that it might be hard to create space in that life for a family.
But one phone call, reminds me that that is just a facade. My best friend called tonight- she is 15 weeks pregnant. And I am reminded, as I sob on my husbands shoulder, that more than anything I want that. I want to create life with my husband who I love so much. I want to be able to share in the planning, and dreaming, and hoping for who this little one of ours will become. I want to fall in love all over again with him as he talks to our child, who is only a bunch of cells, and kisses my belly. I want to be able to go in for a 6 week u/s and be joyful and naive, not terrified.
.... I want to know how our story will end. I am so afraid that it won't end the way I want it to.
I am grateful for my friend's gentleness, I know it was hard, I know it was hard for her to tell me. She couldn't have been any gentler, but man, it still hurts to the deepest places in me. Tonight, I feel raw. Absolutely raw.
But one phone call, reminds me that that is just a facade. My best friend called tonight- she is 15 weeks pregnant. And I am reminded, as I sob on my husbands shoulder, that more than anything I want that. I want to create life with my husband who I love so much. I want to be able to share in the planning, and dreaming, and hoping for who this little one of ours will become. I want to fall in love all over again with him as he talks to our child, who is only a bunch of cells, and kisses my belly. I want to be able to go in for a 6 week u/s and be joyful and naive, not terrified.
.... I want to know how our story will end. I am so afraid that it won't end the way I want it to.
I am grateful for my friend's gentleness, I know it was hard, I know it was hard for her to tell me. She couldn't have been any gentler, but man, it still hurts to the deepest places in me. Tonight, I feel raw. Absolutely raw.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Time
I am amazed how fast these days have been going. There are many mini- steps on the way to the IUI and it breaks it up so it seems to go faster. Only two more days of clomid, and then my day 10 b/w and then my day 13 u/s and then injection, etc. etc. There are mini milestones to look forward to.....
But then the IUI and it all stops. Nothing for 14 days. I can tell you now, that is not going to be good.
I am thinkin' I really should try to fill my schedule with fun things those 14 days.
*********************
I am feeling good- really good actually. I have headaches- and they aren't pleasant, and sometimes pretty bad, but otherwise I feel so good that its hard to complain.
I felt hopeful today. It started yesterday, and spilled over today. I feel hopeful. Sometimes when that hope creeps up, I start to get anxious. But I am okay with that for now. For today, I am hopeful.
But then the IUI and it all stops. Nothing for 14 days. I can tell you now, that is not going to be good.
I am thinkin' I really should try to fill my schedule with fun things those 14 days.
*********************
I am feeling good- really good actually. I have headaches- and they aren't pleasant, and sometimes pretty bad, but otherwise I feel so good that its hard to complain.
I felt hopeful today. It started yesterday, and spilled over today. I feel hopeful. Sometimes when that hope creeps up, I start to get anxious. But I am okay with that for now. For today, I am hopeful.
Friday, September 18, 2009
RE Apptointment and why I love my husband even more
A 2nd consultation with a RE and I fall in love even more with my husband.
He literally skipped out of the office, like a school boy at recess. This is the second time he has done this, and my heart overflows with love.
When I asked why, he said he loved that we are actually doing something. He says "We're doing it wifey. We are gettin' things done." He just kept saying how good he felt about the appointment. He came out of the first meeting the same way. And I love him all the more for it. I love that he is 100% in this with me- all of him. I love that he is 100% in this because he want to create family. Our family. I love that it matters to him as much as to me. I don't think I could ask for anything more.
The appointment did go well. I had more confidence in this doctor. Maybe the 1st doctor, Dr. Penelope, would have been just as good, but I walked away with the trust that was lacking in the first meeting.
She was mostly matter of fact, but enough of a human side that she wasn't off putting. We covered a lot of ground. And she was answering questions I had before I even asked them. I actually learned from her (and I consider myself very well-informed.) I didn't feel like I learned much from Dr. P. So- I am pleased and glad it worked out this way.
Tidbits from the meeting (in no organized fashion)-
So far I have been completely impressed with the compassion and customer service of the nurses, lab techs, receptionist, and billing person.
Dr. grass is greener isn't at all concerned about DH semen analysis results. That was probably the most surprising news and the best news we could receive. She is not considering it as part of our problem. She says that, while there are differing opinions, she said experience is showing that morphology numbers are less and less important. When looking at the numbers she said, quote "not bad."
She did ask about DH chemo three years ago. but seemed to agree with what the oncologists take that the chemo shouldn't be our problem.
So,- the focus is on me. My heart got a bit heavy when I re-remembered that we have to resolve TWO issues- 1) the fact that we are not getting pregnant easily (TTC for near two years) AND 2) that if I get pregnant we don't know what will happen. I realized I have been living in denial - I have only focused on the difficulty getting pregnant. This was a clear reminder that we don't yet know what will happen if I do get pregnant. argh.
She first leaned towards testing for causes of the miscarriages, but then backed off and admitted that even if diagnosed there aren't a lot of easy treatments- other than extra folic and low-dose aspirin which I can do anyways.
she said that she can probably get a look at my uterus mostly just from u/s and so i don't have to do the sono- something or other right away.
She said that I have lots of antral follicle (spelling? did I get that word right) which is good. And I don't show the classic signs of PCOS. My left ovary was small and difficult to see- something might be going on there but she isn't concerned, but it still had a very healthy number of follicles on that one too.
We had a great conversation about endometriosis(my mother had it) and she put my mind at ease on that.
IVF was talked about more than I was comfortable with (yet). but the odds are definitely better with IVF- 20$ approx for IUI and 70% for IVF (apprx. for our situation). But if we are in that 30% and shelled out the money, I don't know if I can live with that.
I feel like I could keep typing. It was informative. She still wants for me to do the clomid challenge test. And being we are doing clomid, we might as well do an iui. And then we'll reassess. So, next step is clomid starting tomorrow for 5 days, blood work on cd10 and u/s on cd13. And then we'll go from there....
He literally skipped out of the office, like a school boy at recess. This is the second time he has done this, and my heart overflows with love.
When I asked why, he said he loved that we are actually doing something. He says "We're doing it wifey. We are gettin' things done." He just kept saying how good he felt about the appointment. He came out of the first meeting the same way. And I love him all the more for it. I love that he is 100% in this with me- all of him. I love that he is 100% in this because he want to create family. Our family. I love that it matters to him as much as to me. I don't think I could ask for anything more.
The appointment did go well. I had more confidence in this doctor. Maybe the 1st doctor, Dr. Penelope, would have been just as good, but I walked away with the trust that was lacking in the first meeting.
She was mostly matter of fact, but enough of a human side that she wasn't off putting. We covered a lot of ground. And she was answering questions I had before I even asked them. I actually learned from her (and I consider myself very well-informed.) I didn't feel like I learned much from Dr. P. So- I am pleased and glad it worked out this way.
Tidbits from the meeting (in no organized fashion)-
So far I have been completely impressed with the compassion and customer service of the nurses, lab techs, receptionist, and billing person.
Dr. grass is greener isn't at all concerned about DH semen analysis results. That was probably the most surprising news and the best news we could receive. She is not considering it as part of our problem. She says that, while there are differing opinions, she said experience is showing that morphology numbers are less and less important. When looking at the numbers she said, quote "not bad."
She did ask about DH chemo three years ago. but seemed to agree with what the oncologists take that the chemo shouldn't be our problem.
So,- the focus is on me. My heart got a bit heavy when I re-remembered that we have to resolve TWO issues- 1) the fact that we are not getting pregnant easily (TTC for near two years) AND 2) that if I get pregnant we don't know what will happen. I realized I have been living in denial - I have only focused on the difficulty getting pregnant. This was a clear reminder that we don't yet know what will happen if I do get pregnant. argh.
She first leaned towards testing for causes of the miscarriages, but then backed off and admitted that even if diagnosed there aren't a lot of easy treatments- other than extra folic and low-dose aspirin which I can do anyways.
she said that she can probably get a look at my uterus mostly just from u/s and so i don't have to do the sono- something or other right away.
She said that I have lots of antral follicle (spelling? did I get that word right) which is good. And I don't show the classic signs of PCOS. My left ovary was small and difficult to see- something might be going on there but she isn't concerned, but it still had a very healthy number of follicles on that one too.
We had a great conversation about endometriosis(my mother had it) and she put my mind at ease on that.
IVF was talked about more than I was comfortable with (yet). but the odds are definitely better with IVF- 20$ approx for IUI and 70% for IVF (apprx. for our situation). But if we are in that 30% and shelled out the money, I don't know if I can live with that.
I feel like I could keep typing. It was informative. She still wants for me to do the clomid challenge test. And being we are doing clomid, we might as well do an iui. And then we'll reassess. So, next step is clomid starting tomorrow for 5 days, blood work on cd10 and u/s on cd13. And then we'll go from there....
Comfort food
My eating has been out of control. Comfort eating I am sure. But why? It has taken a few days for me to finally stop and ask the question- what feeling(s) am I trying to cover up with food?
am I just struggling being back in the country with all of our affluence and waste?
am I worried about yolle and her family situation?
am I nervous about moving foward with iui?
am I maybe just a bit lonely and needing some quality time with friends?
I don't know what it is, but i need to find my center again. I need to tap into making good chioces cuz I sure don't feel good right now.
am I just struggling being back in the country with all of our affluence and waste?
am I worried about yolle and her family situation?
am I nervous about moving foward with iui?
am I maybe just a bit lonely and needing some quality time with friends?
I don't know what it is, but i need to find my center again. I need to tap into making good chioces cuz I sure don't feel good right now.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Mary! She will pray for you.
(Disclaimer #1: I know that people come from all different perspectives, beliefs, and life experiences when it comes to what they believe. This is my space to be able to be honest and transparent and that is what I try to do most of the time. I invite honest comment and dialogue, but be a bit gentle as I am sorting this out through writing it. Disclaimer #2 This is long.)
Absolute faith.
100% certainty.
Confident without a doubt.
This is not my faith. This is not the spirit i have when I pray. Sometimes I wish it was....
My work takes me out of the country multiple times a year. I work with amazing partners in this very poor country, and have friends and colleagues that have become like family to my husband and I. We come back humbled every time we spend time there just by being in the presence of people who are trying to end the tragedy of the poverty cycle, one day, one person, one prayer at a time. It is humbling. One man in particular, John has over the years become a friend to us. He is an american, but has lived there for 35 years. He has worked all these years with an organization that is very well-known and respected in the field that I work. Several years ago, he and his wife, Mary, started a small church in the village where his wife is from. I know of his wife, met her in passing, but haven't gotten to know her as well.
In this past visit, my husband traveled with me. We spent the weekend in the village with a family who belongs to John's church. As we sat at the kitchen table one night, somehow my husband began to share about our two miscarriages with this women, we were staying with. I was so appreciative of this women's response- without skipping a beat she said with almost a sense of urgency and excitement- "Mary! She will pray for you." It was as if she just knew that what we needed was for Mary to pray. She then, a bit embarrassed by her forthrightness, asked to make sure it would be okay if she asked Mary to pray for us. I said of course. The conversation changed directions and we carried on with the weekend. I told DH later that i had found myself oddly comforted by her response. It was indeed forthright- unlike the usual- "I'll pray for you" more automated response. She felt compelled to ask Mary to pray.
On Sunday we all went to this church in the village. It was good to be back as we haven't been there in some time. I am still a learner of the language so the long church service wore me out and at the end I was ready to say a quick goodbye to our friend John and head out. We got caught chit chatting with members as they stopped to greet us and soon the church was near empty. DH spotted John and led me over to him. Something must have stirred in my husband because he got to talking with with John, and soon he was again sharing of our struggle to grow our family and our two miscarriages. Sometime during this conversation we are joined by a women- and I realize that it is John's wife- Mary. Praying Mary. Mary listened to my huband tell our story, and then shared her story with us- 10 years of TTC. Infertility issues in both her and John. They adopted two children. Years go by. And she gets pregnant. The doctors don't understand how. She had a little girl. And just a few years later she gets pregnant again, and has another girl. They too shower us with compassion and ask if they can pray. And pray they did. Before starting to pray, she went out into the hallway and returned with two young women. She said, I have asked my daughters (now grown) to join us in prayer as they are the living proof that God can work miracles. And they prayed passionately. It was a canned or scripted prayer- they prayed with fervor. (Not a word that is used often, but I don't know how else to describe it). And I found comfort in being covered in prayer....... And they prayed specifically for God to bless us with a pregnancy.
And this is where I cringe. This is where my heart and my mind collide as I tell the story.
how can they pray that? how can they believe that? how can they lead me to hope for that? what about all the dear women in my life and in blogland that pray fervently and are prayed for fervently that will never hold a child in their arms?
shouldn't we just pray for God's will to be done? or pray that in whatever happens that God will be there with us? That is the only way I can muster to pray.
Or do I pray that way because it safer? because it actually requires less faith on my part and I don't have to go so far out on the limb? do I worry that I won't know what to do if ...if..the answer to the prayer never comes.
I wrestled with this when DH was diagnosed with cancer. I never prayed that God would heal him. I just couldn't. Because I know the statistics. I have known too many people that have been taken by this terrible disease. And I couldn't bring myself to pray for healing. I could only pray that God would walk with us whatever happened.
I don't know the answers to these questions. I don't think there really are answers to these questions in the way I would like. But I do think asking the questions is important- because I am trying to figure out what it means to be that I am a person of faith. And can I go out on the limb as far as Mary when I pray.....?
Absolute faith.
100% certainty.
Confident without a doubt.
This is not my faith. This is not the spirit i have when I pray. Sometimes I wish it was....
My work takes me out of the country multiple times a year. I work with amazing partners in this very poor country, and have friends and colleagues that have become like family to my husband and I. We come back humbled every time we spend time there just by being in the presence of people who are trying to end the tragedy of the poverty cycle, one day, one person, one prayer at a time. It is humbling. One man in particular, John has over the years become a friend to us. He is an american, but has lived there for 35 years. He has worked all these years with an organization that is very well-known and respected in the field that I work. Several years ago, he and his wife, Mary, started a small church in the village where his wife is from. I know of his wife, met her in passing, but haven't gotten to know her as well.
In this past visit, my husband traveled with me. We spent the weekend in the village with a family who belongs to John's church. As we sat at the kitchen table one night, somehow my husband began to share about our two miscarriages with this women, we were staying with. I was so appreciative of this women's response- without skipping a beat she said with almost a sense of urgency and excitement- "Mary! She will pray for you." It was as if she just knew that what we needed was for Mary to pray. She then, a bit embarrassed by her forthrightness, asked to make sure it would be okay if she asked Mary to pray for us. I said of course. The conversation changed directions and we carried on with the weekend. I told DH later that i had found myself oddly comforted by her response. It was indeed forthright- unlike the usual- "I'll pray for you" more automated response. She felt compelled to ask Mary to pray.
On Sunday we all went to this church in the village. It was good to be back as we haven't been there in some time. I am still a learner of the language so the long church service wore me out and at the end I was ready to say a quick goodbye to our friend John and head out. We got caught chit chatting with members as they stopped to greet us and soon the church was near empty. DH spotted John and led me over to him. Something must have stirred in my husband because he got to talking with with John, and soon he was again sharing of our struggle to grow our family and our two miscarriages. Sometime during this conversation we are joined by a women- and I realize that it is John's wife- Mary. Praying Mary. Mary listened to my huband tell our story, and then shared her story with us- 10 years of TTC. Infertility issues in both her and John. They adopted two children. Years go by. And she gets pregnant. The doctors don't understand how. She had a little girl. And just a few years later she gets pregnant again, and has another girl. They too shower us with compassion and ask if they can pray. And pray they did. Before starting to pray, she went out into the hallway and returned with two young women. She said, I have asked my daughters (now grown) to join us in prayer as they are the living proof that God can work miracles. And they prayed passionately. It was a canned or scripted prayer- they prayed with fervor. (Not a word that is used often, but I don't know how else to describe it). And I found comfort in being covered in prayer....... And they prayed specifically for God to bless us with a pregnancy.
And this is where I cringe. This is where my heart and my mind collide as I tell the story.
how can they pray that? how can they believe that? how can they lead me to hope for that? what about all the dear women in my life and in blogland that pray fervently and are prayed for fervently that will never hold a child in their arms?
shouldn't we just pray for God's will to be done? or pray that in whatever happens that God will be there with us? That is the only way I can muster to pray.
Or do I pray that way because it safer? because it actually requires less faith on my part and I don't have to go so far out on the limb? do I worry that I won't know what to do if ...if..the answer to the prayer never comes.
I wrestled with this when DH was diagnosed with cancer. I never prayed that God would heal him. I just couldn't. Because I know the statistics. I have known too many people that have been taken by this terrible disease. And I couldn't bring myself to pray for healing. I could only pray that God would walk with us whatever happened.
I don't know the answers to these questions. I don't think there really are answers to these questions in the way I would like. But I do think asking the questions is important- because I am trying to figure out what it means to be that I am a person of faith. And can I go out on the limb as far as Mary when I pray.....?
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Done
TODAY's TO DO LIST:
Call RE to tell them today is CD1 ----- DONE
Schedule CD3 U/S and bloodwork (added bonus the U/S is with Dr. Grass is greener, my new RE)----- DONE
Schedule CD10 Bloodwork ----- DONE
Make sure all these appointments work with your already busy work week ----- DONE
Cancel Today's Job Interview ----- DONE (okay, this had nothing to do with it being CD1, except that I decided instead of pursuing this new 3 month teaching job, I would just focus on health and my other dreams for the next three month. Agony making the decision, but huge relief once the decision was made).
Done- all of it is done. Relieved. Excited. Hopeful.
Trying not to put all my hope in one outcome.
Call RE to tell them today is CD1 ----- DONE
Schedule CD3 U/S and bloodwork (added bonus the U/S is with Dr. Grass is greener, my new RE)----- DONE
Schedule CD10 Bloodwork ----- DONE
Make sure all these appointments work with your already busy work week ----- DONE
Cancel Today's Job Interview ----- DONE (okay, this had nothing to do with it being CD1, except that I decided instead of pursuing this new 3 month teaching job, I would just focus on health and my other dreams for the next three month. Agony making the decision, but huge relief once the decision was made).
Done- all of it is done. Relieved. Excited. Hopeful.
Trying not to put all my hope in one outcome.
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