Unexpected

"What is faith? Faith is being grasped by the power of love. Faith is recognizing that what makes God is infinite mercy, not infinite control; not power, but love unending. Faith is recognizing that if at Christmas Jesus became like us, it was o that we might become more like him. We know what that means: watching Jesus heal the sick, empower the poor, and scorn the powerful, we see transparently the power of God at work. Watching Zacchaeus climb the tree a crook and come down a saint, watching Paul set out a hatchet man for the Pharisees and return a fool for Christ, we know that our lives too can become channels for divine mercy to flow out to save the lost and the suffering."

-Will.iam Sl.oane Co.ffin
Credo
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My default state, if I am honest, is to ask "why me?" I find myself grieving because I don't want this journey that I am on. I want it MY way. The way I had planned it.

This reading above was used as part of our church service recently and it so spoke to me. So often I am looking for the ways in which God is in control, or for things to be fixed, or made right. And in fixating on that, I miss the ways in which I am "grasped by the power of love" in the process. I had a conversation today in an unexpected place, with a unexpected friend about infertility. And I was overcome with peace in the midst of that conversation. Unexpected peace. And I was reminded the ways in which we and others around us become "channels of divine mercy" that flows out around us... so often in the unexpected.

And I keep fighting to find and stay in this center...

Ugg

****UPDATED- So 1 hour later the storm has passed a bit since writing this and I am realizing after cleaning up the mess from sobbing on DHs unexpected shoulder that this was probably more of a hormone-induced freak out session than I thought at the time. I am feeling a bit more like me. Not that the heart of this emotion isn't valid- so I will leave it unedited it for you to experience it in all its rawness. Ugg.

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I don't feel very good. It's partly physical, but that's not entirely it. Physically I feel "ugg", but my mental state and spiritual states are "ugg" as well.

I realized tonight that have I have been in this space before. Not too long ago. I feel the same tonight as I did during the wait in between finding out I was pregnant for the second time and waiting until 8 weeks for my 1st ultrasound. The wait to know if the second time would be any different then the first.

Tonight I feel like just saying "i'm done- i can't do this anymore and I don't want to do this anymore." done. And as I said that in my head, I flashbacked to the last time I felt like this- that waiting period in my 2nd pregnancy. I felt this exact same way. Not sure if I could go on with the wait. Not sure if was, am, strong enough to go through this. Berating myself that i am so weak as to not fight for something (I thought) I wanted so badly. I am so ready to just give up. to let go of it all. I don't know if I want it badly enough. I don't know if I am capable of surrendering. And I know that is what I need to do. To let go and know that I DON'T HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER ANY OF THIS. The control I "think" I have in day to day life, is actually just made-up. I really have no ability to control how any of this is going to end. And I am not okay with that.

I thought i would be able to find a centered place in going through this infertility journey. A place of not holding to a certain outcome, a place of taking each day as it come, a place of some-what letting go. i don't think i am capable of that.

Add in a healthy dose of hormones to throw me out of whack, and i am a mess tonight.

After the IUI

first off- thanks so much for the comments on my last post. It helps so much to not feel so alone on this journey.

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i'm a little cranky today. i don't feel great- maybe allergies, maybe clomid and such, maybe i am just tired.

i wasn't expecting to have the iui take so much out of me that day- emotionally but also the cramping was constant for the next 24 hours. it wasn't a cramping i was used to- not really AF cramps, not really miscarriage cramps, different. I am cramping all day today- but if feels like AF cramps. Even though I am only 3 days past iui. Sounds like from what google tells me this is normal.

most of the time, these past several days, i just don't care about any of this. i don't believe this will work, thus i just don't care. Defense mechanism I know. i think I am also realizing "what the heck did we just do? we are trying to get pregnant?!!!!" having had two consecutive miscarriages, the idea of intentionally trying to get pregnant seems plain ol' absurd if I really think about it. I don't know if I am prepared for the first 7-12 week wait again.

anyways. feeling a bit blue. wishing our path in life looked different than it does. Praying and trying to trust that in the end, the darkness will be transformed into something more beautiful than I can imagine. ..hard to imagine at this point what that could be.

And the bottom falls out of my box of hope

So much for textbook. Today's IUI#1? Not so textbook. i am tired tonight, so I don't know how detailed or coherent this post will be. But, in a nutshell.

We (well, ahem, DH actually) was running late today for the deposit of his sample. I went with to "help." Well, it was nerve wracking for him and awkward and took a long time. But we got it done.

Fast forward two hours later, me with a full bladder and feet in stir rups. DH off to work. Doctor comes in and says the numbers are not good- only 3 million post wash (factoring out poor motility ones). They want to see 10 million or more. Ouch. I think only 26 million for concentration is i heard the doc correctly. Even Dh semen analysis was closer to 70 million. And the bottom fell out of my box of hope. .....

I wasn't expecting the actual insemination to be that big of a deal. I was a little worried about it hurting, but it didn't- not at all. But in the moment I was actually overcome with fear, dread, and a deep sense of feeling very alone on that table with my feet in the stir-ups surrounded by two techs and a doctor.

Maybe it was the reality that my ideas of what "making a baby" involved, will not be reality for us? Maybe i had to face the fact that when it all comes down to it, i really don't have control over any of this- no matter how textbook this cycle has been? As I laid back, feet in stir-ups i had to admit to myself that none of this is in my hands.

If i had written this post earlier today, I was feeling so low about the feel of the whole day that I really was considering being done on this road. i know that is short sighted, but come on- sometimes this all seems absurd. but then again, what are my options?

And so the swimmers are in, but only a tiny army. At least it has helped me lower my expectations for this cycle. time will tell.

A note to self (to be read in 14 days)

Note to self:

In 14 days, when you wake up bright and early to POAS from your first IUI cycle, just remember, TTC is a journey. The journey has ups and downs and at time it feels like you are moving backwards instead of making progress. But don't lose site of the dream, the purpose of all of it. The IUI statistics are not in your favor for only one IUI cycle, it can take time. Don't be surprised or discouraged when you don't see the two pink lines. This is a process, don't give up. Time will tell, and I need you to stick with this for the long haul.

Don't give up.

Could have, but didn't

There are so many things that can go wrong in the process of journeying from desire to having a child to actually having a child. And even in the short little journey from CD1 on a Clomid/HCG injection/IUI cycle to insemination- there are so many things that could go wonky and not work according to plan.

This cycle has been textbook. To the T perfect. And while I have to remind myself that that doesn't guarantee the ultimate outcome that I desire, I still am beyond grateful right now that, so far, things are going 100% on plan.

My Cl.omid Cha.llenge test passed with flying colors. Clo.mid hasn't been evil for me like the horror stories I feared. In fact, I have felt really really good. Today, cd 13 I went in for my u/s: I have been educating the husband along the way (and he has been an eager student, which I love!). And I was telling him all the things that COULD happen- my follicles could be poor responders to the medicine, and we would have to cancel, my follicles could be not ready yet, I could have too many follicles to proceed safely, I could have already ovulated. And I am sure there are other possibilities for what "could" have happened today. But none of that happened.

Today was textbook- perfect. My endometrium (right word?) looks great. I have two follicles on the right, measuring nice and plump and one on the left. I saw them right way- and was grinning ear to ear. Absolutely joy.

It was nice to, for a change, be on the u/s table with the dim lights, watching the screen, and feeling joy instead of sorrow.

My shot will be tonight at 10pm. IUI at 10am on Tuesday. Yee haw!!! Here we go- another wild ride.

(p.s. Okay, my only hesitation is this: do I really want three plump follicles? Two I know is good, but three? Um....yikes. The "what ifs" are scary to think about)

Take that Clo@#%$%(mid Chall!#@#$@enge Test

My FSH today was, and I quote the nurse "excellent, really really good, both cd3 and cd10 were just how we like to see it." Her name was cathy (I think), and i don't know enough people at the clinic yet to even place if I know who she is. But I could just hug her- she called with semi-trivial information about an FSH number, and she truly seemed excited and relieved for me. And I have only had one real appointment there so far so its not like she could know me personally. I am a stranger to her, an id number on a lab slip. And yet, she just was so..so.. just what I needed to hear. I wish I had saved the voicemail.

And, I am thrilled to have another test behind us and have good results. I know that it only gives us a little bit more information- and there are still so many unknowns. but for today, it is adding to my hopefulness.