I have stopped checking the TP for spotting when I wipe. I am not sure when I stopped, sometime in the past week or so.
I don't think I was entirely aware of how ingrained of a habit it had become, until I stopped doing it.
A well formed habit after far too many miscarriages, waiting for AF, waiting and more waiting.
I have looked at so much tp in my three years TTC.
It is freeing actually- to no longer be afraid of the toilet paper. A small sign of some bigger inner healing happening on this crazy journey.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
24 weeks
How Far Along? 24 weeks
Maternity Clothes? Yep.
Weight Gain? Too afraid to check; Lately I have been starting to feel big. (Updated: I bit the bullet and got on the scale. Gain is 22.5; I know it is a normal part of pregnancy. Scale is not my friend though.)
Stretch Marks? No
Sleep? Really good. i'm a bit amazed actually.
Best Moment of the Week? We ordered some baby announcements to send out to a few people who don't know yet and they arrived in the mail this week. Made DH and I smile.
Movement? yes, daily. feels like an alien in me, rolling over and over and over.
Food Cravings? i like fruit. bubbly drinks. peanut butter.
Gender? will know in 16 weeks (give or take a few)
What I miss? My wedding rings, I strongly dislike tight rings, so haven't been wearing them
Symptoms: Sinuses and allergies are rough, but not keeping me down. Otherwise, I feel good.
What I'm looking forward to? A bunch of hand me downs a friend will be bringing over. And looking forward to making progress on my to-do list.
Weekly Wisdom: Enjoy today.
Milestones: viability- crazy to think that a) I've reached this point and b) that babies born this young can survive
Emotions: Total scatterbrain. I can't get anything done at work. I feel like I am in a fog, running in circles. So unlike me.
Maternity Clothes? Yep.
Weight Gain? Too afraid to check; Lately I have been starting to feel big. (Updated: I bit the bullet and got on the scale. Gain is 22.5; I know it is a normal part of pregnancy. Scale is not my friend though.)
Stretch Marks? No
Sleep? Really good. i'm a bit amazed actually.
Best Moment of the Week? We ordered some baby announcements to send out to a few people who don't know yet and they arrived in the mail this week. Made DH and I smile.
Movement? yes, daily. feels like an alien in me, rolling over and over and over.
Food Cravings? i like fruit. bubbly drinks. peanut butter.
Gender? will know in 16 weeks (give or take a few)
What I miss? My wedding rings, I strongly dislike tight rings, so haven't been wearing them
Symptoms: Sinuses and allergies are rough, but not keeping me down. Otherwise, I feel good.
What I'm looking forward to? A bunch of hand me downs a friend will be bringing over. And looking forward to making progress on my to-do list.
Weekly Wisdom: Enjoy today.
Milestones: viability- crazy to think that a) I've reached this point and b) that babies born this young can survive
Emotions: Total scatterbrain. I can't get anything done at work. I feel like I am in a fog, running in circles. So unlike me.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Milestone: The last u/s
Today was our last u/s. We have gotten to take a peek at the kid at (if I recall correctly from memory) 6wk, 8wk, 10wk, 19wk, and 23wk. If all goes as planned, the next time we see the kid he/she will be in our arms.
At my 19wk (19wk3days) they weren't able to get a perfect pic of the heart, and the doctor suggested a follow up, given this is an IVF baby. I guess there is some data some where that makes IVF babes higher risk.
It was offered as optional. I am not entirely convinced our baby is higher risk (and I don't think the doc was either). But We took them up on the offer, cuz, heck it was another glimpse of baby. But to be honest? there was a part of me that was truly ready to be done with ultrasounds. (Believe me, I too am shocked to be saying that). This u/s was different than any of the other ones- in that I wasn't nervous, I was just content and as always a bit curious. It was far more routine and not at all a roller coaster of emotions.
U/s were my security blanket at first- I held my breath from u/s to u/s. I feared history repeating itself in that dark room, lying on a table, only to be given bad news. But as the belly grows and now that I can feel the kid moving daily, plus we hear the heartbeat at the midwives regularly, I'm glad, and very ready, to be done (hopefully) with ultrasounds. I feel like I am ready to have that chapter behind me. I am ready to just trust in the journey.
Highlights from the day-
More than ever the kid looks like an actual baby, and no longer an alien (I mean that with all motherly affection)
Ouch, Ouch, ouch. Ultrasounds can hurt- the tech was pushing and prodding so hard at times and for so long- it was over an hour long u/s (and the majority of it was not much on the screen I could discern what it was) Although we did get a couple of good pics (I'll post later)
Everything looks perfect according to the dr and our quad screening came back a few weeks ago also showing no concern for any of the genetic diseases they test for
I don't know what amazes me more- the fact that the kid went from a few cells to 1.5 pounds in only 23 weeks or the fact that in the next 17 weeks it will go from 1.5 to 8-9 pounds. Both are hard to fathom.
all in all, it is safe to say I am living in a constant state of absolute awe.
At my 19wk (19wk3days) they weren't able to get a perfect pic of the heart, and the doctor suggested a follow up, given this is an IVF baby. I guess there is some data some where that makes IVF babes higher risk.
It was offered as optional. I am not entirely convinced our baby is higher risk (and I don't think the doc was either). But We took them up on the offer, cuz, heck it was another glimpse of baby. But to be honest? there was a part of me that was truly ready to be done with ultrasounds. (Believe me, I too am shocked to be saying that). This u/s was different than any of the other ones- in that I wasn't nervous, I was just content and as always a bit curious. It was far more routine and not at all a roller coaster of emotions.
U/s were my security blanket at first- I held my breath from u/s to u/s. I feared history repeating itself in that dark room, lying on a table, only to be given bad news. But as the belly grows and now that I can feel the kid moving daily, plus we hear the heartbeat at the midwives regularly, I'm glad, and very ready, to be done (hopefully) with ultrasounds. I feel like I am ready to have that chapter behind me. I am ready to just trust in the journey.
Highlights from the day-
More than ever the kid looks like an actual baby, and no longer an alien (I mean that with all motherly affection)
Ouch, Ouch, ouch. Ultrasounds can hurt- the tech was pushing and prodding so hard at times and for so long- it was over an hour long u/s (and the majority of it was not much on the screen I could discern what it was) Although we did get a couple of good pics (I'll post later)
Everything looks perfect according to the dr and our quad screening came back a few weeks ago also showing no concern for any of the genetic diseases they test for
I don't know what amazes me more- the fact that the kid went from a few cells to 1.5 pounds in only 23 weeks or the fact that in the next 17 weeks it will go from 1.5 to 8-9 pounds. Both are hard to fathom.
all in all, it is safe to say I am living in a constant state of absolute awe.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
23 Weeks
How Far Along? 23 weeks
Maternity Clothes? Yep.
Weight Gain? Not sure this week
Stretch Marks? No
Sleep? Good. No complaints.
Best Moment of the Week? Starting to prepare the kid's room, installing the bookshelf in the closet
Movement? yes, daily. And much more frequently than last week. I actually wasn't expecting that I would feel movement constantly throughout the day at this point. I love it. DH felt a poke/jab from the outside for the first time on Saturday.
Food Cravings? Still a bit picky, but all in all pretty normal; Apples and watermelons are my friends
Gender? Waiting to be surprised.
What I miss? Can't think of anything
Symptoms: Pretty uneventful. Some heartburn, but can't detect a pattern or a rhyme or reason as to when I get it and when I don't; and pollen allergies are out control. Otherwise, no aches or pains or any complaints
What I'm looking forward to? Ordered some samples from the online Blinds store- finally getting around to ordering blinds for our room and the kid's room. Also excited to make progress on other things on my growing "to-do" list.
Weekly Wisdom: Can't think of anything...
Milestones: Friends lent us their Arms Reach crib. We picked it up from them this week. As soon as we finish a few more things on our to-do list we'll be able to set it up.
Emotions: Tears of joy and sappiness flow without warning at times, blame it on hormones
Maternity Clothes? Yep.
Weight Gain? Not sure this week
Stretch Marks? No
Sleep? Good. No complaints.
Best Moment of the Week? Starting to prepare the kid's room, installing the bookshelf in the closet
Movement? yes, daily. And much more frequently than last week. I actually wasn't expecting that I would feel movement constantly throughout the day at this point. I love it. DH felt a poke/jab from the outside for the first time on Saturday.
Food Cravings? Still a bit picky, but all in all pretty normal; Apples and watermelons are my friends
Gender? Waiting to be surprised.
What I miss? Can't think of anything
Symptoms: Pretty uneventful. Some heartburn, but can't detect a pattern or a rhyme or reason as to when I get it and when I don't; and pollen allergies are out control. Otherwise, no aches or pains or any complaints
What I'm looking forward to? Ordered some samples from the online Blinds store- finally getting around to ordering blinds for our room and the kid's room. Also excited to make progress on other things on my growing "to-do" list.
Weekly Wisdom: Can't think of anything...
Milestones: Friends lent us their Arms Reach crib. We picked it up from them this week. As soon as we finish a few more things on our to-do list we'll be able to set it up.
Emotions: Tears of joy and sappiness flow without warning at times, blame it on hormones
Saturday, July 2, 2011
I painted the baby's room...
...three years ago.
Three years ago, I painted the room that I prayed would someday soon be for our child. I painted it just a few months after our first miscarriage. The room was (and still is) DH's office and our guest room. For months and months after that first miscarriage I begged, pushed, and pleaded with DH to let me paint that room. Work was crazy busy for him and he didn't understand why I would want to tear up his office (and make a mess of the house) in order to paint the room, in light of the fact that we were no longer pregnant so there was no longer any urgency to the task.
I finally reached the peak of my intersection of grief and desperation and ended up melting in a sobbing puddle on the floor one day. I was able to finally find the words, and he was able to hear me, that if I couldn't have our beloved baby in my arms, DAMN IT, I at least I should get the pleasure of still painting the room. I at least deserved that.
He heard me and held me in his arms. That weekend in September 2008 I painted the room. And it was just what I needed at the time.
But that painted room has also continually been a lingering place of grief- a symbol of dreams unfulfilled. Of tears shed. Of hopes, crushed.
Two years later, during a particularly hopeful time, I bought a bookshelf for that room. Looking back, I don't know why I was feeling hopeful then. We were almost three years into TTC with no end in sight. No savings in our bank in order to move on to IVF or adoption. No answers. And no viable option laid ahead of us. And yet hope was returning to my heart. When I blogged about it at the time- I wrote about how ridiculous hope seems at times.
Today DH and I started pealing back the layers of clutter that have amassed in DH's office/guest room, the room that will be our baby's very soon. The bookshelf that I bought, 9 months ago, has been stored in our garage all this time as I needed a) DH to clean the office b) move the guest bed out in order to c) rip out the current shelving in the closet so we could install this new bookshelf in there.
Once again, I don't think DH understood at first why I have been so insistent on getting this project started. Until...until the tears started falling. As he is ripping out the last of the shelving in the closet, he turned around to unexpectantly find tears quietly running down my cheeks as I stood there watching him (they are flowing again just typing this). All I could whisper in between the tears was, "We have wanted this for so long..."
I am often left speechless when I think back on this past 3 1/2 years. The path through miscarriages and TTC was the darkest time I have known in my life. And yet seemingly insignificant gestures like painting that "damn" room and buying that bookshelf seemed to keep me going. They were gestures that carried with them an outward expression of the little bit of hope I could hang on to. And that hope, even when it seemed so faint, is the only thing that kept me going.
Three years ago, I painted the room that I prayed would someday soon be for our child. I painted it just a few months after our first miscarriage. The room was (and still is) DH's office and our guest room. For months and months after that first miscarriage I begged, pushed, and pleaded with DH to let me paint that room. Work was crazy busy for him and he didn't understand why I would want to tear up his office (and make a mess of the house) in order to paint the room, in light of the fact that we were no longer pregnant so there was no longer any urgency to the task.
I finally reached the peak of my intersection of grief and desperation and ended up melting in a sobbing puddle on the floor one day. I was able to finally find the words, and he was able to hear me, that if I couldn't have our beloved baby in my arms, DAMN IT, I at least I should get the pleasure of still painting the room. I at least deserved that.
He heard me and held me in his arms. That weekend in September 2008 I painted the room. And it was just what I needed at the time.
But that painted room has also continually been a lingering place of grief- a symbol of dreams unfulfilled. Of tears shed. Of hopes, crushed.
Two years later, during a particularly hopeful time, I bought a bookshelf for that room. Looking back, I don't know why I was feeling hopeful then. We were almost three years into TTC with no end in sight. No savings in our bank in order to move on to IVF or adoption. No answers. And no viable option laid ahead of us. And yet hope was returning to my heart. When I blogged about it at the time- I wrote about how ridiculous hope seems at times.
Today DH and I started pealing back the layers of clutter that have amassed in DH's office/guest room, the room that will be our baby's very soon. The bookshelf that I bought, 9 months ago, has been stored in our garage all this time as I needed a) DH to clean the office b) move the guest bed out in order to c) rip out the current shelving in the closet so we could install this new bookshelf in there.
Once again, I don't think DH understood at first why I have been so insistent on getting this project started. Until...until the tears started falling. As he is ripping out the last of the shelving in the closet, he turned around to unexpectantly find tears quietly running down my cheeks as I stood there watching him (they are flowing again just typing this). All I could whisper in between the tears was, "We have wanted this for so long..."
I am often left speechless when I think back on this past 3 1/2 years. The path through miscarriages and TTC was the darkest time I have known in my life. And yet seemingly insignificant gestures like painting that "damn" room and buying that bookshelf seemed to keep me going. They were gestures that carried with them an outward expression of the little bit of hope I could hang on to. And that hope, even when it seemed so faint, is the only thing that kept me going.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Strange moments in pregnancy
I can see, (and touch!), the bottom of my belly button it has gotten so shallow.
Weird.
Weird.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
22 weeks
How Far Along? 22
Maternity Clothes? Yep.
Weight Gain? 18.5;
Stretch Marks? No
Sleep? Good. No complaints.
Best Moment of the Week? Midwife appointment- Loved the midwife, love hearing hb; Also got a pair of matching pj bottoms in the mail (one for me and one for baby) that my lil sister sewed for us
Movement? yes, daily.
Food Cravings? Still more picky of an eater than non-pregnant taste buds, but nothing t0o major
Gender? Waiting to be surprised.
What I miss? My family; My sister just had a baby and she lives near my parents and all the cousins. Makes me sad that our baby won't have that growing up as we have no relatives where we live.
Symptoms: None really. No aches or pains (other than my sore uterus which worries me but doesn't bother me). A little bit of heartburn, but not a big deal.
What I'm looking forward to? I see the midwife again in 4 weeks and then the frequency increases to appointments every two weeks
Weekly Wisdom: My sister (who now has a newborn and a two year old) reminded me that these next several months (4 to be exact) are my last months entirely to myself. My world will permanently change. (She would know- speaking from the thick of it). She reminded me to fully enjoy this time. It was a good reminder to be present in the now rather than solely thinking about time when baby is here.
Milestones: Feeling movement
Emotions: A little stressed surrounding my job. But loving summer so far and a slower pace in our household schedule.
Maternity Clothes? Yep.
Weight Gain? 18.5;
Stretch Marks? No
Sleep? Good. No complaints.
Best Moment of the Week? Midwife appointment- Loved the midwife, love hearing hb; Also got a pair of matching pj bottoms in the mail (one for me and one for baby) that my lil sister sewed for us
Movement? yes, daily.
Food Cravings? Still more picky of an eater than non-pregnant taste buds, but nothing t0o major
Gender? Waiting to be surprised.
What I miss? My family; My sister just had a baby and she lives near my parents and all the cousins. Makes me sad that our baby won't have that growing up as we have no relatives where we live.
Symptoms: None really. No aches or pains (other than my sore uterus which worries me but doesn't bother me). A little bit of heartburn, but not a big deal.
What I'm looking forward to? I see the midwife again in 4 weeks and then the frequency increases to appointments every two weeks
Weekly Wisdom: My sister (who now has a newborn and a two year old) reminded me that these next several months (4 to be exact) are my last months entirely to myself. My world will permanently change. (She would know- speaking from the thick of it). She reminded me to fully enjoy this time. It was a good reminder to be present in the now rather than solely thinking about time when baby is here.
Milestones: Feeling movement
Emotions: A little stressed surrounding my job. But loving summer so far and a slower pace in our household schedule.
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