3/14/08
(My first ultrasound showed an empty sac. Dr. wanted me to wait and do another ultrasound. She said it was too early. But I knew at this point it would not end well...)
Text book grief:
Did I cause this? Did I will this to happen? Was I not grateful enough? Was it the supplements? Was it because I stopped talking the supplements?
How is it that I feel like I new this would happen today? Or am I just a worry wart? I hate that feeling. Intuition or obsessive worry? I just don’t know. It makes me feel inadequeate.
I love you PS- and I will miss you if you leave us, but I know I will be okay with that part. It just feels like a cruel game messing with my need to have some sort of path to follow right now. Find a job? Stay in status quo? HELLO!!?? Where are you f&^%^&%ing leading me in all of this Universe? I’m tired of trusting.
I am impatient. I feel like the clock is ticking in life. Why do I feel like that.
Wait three weeks for an ultrasound. Then maybe we’ll know what’s happening. Maybe. And then wait some more to see if I miscarry. Then healing time. Then trying again. I can’t go through this.
3/14/08
March 14, 2008
To note to self:
You are loved, you know that? You are safe and protected and loved more than you know. And you are provided for- in all things. You don’t need to have it all figured out, you don’t need to make this safety bubble and hide yourself from the pain and disappointment of the world. You are an adult, capable, a learner, and your soul is light.
Breathe
Live
Bu The child like side of me says:
But this isn’t how I wanted things to be. I want things to be my way- just for once, just for a little bit. I don’t have enough energy to keep doing it. My soul tired. Hold me please. I am so tired of crying- my eyes are puffy, my face is read, I am so so tired of crying. And I am crying just because I want it my way. I know I am being a little girl in all of this, but come on. When does it end.
Cancer, terrible professors in grad school, loss of our daughter Yolle, and now this. What the feck. WHAT THE FECK! I am angry. I want it my way.
I called my DH Mr. Hallmark today- but I know he speaks some truth:
He reminded me:
"Accept what life gives you. The universe will keep trying to teach you the lessons you need, open your hands and your spirit to receive"
I do- I do want to release the grip I have on wanting life to be my way. But damn it!!! The grief is too much. Too too much.
I don’t want to hold and grasp and grip- but I am afraid of letting go.
Oh, tears, please stop flowing. . l
Journal entry after the miscarriage:
4/8/08
I’ve known you, I’ve had you in my life for 39 days, a little over 5 weeks- 10 weeks 4 days according to doctors math.
I don’t want to forget your story-
I promise I will seek in all that I do to bring your light to the world.
What will you show me from this dark, cold, uncomfortable, difficult place
I don’t want to feaer love, I want light, and hope in the future-
Friday, March 14, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Journals from Pregnancy #1
Journals from The First Pregnancy
2/22/08
A little plastic stick, just out of curisotiy. It measures a hormone in my body. A hormone that is only in my body for a specific reason. The second line, forming a plus sign was faint. Dr. google tells me that positive is positive- but I still am skeptical. I’d be at 3 1/2 weeks. At four weeks, the culprit of all this hubabaloo will be the size of a poppy seed. I tell my DH I hope it sticks. He tells me its not like its snow.
Its an increase in HCG. Its not even the size of a poppy seed. How is it that I already have so much love for this creation. I know its early, but we created this. And I love my DH and the little poppy seed all the more.
3/22/08
To the cells growing inside of me: we call you PS. When we first learned of you, your mama read that you were barely the size of a poppy seed. The name stuck- I have been absolutely in love and absolutely terriefed from the day I learned about you. A bundle of cells, a missed period, two pink lines on a plastic stick- and our lives have changed. I have changed. I have been terriefed of losing you- and your poppa reminds me that this is just the beginning. As much as I want to grip and control and keep you safe and well- I can’t entirely do it. You are not mine- you are a creation of our Creator, entrusted to me. I have lost some, a lot of my innoncence in these past years- I know darkness. I know we are not immune from its reaches. I can find myself terrified of its grasp. And yet, in this knowing, I have also known light. And that light is . . is.. life.
So, little PS, my prayer today, and every day that I have the gift of having you in my life, I want to allow the light in-
I read a story- it brough tears to my eyes of a young mom, she didn’t get pregnant as easily as your dad and I did- but finally she did. Her heart swelled as mine has as she grew to love her little one- a boy- and for 36 weeks she celebrated that gift of life. But his life ended, before he even had a chance to live life- for no known reason- the darkness we fear and try to outrun grasped him- and she weeps tonight. But as I read her thoughts as she told her story- she said she wanted to celebrate the light that this little one brought to her life. Even in his short time with them- light. Even as she grives, she acknowledges that which she can grasp- light. So tonight, PS, I thought I would reflect on all the ways you have already brought light to my life in just a few short weeks:
- watching your poppa overflowing with joy
- feeling poppa’s warm lips against my pudgy belly as he tells you are story, and asks how you are doing, and tells of his great love for you
- realizing my heart’s capacity to love- I love your poppa more than I thought possible- and now you, a little stranger.
- learning to trust that my body has been created to give light in this way- the creation of light, from a little poppy seed, to a change maker in the world, a beacon of light, a servant, a gift giver.
- learning to take life at a pace suitable for today
- loving that my body is nauseous, and sore, tried, and pudgy- all in order to sustain you-
2/22/08
A little plastic stick, just out of curisotiy. It measures a hormone in my body. A hormone that is only in my body for a specific reason. The second line, forming a plus sign was faint. Dr. google tells me that positive is positive- but I still am skeptical. I’d be at 3 1/2 weeks. At four weeks, the culprit of all this hubabaloo will be the size of a poppy seed. I tell my DH I hope it sticks. He tells me its not like its snow.
Its an increase in HCG. Its not even the size of a poppy seed. How is it that I already have so much love for this creation. I know its early, but we created this. And I love my DH and the little poppy seed all the more.
3/22/08
To the cells growing inside of me: we call you PS. When we first learned of you, your mama read that you were barely the size of a poppy seed. The name stuck- I have been absolutely in love and absolutely terriefed from the day I learned about you. A bundle of cells, a missed period, two pink lines on a plastic stick- and our lives have changed. I have changed. I have been terriefed of losing you- and your poppa reminds me that this is just the beginning. As much as I want to grip and control and keep you safe and well- I can’t entirely do it. You are not mine- you are a creation of our Creator, entrusted to me. I have lost some, a lot of my innoncence in these past years- I know darkness. I know we are not immune from its reaches. I can find myself terrified of its grasp. And yet, in this knowing, I have also known light. And that light is . . is.. life.
So, little PS, my prayer today, and every day that I have the gift of having you in my life, I want to allow the light in-
I read a story- it brough tears to my eyes of a young mom, she didn’t get pregnant as easily as your dad and I did- but finally she did. Her heart swelled as mine has as she grew to love her little one- a boy- and for 36 weeks she celebrated that gift of life. But his life ended, before he even had a chance to live life- for no known reason- the darkness we fear and try to outrun grasped him- and she weeps tonight. But as I read her thoughts as she told her story- she said she wanted to celebrate the light that this little one brought to her life. Even in his short time with them- light. Even as she grives, she acknowledges that which she can grasp- light. So tonight, PS, I thought I would reflect on all the ways you have already brought light to my life in just a few short weeks:
- watching your poppa overflowing with joy
- feeling poppa’s warm lips against my pudgy belly as he tells you are story, and asks how you are doing, and tells of his great love for you
- realizing my heart’s capacity to love- I love your poppa more than I thought possible- and now you, a little stranger.
- learning to trust that my body has been created to give light in this way- the creation of light, from a little poppy seed, to a change maker in the world, a beacon of light, a servant, a gift giver.
- learning to take life at a pace suitable for today
- loving that my body is nauseous, and sore, tried, and pudgy- all in order to sustain you-
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