Struggling to hope

February 22, 2009

I have been struggling with hope

I even googled it-
What does it mean to have hope?
Am I called to hope? And to hope in what?

I feel like it is naïve to have hope that a bambino will result from this pregnancy.

And as I wrestled with this, I came to this centered place.

I hope that God is glorified in this journey, what ever that may be

I hope that God is glorified in his breaking me to his will

I hope that God is glorified in the patient surrender I practice each day along this journey and the many more that are to come

I hope that God is glorified in our desire to create life together out of the abundant love he has given us.

I hope….

Reliving my first miscarriage all over again

February 8, 2009

I see blood streaming from me when I shower. I know I am just imagining it- rather- I am reliving it.

The fear is real today. The peace I had felt isn’t as real today.

Its weird, but its like I am afraid of GOING THROUGH the miscarriage again, but not afraid of the miscarriage.

Be still and know that I am God

Disbeleif, joy, glee, fear, and disbelief all at once

February 4, 2009

I keep looking at it. Over and over and over. I can’t stop. I am overcome with disbelief, joy, glee, fear and disbelief all at the same time.

I keep looking at it. Do I think it will disappear if I stop looking?

My prayer is that every day I offer up my gratitude that my body knows what it is doing. And I will trust, whatever that means.

I surrender to you universe. I am on a journey, that I can not will or force into submission. It will be what it will be, and I will learn whatever I can from it.

Peeing on a stick has now changed my life twice- one in feb. 09 and last year in feb. 08.

It is in the dying that life is created

January 24, 2009

I have been reflecting (and relearning) a lot lately on how the universe will give us the lessons we need for that moment. And I think back to losing PS. There are so many “deadlines” I had artificially created, that some how if as long as I was pregnant again by x date, all would be right in the world…..little did I know…… But somehow, through all of this, I am grateful for each death.

Oh, how I longed to be pregnant again by what would have been PS’s due date.

And my period came. And I grieved deeply, but I survived.

Oh how I longed to be pregnant again by the time my little sister had her baby.

And my period came again. I took a deep breath and survived.

Oh how I longed to be pregnant by the time I held my new niece in my arms.

And my period came once again. And I died a bit, and survived.

Oh how I longed to wrap my grown "daughter" Yolle in my arms and keep her my little girl forever. And she shared the news she is with child.

And my period came. And I breathed a bit deeper.

Oh how I longed to be pregnant by the anniversary of PS’s conception…and so I wait….

All of these experiences are part of what I need to die to myself, so that I can live.

It is in the dying that life is created.

Life, give me breath.

Peace in the new year

January 6, 2009

So I write… cuz I don’t know what else to do.

Peace.

That is what I want this year. I do not have the energy to keep hoping. I do not have the energy to ask for more hope. I ask only for peace.

I don’t know what hope looks like. Or feels like. Or even means. But I know peace. That is what I ask. That you I might soften and open and have peace stir up in me- peace.

Peace that I am worthy of all good that comes my way in the universe. Peace that it will not always look how I want it to. peace to know that that in itself is a good thing. Peace in knowing I am not a failure. Peace in knowing that I can be content with however my life looks.

But, oh, how I doubt...

But there is not other option- cuz I don’t like living how I am right now-

I need to stop wrestling

Unexplained Grief

December 12, 2008

Time Heals

Or so they say

So why does it hurt even deeper?

Why am I even more raw now than I was 8 months ago?

Why does it hurt so much today?

It is not an anniversary, it is not the first day of yet another period,

I probably don’t want to admit what it is

My baby sister had her first baby.

I hear the squeaks of a new born baby- my neice, - in the background on the phone while talking to my mom, and the grief stabs so deeply, I have to choke back the emotions. Joy flows through the phone from the other end as I hear my mom content as can be while cradling her new granddaughter. And I am reminded what we lost…………

Where does this path lead?

November 29, 2008

Having trouble getting out of bed today.
Feeling a little ho hum.

Could be several things..

My period is coming. I was really hopeful this month. I know there is a plan for my life, but the unknowns are killing me. (tears flowing….) Sigh. I know, I need to let it go, but oh, the heart still throbs with a bit of heartache. Of what would of, should have been. On how I failed to keep PS safe. On how I am failing to create life once again. (more tears….)

The economy is scary. I truly am pep talking myself into believing it will all work out. But it is scary. My job, DH’s job- is tenuous at best. And currently I have taken on more jobs than I a can handle. What have I done? What am I doing? Where does this path lead? Do I have the courage to follow?