And the bottom falls out of my box of hope

So much for textbook. Today's IUI#1? Not so textbook. i am tired tonight, so I don't know how detailed or coherent this post will be. But, in a nutshell.

We (well, ahem, DH actually) was running late today for the deposit of his sample. I went with to "help." Well, it was nerve wracking for him and awkward and took a long time. But we got it done.

Fast forward two hours later, me with a full bladder and feet in stir rups. DH off to work. Doctor comes in and says the numbers are not good- only 3 million post wash (factoring out poor motility ones). They want to see 10 million or more. Ouch. I think only 26 million for concentration is i heard the doc correctly. Even Dh semen analysis was closer to 70 million. And the bottom fell out of my box of hope. .....

I wasn't expecting the actual insemination to be that big of a deal. I was a little worried about it hurting, but it didn't- not at all. But in the moment I was actually overcome with fear, dread, and a deep sense of feeling very alone on that table with my feet in the stir-ups surrounded by two techs and a doctor.

Maybe it was the reality that my ideas of what "making a baby" involved, will not be reality for us? Maybe i had to face the fact that when it all comes down to it, i really don't have control over any of this- no matter how textbook this cycle has been? As I laid back, feet in stir-ups i had to admit to myself that none of this is in my hands.

If i had written this post earlier today, I was feeling so low about the feel of the whole day that I really was considering being done on this road. i know that is short sighted, but come on- sometimes this all seems absurd. but then again, what are my options?

And so the swimmers are in, but only a tiny army. At least it has helped me lower my expectations for this cycle. time will tell.

A note to self (to be read in 14 days)

Note to self:

In 14 days, when you wake up bright and early to POAS from your first IUI cycle, just remember, TTC is a journey. The journey has ups and downs and at time it feels like you are moving backwards instead of making progress. But don't lose site of the dream, the purpose of all of it. The IUI statistics are not in your favor for only one IUI cycle, it can take time. Don't be surprised or discouraged when you don't see the two pink lines. This is a process, don't give up. Time will tell, and I need you to stick with this for the long haul.

Don't give up.

Could have, but didn't

There are so many things that can go wrong in the process of journeying from desire to having a child to actually having a child. And even in the short little journey from CD1 on a Clomid/HCG injection/IUI cycle to insemination- there are so many things that could go wonky and not work according to plan.

This cycle has been textbook. To the T perfect. And while I have to remind myself that that doesn't guarantee the ultimate outcome that I desire, I still am beyond grateful right now that, so far, things are going 100% on plan.

My Cl.omid Cha.llenge test passed with flying colors. Clo.mid hasn't been evil for me like the horror stories I feared. In fact, I have felt really really good. Today, cd 13 I went in for my u/s: I have been educating the husband along the way (and he has been an eager student, which I love!). And I was telling him all the things that COULD happen- my follicles could be poor responders to the medicine, and we would have to cancel, my follicles could be not ready yet, I could have too many follicles to proceed safely, I could have already ovulated. And I am sure there are other possibilities for what "could" have happened today. But none of that happened.

Today was textbook- perfect. My endometrium (right word?) looks great. I have two follicles on the right, measuring nice and plump and one on the left. I saw them right way- and was grinning ear to ear. Absolutely joy.

It was nice to, for a change, be on the u/s table with the dim lights, watching the screen, and feeling joy instead of sorrow.

My shot will be tonight at 10pm. IUI at 10am on Tuesday. Yee haw!!! Here we go- another wild ride.

(p.s. Okay, my only hesitation is this: do I really want three plump follicles? Two I know is good, but three? Um....yikes. The "what ifs" are scary to think about)

Take that Clo@#%$%(mid Chall!#@#$@enge Test

My FSH today was, and I quote the nurse "excellent, really really good, both cd3 and cd10 were just how we like to see it." Her name was cathy (I think), and i don't know enough people at the clinic yet to even place if I know who she is. But I could just hug her- she called with semi-trivial information about an FSH number, and she truly seemed excited and relieved for me. And I have only had one real appointment there so far so its not like she could know me personally. I am a stranger to her, an id number on a lab slip. And yet, she just was so..so.. just what I needed to hear. I wish I had saved the voicemail.

And, I am thrilled to have another test behind us and have good results. I know that it only gives us a little bit more information- and there are still so many unknowns. but for today, it is adding to my hopefulness.

Day after my melt-down

I've found my way back to being a bit more centered after my melt-down last might.

Reminding myself that it is all part of the healing process. Trying to have some grace for myself and how the grief manifests itself.

The hard part is, is that I SO SO want to feel self-less joy for my dear friend and the new life that is being created. I WANT WANT WANT to feel that. And instead, my own wants cloud over the unrestrained joy, and instead it is filled up with envy and selfishness. And I don't like how that feels- not one bit.

My rational mind last night was trying to give me some perspective- reminding me that it only takes one positive result from POAS (well, and several u/s) for my luck to change. And would I want my friend feeling as angry and envious as I did last night? Oh, lord, take away from my envy...

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Cl.omid is done, day 5 of taking it was today. and I feel great (will the bad side effects kick in later, or will I be lucky enough to escape the wrath of clom.id?) Tomorrow is cd10 bloodwork. Hoping it all comes back with good results.

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Paradigm shift. I was doing some googling last night- and read some stats that I either hadn't read before or had forgotten about. Was reading about miscarriage statistics. And the more I read, the more I was encouraged. Basically, the chances of having a third miscarriage are not that much higher. For example, one article said that a women has a 20% chance of miscarriage in her first pregnancy and an equal chance in her second. For a third pregnancy, the chances are only slightly higher- like 25%. After a third miscarriage is when the numbers really rise- like a 40% chance of miscarrying again after 3 previous miscarriage (exact numbers might be a bit off, but still- It gave me hope. If I get pregnant, my chances of staying pregnant on the third time far outweigh the chance I will miscarry. I can live with those odds.

Raw

The wound is slow to heal. Sometimes I wonder if it ever will heal. That big gaping emptiness in me- loss. The two children that were to be ours. Gone. The wound is slow to heal. Most days, I can bury, cover it up and go on with my life. I think I have been coping lately by unconsciously convincing myself that I really want my life as I have it now- extra spendable cash, free time, flexibility, my career and what it might become. I have been convincing myself that it might be hard to create space in that life for a family.

But one phone call, reminds me that that is just a facade. My best friend called tonight- she is 15 weeks pregnant. And I am reminded, as I sob on my husbands shoulder, that more than anything I want that. I want to create life with my husband who I love so much. I want to be able to share in the planning, and dreaming, and hoping for who this little one of ours will become. I want to fall in love all over again with him as he talks to our child, who is only a bunch of cells, and kisses my belly. I want to be able to go in for a 6 week u/s and be joyful and naive, not terrified.

.... I want to know how our story will end. I am so afraid that it won't end the way I want it to.

I am grateful for my friend's gentleness, I know it was hard, I know it was hard for her to tell me. She couldn't have been any gentler, but man, it still hurts to the deepest places in me. Tonight, I feel raw. Absolutely raw.

Time

I am amazed how fast these days have been going. There are many mini- steps on the way to the IUI and it breaks it up so it seems to go faster. Only two more days of clomid, and then my day 10 b/w and then my day 13 u/s and then injection, etc. etc. There are mini milestones to look forward to.....

But then the IUI and it all stops. Nothing for 14 days. I can tell you now, that is not going to be good.

I am thinkin' I really should try to fill my schedule with fun things those 14 days.

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I am feeling good- really good actually. I have headaches- and they aren't pleasant, and sometimes pretty bad, but otherwise I feel so good that its hard to complain.

I felt hopeful today. It started yesterday, and spilled over today. I feel hopeful. Sometimes when that hope creeps up, I start to get anxious. But I am okay with that for now. For today, I am hopeful.