CD 3 BW

Normal. Perfect. Oh, this phone call made me happy. My nurse called earlier today than I was expecting and said my estrogen (estradiol?) was just where they wanted to see it (120 something I think she said). I just love phone calls like that- when it all goes so well.

Last night's injections were a bit rough. Lup.ron and Folli.stim went fine. but Menopur is just not cooperating. In the end, we spillt half the dose by accident, called the on call doctor, and fretted all night long. But a conversation with one of the nurses this morning and she put my mind totally at ease. And helped me to see were were being far too much of perfectionist when it came to bubbles in our syringe. So, I am feeling a lot more confident about tonight. Then tomorrow is a full busy day at work, and then Wednesday we have BW and our first U/S since we started stimming. hoping the good news keeps coming.

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My younger sister is pregnant, (my MUCH younger sister). I've written about this before. This is her second baby. She is very young, no financial security and an on and off again boyfriend. I have made (or am making) peace with all of it and can occasionally even ask her about the pregnancy, etc. And I adore my niece, her first child. Today was my sister's u/s to find out the gender of her second. And I have been fretting this day. And it is for a silly and selfish reason.

After her first daughter was born, and by then I had had two miscarriages, one day some how we got talking about baby names. DH and I have a boy and a girl name picked out. Always have. We love the names and they have deep meaning for us. The boy's name is after my dad. I love my dad, I love who he is, and I love the name. Turns out, so does my sister. She told me that that was the name they had been considering if they had had a boy with their first baby. This conversation took place quite a while ago, and at the time, a second child wasn't in my sisters short-term plans so I didn't give it much thought. So fast forward to today and she is 20 weeks pregnant. And I have secretly been fretting about the gender of this baby since I learned she was pregnant. I just wasn't sure if my heart could handle it if not only was she having a second child before we even had one, but if she was having a little boy that she would name after our dad. Sigh. It's petty, and yet it means so much to me on so many different levels. And I know how much she loves me and I know it is possible she would have chosen a different name out of love and respect for me. But I was fretting all of it. I couldn't imagine ever asking her to not use that name. It just didn't seem fair. If she has the first grandson, then she should be free to name him whatever she likes.

I got a text message from her today while I was at work. ....

I am going to be an Aunt to .......another lil' Niece.

How Romantic!

During this IF journey, I remember when we were contemplating IVF, but not yet ready. I remember feeling grief. Grief that our baby wouldn't be conceived during a spontaneous (or even planned for that matter), romantic evening of my husband and I making love. I felt like we were being jipped that it involved medical professionals, stirrups, petrie dishes, and lots of expensive drugs. And to be honest there were even times that I felt angry about it- why couldn't we be like all the other couples out there.

Granted, if I could write our story, I'd probably not opt to do it this way. But I have to say that so far, I am not experiencing the grief or anger I thought I would. DH and daily find our selves in awe of what science can do--- and grateful we have the option to have science help us. The daily injections have in their own way brought DH and I even closer, and I feel like he is fully apart of making this baby with me. (Corny, I know) And even though our brand of babymaking involves watching videos on Foll.istim injections, bloodwork, ultrasounds, and an anesthesiologist, I am actually in awe of the kind of miracle that we are working for. I don't feel like it is any less amazing then the surprise pregnancy I had hope for. In actuality, given we know the cards are stacked against us with endo, sperm issues, and RPL, I think I am even more in awe that in the end we could still actually have a baby.

So yes, it is most definitely a different kind of romance and intimacy, but so far I don't feel the grief that I thought would feel in taking this path.

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Endo pain started getting slowing, but progressively better yesterday and this morning it is SO MUCH BETTER. I can still feel my grapefruit size endometrioma bumpin' around in there- but I feel back among the living.

Also did our three injections last night. Wasn't too bad at all. BUT- we got carried away cleaning the garage and lost track of time. We were supposed to do them nightly between 7-9pm, and didn't do it until 1040pm. AAAHH!! Talk about stressed out. I hope that isn't that big of deal. Ugg.

Ugg.

I've been doing a pretty good job of taking it a day at a time.  I've, for the most part, stopped counting and recounting the days on the calendar.  And I am amazed a bit by how quickly things have gone so far.  One month ago I was impatiently waiting for AF to arrive and get the show on the road and I thought if felt like it was taking an eternity (heck, I even felt that last week).  Three weeks ago BCP started, and last night was the last night of only lupron.  Tonight stimming begins.  We could be doing the retrieval in just a week and a half from now.

The last 24 hours have been rough though. Given I had a light period, I had hoped I'd avoid the usual excruciating endo pain.  But that wasn't the case.   And oh it bad.  It still amazes me that the body can hurt that bad and that it doesn't mean I'm not dying.  It just seems so wrong. It has eased up a bit today, but I don't forsee leaving the couch anytime soon.

One of the reasons we jumped into IVF sooner than we had planned, is becuase of the endo diagnosis and the pain. Getting pregnant should give me a break for the pain for a while, as would having surgery. But given getting pregnant is our end goal, we decided to make that the priority as surgery would only delay things. But every cycle I don't get pregnant I am going to go through this. And to be honest, I am not sure how many more times I can handle this pain.

So my anxiety is up today as I am realizing the stakes are feeling a bit higher on this cycle. And I am realizing how physcially and emotionally tough an IVF cycle is. I will just continue to pray that I have the strength to do this one day at a time. And not get too caught up in worrying about whether I have it in me to deal with another endo pain epdisode AND going through another fresh cycle all over again.

Ugg.

Wish me luck on three different pokes to the belly tonight.  If I was a pharmacist, I think I'd invent a way to inject all the meds combined in one syringe at one time.

Hubby quote of the night

"Wifey, will you still love me.....even after jabbing you with all these needles?"
Ha!

1 year older

It's my birthday.  My birthdays in recent years have been pretty hard.  But I am very aware of the fact that I, for a change, feel immensely content.  It has been a long long time since I have felt this content on my birthday.  Three years of Miscarriages, infertility, and the dreaded "advanced maternal age" marker approaching have a way of casting a cloud on what should be a wonderful day.  Last year especially I was a wreck on my birthday-  a sobbing wet puddle.  I wish I could go back in time and hug that self and assure her she was going to be okay, truly.

But today, I feel deep joy and gratitude.  I truly have hope that by my next birthday we'll have or be closer to having a family. DH is cooking dinner for me, I am taking the morning off of work tomorrow and going to acupuncture.  I insisted that DH not spend any more on me for my birthday (because we have spent far enough lately with this whole IVF adventure- Hon, let's just call that my present and say we're good. ha!)  And I truly feel content.

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AF is here, I think, well wait a sec.
It's more than just spotting, but not as heavy as it normally is.  So I called my nurse, just to see what they count as the start of my "actual' period.  (I love trying to explain the characteristics of AF while working in cubicle land at work.) And she said I am good to go.  So we are officially starting stims Saturday.
300 iu folli.stim
75 men.opur
5 lupron

My husband is in love with all of you

Seriously, you all keep me sane, and for that reason my husband thinks all of you are amazing. And so do I.

There just aren't words to adequately say thanks for walking this journey together. Your comments were so spot on, and as they trickled in my inbox and I read them out loud to my husband, he would grin, sometimes tear up, and just cusp my face in his hands and tell me how grateful he was that I have all of you in my life.

I love that he gets "this"- this blog land stuff. And I think all the comments helped him relax a bit too.

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Work is busy right now. And I am grateful for the distraction. The week is flying by for the most part. I am starting to get meeting requests for the week of the ER, and I feel like I am running out of excuses for why I don't want to schedule anything.

Waiting for my period to come. It started out as spotting, but now it is defineltly more than spotting but not flowing enough to actually call it the start of my period. It has to arrive by Friday/Saturday in order for my to start my stims. Crossing my fingers.

Suppression Check; Low Follicle Count?

I just don't know where to start. Cuz I don't know exactly what I am feeling. I am probably feeling so much that it is hard to sort out sometimes.

This is all a roller coaster. I feel it already and I am barely into it. And oooohhh, I want to keep my zen and let things roll off with me, go with the flow, etc, etc.

But I feel prone to being battered to and fro. And today really wasn't that big of a deal.

Today was suppression check. On a high note, it was a great experience at my clinic- every single staff interaction was just wonderful and I so needed that. It just felt good mojo and I felt like a real person to them.

The low of the day? I don't know- I guess I am just being reminded and reminded that this is a rocky road of ups and downs- NONE OF WHICH I HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER. The IVF calendar they map out for you is an illusion because it tells you what you have control over- "schedule this appointment on this day", "give this injection on these days", - and so on. BUT EVERYTHING ELSE IN BETWEEN IS OUT OF MY HANDS.

I think my follicle counts were low. I say I think because I also realized today that as much as I think I am really well versed in all this IVF stuff, I realized that I really don't know as much as I thought. They saw 7 follicles on my left and hard to say on my right- maybe 2. The endometrioma complicates things because a) they just can' see how many follicles may be there as they are hidden by the cyst and b) they can't predict if they will be able to receive some, all, or none of what might be in the right one. So we go into this half blind.

My nurse called later that day to say my doc is upping my stim dosage which starts saturday in order to start out more aggressive. It shouldn't matter to me, but I just feel like my heart sunk a little that WE HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED YET, AND ALREADY MY BODY IS FAILING ME.

Sorry if I am overacting. I am not really; I just feel like my arms are stiff armed clinging to the sides of the boat, praying I am not thrown overboard and washed out to see with whatever might be around the corner. I really really really want to stay centered and not feel like such a tiny timid boat being rocked in the crashing waves.

I know I am going to be okay. And I know that one adjustment in my meds isn't that big of deal. In my head I know this. But my heart and my emotions feels so frail at times.

Thanks for letting me vent. I feel better already.

3 more days of only lupron and then let the stims began!