MIdwife Appointment @ 39 weeks 6 days

I didn't have many questions today at my midwife appointment and lately these weekly appointments have been pretty boring as we are all pretty much waiting.  My blood pressure has been perfect all pregnancy, not much swelling, heartbeat has been strong, baby is head down and has stayed that way, our midwives don't really do cervical dilation exams-  so it has just been a waiting game.  I report on my symptoms, all which are normal.

But I love that it is time for me to just talk about the baby and the birth and get to know them and they get to know me.  I love all my midwives and really can't say that I have a preference which one I end up getting at the birth.

Today was helpful for a couple of reasons.

She explained that my extreme exhaustion is probably due to shifting hormones that are gearing up.  I had started feeling like maybe it was because I wasn't eating well enough, or because I had gotten lax on taking my iron supplement.  but she said it is normal which was reassuring to hear.

She also said that my increased milky vaginal discharge was normal and probably my mucous plug starting to deteriorate.  She said that not everyone will know when it is gone as it can just disingrate over time which I also appreciated learning. 

The underside of my belly has been excruciatingly sore lately- ligaments or muscles down there.  I'm fine with I am laying still or sitting still but walking, rolling over, standing/sitting are SO tender.  OOOooo!  She assured me it is normal which even though the knowledge of that doesn't provide me with relief from the pain, ut always feels like a weight off my shoulders to know that it is well within the norm.   I feel like I can cope with it better knowing that it is just part of the process in some pregnancies.

And she reminded me what dear blog friends reminded me on my last post-  and that is that this is sacred time to just take care of me and to take each day for what it is.  It is so true, and I was so so moved by the comments left on my last post.  Everything was exactly what I needed to be reminded of. Again, one of the many reasons this blog community means so much to me.

So, I'm off to take a nap, and then not sure-  but just enjoying not having an agenda to my day today. 

Joy overflowing?

You know that feeling when you were a kid, and Christmas was the next day, and you just couldn't contain you excitement? 

Or the feeling when it was the last day of school, and all you had left to do as a class was clean out your desks?  And the walk home felt so exhilarating because you knew the entire summer awaited?

That is how I think I SHOULD feel.  But instead-  I just feel a bit ...I don't know how I feel.  I'm not outright scared.  I'm not dreading what is to come.  I'm don't feel bad.... I just don't feel much.  And it is bothering me.

I feel like I SHOULD feel more.

Everyone around us is SO absolutely beside themselves, they are outright giddy with excitement.

I know when I look back on this post, that I will wish I had given myself more grace right now.  Because if I stop and think about it-  it isn't any surprise that I feel a bit in a blur right now.

We have waited for this for so long.  It has been four years since we decided we were ready for this.  four long dark y-e-a-r-s.

Both of our Due Dates from our two miscarriages were in October.  And I have yet to write my annual post about those loses.  October was twice the graveyard for hopes dashed.  And now we are here - again-  yet in a very different place in life. 

We are days away from holding our child in our arms.  A child I have carried in me for 39 weeks and 5 days so far.  A child I have prayed for, bargained with, pleaded for.  A child that takes my breath away if I really let myself acknowledge the depth of the love I have for this little one. 

And yet-  I think I remain guarded.  Unable to feel that overflowing joy of a kid before Christmas or before summer break.  Unable to let the flood gates open. 

I am holding back. 

I don't want to hold back.  I want for this little one to know my overflowing love for it, even while we await its arrival.  I don't want to feel like I SHOULD be feeling something more than I am. 

I don't want this little one to ever feel anything less from me than unbridled joy for every fiber of its being. 

I don't want the grief of yesterday to take away from any of this right now. 

I don't want to be holding back.

Commence maternity leave

As of 2:30pm today, I was out the door of my office and my maternity leave official has begun.  My head is spinning.

I have done some intense barganing with baby to at least stay put for 24 hours.  I so look forward to having a full day to do nothing.  Rather, a full day to do what I want to do and not be worried about work.

I'll also admit that I feel a flood of emotions about being done with my job ("done" meaning temporarily done-  I still may go back, I still may quit-  jury is still out though).  Well to be honest, I have had a flood of emotions about my job in general this pregnancy.  That was something I definitely didn't expect-  I loathed my job so intensely in the first part of my pregnancy.  Then there was a time period where it was fine, I could tolerate it-  didn't love it but didn't hate it.  And then this last trimester has been a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts-  I am sure mostly tied to me re-navigating my identity and what my career does or doesn't have to do with my identity. (Not to mention a big shake up in our office that has been insane). But bottom line-  my emotions have been all over the map when it comes to my career, this job, my dreams and thoughts for the future.  All over the map.  And I wasn't expecting that.  I truly thought if I were to get pregnant I would easily walk away from this job.  As it never was meant to be a long term gig..

I need a bit of time emotionally to decompress and step into this world of maternity leave.  Hoping the baby gives me a little time.  I will be taking 4 months off for maternity leave and I really feel like I am poised to be able to have clear boundaries with my office so that I don't get sucked in to doing work or answering umpteen questions while I am on leave. 

I am so so so treasuring this next window of time.  And I know that it is time I will never get back.

It is getting more and more real

39 Weeks (How is that even possible?!!)

How Far Along? 39 Weeks (how in the world did we get here.  I truly can't fathom it)

Maternity Clothes? Yep; some shirts are getting a bit short. Some pants are getting a wee bit snug :(  - I would love to just live in my yoga pants until baby arrives. :)

Weight Gain? Not sure; don't want to know right now.

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Same as it has been all pregnancy- wake up once every night. Not a big deal.

Best Moment of the Week? Clean carpets and a decluttered house.  Also loved my midwife appointment yesterday-  just love love love all three of my midwives.  .

Movement? Yes, but the quiet phases are getting longer (hours at a time).  I don't like when baby is quiet.

Food Cravings? Everything dairy; don't ask me why.

Gender? Will know so so soon.

What i miss? I definitely am starting to crave having my body back-  being able to exercise, bend at the waist, roll over in bed pain free.  No complaints-this is all small in the big scheme of things. I am grateful to be able to experience pregnancy, but also glad it is time limited and not a constant state of being.

Symptoms: Pelvic tenderness and (Warning - major TMI) major pressure on my rectal area.  It is the strangest feeling but the head feels like it is pressing right there.  Oh, the things I had never contemplated before.

Looking forward to: Last day of work on Thursday

Weekly Wisdom: Breathe,

Milestones: Major items on "preparing for baby" to-do list are done.

Emotions: Can't even begin to sum up the range of emotions.

Ready enough, I think

I think I feel ready.  Not emotionally (heck no), but ready from the perspective of my "to-do" list.  And there was a time not too many days ago that it felt like I'd never feel ready.  All the important things that I felt like HAD to happen before baby arrived are done:

• -Car seat bought and inspected (so grateful for free Car seat inspection drop-in day at our local hospital otherwise I would have never figured out how to get our base installed snugly)
• -Bassinet set up and sheets washed (we don't have a crib yet, but will figure that out when we need one)
• -Dresser purchased and moved into nursery
• -Baby clothes washed and sorted by size with enough clothes to get by in the newborn and 0-3month ranges
• -1 week of diapers on hand (we are starting with disposables and then switching to cloth at some point in the near future)
• -Supplies for me (nursing, who-ha care, etc)
• -I "think" we have all the basic supplies and gear (boppy, swing, bouncy seat, a couple of carriers, all hand-me-downs which is wonderful)
• -Overnight bags are (mostly) packed (I keep unpacking things and then forgetting if I repacked them so I really should double check)
• -Most critical stuff at work has been passed on to someone else (for the most part), even though I am technically working until this Friday
• -Carpets are clean, house is put back together
• -Car has an appointment on Wednesday to get a good detailing inside and out (no, it isn't critical that this be done before baby comes, but I will feel better getting it out of the way and I got a good deal on Grou.pon) 
• -Email list is compiled for "birth announcement"  (I am tickled that I also got our snail mail list of addresses for mailing birth announcements/xmas cards all ready to go-  I figured that might be hard to get done once baby is here so I got it all organized ahead of time)

With this done I no longer feel the panic of not being "ready".  Although there is plenty I would love to still get done before baby arrives, but none of it is on the critical list.  Now, during the waiting time I can just poke away at the list and not feel the pressure of it HAVING to get completed.  

Now if my emotions would just catch up and feel "ready" for what is to come we'd be good to go.

Nesting (?) and other random thoughts

I've been wondering lately whether nesting is myth or fact or something in between. I've heard many moms talk about in hindsight the insane cleaning they felt compelled to do right before labor started. I have had a nesting urge during this pregnancy, but it felt a lot stronger earlier on. Now my body feels so sore and tired, I can't even fathom an all out "nesting" episode.

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In our birth class, the first of the 11 (?) couples had their baby. They sent out pictures and a birth story. And I see the pic of mom and dad, sitting in the hospital bed, with newborn baby, everyone a glow, and I just can't imagine that will actually be us. Soon! The round belly with an alien inside of it seems so far disconnected from the concept of a wiggly, crying baby in my arms. I just can't fathom there actually being a baby- our baby- at the end of this. It still feels like something that only happens to other people. I don't know when or if it will ever feel real. ***********************************
Our carpets are cleaned. I am still so excited. But I will admit it has been a lot of work. I was in so much pain today in my pelvis and back from over doing it. and the house is SO unsettled as we let everything dry that DH and I are both discombobulated. But they look so nice and fresh and I am bound and determined to not let any clutter return when we start putting things back. It feels so good to have the rooms all emptied out.
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I've had some anxiety lately - a feeling that I should someone "feel" more ready, or "feel" more excited about how close we are to baby time. But going back to my previous thoughts shared, it just doesn't feel real. And as a result, I can't fathom the joy that is (from everything everyone tells me) just around the corner. I am really having a hard time imagining what is to come.

I love you Mr. Carpet Cleaner

We are having our carpets cleaned tomorrow morning and I am so giddy I can't contain myself. I love our lil home and we remodeled it almost from the bare bones when we bought it so there is love and sweat personally poured into every bit of it. I've used a friends home carpet cleaner a couple of times in the past, but this is the first time we've had it professionally done. And I am so excited. DH just rolls his eyes. And prepping for the carpet cleaner is plenty of work- and moving stuff off the carpet isn't really anything I can help with. So, I don't blame DH for not being enthusiastic as me- but grateful he is being a good sport. I don't know why, but it just feels like having the carpets cleaned is one of the Nesting rites of passage before baby comes. And it makes me feel like we are that much closer. Once carpets are cleaned I can really get things settled- where as so far, a lot of things have been 1/2 done as we were awaiting the carpets being cleaned. Thanks Mr. Carpet man for making my day.