One year ago today, we got our diagnosis.
Endometriosis.
That unexpected diagnosis changed the rules of the game and we unexpectedly headed straight to IVF/ICSI.
One year later, as I type this, baby girl is sleeping on my chest. And as I feel the weight of her little body on me, and feel the softness of her wispy hair on her tiny little head, I am in awe that we are here. Four long years, but we are here. It was a scary decision to jump into IVF- scary physically, emotionally, and financially. But I am so glad we did. There are no words.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Mastitis= cursing and absolute discouragement
Double Mastitis.
Which is just the icing on the cake of a long two weeks worth of a bazillion hurdles and barriers to breastfeeding. Where my motivation to stick with it is coming from, is beyond me. I have no idea why I haven't thrown in the towel. I am SO done with this mess in so many ways, but also am devastated by the idea of giving up.
Baby is fighting the breast right now. Pumping volume is dismal. We are barely hanging on.
And the thing that angers me is that the exhaustion and frustration I feel is robbing me of precious minutes with my baby girl. I want to enjoy and revel in every minute I can with her. And instead I am sore, tired, frustrated, and she is confused and fussy.
I don't know what will happen next. I am NOT ready to consider giving this up.
On the positive side- we weighed her today at the midwife clinic just to see how she was doing (she was really slow to gain weight in the first few days) and to my surprise she is now pretty much on track to regaining her birth weight in the two week period they want to see. So, struggle as we might (and we ARE!) at least she is getting what she needs, some how, some way.
I'd much rather be writing her birth story or cuddling her in our new moby wrap rather than venting about breast feeding.
"Breast is best". F&#k that. Why is it so frickin' hard then?
Which is just the icing on the cake of a long two weeks worth of a bazillion hurdles and barriers to breastfeeding. Where my motivation to stick with it is coming from, is beyond me. I have no idea why I haven't thrown in the towel. I am SO done with this mess in so many ways, but also am devastated by the idea of giving up.
Baby is fighting the breast right now. Pumping volume is dismal. We are barely hanging on.
And the thing that angers me is that the exhaustion and frustration I feel is robbing me of precious minutes with my baby girl. I want to enjoy and revel in every minute I can with her. And instead I am sore, tired, frustrated, and she is confused and fussy.
I don't know what will happen next. I am NOT ready to consider giving this up.
On the positive side- we weighed her today at the midwife clinic just to see how she was doing (she was really slow to gain weight in the first few days) and to my surprise she is now pretty much on track to regaining her birth weight in the two week period they want to see. So, struggle as we might (and we ARE!) at least she is getting what she needs, some how, some way.
I'd much rather be writing her birth story or cuddling her in our new moby wrap rather than venting about breast feeding.
"Breast is best". F&#k that. Why is it so frickin' hard then?
Saturday, November 12, 2011
1 week later- Update Post Pregnancy
I thought I would do one more Weekly Update as to life after to pregnancy, similar to the weekly updates I posted throughout - (and birth story is in the process of being written, as well as I'll post her name and more pics soon).
Maternity Clothes? Since the birth, I've lived in yoga pants and nursing tank tops. Grateful to have everything (from my maternity wardrobe at least) fitting with a bit more room. Since my milk has come in, we are going to have to reassess bras and shirts as the volume of the girls has grown!
Weight Gain? All in all I gained 41 pounds. Far more than I had planned, but in the end I just don't feel like there was a whole lot differently I could have done about it. 1 week post birth I have lost 18 pounds.
Stretch Marks? None at all which still amazes me. I have a slight linea nigra, but very light.
Sleep? Last night was the first night that I can say that I felt sleep deprived. During this past week I think thanks to adrenaline I am sure, I have just soaked up every minute of this time and haven't minded in the least bit that I am barely sleeping. I am just now starting to be better about trying to sleep when she does.
Best Moment of the Week? Her birth, her smell, her soft head, her squeaks, the visitors, her newborn photo session, the weight of her as she sleeps on my chest, watching DH melt in her presence, the overwhelming outpouring of joy from our friends and family, the influx of "pink" pouring into our house. Everything.
Movement? I had a few phantom "kicks" in the first 24 hours, where it felt like it used to feel when she was in me.
Food Cravings? Oh,joy of joys! food is no longer my foe. It tastes good again, really good. Doesn't give me heartburn. So grateful.
Gender? All girl! I was shocked- I think I had prepared mentally for a boy.
What i miss? Oh, this is hard to answer. My first gut response? Nothing, I miss nothing about being pregnant. I will never ever take for granted my pregnancy and don't want to sound ungrateful. I would do it 100 times over to get to this place. It just really wasn't easy at all for me. I felt sick or in pain for almost the whole 40 weeks. The relief I felt (and still feel), both physcially, and emotionally, about no longer being pregnant was so instantaneouns when she was born.
I hoped my wedding rings would fit by now- they still don't. :( I miss wearing them.
Symptoms: Pregnancy symptoms G-O-N-E. Completely.
Looking forward to: Everything. Every second of the day. Right now we are hunkering down and staying at home at least until Monday (1st midwife appointment post-partum). But i am starting to get excited about going out in public for the first time with her.
Weekly Wisdom: "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us..." Ephesians 3.20
Milestones: I am a mom. Enough said.
Emotions: Pure Joy. Pure Contentness. And surprisingly feeling more confident about my mom role than I thought I would feel.
Maternity Clothes? Since the birth, I've lived in yoga pants and nursing tank tops. Grateful to have everything (from my maternity wardrobe at least) fitting with a bit more room. Since my milk has come in, we are going to have to reassess bras and shirts as the volume of the girls has grown!
Weight Gain? All in all I gained 41 pounds. Far more than I had planned, but in the end I just don't feel like there was a whole lot differently I could have done about it. 1 week post birth I have lost 18 pounds.
Stretch Marks? None at all which still amazes me. I have a slight linea nigra, but very light.
Sleep? Last night was the first night that I can say that I felt sleep deprived. During this past week I think thanks to adrenaline I am sure, I have just soaked up every minute of this time and haven't minded in the least bit that I am barely sleeping. I am just now starting to be better about trying to sleep when she does.
Best Moment of the Week? Her birth, her smell, her soft head, her squeaks, the visitors, her newborn photo session, the weight of her as she sleeps on my chest, watching DH melt in her presence, the overwhelming outpouring of joy from our friends and family, the influx of "pink" pouring into our house. Everything.
Movement? I had a few phantom "kicks" in the first 24 hours, where it felt like it used to feel when she was in me.
Food Cravings? Oh,joy of joys! food is no longer my foe. It tastes good again, really good. Doesn't give me heartburn. So grateful.
Gender? All girl! I was shocked- I think I had prepared mentally for a boy.
What i miss? Oh, this is hard to answer. My first gut response? Nothing, I miss nothing about being pregnant. I will never ever take for granted my pregnancy and don't want to sound ungrateful. I would do it 100 times over to get to this place. It just really wasn't easy at all for me. I felt sick or in pain for almost the whole 40 weeks. The relief I felt (and still feel), both physcially, and emotionally, about no longer being pregnant was so instantaneouns when she was born.
I hoped my wedding rings would fit by now- they still don't. :( I miss wearing them.
Symptoms: Pregnancy symptoms G-O-N-E. Completely.
Looking forward to: Everything. Every second of the day. Right now we are hunkering down and staying at home at least until Monday (1st midwife appointment post-partum). But i am starting to get excited about going out in public for the first time with her.
Weekly Wisdom: "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us..." Ephesians 3.20
Milestones: I am a mom. Enough said.
Emotions: Pure Joy. Pure Contentness. And surprisingly feeling more confident about my mom role than I thought I would feel.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
She is here!
It's a girl, and I am at a loss for words. Born last night 11/4/11 at 11:31pm. 3 days past her due date.
Full details to come.
After 4 years, 40 weeks, and 3 days of waiting....it is impossible to begin to describe what I am feeling.
I am a mom.
Full details to come.
After 4 years, 40 weeks, and 3 days of waiting....it is impossible to begin to describe what I am feeling.
I am a mom.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Past due
I haven't given much thought to the world of being "past" my due date. I think due dates are hokey- and I don't like how much we focus on them. But To be honest, i really thought I'd have this baby before my "due date". I had a pretty strong intuition about it- well, it was wrong. But all in all- I have really been glad I have had these last 5 days since finishing work to just relax. I feel far more settled. And I don't feel too anxious about going past my due date.
But I will admit- that this morning, as my eyes opened and my head lifted off the pillow on today, the day AFTER my due date, the first thought to cross my mind was:
"What if this baby never comes?"
LOL! Granted- not a rational thought. I know it will come on its own time. But I found it funny that that is the thought my subconscious produced as I was waking up this morning.
But I will admit- that this morning, as my eyes opened and my head lifted off the pillow on today, the day AFTER my due date, the first thought to cross my mind was:
"What if this baby never comes?"
LOL! Granted- not a rational thought. I know it will come on its own time. But I found it funny that that is the thought my subconscious produced as I was waking up this morning.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
40 Weeks- And still pregnant
How Far Along? 40 Weeks; My due date - 11/1/11. The date that has been hovering out there since the day we found out our IVF cycle worked. Actually- that date has been ingrained even before then- as I started calculating and reclacluating the estimated due dates from the time we knew when our Egg Retrieval would be.
Today is my due date. Amazing. Crazy.
Maternity Clothes? Yoga pants are my favorite. I want nothing to do with socks these days.
Weight Gain? Not sure; don't want to know right now.
Stretch Marks? None; Not sure how that happened- I haven't been using any lotions/cremes because I didn't believe they actually worked.
Sleep? Same as it has been all pregnancy- wake up once every night. Not a big deal.
Best Moment of the Week? Our church included us in the prayers on Sunday at worship, and my tears flowed out of gratitude for where we are at and for our church family that has been with us this whole journey..
Movement? Yes, but can tell it is crowded in there.
Food Cravings? Everything dairy; don't ask me why. And apples too. Overall, food isn't my friend again these days.
Gender? Will know so so soon.
What i miss? Right now I am doing a pretty good job reminding myself of how soon baby will be here and so all the aches and woes seem temporary.
Symptoms: Really tender in my pelvis, walking is really tough right now. Heartburn. Exhaustion. No sign of my mucous plug; I have had a few fleeting moments when I thought maybe I was having some practice contractions, but really hard to say for sure.
Looking forward to: Everything
Weekly Wisdom: "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us..." Ephesians 3.20
Milestones: Due date! And I finally found a bringing-baby-home outfit that I love.
Emotions:Mostly numb. Trying to just stay in the present moment.
Monday, October 31, 2011
MIdwife Appointment @ 39 weeks 6 days
I didn't have many questions today at my midwife appointment and lately these weekly appointments have been pretty boring as we are all pretty much waiting. My blood pressure has been perfect all pregnancy, not much swelling, heartbeat has been strong, baby is head down and has stayed that way, our midwives don't really do cervical dilation exams- so it has just been a waiting game. I report on my symptoms, all which are normal.
But I love that it is time for me to just talk about the baby and the birth and get to know them and they get to know me. I love all my midwives and really can't say that I have a preference which one I end up getting at the birth.
Today was helpful for a couple of reasons.
She explained that my extreme exhaustion is probably due to shifting hormones that are gearing up. I had started feeling like maybe it was because I wasn't eating well enough, or because I had gotten lax on taking my iron supplement. but she said it is normal which was reassuring to hear.
She also said that my increased milky vaginal discharge was normal and probably my mucous plug starting to deteriorate. She said that not everyone will know when it is gone as it can just disingrate over time which I also appreciated learning.
The underside of my belly has been excruciatingly sore lately- ligaments or muscles down there. I'm fine with I am laying still or sitting still but walking, rolling over, standing/sitting are SO tender. OOOooo! She assured me it is normal which even though the knowledge of that doesn't provide me with relief from the pain, ut always feels like a weight off my shoulders to know that it is well within the norm. I feel like I can cope with it better knowing that it is just part of the process in some pregnancies.
And she reminded me what dear blog friends reminded me on my last post- and that is that this is sacred time to just take care of me and to take each day for what it is. It is so true, and I was so so moved by the comments left on my last post. Everything was exactly what I needed to be reminded of. Again, one of the many reasons this blog community means so much to me.
So, I'm off to take a nap, and then not sure- but just enjoying not having an agenda to my day today.
But I love that it is time for me to just talk about the baby and the birth and get to know them and they get to know me. I love all my midwives and really can't say that I have a preference which one I end up getting at the birth.
Today was helpful for a couple of reasons.
She explained that my extreme exhaustion is probably due to shifting hormones that are gearing up. I had started feeling like maybe it was because I wasn't eating well enough, or because I had gotten lax on taking my iron supplement. but she said it is normal which was reassuring to hear.
She also said that my increased milky vaginal discharge was normal and probably my mucous plug starting to deteriorate. She said that not everyone will know when it is gone as it can just disingrate over time which I also appreciated learning.
The underside of my belly has been excruciatingly sore lately- ligaments or muscles down there. I'm fine with I am laying still or sitting still but walking, rolling over, standing/sitting are SO tender. OOOooo! She assured me it is normal which even though the knowledge of that doesn't provide me with relief from the pain, ut always feels like a weight off my shoulders to know that it is well within the norm. I feel like I can cope with it better knowing that it is just part of the process in some pregnancies.
And she reminded me what dear blog friends reminded me on my last post- and that is that this is sacred time to just take care of me and to take each day for what it is. It is so true, and I was so so moved by the comments left on my last post. Everything was exactly what I needed to be reminded of. Again, one of the many reasons this blog community means so much to me.
So, I'm off to take a nap, and then not sure- but just enjoying not having an agenda to my day today.
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