CD 1 was Thursday. I felt joy welling up inside of me as I talked with my nurse to (finally) schedule CD 3 bloodwork- the long awaited first step in IVF #1. FSH and Estrogen will be checked today along with some other less important stuff that she is throwing in the labwork just to get it done and checked off my list. I start birth control tomorrow (still not exactly sure why, but seems pretty common from what I read).
And if all goes as planned, sometime in February we will know if I am pregnant or not from cycle #1. (We aren't going to talk yet about the long, mentally draining wait from POAS until viability- but we'll cross that bridge when we have to).
On another note, my endo reared its ugly head in a major way this cycle and the pain was not only brutal, but long lived. DH was ready to scrap our IVF plan and opt for surgery for my endo. But I reminded him that getting pregnant will have the same desired effect- my endo pain will subside for the near future. And thankfully, as soon as AF arrives the pain becomes manageable.
What a way to start the new year. Oh, Mr. 2011, I have so much hope for you.
And a new year has begun....
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Friday, December 31, 2010
Are your friends IVF Friendly?
The last couple of weeks have catapulted us deeper into the world of IF, and specifically IVF, faster than we had anticipated. This sudden change has much of our spare energy and brain time thinking and talking about this new detour in our journey to TTC.
As such, we are sharing varying degrees of this chapter of the journey with friends and family. As it was before with trying to get pregnant in the early days, repeat miscarriages, and infertility, we share more with some people and less with others.
There is my friend that knows every detail of my miscarriages and has been a great support. There is the dear friend who has shared a very similar path and knows all the IF lingo, goes to my same clinic, and is a great resource. There are family members that know bits and pieces- we share what we have the energy to share at any given conversation. And there are the friends that know nothing or almost nothing of our journey.
I have found it interesting as we now enter our IVF chapter that the unspoken rules and reactions from friends and family are changing a bit with some people. Some of our family and friends that I felt comfortable baring all to in the past, I don't feel as comfortable any more. One friend in particular, who has been a non-judgmental, well informed, eager learner throughout our TTC so far, seems to have changed the playing field now that IVF is our new reality. I'm don't know why she is pulling away, nor will I probably ever fully understand- but it has me taking a mental note that as we dive into IVF, not everyone is going to be IVF friendly friends. And predicting which friends will be is proving to be even harder.
On the flip side, I have two friends in my life that have been the most unexpected friends to rise to the occasion to be there for us right now. Both friends are as fertile as can be. (No, I am serious- we are talking fertile!) Both friends have very limited knowledge about IVF. They know about "test tube" babies, "petrie dishes", Oct.omom, and Jo.hn & K.ate plus8 (who by the way used IUIs not IVF). But I have to say, that these two friends have brought me to tears and to laughter in the last few weeks as they have sincerely offered support in their own ways. When it comes down to it, hands down I know their love for me as a friend. And that goes a long way to overlooking some of the comments that from others may sound ignorant or judgmental. But there has not been an ounce of judgment in anything they have said or done so far. They are eager to learn the ins and outs, and yet respectful of our boundaries. And I just wasn't expecting to have so much support from them. Because on the surface, they just don't seem like they would be very IVF friendly friends. They really don't "get" IF or IVF, and yet they are surprising me in so many ways.
No matter how careful I am to choose who we share with and how much we share, I know that it is still possible we will be unexpectedly hurt by some friends and possibly unintentionally hurt others. IVF, and all of its onion peel layers yet to be removed, is a hot button in our society. It is misunderstood, debated, disputed, condemned, and oversimplified. There is just no getting around it. It stirs up value debates around ethics, financial responsibility, ethics of clinical business practices, adoption, faith, God's will, and plain ol' personal choice. Add to that that we are stepping into the midst of that onion, with our own layers of complexities. ..namely three years of loss, three years of hoping beyond hope, and now- IVF.
My hope during this chapter is for me to find the strength and compassion to speak about our choice to conceive through IVF. I hope that through our openness others it might give others space to reflect on this complicated decision. Not everyone has to agree with us, nor do I expect IVF to be the right decision for all people. But I hope to find the words to speak honestly about why this is the right decision for us. And maybe, just maybe, we might help to nurture a few more people into more "IVF friendly" friends for others some day.
As such, we are sharing varying degrees of this chapter of the journey with friends and family. As it was before with trying to get pregnant in the early days, repeat miscarriages, and infertility, we share more with some people and less with others.
There is my friend that knows every detail of my miscarriages and has been a great support. There is the dear friend who has shared a very similar path and knows all the IF lingo, goes to my same clinic, and is a great resource. There are family members that know bits and pieces- we share what we have the energy to share at any given conversation. And there are the friends that know nothing or almost nothing of our journey.
I have found it interesting as we now enter our IVF chapter that the unspoken rules and reactions from friends and family are changing a bit with some people. Some of our family and friends that I felt comfortable baring all to in the past, I don't feel as comfortable any more. One friend in particular, who has been a non-judgmental, well informed, eager learner throughout our TTC so far, seems to have changed the playing field now that IVF is our new reality. I'm don't know why she is pulling away, nor will I probably ever fully understand- but it has me taking a mental note that as we dive into IVF, not everyone is going to be IVF friendly friends. And predicting which friends will be is proving to be even harder.
On the flip side, I have two friends in my life that have been the most unexpected friends to rise to the occasion to be there for us right now. Both friends are as fertile as can be. (No, I am serious- we are talking fertile!) Both friends have very limited knowledge about IVF. They know about "test tube" babies, "petrie dishes", Oct.omom, and Jo.hn & K.ate plus8 (who by the way used IUIs not IVF). But I have to say, that these two friends have brought me to tears and to laughter in the last few weeks as they have sincerely offered support in their own ways. When it comes down to it, hands down I know their love for me as a friend. And that goes a long way to overlooking some of the comments that from others may sound ignorant or judgmental. But there has not been an ounce of judgment in anything they have said or done so far. They are eager to learn the ins and outs, and yet respectful of our boundaries. And I just wasn't expecting to have so much support from them. Because on the surface, they just don't seem like they would be very IVF friendly friends. They really don't "get" IF or IVF, and yet they are surprising me in so many ways.
No matter how careful I am to choose who we share with and how much we share, I know that it is still possible we will be unexpectedly hurt by some friends and possibly unintentionally hurt others. IVF, and all of its onion peel layers yet to be removed, is a hot button in our society. It is misunderstood, debated, disputed, condemned, and oversimplified. There is just no getting around it. It stirs up value debates around ethics, financial responsibility, ethics of clinical business practices, adoption, faith, God's will, and plain ol' personal choice. Add to that that we are stepping into the midst of that onion, with our own layers of complexities. ..namely three years of loss, three years of hoping beyond hope, and now- IVF.
My hope during this chapter is for me to find the strength and compassion to speak about our choice to conceive through IVF. I hope that through our openness others it might give others space to reflect on this complicated decision. Not everyone has to agree with us, nor do I expect IVF to be the right decision for all people. But I hope to find the words to speak honestly about why this is the right decision for us. And maybe, just maybe, we might help to nurture a few more people into more "IVF friendly" friends for others some day.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
The Pain- take three
The Pain hit again this morning- third cycle in a row. I am so so grateful that it was much more tolerable this time- it still was a 9 or 10 on the pain scale, but it wasn't off the charts like the last two months. I am guessing (and hoping) that the ibuprofen is what helped. Hoping that that means I can manage the pain proactively again in the future, if need be.....
But hoping there won't be a "next month"- hoping a two dark lines on a stick is all I see next cycle, or at least sometime this year.
If history repeats itself, AF will arrive about 48 hours after the pain episode, so still looking like Thursday will be Day 1. Blooddraw on Saturday (day 3) and if all goes well with that- we'll be approved for the shared risk program and we'll have our IVF #1 calendar mapped out for us shortly thereafter!
So so ready.
But hoping there won't be a "next month"- hoping a two dark lines on a stick is all I see next cycle, or at least sometime this year.
If history repeats itself, AF will arrive about 48 hours after the pain episode, so still looking like Thursday will be Day 1. Blooddraw on Saturday (day 3) and if all goes well with that- we'll be approved for the shared risk program and we'll have our IVF #1 calendar mapped out for us shortly thereafter!
So so ready.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Mind dump
Excuse me as I just dump the contents of my brain in my blog: (Don't expect anything logical or intelligible)
-Patiently waiting for AF to finally come; Been spotting for four days. Ready to get this show on the road and nervous as heck all at the same time.
- Sinus headache has me feeling like I've been run over by a truck. Been hanging out with my laptop in bed all day doing nothin'.
- I'm cranky, just plain unexplainably cranky. Well, it is most likely PMS brand crankiness. So, I am just letting it be what it is today- and trying to ride out this crankiness, knowing this too will pass.
-Been mindlessly searching the internet, here is a sampling of some googling I have done: "IVF without lupron","maternity clothes","jelly belly new flavors," "IVF with large endometrioma", "living room end table".
- Been preoccupied with worrying about whether or not my "painful attack" will come again this cycle. If it follows the past two cycle's pattern, it will come anytime now. Been taking ibuprofen regularly this week trying to help prevent it or at least take the edge off if it does happen again. Oh I hope I can avoid that pain again....
- The end of 2010 is fast approaching. A reflection on 2010 deserves a post in an of it self, but January 1st will mark the three year anniversary of our TTC. I am so glad we are in active forward motion right now, working with an RE, otherwise I think that anniversary would bring pretty deep despair. Actively "doing" something helps to stimulate hope. I've have also found myself thinking about the fact that in our three years of TTC, this is the first year in which we did not experience a miscarriage. Granted, that means we also were not successful in getting pregnant, but I am (in a small way) grateful to have had a break this year from everything miscarriage. It has been much needed for healing.
- The Christmas holiday was nice, busy and quiet all at the same time. I think every other sentence started with "Next year maybe bambino will be with us doing this,", "This might be the last christmas just the two of us", and so on and so on. While I enjoyed it immensely at first, I started to get a little freaked out that we were jinxing ourselves. I know it is not logical fear.
-
- Sinus headache has me feeling like I've been run over by a truck. Been hanging out with my laptop in bed all day doing nothin'.
- I'm cranky, just plain unexplainably cranky. Well, it is most likely PMS brand crankiness. So, I am just letting it be what it is today- and trying to ride out this crankiness, knowing this too will pass.
-Been mindlessly searching the internet, here is a sampling of some googling I have done: "IVF without lupron","maternity clothes","jelly belly new flavors," "IVF with large endometrioma", "living room end table".
- Been preoccupied with worrying about whether or not my "painful attack" will come again this cycle. If it follows the past two cycle's pattern, it will come anytime now. Been taking ibuprofen regularly this week trying to help prevent it or at least take the edge off if it does happen again. Oh I hope I can avoid that pain again....
- The end of 2010 is fast approaching. A reflection on 2010 deserves a post in an of it self, but January 1st will mark the three year anniversary of our TTC. I am so glad we are in active forward motion right now, working with an RE, otherwise I think that anniversary would bring pretty deep despair. Actively "doing" something helps to stimulate hope. I've have also found myself thinking about the fact that in our three years of TTC, this is the first year in which we did not experience a miscarriage. Granted, that means we also were not successful in getting pregnant, but I am (in a small way) grateful to have had a break this year from everything miscarriage. It has been much needed for healing.
- The Christmas holiday was nice, busy and quiet all at the same time. I think every other sentence started with "Next year maybe bambino will be with us doing this,", "This might be the last christmas just the two of us", and so on and so on. While I enjoyed it immensely at first, I started to get a little freaked out that we were jinxing ourselves. I know it is not logical fear.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Lab results
Fasting Glucose: normal
Fasting Insulin: normal
AMH: normal
Sigh of relief. Next step is to wait for AF (about 7-9 more days) to arrive and then day three bloodwork.
This is getting real.
(There is a small hang up with part of our funding source, good news is that I learned we don't have to pay until late January, but still stressing a bit. Hoping it resolves itself).
Fasting Insulin: normal
AMH: normal
Sigh of relief. Next step is to wait for AF (about 7-9 more days) to arrive and then day three bloodwork.
This is getting real.
(There is a small hang up with part of our funding source, good news is that I learned we don't have to pay until late January, but still stressing a bit. Hoping it resolves itself).
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Christmases Past
Last year I did a recap of our Christmases past, and I thought I would do it once again. Here is a recap of our Christmases as a married couple:
First Christmas
We had been married for all of 6 months. We had learned of DH's diagnosis of stage 4 cancer just two weeks before Christmas. Having just recovered from the 1st surgery to diagnose and biopsy, a week before Christmas we had our first day (of what would be many) hanging out at the chemo center as DH received his IV meds. We felt raw and stripped bare and yet full of life and purpose all at the same time. The shock was tremendous not knowing what was ahead. The hope and despair equally as jolting. The comfort and support that surrounded us from our community- family and strangers- was life changing. That year, DH decided he wanted to sing xmas carols together- it is a tradition that we have continued every year. So I printed out a ton of songs from the internet, and we sat by the fire xmas day and sang carols, and held each other.
Second Christmas
The second Christmas I was home on break from grad school after living on campus far away from DH for nearly 3 months (we racked up lots of frequent flier miles during that time!!). It was wonderful to be home. DH was done with treatments (final surgery had been in June) and 6 months later, he finally had his umpf back. We traveled out of the country (the trip we had had planned for the previous xmas, but canceled when he was diagnosed) and had the most wonderful xmas.
Third Christmas
Our third year of marriage, we rejoiced as we decorated the house for the first time. Year 1 we hadn't really decorated because we thought we would be out of the county for all of winter break, but instead ended up with doctors and chemo labs. Year 2 we were out of the country and so we didn't decorate, and so year three was a time to celebrate just being home. The simple things like hanging lights, telling stories about each xmas ornament we hung and how it came in to our lives. It also was the first year that my FIL was living in the same town as us and so it was the first year we celebrated xmas with more then just the two of us.
Fourth Christmas
Snow. Snowed in for days. Barely made it to the Christmas eve worship service. A quiet Christmas. We celebrated a 2nd year of having DH's father living near by. The grief was present as we had had our first miscarriage earlier that spring. The grief was magnified in that my baby sister had had her first child just before Thanksgiving, and the family was all together (across country in a different state than we live) oohing and aahing over the new grandchild over the phone. While the grief was there, and I was struggling with the fact that my estimated due date and the birth of my niece had come and gone and I was still not pregnant again. But I still mustered up some hope- assuming naively that the next time we got pregnant we would be home free.
Fifth Christmas
Last year was our fifth christmas as a married couple. We had had our second miscarriage the prior spring and had moved on to IUIs. We had just had two back to back BFN from IUI #1 & #2 and were leading up to IUI #3. My spirit was very heavy last year. I wrote on my blog that "the darkness has settled into my spirit even deeper this year. DH had to drag me kicking and screaming into the holiday spirit this year. I am glad that he did- he pulled out all the decorations and I watched, as the fire roared and the xmas music played, I felt my spirit lift a bit." Even as I wrote that, and even though the grief was very very thick at this time last year. I was still hopeful that we'd get pregnant in 2010 and that the third time would be the charm.
This year
So as Christmas 2010 was approaching and we were not closer to answers or a child, I felt the anxiety creeping in. In a strange way, the diagnosis of Endo, and the doctor advising us that IVF is our only option, was an early Christmas gift. Christmas is a hard time of year for infertiles, at least it is for me. Three Christmases have come and gone and we do not yet have a family of our own to celebrate it with. DH and I don't have any relatives in the area, so it is just him and I during the holidays. I've become a Scrooge at the holidays and I am convinced that IF is to blame. But finding out that mystery behind why we haven't been able to get pregnant and why I have been in so much pain- gives us some clarity, and makes the decision for us that IVF if the next step if we really want to try to get pregnant. And we know IVF has really good odds. Better than anything we have tried so far. As the Christmas approaches, I feel like instead of grief, I am feeling a flicker of hope. A hope that lets me believe that maybe, just maybe by next Christmas we make truly have a family or be well on our way.
First Christmas
We had been married for all of 6 months. We had learned of DH's diagnosis of stage 4 cancer just two weeks before Christmas. Having just recovered from the 1st surgery to diagnose and biopsy, a week before Christmas we had our first day (of what would be many) hanging out at the chemo center as DH received his IV meds. We felt raw and stripped bare and yet full of life and purpose all at the same time. The shock was tremendous not knowing what was ahead. The hope and despair equally as jolting. The comfort and support that surrounded us from our community- family and strangers- was life changing. That year, DH decided he wanted to sing xmas carols together- it is a tradition that we have continued every year. So I printed out a ton of songs from the internet, and we sat by the fire xmas day and sang carols, and held each other.
Second Christmas
The second Christmas I was home on break from grad school after living on campus far away from DH for nearly 3 months (we racked up lots of frequent flier miles during that time!!). It was wonderful to be home. DH was done with treatments (final surgery had been in June) and 6 months later, he finally had his umpf back. We traveled out of the country (the trip we had had planned for the previous xmas, but canceled when he was diagnosed) and had the most wonderful xmas.
Third Christmas
Our third year of marriage, we rejoiced as we decorated the house for the first time. Year 1 we hadn't really decorated because we thought we would be out of the county for all of winter break, but instead ended up with doctors and chemo labs. Year 2 we were out of the country and so we didn't decorate, and so year three was a time to celebrate just being home. The simple things like hanging lights, telling stories about each xmas ornament we hung and how it came in to our lives. It also was the first year that my FIL was living in the same town as us and so it was the first year we celebrated xmas with more then just the two of us.
Fourth Christmas
Snow. Snowed in for days. Barely made it to the Christmas eve worship service. A quiet Christmas. We celebrated a 2nd year of having DH's father living near by. The grief was present as we had had our first miscarriage earlier that spring. The grief was magnified in that my baby sister had had her first child just before Thanksgiving, and the family was all together (across country in a different state than we live) oohing and aahing over the new grandchild over the phone. While the grief was there, and I was struggling with the fact that my estimated due date and the birth of my niece had come and gone and I was still not pregnant again. But I still mustered up some hope- assuming naively that the next time we got pregnant we would be home free.
Fifth Christmas
Last year was our fifth christmas as a married couple. We had had our second miscarriage the prior spring and had moved on to IUIs. We had just had two back to back BFN from IUI #1 & #2 and were leading up to IUI #3. My spirit was very heavy last year. I wrote on my blog that "the darkness has settled into my spirit even deeper this year. DH had to drag me kicking and screaming into the holiday spirit this year. I am glad that he did- he pulled out all the decorations and I watched, as the fire roared and the xmas music played, I felt my spirit lift a bit." Even as I wrote that, and even though the grief was very very thick at this time last year. I was still hopeful that we'd get pregnant in 2010 and that the third time would be the charm.
This year
So as Christmas 2010 was approaching and we were not closer to answers or a child, I felt the anxiety creeping in. In a strange way, the diagnosis of Endo, and the doctor advising us that IVF is our only option, was an early Christmas gift. Christmas is a hard time of year for infertiles, at least it is for me. Three Christmases have come and gone and we do not yet have a family of our own to celebrate it with. DH and I don't have any relatives in the area, so it is just him and I during the holidays. I've become a Scrooge at the holidays and I am convinced that IF is to blame. But finding out that mystery behind why we haven't been able to get pregnant and why I have been in so much pain- gives us some clarity, and makes the decision for us that IVF if the next step if we really want to try to get pregnant. And we know IVF has really good odds. Better than anything we have tried so far. As the Christmas approaches, I feel like instead of grief, I am feeling a flicker of hope. A hope that lets me believe that maybe, just maybe by next Christmas we make truly have a family or be well on our way.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Dare I say..
This is the most hope I have felt in a long time. I think there has only been one other time in the past three years that I have felt so hopeful, truly hopeful that indeed we will come out of this IF journey with a baby in our arms.
Knock on wood, but it feels so good for a change.
I daydream at work. I find myself smiling as I am driving, thinking about what it would be like to see a flicker of a heartbeat on an u/s screen, for a change.
Co-workers talk about plans, 3, 4, 9 months from now- and I grin as I calculate how far a long I might be.
I know this is a very presumptuous. And I would be lying if I didn't admit that there is a voice in the inner most part of me that is screaming "you silly, silly lady, why subject yourself to more disappointment, you know the rug will be pulled out from under you - FAST AND HARD!"
And yet I am giddy and hopeful and looking forward to AF arriving so I can call and starting scheduling blood work.
Approximately 17 days and counting until Operation IVF Cycle #1 commences.
And the one thing that is most certainly true. I have no doubt that this is what I want more than anything.
Knock on wood, but it feels so good for a change.
I daydream at work. I find myself smiling as I am driving, thinking about what it would be like to see a flicker of a heartbeat on an u/s screen, for a change.
Co-workers talk about plans, 3, 4, 9 months from now- and I grin as I calculate how far a long I might be.
I know this is a very presumptuous. And I would be lying if I didn't admit that there is a voice in the inner most part of me that is screaming "you silly, silly lady, why subject yourself to more disappointment, you know the rug will be pulled out from under you - FAST AND HARD!"
And yet I am giddy and hopeful and looking forward to AF arriving so I can call and starting scheduling blood work.
Approximately 17 days and counting until Operation IVF Cycle #1 commences.
And the one thing that is most certainly true. I have no doubt that this is what I want more than anything.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)