Giddy

Absolutely giddy. What's up with that? Giddiness is NOT an emotion I have ever felt following an IUI.

My apologies for advance if any of this sounds cheezy or sappy- well, cuz it probably will be. But I figure I spend most of my time apologizing with the cuzz words and anger fly when I am in the valleys, so I might was well spout off about the high points too.

DH collected his sample at home and drove it to the clinic. As soon as he collected his spirit just sunk. He was so worried he hadn't "performed" well enough, as he provides a sample for the 4th time. Oh, how I hate that part of this journey-- that even my husband feels like he is not measuring up.

Anyways- I arrived two hours later, full bladder. The office was relaxed, the nurse and doctor were great. There was no wait, a tiny challenge getting the speculum into position, but it just all went well. As the doctor left, she patted my leg and said that I was her last patient of 2009! Woo hoo! Maybe that will count for something in the luck department.

I am certain my upbeat mood has little to do with the logistics of today and probably moreso, my mood made today seem like it all went well. I just was grateful for it being easy for a change.

DH's count: His post-wash count of his swimmers was 2.5. Far less than they like to see (At least 5, but in an ideal world 10) but about a million more than last time in October (1.6). And only slightly less than the September count (3.1.) (Funny, I was devastated when we learned about his 3.1 count in September, but now having a history with this, I rejoiced to be back up to 2.5. Oh the ironies). So all in all, I was pleased. I just keep telling myself, we are doing everything that is within our control. So much isn't in our control, but there is nothing I can do about that.

Hope is an energizing thing. I want to not be afraid to hope anymore. I want to not have to protect myself that somehow if I hope, I will be experience deeper despair. Because I really do want to hope...

100th Post and IUI#3

100 posts on the last day of the year. I had planned on doing something more substantive for this post, but haven't gotten around to it yet.

Today is IUI#3. I called in "sick" to work because the IUI is right smack in the middle of the day, and the clinic is no where near my office. So, I am home, sleeping in, and looking forward to a low key day to end 2009. Sleep in, do IUI, new years eve party tonight with dear friends, and then a long weekend. Sounds like a good way to wrap up the year to me.

DH is delivering his goods in a few hours and I'll be going in for the IUI shortly after. As much as I wish we weren't still TTC and on IUI #3, it is nice to know what to expect and have it all be a bit more routine.

Noelle left a comment on my last post that has really stuck with me. She said "Just think...this may be the last cycle that you have to worry about this."

As much as I am still trying to manage my expectations so that I don't fall too hard if this doesn't go the way I want it, I am trying to hold on to that simple and astonishing statement- just maybe, this could be it. (Thanks Noelle for that reminder!)

Hoping deeply that we have a good post-wash count today with DHs swimmers. His counts have gotten worse and worse from his first semen analysis, to post wash counts on IUI#1 & #2. His count today will be important for knowing if we indeed are seeing a trend to be alarmed about.

Oh, 2009- you definitely did not look how I had hoped. But today I feel a sense of calm, knowing that the darkness has not overcome me even with this difficult journey, and amazingly, I still have hope. Hope that someday this WILL be beautiful.

and a new year is about to begin once again........

Not meant to be? Part II

To put this in to context, read Part i here:

Once I regained some composure, I called my usual clinic (the clinic that I had had a cd 13 appointment, but then canceled to go to the other clinic). Well, I swallowed my pride and called them back to see if they could squeeze me back in. And they could! I came back home, blogged my last post, and tried to find my center again while I killed some time. I was still a bit fragile as I finished writing my last post (Part I) and was getting my coat on to leave for my follicle check. I hugged DH (have I mentioned how much I love him?) and shared with him some of my thoughts about not seeing a Bigger Plan in all of this and how this just does not feel like the times in which I am assured that the Spirit is on the move. I wondered aloud if we were making wrong decisions. He held me tight and said just the right things (Have I mentioned how DH is my rock?!!) "Hon, God doesn't usually come in the obvious ways, but rather in the still and in the quiet. The spirit is at work in this, maybe we need to be open to seeing the small ways." He held me tight as if he was trying to piece my fragile faith back together.

I left for my appointment, reflecting on how emotional I am these days- maybe the grief, maybe the drugs, maybe the unknowns. I was also bracing myself for the possibility of not liking the doctor who was on the schedule to do my u/s. He was really not my favorite the first time I had him (he did our IUI #1). The nurse took me back, got me situated, I told her I would need her to call in my HCG injection to the mail-order pharmacy. She left the exam room, and I swear, if I was a cartoon character, you could have seen a light bulb and cussing in the balloon above my head. I realized that if my follies were ready I would need HCG tonight! What was a thinking? I don't have time to have it shipped to me. And I don't know of any local pharmacies that carry it. Doh!! I was just shaking my head at the how messed up this cycle (seemed to ) has gotten. I almost got myself dressed and walked out right then and there.

The Dr. that I didn't think I liked came in....and he... was.... fabulous. Personable, friendly apologetic for the wait. I breathed a sigh of relief. My follies responded just as nicely to Fem.ara as to my last to clomid cycles. And I actually took some delight in seeing my insides on the u/s again after taking a month off. Two plump follies on the right and one on the left. Oh, what a nice sight to see. I love having follies ready on both sides, last cycle there was only follies on the right. They might be a bit too ready though (this happened last cycle too). But, oh well- I talked it through with the doctors and the nurse in depth and all feel that I still will be close enough, but next cycle (?) a CD 12 would be a better day for follie check. (I caught myself saying next cycle so matter of factly, and the nurse was very sweet to remind me "if" I needed a next cycle). They also have HCG on hand in the office (makes sense, but it never dawned on me- so they sent me home with what I needed, and I will just reimburse their supply).

IUI will be Thursday. Right in the middle of the work day. But I just don't care. I might even take the day off of work. Because I can. DH has the day off on Thursday.

This is all coming together....

Maybe I am missing the small, quiet ways in which the spirit is at work in all of this. Maybe the spirit is at work in giving me the strength to keep pushing the rock up the cliffside. Maybe the spirit was at work in the embrace of my husband, and the reminder that in all of this, having him as a husband is more beautiful gift than anything I could have imagined.

Maybe.

Not meant to be? : Part I

Updated with Part II. Click here to read the rest of the story

I don't know about you, but I struggle in life to recognize God's presence in my life. I hear others talk about hearing God's voice or receiving confirmation of God's plan, but I can't say that that is the way it goes for me.

There have been moments though- moments in which (particularly in hindsight, but also in the moment) that I am so aware of the "spirit at work" within me. It is hard to put words to it, but I just know that there have been moments when I know that something bigger than me is at work. I can recall a moment at church when I had a peace (almost a confirmation?) about my career change and my decision to apply to grad school. I can recall moments during DHs cancer treatment that we were so surrounded by caring friends, family and strangers, that we had not doubt of God's seemingly embracing us. And then there are those experiences, in which a dear friend who I have lost contact with has unexpectedly been on my mind all day, only to call them up after ages of not talking to them and to learn of some difficulty in their life, and that my timing was impeccable.

There are those moments- moments in which, for lack of better words, I feel the spirit moving in ways that are bigger than me, in ways I will never understand, in ways that humble me.

And then there are the times that feel absolutely nothing like that.

This last week, I feel like we are pushing a rock up a cliff. There is nothing about this past week that feels anything like the work of God. And I can't help but let the doubt creep in (and it has crept WAY in) and wonder if I am pushing my own agenda, that I am maybe pursuing a futile path. But as soon as I type that, I find myself even questioning if their is a bigger Plan in all of this anyways. If I didn't push my agenda, and explore all options at all cost, then what? Then where would this path take us?

When I called to schedule my CD 13 u/s- I called my usual clinic. Made an appointment. And then thought to myself, I really like the other clinic even better- so on a whim called them. They just happened to have (in a very tightly scheduled week) an appointment at their closer to me office with MY doctor (who I like a lot) at a time that worked for me.

So I show up there today. Pleased as punch that traffic cooperated and everything was going as planned, arrived with 10 minutes to spare. or so I thought...

And my appointment was not at THAT office, it was at the other office across town. Furthermroe, there were no more appointments at EITHER office with any doctors. This is where I start to loose it (on the inside at least, maybe on the outside?). I used words such as "frustrated" and "a challenging" but I am sure the receptionist has no idea how completely pissed I was. Or maybe she did, I don't know.

She offered me an appointment with an u/s tech. A) I would have had to drive to the other office and B) why would you have a tech do the u/s when usually you ONLY schedule these follicle checks with doctors. Isn't then there a reason you typically only schedule it with doctors? So why would I let a tech do it becuase you f#$@ed up your schedule? (What I wanted to say but didn't).

I walked out mumbling and said I "this isn't going to work."

I was near hysterical by the time I got out of the building. Phone in hand, dialing DH. Sobbing and raging to him as he tried to comfort me.

And I just wonder if the universe is telling me something. You see, it is not just this one appointment mishap. It is a bunch of small things. But moreso, it is the absence of anything that remotely resembles the spirit at work in all of this. So what does all this mean? Is the IF journey, just by its very nature, destined to be an uphill battle with no sense of the spirit at work? Am I just not opening myself up to be aware of the ways the spirit is at work? Or is all of this trying to tell me that I am barking up the wrong tree?

Is this IUI cycle just not meant to be? Is all of it not meant to be? How do I know if I keep fighting or just walk away...

If I could pray

I can't seem to pray these days. And I know for certain I am not able to listen, even if I were to pray.

But if I were to pray....

I'd pray that DH's November hernia repair was part of our answer and that DH numbers improve noticeably for our IUI#3.
I'd pray that next cycle I don't need to do the sono(whatchama callit) as a follow up to my inconclusive HSG.
I'd pray that my letrozal induced follies are ready on CD 13 (Tuesday) to trigger.

But I'd really pray that each and every day of this journey I could be at peace.

I'd pray that I am making the right decisions in this journey.

I'd pray that I could daily trust that beauty, beyond what I could possibly imagine, will most definitely come from all of this.

If I could pray, that would be my prayer...

Follie check and spending

I called earlier this week to schedule my follicle check for CD13. First I called the RE clinic that has been doing (almost all) my consultations and both of my two IUIs. The doctor who would be doing my U/S this cycle was not my favorite, but I figured "oh well, it is just an quick u/s". DH and I had toyed with the idea of switching to the other RE clinic for this cycle- but given it is farther away and given we just know how things work at our current RE, we had decided to stay with what we know for this IUI. But when I found out which doctor I'd be seeing...I just thought- heck, why not try the other clinic. So I called the RE clinic that did my HSG last week, just to see what time and which doctor I would see. They had the exact same time slot for an u/s as our other clinic. And as it turns out, it would be my RE doing the u/s. I really like this REI, even though we haven't had many appointments. So I'll be doing IUI#3 with the further away clinic. It makes the logistics a bit more complicated as it is further away, but all in all I feel good about it.

This is my first cycle on Letrozal/Femara. First of all- the price. OMG! It was 10x more expensive then clomid because I couldn't buy the generic. Is that really true? is there really no generic version of Femara? That just didn't seem right, but I didn't have time with us going out of town to research it further. So, in the big picture of IF related expenses, big deal, but if it wasn't for my new RE strongly advising switching, I would really be reconsidering.

Also, because this is a new drug, we have no idea how I will respond. I responded well to clomid, but it is a guessing game with this cycle. I am crossing my fingers that all goes the same and that by CD13 u/s I will be ready to trigger. I really hope I don't have to go back more than once waiting for the follicles to be ready.


I think I am mostly just going the the motions this cycle. Sometimes it becomes so routine that I forget that all the mundaness of doc appointments, drugs, tests, etc are all for a bigger purpose. It is sort of sad that it has become so much a part of our lives that it has become routine. But, it does help time pass faster.

I have started feeling a little panicky about the money we are spending. I don't know where that is coming from. I think I feel like there is no end in sight. If I KNEW that this would all lead to our desired outcome, or even if I KNEW for sure that I would have no regrets, I know that I wouldn't get panicky about spending the money. And in reality, we have barely even dipped out feet in the pool of IF treatment options as far as expenses go. And insurance has covered far more than I ever thought. And we HAVE the money in our savings to spend, which he had intentionally saved so that we would have it to help with growing our family. But it is still hard. I question myself as to if we are really spending according to our values. I question myself as to how far I will go down this road and at what cost. My hope is that at the right time, I will just know when the timing is right for us to stop or redirect. I hope I will know.

Christmases Past

It's funny, but as I think back on Christmases past, I can only remember vividly the Christmases as a married couple. This will be our fifth Christmas together as a married couple. Our fifth christmas in our 1st home together. As I think back before that, the memories are much fuzzier during the years of dating and being single.

First Christmas
We had been married for all of 6 months. We had learned of DH's diagnosis of stage 4 cancer just two weeks before Christmas. Having just recovered from the 1st surgery to diagnose and biopsy, a week before Christmas we had our first day (of what would be many) hanging out at the chemo center as DH received his IV meds. We felt raw and stripped bare and yet full of life and purpose all at the same time. The shock was tremendous not knowing what was ahead. The hope and despair equally as jolting. The comfort and support that surrounded us from our community- family and strangers- was life changing. That year, DH decided he wanted to sing xmas carols together- it is a tradition that we have continued every year. So I printed out a ton of songs from the internet, and we sat by the fire xmas day and sang carols, and held each other. I still have those same print outs that we used that Christmas.

Second Christmas
The second Christmas I was home on break from grad school after living on campus far away from DH for nearly 3 months (we racked up lots of frequent flier miles during that time!!). It was wonderful to be home. DH was done with treatments (final surgery had been in June) and 6 months later, he finally had his umpf back. We traveled out of the country (the trip we had had planned for the previous xmas, but cancelled when he was diagnosed). We celebrated xmas with 150 friends and strangers at the most amazing xmas celebrations abroad ever.

Third Christmas 2007
Our third Christmas we rejoiced as we decorated the house for the first time. Year 1 we hadn't really decorated because we thought we would be out of the county for all of winter break, but instead ended up with doctors and chemo labs. Year 2 we were out of the country and so we didn't decorate, and so year three was a time to celebrate just being home. The simple things like hanging lights, telling stories about each xmas ornament we hung and how it came in to our lives. It also was the first year that my FIL was living in the same town as us and so it was the first year we celebrated xmas with more then just the two of us. DH shared his life story at our church's Longest Night service that year. The night that our church gathers to the light amidst the darkness in our life. He talked about the roller coaster of life- the ups and down- the tragedies and joys... and the roller coaster got even wilder for us that coming year....

Fourth Christmas 2008
Snow. Snowed in for days. Barely made it to the Christmas eve worship service. A quiet Christmas. We celebrated a 2nd year of having DH's father living near by. The grief was present as we had had our first miscarriage earlier that spring. The grief was magnified in that my baby sister had had her first child just before Thanksgiving, and the family was all together (across country in a different state than we live) oohing and aahing over the new grandchild over the phone. While the grief was there, and I was struggling with the fact that my estimated due date and the birth of my niece had come and gone and I was still not pregnant again. But I still mustered up some hope- assuming naively that the next time we got pregnant we would be home free.

Fifth Christmas 2009
I'll admit that the darkness has settled into my spirit even deeper this year. I find that when I click to my blog page, and see the About Me section, I have often gasped in disbelief when I realize "That is me, 2 miscarriages and 1 failed adoption in just over two years- that..is...me" It is hard to fathom that I have lived through all that. DH had to drag me kicking and screaming into the holiday spirit this year. I am glad that he did- he pulled out all the decorations and I watched, as the fire roared and the xmas music played, I felt my spirit lift a bit. We plan to see some friends, sing Christmas carols together in front of the fire place, hold each other a little bit tighter and muster up more hope for what the new year might bring.