Updated with Part II. Click here to read the rest of the story
I don't know about you, but I struggle in life to recognize God's presence in my life. I hear others talk about hearing God's voice or receiving confirmation of God's plan, but I can't say that that is the way it goes for me.
There have been moments though- moments in which (particularly in hindsight, but also in the moment) that I am so aware of the "spirit at work" within me. It is hard to put words to it, but I just know that there have been moments when I know that something bigger than me is at work. I can recall a moment at church when I had a peace (almost a confirmation?) about my career change and my decision to apply to grad school. I can recall moments during DHs cancer treatment that we were so surrounded by caring friends, family and strangers, that we had not doubt of God's seemingly embracing us. And then there are those experiences, in which a dear friend who I have lost contact with has unexpectedly been on my mind all day, only to call them up after ages of not talking to them and to learn of some difficulty in their life, and that my timing was impeccable.
There are those moments- moments in which, for lack of better words, I feel the spirit moving in ways that are bigger than me, in ways I will never understand, in ways that humble me.
And then there are the times that feel absolutely nothing like that.
This last week, I feel like we are pushing a rock up a cliff. There is nothing about this past week that feels anything like the work of God. And I can't help but let the doubt creep in (and it has crept WAY in) and wonder if I am pushing my own agenda, that I am maybe pursuing a futile path. But as soon as I type that, I find myself even questioning if their is a bigger Plan in all of this anyways. If I didn't push my agenda, and explore all options at all cost, then what? Then where would this path take us?
When I called to schedule my CD 13 u/s- I called my usual clinic. Made an appointment. And then thought to myself, I really like the other clinic even better- so on a whim called them. They just happened to have (in a very tightly scheduled week) an appointment at their closer to me office with MY doctor (who I like a lot) at a time that worked for me.
So I show up there today. Pleased as punch that traffic cooperated and everything was going as planned, arrived with 10 minutes to spare. or so I thought...
And my appointment was not at THAT office, it was at the other office across town. Furthermroe, there were no more appointments at EITHER office with any doctors. This is where I start to loose it (on the inside at least, maybe on the outside?). I used words such as "frustrated" and "a challenging" but I am sure the receptionist has no idea how completely pissed I was. Or maybe she did, I don't know.
She offered me an appointment with an u/s tech. A) I would have had to drive to the other office and B) why would you have a tech do the u/s when usually you ONLY schedule these follicle checks with doctors. Isn't then there a reason you typically only schedule it with doctors? So why would I let a tech do it becuase you f#$@ed up your schedule? (What I wanted to say but didn't).
I walked out mumbling and said I "this isn't going to work."
I was near hysterical by the time I got out of the building. Phone in hand, dialing DH. Sobbing and raging to him as he tried to comfort me.
And I just wonder if the universe is telling me something. You see, it is not just this one appointment mishap. It is a bunch of small things. But moreso, it is the absence of anything that remotely resembles the spirit at work in all of this. So what does all this mean? Is the IF journey, just by its very nature, destined to be an uphill battle with no sense of the spirit at work? Am I just not opening myself up to be aware of the ways the spirit is at work? Or is all of this trying to tell me that I am barking up the wrong tree?
Is this IUI cycle just not meant to be? Is all of it not meant to be? How do I know if I keep fighting or just walk away...