Not meant to be? Part II

To put this in to context, read Part i here:

Once I regained some composure, I called my usual clinic (the clinic that I had had a cd 13 appointment, but then canceled to go to the other clinic). Well, I swallowed my pride and called them back to see if they could squeeze me back in. And they could! I came back home, blogged my last post, and tried to find my center again while I killed some time. I was still a bit fragile as I finished writing my last post (Part I) and was getting my coat on to leave for my follicle check. I hugged DH (have I mentioned how much I love him?) and shared with him some of my thoughts about not seeing a Bigger Plan in all of this and how this just does not feel like the times in which I am assured that the Spirit is on the move. I wondered aloud if we were making wrong decisions. He held me tight and said just the right things (Have I mentioned how DH is my rock?!!) "Hon, God doesn't usually come in the obvious ways, but rather in the still and in the quiet. The spirit is at work in this, maybe we need to be open to seeing the small ways." He held me tight as if he was trying to piece my fragile faith back together.

I left for my appointment, reflecting on how emotional I am these days- maybe the grief, maybe the drugs, maybe the unknowns. I was also bracing myself for the possibility of not liking the doctor who was on the schedule to do my u/s. He was really not my favorite the first time I had him (he did our IUI #1). The nurse took me back, got me situated, I told her I would need her to call in my HCG injection to the mail-order pharmacy. She left the exam room, and I swear, if I was a cartoon character, you could have seen a light bulb and cussing in the balloon above my head. I realized that if my follies were ready I would need HCG tonight! What was a thinking? I don't have time to have it shipped to me. And I don't know of any local pharmacies that carry it. Doh!! I was just shaking my head at the how messed up this cycle (seemed to ) has gotten. I almost got myself dressed and walked out right then and there.

The Dr. that I didn't think I liked came in....and he... was.... fabulous. Personable, friendly apologetic for the wait. I breathed a sigh of relief. My follies responded just as nicely to Fem.ara as to my last to clomid cycles. And I actually took some delight in seeing my insides on the u/s again after taking a month off. Two plump follies on the right and one on the left. Oh, what a nice sight to see. I love having follies ready on both sides, last cycle there was only follies on the right. They might be a bit too ready though (this happened last cycle too). But, oh well- I talked it through with the doctors and the nurse in depth and all feel that I still will be close enough, but next cycle (?) a CD 12 would be a better day for follie check. (I caught myself saying next cycle so matter of factly, and the nurse was very sweet to remind me "if" I needed a next cycle). They also have HCG on hand in the office (makes sense, but it never dawned on me- so they sent me home with what I needed, and I will just reimburse their supply).

IUI will be Thursday. Right in the middle of the work day. But I just don't care. I might even take the day off of work. Because I can. DH has the day off on Thursday.

This is all coming together....

Maybe I am missing the small, quiet ways in which the spirit is at work in all of this. Maybe the spirit is at work in giving me the strength to keep pushing the rock up the cliffside. Maybe the spirit was at work in the embrace of my husband, and the reminder that in all of this, having him as a husband is more beautiful gift than anything I could have imagined.

Maybe.