The swimmers have been delivered to be scrutinized by microspose This was a long process. I knew it was long, but I hadn't realized it was that long until I just looked back at my blog. April 3rd was the original appointment. Needless to say, it didn't happen. And it was hard on so many levels- ranges of emotions felt by one or both of us: disappointment, anger, humiliation, indifference, failure, frustration, blame, hopelessness, apathy.
It took a long time to reschedule. It was hard to attempt it again. This time he chose to do it at home and drive it to the lab.
It still wasn't easy. But we got it done.
While before, DH and I had some shared reactions, this time, I think we are experiencing different things.
DH is releived and (dare I say) -proud (I mean that with respect and admiration).
But I just can't help by feel like "What the hell are we doing?" This isn't what it is supposed to be like! This is absurd." I just don't know what I want (if you haven't noticed in, ummm...., ALL of my other posts.) And I don't have much confidence that we will actually find anything out from this test. And if we DO find anything out, what are we supposed to do with that information. What the heck are we supposed to do.
So his sperm are happy, and active, and dancing for joy. Well, then what?
So his sperm are slow, and sluggish, and not plentiful. Well, then what?
And if they are non-existent? Sigh... who knows.
whatever the answer, it will cost us to get the medical help we need. I wish our insurance paid for at least some of the costs. I wish I had a guarantee that if we pay x dollars, we are guaranteed to have a child. (See, here I go again with the not knowing what I want. I really should find a new rant for my blog posts)
I don't want to know the results from the lab, ....and yet I already put a reminder in my calendar to follow up with them on the results.
Stay tuned.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
I am more than what I am not
It doesn't take long as you read in the IF blogosphere to see that this Sunday, and the days leading up to it are often tough days. I know that is where I am right now... So, here is what came to me today.
As Sunday approaches and I put one foot in front of the other,
I choose not to grieve who I am not and what I don't have.
Rather, I choose to celebrate who I am and what I do have.
I do not know what it is like to give birth to a child
I am not experiencing the butterfly kicks of a child within me.
I do not have children according to the definitions of society.
I am not a mother in the eyes of most.
But I am more than what I am not.
I have a mother that loves me with all her being and has done her best to raise me to be who I am.
I am who I am in part because of the women who have been mother's to me- my mom, my mother's mom, and my aunt.
I have had the privilege of knowing what it feels like to have your heart gripped by love for children that you did not give birth to or raise. My step children and my "daughter" Yolle who we came so close to adopting- you have forever changed me.
I am keenly aware of the ways in which my desire to "mother" can give back to this world in so many ways.
I have clarity in my heart and soul that I am living out a purposeful life here on this earth. I do not know how or what, but of this I am certain.
As Sunday approaches and I put one foot in front of the other,
I choose not to grieve who I am not and what I don't have.
Rather, I choose to celebrate who I am and what I do have.
I do not know what it is like to give birth to a child
I am not experiencing the butterfly kicks of a child within me.
I do not have children according to the definitions of society.
I am not a mother in the eyes of most.
But I am more than what I am not.
I have a mother that loves me with all her being and has done her best to raise me to be who I am.
I am who I am in part because of the women who have been mother's to me- my mom, my mother's mom, and my aunt.
I have had the privilege of knowing what it feels like to have your heart gripped by love for children that you did not give birth to or raise. My step children and my "daughter" Yolle who we came so close to adopting- you have forever changed me.
I am keenly aware of the ways in which my desire to "mother" can give back to this world in so many ways.
I have clarity in my heart and soul that I am living out a purposeful life here on this earth. I do not know how or what, but of this I am certain.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Struggle
Not sure where I have been.
I keep thinking about blogging, but thinking never turns into typing.
Grieving and healing are funny things. So unexpected and yet so normal.
The grief has been raw at times in the past couple of weeks. I didn't know why at first. But I think having my period start once again triggered another wave of emotions. Which probably explains why I have not been blogging since my last post when I wrote about my period starting. Coincidence? I think not.
I am ambivalent about trying to create our family. To be clear, I am not ambivalent about wanting to have a child. I KNOW that I want a child and that I want it now. But I am ambivalent about how to go about making that happen. Our international homestudy adoption process is on hold- cuz I don't have the energy or interest or excitement any more. I don't even have clarity any more that an international adoption is what I want. My period returning was complicated for me because now it means that a) sex could mean pregnancy and/or b) I could start trying to get pregnant again (charting temps, counting days, OPKs). And I really don't know if I want either option. I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE THROUGH weeks of sheer fear between HPT and 1st ultrasound. and I DO NOW WANT to think about this every single day. I can't/won't do it again. And yet I don't want to give up my dream of being pregnant. Fuck. I hate this.
I haven't been reading many blogs lately. I just have been too raw. But I have come across some stories and it feels like a theme. Stories of unexpected adoptions, unexpected journeys, women finding themselves, not by their own doing, becoming a mother in unexpected ways. And I think to myself- I so wish I could just DO NOTHING and trust that something will happen. But I don't trust that. I hear other people of faith talking about Trusting God, and trusting God's will for your life. and I do in a big picture way- I trust that there is a purpose in living out a life of grace, compassion, and love- but I plain don't trust in the specifics. I don't trust that I will indeed be pregnant some day. I don't trust that I will be a mom. I don't trust that any of it will just miraculously happen. I struggle with the "just have faith" mantra. What does that mean anyways? And the flipside to this is I feel like I have to be DOING something, like i have to push and fight and struggle to make this happen if I ever want to be a frickin' parent.
Oh, the tears are flowing. Sorry. I didn't realize that all this was brewing in me.
so now what? i don't know. I am tired, I am tired of trying to give life to the dream. I am tired of even hanging on to the dream. I am tired of not knowing what is next, or if this is all just a waste of time.
And I am tired of gloomy blog posts.
I keep thinking about blogging, but thinking never turns into typing.
Grieving and healing are funny things. So unexpected and yet so normal.
The grief has been raw at times in the past couple of weeks. I didn't know why at first. But I think having my period start once again triggered another wave of emotions. Which probably explains why I have not been blogging since my last post when I wrote about my period starting. Coincidence? I think not.
I am ambivalent about trying to create our family. To be clear, I am not ambivalent about wanting to have a child. I KNOW that I want a child and that I want it now. But I am ambivalent about how to go about making that happen. Our international homestudy adoption process is on hold- cuz I don't have the energy or interest or excitement any more. I don't even have clarity any more that an international adoption is what I want. My period returning was complicated for me because now it means that a) sex could mean pregnancy and/or b) I could start trying to get pregnant again (charting temps, counting days, OPKs). And I really don't know if I want either option. I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE THROUGH weeks of sheer fear between HPT and 1st ultrasound. and I DO NOW WANT to think about this every single day. I can't/won't do it again. And yet I don't want to give up my dream of being pregnant. Fuck. I hate this.
I haven't been reading many blogs lately. I just have been too raw. But I have come across some stories and it feels like a theme. Stories of unexpected adoptions, unexpected journeys, women finding themselves, not by their own doing, becoming a mother in unexpected ways. And I think to myself- I so wish I could just DO NOTHING and trust that something will happen. But I don't trust that. I hear other people of faith talking about Trusting God, and trusting God's will for your life. and I do in a big picture way- I trust that there is a purpose in living out a life of grace, compassion, and love- but I plain don't trust in the specifics. I don't trust that I will indeed be pregnant some day. I don't trust that I will be a mom. I don't trust that any of it will just miraculously happen. I struggle with the "just have faith" mantra. What does that mean anyways? And the flipside to this is I feel like I have to be DOING something, like i have to push and fight and struggle to make this happen if I ever want to be a frickin' parent.
Oh, the tears are flowing. Sorry. I didn't realize that all this was brewing in me.
so now what? i don't know. I am tired, I am tired of trying to give life to the dream. I am tired of even hanging on to the dream. I am tired of not knowing what is next, or if this is all just a waste of time.
And I am tired of gloomy blog posts.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Cycles
My period came today. And boy, it was not happy. I've never had cramps this bad. Since the ibuprofen has finally caught up to it and taken the edge off for the first time today, now I can try to type out my thoughts..
I usually find some satisfaction in my period arriving. I know that makes zero sense probably. Except for the months that I was really really blue about not being pregnant, my period coming always felt like a fresh start. A reset button if you will. No matter how down I would be at first about another "failed" month, it never took long to be flooded with hope again. A fresh start. I also always marveled at how the body worked- and the fact that my body knew how many days had passed, and knew when to start the cycle again. Like clockwork. And I had no control over it. The mystery amazed me.
I remember after my first d&C, I SO longed for my period to come quickly. I wanted the reset button to be hit. I wanted to know I could start trying again to get pregnant. I wanted to start a new. When my period came, it was such sweet relief. Only two weeks after my surgery, it returned, and my cycle started again, and the rhythmic clockwork began. As if nothing had changed.
This time has been different. This past Friday was 5 weeks since my 2nd d&c and no sign of my period. I was beginning to worry. But in a way, I think it also has been a relief. As the tell tale spots began to appear yesterday, foreshadowing its arrival, a bit of anxiety crept in. The first period after a miscarriage means a chance to start again, charting temps, counting days, timing sex, hoping.....
But my spirit isn't ready yet. And as my period began, I realized that I was perfectly content with how long it has taken this time for my cycle to resume. Because, I know I have not been nor will I be ready soon.
So I am not sure what to think now that AF is here. I pray that time will tell, and the cycle will play out, on its own, and that I will be okay with whatever it may bring.
I usually find some satisfaction in my period arriving. I know that makes zero sense probably. Except for the months that I was really really blue about not being pregnant, my period coming always felt like a fresh start. A reset button if you will. No matter how down I would be at first about another "failed" month, it never took long to be flooded with hope again. A fresh start. I also always marveled at how the body worked- and the fact that my body knew how many days had passed, and knew when to start the cycle again. Like clockwork. And I had no control over it. The mystery amazed me.
I remember after my first d&C, I SO longed for my period to come quickly. I wanted the reset button to be hit. I wanted to know I could start trying again to get pregnant. I wanted to start a new. When my period came, it was such sweet relief. Only two weeks after my surgery, it returned, and my cycle started again, and the rhythmic clockwork began. As if nothing had changed.
This time has been different. This past Friday was 5 weeks since my 2nd d&c and no sign of my period. I was beginning to worry. But in a way, I think it also has been a relief. As the tell tale spots began to appear yesterday, foreshadowing its arrival, a bit of anxiety crept in. The first period after a miscarriage means a chance to start again, charting temps, counting days, timing sex, hoping.....
But my spirit isn't ready yet. And as my period began, I realized that I was perfectly content with how long it has taken this time for my cycle to resume. Because, I know I have not been nor will I be ready soon.
So I am not sure what to think now that AF is here. I pray that time will tell, and the cycle will play out, on its own, and that I will be okay with whatever it may bring.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Wanted: Fast Forward function on my Grief remote control
In one of the fitness/weight loss blogs I read Roni, wrote about the funk she was fighting. She was struggling through her day, and not making good choices. One of her commentors pointed out that Roni had just finished a 10K race, a goal she had been working towards for a long time. She had the high of completion and the culmination of the load road to achieving that goal, followed by a vaccuum. She did not yet have her next big goal. The commentor said "Realize that this is only temporary, DO continue to fight it, but don’t be so hard on yourself because you are doing what the human animal tends to do. It’s very depressing to finish a goal, because then….what to do??"
This hit home for me. Realizing that all my energy after this recent d&c has been put into creating new goals. I have been making a point to answer the "what to do next?" before the funk could set in. I skipped the "funk" by throwing myself into a laudry list of new goals. I went back to Weight Watchers (not successfully so far), I started an advanced spanish class, I finally hired a handyman to fix the damn squeaky bed, I took on a new project at work.
But, we all know you can't really avoid the funk. I think Friday was all about the funk finally catching up. Sometimes, the funk just needs to be there. There is no way to fast forward grief, as much as I really really would like to. My to do list can't be a substitute for not grieving the loss of our expectations in life.
This hit home for me. Realizing that all my energy after this recent d&c has been put into creating new goals. I have been making a point to answer the "what to do next?" before the funk could set in. I skipped the "funk" by throwing myself into a laudry list of new goals. I went back to Weight Watchers (not successfully so far), I started an advanced spanish class, I finally hired a handyman to fix the damn squeaky bed, I took on a new project at work.
But, we all know you can't really avoid the funk. I think Friday was all about the funk finally catching up. Sometimes, the funk just needs to be there. There is no way to fast forward grief, as much as I really really would like to. My to do list can't be a substitute for not grieving the loss of our expectations in life.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Hoping this same hope finds me
I found it interesting when I looked back on my ugly rant from yesterday.... It was Good Friday. Oh, there are so many parallels to my life and this Lenten journey to Easter. If my finite human brain could only begin to fully grasp what is at work in all of this.
I don't have a lot of words tonight. I feel like I should as we round the corner to the new life that is coming tomorrow. I pray that the hope of Easter finds me as well and fills my fear-filled tombs.
Instead, I leave you with someone else's words. A bit of inspired hope on the verge of a Holy Day:
"Jesus of Nazareth, who was crucified ... has been raised" (Mark 16:6).
When Mary Magdalene, Mary and Salome came to the tomb, their hopes and fears intersected. They wondered aloud about the impossibly large and heavy stone that presented an obstacle to their immediate plans. Worse, what they thought lay behind the stone was unspeakably devastating. Jesus, who embodied the hope of God's promise in a fully human life, was not simply dead, but crucified -- executed in the most extreme humiliation, a savage mockery of the hope that had lived with him.
But the stone was gone, the grave empty. Where they had expected to hear the silence of death's mockery, they were met by an astonishing message that the crucified one was raised from the dead, that their hope was victorious over humiliation, and that Jesus lives and is leading the way into an unexpected, surprising future with God.
Jesus lives and resurrection hope beckons. Jesus' resurrection on the third day signals that God is not finished until the life of Jesus renews the whole creation. Sinners once haunted by the threats of judgment will live forgiven, restored, renewed and freed. All lives broken by sin's injustices and haunted by death's terrors will be transformed by joy and transfigured into the new creation in Christ.
You and I are witnesses of this new creation. You have been baptized into Jesus' death and resurrection and have heard his promise. Your lives are hidden in his and he feeds you with a foretaste of the eternal feast of joy. He will meet you in your hope. He claims your daily work and makes it into a holy calling. He lives in you and sends you into the world as an ambassador of reconciliation, a testimony of God's incomparable love. Jesus lives! Your life in him is resurrection witness.
"This is our God ... let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation!" (Isaiah 25:9).
The Rev. Mark S. Hanson
Presiding Bishop
Evangelical Lutheran Church in America
I don't have a lot of words tonight. I feel like I should as we round the corner to the new life that is coming tomorrow. I pray that the hope of Easter finds me as well and fills my fear-filled tombs.
Instead, I leave you with someone else's words. A bit of inspired hope on the verge of a Holy Day:
"Jesus of Nazareth, who was crucified ... has been raised" (Mark 16:6).
When Mary Magdalene, Mary and Salome came to the tomb, their hopes and fears intersected. They wondered aloud about the impossibly large and heavy stone that presented an obstacle to their immediate plans. Worse, what they thought lay behind the stone was unspeakably devastating. Jesus, who embodied the hope of God's promise in a fully human life, was not simply dead, but crucified -- executed in the most extreme humiliation, a savage mockery of the hope that had lived with him.
But the stone was gone, the grave empty. Where they had expected to hear the silence of death's mockery, they were met by an astonishing message that the crucified one was raised from the dead, that their hope was victorious over humiliation, and that Jesus lives and is leading the way into an unexpected, surprising future with God.
Jesus lives and resurrection hope beckons. Jesus' resurrection on the third day signals that God is not finished until the life of Jesus renews the whole creation. Sinners once haunted by the threats of judgment will live forgiven, restored, renewed and freed. All lives broken by sin's injustices and haunted by death's terrors will be transformed by joy and transfigured into the new creation in Christ.
You and I are witnesses of this new creation. You have been baptized into Jesus' death and resurrection and have heard his promise. Your lives are hidden in his and he feeds you with a foretaste of the eternal feast of joy. He will meet you in your hope. He claims your daily work and makes it into a holy calling. He lives in you and sends you into the world as an ambassador of reconciliation, a testimony of God's incomparable love. Jesus lives! Your life in him is resurrection witness.
"This is our God ... let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation!" (Isaiah 25:9).
The Rev. Mark S. Hanson
Presiding Bishop
Evangelical Lutheran Church in America
Friday, April 10, 2009
Pissed
i'm pissed
i am pissed that the taxes aren't done.
i'm pissed that the husband has been gone all day when I didn't want to be alone
i am pissed that he has been getting done things on HIS list, rather than OUR list
i am pissed that I am not pregnant. plain pissed.
i am pissed that I have no idea how I will ever be a parent..or if I will ever be a parent.
i am pissed that the house isn't perfect.
i am pissed that the sky is grey today.
i am pissed that my ex-boyfriend/friend just had their second baby.
i am pissed that my husband called from the semen testing lab saying "this just isn't going to work"
i am just pissed.
I picked a fight with husband just a few minutes ago. I knew without a doubt that I woke up in a pissy mood, for no particular reason. I am not truly pissed at him, he has actually been so steady for me through all of this. I am just pissed that this is my life right now.
Easter is a few days away, but their are no signs of new life here. I am still very much in Lent.
i am pissed that the taxes aren't done.
i'm pissed that the husband has been gone all day when I didn't want to be alone
i am pissed that he has been getting done things on HIS list, rather than OUR list
i am pissed that I am not pregnant. plain pissed.
i am pissed that I have no idea how I will ever be a parent..or if I will ever be a parent.
i am pissed that the house isn't perfect.
i am pissed that the sky is grey today.
i am pissed that my ex-boyfriend/friend just had their second baby.
i am pissed that my husband called from the semen testing lab saying "this just isn't going to work"
i am just pissed.
I picked a fight with husband just a few minutes ago. I knew without a doubt that I woke up in a pissy mood, for no particular reason. I am not truly pissed at him, he has actually been so steady for me through all of this. I am just pissed that this is my life right now.
Easter is a few days away, but their are no signs of new life here. I am still very much in Lent.
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