Cycles

My period came today. And boy, it was not happy. I've never had cramps this bad. Since the ibuprofen has finally caught up to it and taken the edge off for the first time today, now I can try to type out my thoughts..

I usually find some satisfaction in my period arriving. I know that makes zero sense probably. Except for the months that I was really really blue about not being pregnant, my period coming always felt like a fresh start. A reset button if you will. No matter how down I would be at first about another "failed" month, it never took long to be flooded with hope again. A fresh start. I also always marveled at how the body worked- and the fact that my body knew how many days had passed, and knew when to start the cycle again. Like clockwork. And I had no control over it. The mystery amazed me.

I remember after my first d&C, I SO longed for my period to come quickly. I wanted the reset button to be hit. I wanted to know I could start trying again to get pregnant. I wanted to start a new. When my period came, it was such sweet relief. Only two weeks after my surgery, it returned, and my cycle started again, and the rhythmic clockwork began. As if nothing had changed.

This time has been different. This past Friday was 5 weeks since my 2nd d&c and no sign of my period. I was beginning to worry. But in a way, I think it also has been a relief. As the tell tale spots began to appear yesterday, foreshadowing its arrival, a bit of anxiety crept in. The first period after a miscarriage means a chance to start again, charting temps, counting days, timing sex, hoping.....

But my spirit isn't ready yet. And as my period began, I realized that I was perfectly content with how long it has taken this time for my cycle to resume. Because, I know I have not been nor will I be ready soon.

So I am not sure what to think now that AF is here. I pray that time will tell, and the cycle will play out, on its own, and that I will be okay with whatever it may bring.