It is eerie how history is repeating itself. My mom dealt with infertility caused by endometriosis. I always knew this, and I always knew that the fact she got pregnant with me was pretty miraculous. But now as I am facing the same diagnosis, the magnitude of this is hitting much closer to home.
40 years ago, almost to the month, my mom ended up in the hospital with severe pain. She was diagnosed with endometriosis and told to get pregnant sooner versus later. She was 21 and newly married.
Years went by and they were never able to get pregnant. They decided to adopt and 5 years after her diagnosis they adopted my older sister as an infant. 4 more years passed and they looked forward to adopting again soon as they were nearing the top of the wait list.
My dad ended up in the ER after breaking his ankle at a party. As the story goes, my mom had been throwing up, assumed she had the flu. My dad's nurse convinced her to take a pregnancy test. They got the call the next day that it was positive, and my mom had even forgotten about the test. She had been living with endo for almost 10 years at this point. And never in all that time did she get pregnant. I had always found meaning in this story, I grew up not taking being able to get pregnant for granted because I knew from an early age the grief and joy my parents experienced as they grew their family. But the reality of just how long they waited is hitting close to home. I know all about waiting. The nearly a decade that they were unsuccessful in getting pregnant, and then out of now where she gets pregnant with me, has a healthy uneventful pregnancy and birth. This boggles my mind.
I snuck into this world. There is no rhyme or reason why I am here. I defy all research and statistics.
Hoping our child some day knows the depth of the miracle that he/she too will be.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Where my thoughts are
When we first received the diagnosis, I grieved pretty hard. I wasn't expecting that, and it caught me off guard. I can feel that shifting now and I am certain that the day we did our bloodwork and banking helped. For the first time in a long time, we were making forward motion towards our goal- of having a family. And, now I feel like I am patiently awaiting diving head first into our first IVF next month.
But where I get stuck in my head with thoughts that are less then helpful and sap my positive hopeful mood is when it comes to my body and old history-
My body- I have wanted to lose weight. I don't feel good about my body at all right now. And I have been trying, and it just hasn't been coming off. I always imagined losing this weight before getting pregnant. And now, we are talking about diving into IVF immediately. And I am fearful of how this will be. I know the injections and such are tough on overall health to start with, and I know how pudgy I felt in the two previous pregnancies, even early on. And I just dread the thought of adding all of that on top of my current weight, in which I just don't feel very comfortable in my own skin. And yet, I don't have the energy to postpone this IVF cycle either- I am ready to do this now. I just hope that even with the extra weight I am carrying, I can embrace my body and all of its changes if (when?) I get pregnant. I fear that instead i won't enjoy the pregnancy because of how uncomfortable I already feel in my own skin.
Old history- I've written about it before, but the grief of our two miscarriages has always been amplified because of how identical they were in the calendar. So, our miscarriages both were in the same month, one year apart. And our unfulfilled due dates then were also were both to be in October, one year apart. If we proceed with this first IVF as planned, we would be following that exact same timeline. And we'd have the same approximate due date as both of our previous losses. this has been tugging at my heart- scared that we are being set up for yet another loss in the same time frame and only compounding and reopening the hurt. Then the other side of me secretly wishes for this very first IVF to work- for it to all go smoothly, and in the end finally fulfill those October due dates that when unfilled previously. I long for the story to be written that way, but fear that we will just be walking the road of deep despair instead.
Like I said, I know this isn't very helpful thinking, and I hope to stop dwelling on it and just move on, but maybe by writing it out, I can start to let go of the fears and trust I'll be able to do this one day at a time.
But where I get stuck in my head with thoughts that are less then helpful and sap my positive hopeful mood is when it comes to my body and old history-
My body- I have wanted to lose weight. I don't feel good about my body at all right now. And I have been trying, and it just hasn't been coming off. I always imagined losing this weight before getting pregnant. And now, we are talking about diving into IVF immediately. And I am fearful of how this will be. I know the injections and such are tough on overall health to start with, and I know how pudgy I felt in the two previous pregnancies, even early on. And I just dread the thought of adding all of that on top of my current weight, in which I just don't feel very comfortable in my own skin. And yet, I don't have the energy to postpone this IVF cycle either- I am ready to do this now. I just hope that even with the extra weight I am carrying, I can embrace my body and all of its changes if (when?) I get pregnant. I fear that instead i won't enjoy the pregnancy because of how uncomfortable I already feel in my own skin.
Old history- I've written about it before, but the grief of our two miscarriages has always been amplified because of how identical they were in the calendar. So, our miscarriages both were in the same month, one year apart. And our unfulfilled due dates then were also were both to be in October, one year apart. If we proceed with this first IVF as planned, we would be following that exact same timeline. And we'd have the same approximate due date as both of our previous losses. this has been tugging at my heart- scared that we are being set up for yet another loss in the same time frame and only compounding and reopening the hurt. Then the other side of me secretly wishes for this very first IVF to work- for it to all go smoothly, and in the end finally fulfill those October due dates that when unfilled previously. I long for the story to be written that way, but fear that we will just be walking the road of deep despair instead.
Like I said, I know this isn't very helpful thinking, and I hope to stop dwelling on it and just move on, but maybe by writing it out, I can start to let go of the fears and trust I'll be able to do this one day at a time.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Bloodwork and Banking
Yesterday I had a quick blood draw. My RE wanted to check my AMH to look at ovarian reserve. I was going to object, because it isn't covered by insurance and I just had this done a year ago and it was fine then.
But a year ago, I didn't have a grapefruit size endometrioma encasing my ovarian. And after consulting Dr. google, I am learning that ovarian reserve can be hindered by this cyst. Ugh! Just what I need. Saying some prayers that my eggs are still plentiful.
The doctor also ordered a glucose/insulin test. Which I am so glad. I have been concerned that I have developed insulin resistant and I mentioned this to me. And he took me seriously! (Novel concept- can you tell that my experience with doctors in the past has me a bit jaded). I'll have both tests back in a week. That is about the only thing we are waiting on before knowing for sure if we'll start IVF next cycle.
Then the bank. We had some unexpected extra time after visiting the lab and before I had to get to work, so we stopped at the bank to explore one of the options we are considering in figuring out how to make the finances work for IVF. DH admitted to me later that he was fully expecting the trip to be a waste of time. And instead it was the easiest, most straightforward process and we gained a ton of information from a very sweet banker. Basically, if we choose to go this route, we are now all set to be able to make the IVF for our next cycle. And all it took was 20 minute conversation and setting up a few things. As we left the bank, arm in arm I teared up a bit- grateful to have something go so smoothly for a change, and I said to DH "She (the banker) has no idea the significant role she just played in the final steps to bringing us home a baby." DH giggled and squeezed me and we walked to the car in amazement. He has mentioned that moment several times since as he says he loves hearing me talk with hope again for a change.
And he is right, it does feel good to let hope seep back in just a bit-
But a year ago, I didn't have a grapefruit size endometrioma encasing my ovarian. And after consulting Dr. google, I am learning that ovarian reserve can be hindered by this cyst. Ugh! Just what I need. Saying some prayers that my eggs are still plentiful.
The doctor also ordered a glucose/insulin test. Which I am so glad. I have been concerned that I have developed insulin resistant and I mentioned this to me. And he took me seriously! (Novel concept- can you tell that my experience with doctors in the past has me a bit jaded). I'll have both tests back in a week. That is about the only thing we are waiting on before knowing for sure if we'll start IVF next cycle.
Then the bank. We had some unexpected extra time after visiting the lab and before I had to get to work, so we stopped at the bank to explore one of the options we are considering in figuring out how to make the finances work for IVF. DH admitted to me later that he was fully expecting the trip to be a waste of time. And instead it was the easiest, most straightforward process and we gained a ton of information from a very sweet banker. Basically, if we choose to go this route, we are now all set to be able to make the IVF for our next cycle. And all it took was 20 minute conversation and setting up a few things. As we left the bank, arm in arm I teared up a bit- grateful to have something go so smoothly for a change, and I said to DH "She (the banker) has no idea the significant role she just played in the final steps to bringing us home a baby." DH giggled and squeezed me and we walked to the car in amazement. He has mentioned that moment several times since as he says he loves hearing me talk with hope again for a change.
And he is right, it does feel good to let hope seep back in just a bit-
Thursday, December 9, 2010
YES! No, Maybe, wait, I mean...
Where am I?
Tired. Spinning. Interspersed with itsy bitsy tiny glimpses of hope and excitement. (Emphasizing tiny).
I think I am grieving, which is surprising me a bit. I am glad there is a clear answer why we haven't gotten pregnant, I'm glad there is a definite reason for the pain, that it wasn't all in my head.
But I guess I am sort of not ready to leave naive land where I could dream that maybe, just maybe we could just give it time and eventually we'd get pregnant on our own. So, as I come in to our new reality I feel some grief.
The endo is stage 4. It has entirely encased one of my ovaries in a grapefruit size endometrioma (spelling?). Most likely it is spread lots of places.
Doc said that we could do surgery to remove it- but it will come back, and in the meantime removing it won't improve our chances of TTC that greatly and given we also have not so great numbers in the sperm area of things, and we aren't getting any younger- he recommends IVF as the next step.
And by next step I mean as in the very next step- starting our first IVF on my next cycle which starts in just a couple of weeks.
Commence freak out.
Part of me is ready- i like the idea of not thinking about it or planning for it, but just doing it. we've been on this journey for THREE YEARS. part of me feels like ripping the band aid off and just diving in. Waiting accomplishes nothing anymore.
But my responsible side if stressing about the money. As of a few weeks ago, I had finally declared to DH that I felt like we were on track and that we'd be able to make this work to do IVF down the road. But in three weeks? We would have to make some financial decisions now that I wasn't yet ready to make. So, my anal excel sheet side of me is freaking out a bit.
But - we know now that our only option is IVF. and by all accounts we are good candidates for coming out on the other end with a baby. And that makes me so joy ful and so scared to death at the same time. I'm not sure if I am ready to handle the emotionally fraught 1st trimester. Waiting for the chance at seeing a heartbeat. I'm not sure if I can handle any more bad luck.
IVF, I am ready to take you on (i think), and I will do so with courage (i hope), but please or please spare us a little bit (or a lot), will you? Let us not fall on the wrong side of statistics yet again. (if this is even the step we decide to take).
I beg of you.
Tired. Spinning. Interspersed with itsy bitsy tiny glimpses of hope and excitement. (Emphasizing tiny).
I think I am grieving, which is surprising me a bit. I am glad there is a clear answer why we haven't gotten pregnant, I'm glad there is a definite reason for the pain, that it wasn't all in my head.
But I guess I am sort of not ready to leave naive land where I could dream that maybe, just maybe we could just give it time and eventually we'd get pregnant on our own. So, as I come in to our new reality I feel some grief.
The endo is stage 4. It has entirely encased one of my ovaries in a grapefruit size endometrioma (spelling?). Most likely it is spread lots of places.
Doc said that we could do surgery to remove it- but it will come back, and in the meantime removing it won't improve our chances of TTC that greatly and given we also have not so great numbers in the sperm area of things, and we aren't getting any younger- he recommends IVF as the next step.
And by next step I mean as in the very next step- starting our first IVF on my next cycle which starts in just a couple of weeks.
Commence freak out.
Part of me is ready- i like the idea of not thinking about it or planning for it, but just doing it. we've been on this journey for THREE YEARS. part of me feels like ripping the band aid off and just diving in. Waiting accomplishes nothing anymore.
But my responsible side if stressing about the money. As of a few weeks ago, I had finally declared to DH that I felt like we were on track and that we'd be able to make this work to do IVF down the road. But in three weeks? We would have to make some financial decisions now that I wasn't yet ready to make. So, my anal excel sheet side of me is freaking out a bit.
But - we know now that our only option is IVF. and by all accounts we are good candidates for coming out on the other end with a baby. And that makes me so joy ful and so scared to death at the same time. I'm not sure if I am ready to handle the emotionally fraught 1st trimester. Waiting for the chance at seeing a heartbeat. I'm not sure if I can handle any more bad luck.
IVF, I am ready to take you on (i think), and I will do so with courage (i hope), but please or please spare us a little bit (or a lot), will you? Let us not fall on the wrong side of statistics yet again. (if this is even the step we decide to take).
I beg of you.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Diagnosis
Extensive Endometriosis
Diagnosed today by my RE
My right ovary is the size of a grape fruit
The rules of the game just changed and my head is spinning.
Diagnosed today by my RE
My right ovary is the size of a grape fruit
The rules of the game just changed and my head is spinning.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Step 1& 2 done- 3, 4, & 5 to come
My Plan I've added one more plan of action, so my 4 step plan is now 5 steps. The goal in all of this is a) having movement so I feel like I am pro-active in our TTC and overall health, and b) making sure at the end of this journey, however it goes, that I can feel like I advocated for myself in making no stone is unturned. Step 1 was my current gynecologist- I was skeptical. She hasn't been the greatest doctor for me and I have been on the verge of walking away from my 12 year relationship with her. This appointment sealed the deal. I talked about my extreme pain I had experience last cycle and she was patronizing, tapped me on the knee, and said- "pain is just a part of getting older, make sure to have some advil handy." She also repeatedly reminded me I was soon to be advanced maternal age and I needed to "get a move on" and get pregnant. My jaw hit the ground- she KNOWS my history- two miscarriages and now infertility- WHAT DOES SHE THINK I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO DO. Anyways. Done with her. Needless to say, the appointment didn't accomplish much, other than confirming for me she is not a good doctor for me.
Step 2- I had an appointment with a nutritionist I have been working with a bit. Nothing earth shattering came from it, but good for overall health. I told her I believe I have insulin resistance, and she was helpful in saying that it is a credible disorder and that any (good) doctor should pursue exploring this.
Step 3 is this week. And I am surprised that i am the most nervous about this one. I'm seeing my RE. I haven't seen him in a long while (9months maybe?). I'll be talking to him about this severe pain and insulin resistance. But also, I want to map out as plan b (well, C? D? down the road a bit more) the pre-testing needed for IVF. I'm still giving us another year or so, give or take a few months, but once we reach the point of feeling ready to move on to IVF, i don't want to dawdle getting to the start line.
Step 4 and 5 are for good measure- seeing an naturopath/acupuncturist the following week and a gynecologist that came highly recommended by a friend. If my RE takes me seriously and is aggressive in trying to understand this pain, and my insulin concerns- I may cancel the appointment with the gynecologist. But if not- I wanted a back-up option already on the calendar.
It is a lot of appointments, it feels like overkill. But then again, it feels good to have a plan. Most of all, it just feels good to finally have the energy (again) to plow forward- I feel like we've refocused on what we want in all of this (family) and what we have to do to move us in that direction (push the rock up the hill of TTC).
Step 2- I had an appointment with a nutritionist I have been working with a bit. Nothing earth shattering came from it, but good for overall health. I told her I believe I have insulin resistance, and she was helpful in saying that it is a credible disorder and that any (good) doctor should pursue exploring this.
Step 3 is this week. And I am surprised that i am the most nervous about this one. I'm seeing my RE. I haven't seen him in a long while (9months maybe?). I'll be talking to him about this severe pain and insulin resistance. But also, I want to map out as plan b (well, C? D? down the road a bit more) the pre-testing needed for IVF. I'm still giving us another year or so, give or take a few months, but once we reach the point of feeling ready to move on to IVF, i don't want to dawdle getting to the start line.
Step 4 and 5 are for good measure- seeing an naturopath/acupuncturist the following week and a gynecologist that came highly recommended by a friend. If my RE takes me seriously and is aggressive in trying to understand this pain, and my insulin concerns- I may cancel the appointment with the gynecologist. But if not- I wanted a back-up option already on the calendar.
It is a lot of appointments, it feels like overkill. But then again, it feels good to have a plan. Most of all, it just feels good to finally have the energy (again) to plow forward- I feel like we've refocused on what we want in all of this (family) and what we have to do to move us in that direction (push the rock up the hill of TTC).
Thursday, November 25, 2010
The things that most deserve our gratitude
We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures. ~Thornton Wilder
We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude. ~Cynthia Ozick
(Forgive my rant from yesterday, my heart is still raw with the news, but for now, it is a day for gratitude.)
My husband- I can't begin to express my gratitude for this man, my best friend, life partner and the most amazing manifestation of "family" I have ever known. There are not words to express how grateful I am to share each day with you.
Our home- Every wall, door, electrical outlet in our little condo has been our handy work, and our vision for a simple, modest home that we can share with others. I'm grateful we chose to live small and simple and cherish all the ways in which we have shared it with others.
Steady income- I give thanks that for right now, we have good jobs, steady income, and a plan to pay off our school loans very soon.
Friends that are like family- My family is small and always has been small. I have only a few cousins and we never really were close with them. My mom was an only child and my dad's siblings didn't have many kids. My husband's family is also small, fragmented, and dysfunctional. We've always viewed our close friends as part of the extended family we never had- and I am continually in awe of how loved we are from these friends.
The love I glimpsed- It is hard to talk about "gratitude" when it comes to our miscarriages. Most of the last almost 3 years has been healing and grieving those losses and living in fear that we'll never have a living child. But I would be amiss if I didn't speak my gratitude for those tiny windows of time in which the two lines appeared and I was carrying life in me. I never knew it was possible to love in that way, I never knew I could feel such immense joy in the blink of an eye. For two tiny windows of time, my love overflowed for the life created within and all I hope he or she would be. And for those slivers of time, I am grateful.
We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude. ~Cynthia Ozick
(Forgive my rant from yesterday, my heart is still raw with the news, but for now, it is a day for gratitude.)
My husband- I can't begin to express my gratitude for this man, my best friend, life partner and the most amazing manifestation of "family" I have ever known. There are not words to express how grateful I am to share each day with you.
Our home- Every wall, door, electrical outlet in our little condo has been our handy work, and our vision for a simple, modest home that we can share with others. I'm grateful we chose to live small and simple and cherish all the ways in which we have shared it with others.
Steady income- I give thanks that for right now, we have good jobs, steady income, and a plan to pay off our school loans very soon.
Friends that are like family- My family is small and always has been small. I have only a few cousins and we never really were close with them. My mom was an only child and my dad's siblings didn't have many kids. My husband's family is also small, fragmented, and dysfunctional. We've always viewed our close friends as part of the extended family we never had- and I am continually in awe of how loved we are from these friends.
The love I glimpsed- It is hard to talk about "gratitude" when it comes to our miscarriages. Most of the last almost 3 years has been healing and grieving those losses and living in fear that we'll never have a living child. But I would be amiss if I didn't speak my gratitude for those tiny windows of time in which the two lines appeared and I was carrying life in me. I never knew it was possible to love in that way, I never knew I could feel such immense joy in the blink of an eye. For two tiny windows of time, my love overflowed for the life created within and all I hope he or she would be. And for those slivers of time, I am grateful.
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