Friday, March 14, 2008

Journals from Miscarriage #1

(My first ultrasound showed an empty sac. Dr. wanted me to wait and do another ultrasound. She said it was too early. But I knew at this point it would not end well...)

Text book grief:
Did I cause this? Did I will this to happen? Was I not grateful enough? Was it the supplements? Was it because I stopped talking the supplements?

How is it that I feel like I new this would happen today? Or am I just a worry wart? I hate that feeling. Intuition or obsessive worry? I just don’t know. It makes me feel inadequeate.

I love you PS- and I will miss you if you leave us, but I know I will be okay with that part. It just feels like a cruel game messing with my need to have some sort of path to follow right now. Find a job? Stay in status quo? HELLO!!?? Where are you f&^%^&%ing leading me in all of this Universe? I’m tired of trusting.

I am impatient. I feel like the clock is ticking in life. Why do I feel like that.

Wait three weeks for an ultrasound. Then maybe we’ll know what’s happening. Maybe. And then wait some more to see if I miscarry. Then healing time. Then trying again. I can’t go through this.


March 14, 2008

To note to self:
You are loved, you know that? You are safe and protected and loved more than you know. And you are provided for- in all things. You don’t need to have it all figured out, you don’t need to make this safety bubble and hide yourself from the pain and disappointment of the world. You are an adult, capable, a learner, and your soul is light.


Bu The child like side of me says:

But this isn’t how I wanted things to be. I want things to be my way- just for once, just for a little bit. I don’t have enough energy to keep doing it. My soul tired. Hold me please. I am so tired of crying- my eyes are puffy, my face is read, I am so so tired of crying. And I am crying just because I want it my way. I know I am being a little girl in all of this, but come on. When does it end.
Cancer, terrible professors in grad school, loss of our daughter Yolle, and now this. What the feck. WHAT THE FECK! I am angry. I want it my way.

I called my DH Mr. Hallmark today- but I know he speaks some truth:
He reminded me:
"Accept what life gives you. The universe will keep trying to teach you the lessons you need, open your hands and your spirit to receive"

I do- I do want to release the grip I have on wanting life to be my way. But damn it!!! The grief is too much. Too too much.

I don’t want to hold and grasp and grip- but I am afraid of letting go.

Oh, tears, please stop flowing. . l

Journal entry after the miscarriage:
I’ve known you, I’ve had you in my life for 39 days, a little over 5 weeks- 10 weeks 4 days according to doctors math.

I don’t want to forget your story-
I promise I will seek in all that I do to bring your light to the world.
What will you show me from this dark, cold, uncomfortable, difficult place
I don’t want to feaer love, I want light, and hope in the future-