Thursday, June 30, 2011

Strange moments in pregnancy

I can see, (and touch!), the bottom of my belly button it has gotten so shallow.


Tuesday, June 28, 2011

22 weeks

How Far Along? 22

Maternity Clothes? Yep.

Weight Gain? 18.5;

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Good. No complaints.

Best Moment of the Week? Midwife appointment- Loved the midwife, love hearing hb; Also got a pair of matching pj bottoms in the mail (one for me and one for baby) that my lil sister sewed for us

Movement? yes, daily.

Food Cravings? Still more picky of an eater than non-pregnant taste buds, but nothing t0o major

Gender? Waiting to be surprised.

What I miss? My family; My sister just had a baby and she lives near my parents and all the cousins. Makes me sad that our baby won't have that growing up as we have no relatives where we live.

Symptoms: None really. No aches or pains (other than my sore uterus which worries me but doesn't bother me). A little bit of heartburn, but not a big deal.

What I'm looking forward to? I see the midwife again in 4 weeks and then the frequency increases to appointments every two weeks

Weekly Wisdom: My sister (who now has a newborn and a two year old) reminded me that these next several months (4 to be exact) are my last months entirely to myself. My world will permanently change. (She would know- speaking from the thick of it). She reminded me to fully enjoy this time. It was a good reminder to be present in the now rather than solely thinking about time when baby is here.

Milestones: Feeling movement

Emotions: A little stressed surrounding my job. But loving summer so far and a slower pace in our household schedule.

Midwife appointment at 22 weeks & Nerves

The nerves, they never fully go away. The further along I get in this pregnancy, the more my confidence grows. And yet the nervousness still lingers. It is more subtle, a quiet trickle in the background, but it is still there. DH noticed how quiet I was on the way to our midwife appointment today. He was surprised I still get nervous. I don't try to - it just creeps up out of no where.

But this midwife appointment was the best one yet. I loved this midwife (whom I had not met before- the practice has three midwives that I rotate among).

Here is the bullet point version
-They measured my belly for the first time- I have always seen that on tv shows and such (from pubic bone to top of uterus) but this was a first for me. And I am measuring right on track, which was great to hear because just today two co-workers told me that I don't look very big.
- The midwives see me every 4 weeks right now, but after my next appointment 4 weeks from now I'll start going every 2 weeks which I am really looking forward to.
- Heard the heartbeat- which is always bliss. I still get nervous for no reason but I have to say that I've been pretty sure I feel the kid moving some every day now and that helps bring the nerves down.
-Midwife went through my recent u/s report and quad screening results and said everything was beyond perfect. She was great too- making sure to go through it in detail with a bit of fanfare and make a fuss over how good it all was which was nice.
-She also said that the u/s shows my placenta is right in the front - which has no bearing on anything other then it explains why it took SO long for me to start feeling movement. And she said where I feel the pokes and jabs will be a bit more indirect. It was like she she had been in my body feeling what I am feeling cause she explained it to a T what and how I have been feeling the movement.
- I shared my concern with how tight and sore my uterus has been. She gave great insight into what was going on and put my mind at ease. I am probably really low on iron and on calcium magnesium so she advised adding in those supplements but encouraged me to keep being active (which was just what I wanted to hear).
-She also described to a T how I have been feeling with being out of breath so easily and reminded me why that is (more blood in circulation, low iron, etc). And she was very clear that it is NOT because I am out of shape- it is other biophysical reasons. Which was nice to hear because I'll admit that my out-of-breathness has been making me feel like I am a big lug.
- And I also brought up to her a concern I had with the midwife practice. The last two appointments (at 14 wks and 18 weeks) when I showed up for my appointment I ended up seeing a different midwife then I was supposed to. Which would have been fine IF it had been one of the others in the 3 person group. But instead both times I had a substitute they bring in on occasion. I was pretty livid, to be honest. I really want to know my midwives and equally as important I want them to know me. And as nice as the substitutes were, it didn't fly for me. I hate bringing up things like this with doctors/midwives, but it mattered enough to me. As it turns out, this midwife I was talking with was the lead midwife in the group and was the perfect person to talk to. I liked her explanation about the transition they are going through and how they are proposing solving it and she did apologize that that is not their goal to use substitutes. She even said that in the future I can tell the appointment desk that I only want to see the three in the practice. And she very much opened her door to feedback anytime about anything. She reiterated that this is MY/OUR experience and it is important we express what we need, what is working, what is not. I was very impressed and pleased with the conversation.

Friday, June 24, 2011

21 weeks (Belated update)

How Far Along? 21 weeks (actually 21 weeks 3 days, and I didn't post at 20 weeks so this will capture two weeks+ worth of updates)

Maternity Clothes? Yes. And my shopping spree several weeks ago is serving me well. Choosing clothes in the morning is no longer as fretful.

Weight Gain? 18.5; Still far more than I had planned, but I only gained 1 pound in the last 2 1/2 weeks and that included a two week vacation during that time, so I will take that as a success)

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Good. No complaints.

Best Moment of the Week? Exploring other countries with DH while on a part business/part vacation trip and dreaming about what it will be like in the future with kid in tow.

Movement? Just this past week I felt what I am 99% sure is some pokes and jabs. Every day now, at least once a day I am feeling the same sensation and am 99% sure it is not related to gas or digestion or any other bodily function.

Food Cravings? Seltzer water; Never really liked it pre-pregnancy now I crave it.

Gender? Waiting to be surprised.

What I miss? Can't really think of anything.

Symptoms: None. This last several weeks has been almost unbelievable how uneventful it has been. We were traveling for most of it- which meant jet lag, lots of being on my feet, lots and lots of walking, long days, eating outside normal routine- and I haven't had a single ache or pain, digestive system has been great, and was not feeling overly tired. It is almost hard to believe how good I have felt. I did have two times in which there was the faintest amount of spotting when I wiped. It did send me into a bit of a panic, but haven't had any thing sense. I'm chalking it up to overdoing it, and will talk to midwife about it.

What I'm looking forward to? Maternity leave. After having been away from the office for two weeks traveling, I thought it would give me enough of a break to feel better about my job. But instead it has me looking forward all the more to my 4 month (or permanent?!) maternity leave from this job.

Weekly Wisdom: Use discretion when listening to anyone who thinks they are being helpful by telling you a labor and delivery horror story. Most likely they are not being helpful.

Milestones: Feeling movement;

Emotions: Have had a few times when I was irrationally emotional. Which I can accept as par for the course, except that I didn't realize I was overreacting until AFTER I had acted like a doofus for a while.

I'm back and still pregnant

DH and I just returned from a two week, 3 country whirlwind trip. The majority of the trip was work related for me, but DH tagged along and we added some vacation time to the end of the trip. It was a wonderful trip. (Sorry for going quiet on my blog, I thought I would post some while I was traveling, but didn't get the time to do so)

This was the third and final business trip that has been on my radar ever since IVF came into the picture. As we started planning for IVF, and subsequently got pregnant from it, I have been counting and re-counting the weeks on the calendar to see where this trip would fall IF we were pregnant. I proceeded to plan all three work trips, despite all the unknowns of whether or not I would get pregnant, whether or not there would be complications, whether or not we'd need to be scheduling a second IVF cycle, etc. So as each trip came and went, there was a certain amount of relief that washed over me as I returned each time- in awe that I was still pregnant.

The first trip was a one night overnight trip and my first time flying while pregnant. I was 14 weeks pregnant.

The second trip was a full week away at a conference when I was 18 weeks.

And this last trip, while I was 19-21 weeks is the third and final work trip on the calendar.

And I am still pregnant. With no blirbs, glitches, or anything noteworthy of concern. It has been uneventful.

It is still hard to comprehend how smoothly it has gone. I don't take it for granted at all. I know far too well how quickly all that can change.

But for today, at 21 weeks and 3 days, I am still pregnant and in awe. Not to mention grateful that my work trips are now all behind me.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

19 weeks

How Far Along? 19 weeks

Maternity Clothes? yep. pretty much all of it.

Weight Gain? 17.5

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Good. Finally sleeping on my side rather than on my back all the time.

Best Moment of the Week? Just finally feeling good again.

Movement? Still hard to say whether I'm feeling anything or imagining it.

Food Cravings? Nothing really.

Gender? Waiting to be surprised.

What I miss? Wearing my wedding rings regularly.

Symptoms: Lots of blowing my nose. Still amazed at how zonked I am by the end of a long day. But, feeling good overall (FINALLY!)

What I'm looking forward to? Maternity leave. And our u/s is tomorrow. I think though that I am more nervous than excited. Just want everything to be okay.

Weekly Wisdom: This is going to go SO fast. Enjoy every moment.

Milestones: The belly is getting attention. A friend asked this week if she could touch it. (Still strange to think someone wants to touch my stomach, but I know I was always fascinated by friend's bellies, so...payback. :))

Emotions: Sappy. Grateful.

Monday, June 6, 2011

I am grateful

(Forewarning- lots of gushing about the "p" word and my stomach getting rounder)

I have been spilling over with gratitude lately.

I am grateful that I feel good. I feel really really good. Can't say there are any symptoms at all that are bothering me. And just saying that almost brings tears to my eyes because I think I started to fear that after so many months of feeling so awful that I wasn't going to feel good at any time in this pregnancy.

I am grateful that I have 4 months of maternity leave (some unpaid, but we'll be okay). I know (well, I don't know, but I know as best as I can) that an infant is a lot of work and it is hard. But it is a different kind of hard for a change and I will have only one responsibility- the kid. No other work demands on my time. And I am so grateful and so looking forward to that. For four full months.

I am grateful that I love my belly. I'll be honest, if you haven't noticed, that my changing body shape and the growing number on the scale have triggered some long-held insecurities about my body, they linger in the background and I feared they would take away some of the joy of the experience. But, I just love my belly. It is round and definitely pregnant. And I just stare at it (and rub it sometimes, yes, I know I am one of THOSE prego women) and I just get giddy with disbelief.

I feel like I say it too much, but I am grateful for my husband. I am grateful for his boundless love and enthusiasm about this pregnancy. He is literally telling the world. First thing he does when he rolls over to hug me in the morning is tell me he loves me and asks how the kid is doing. Every phone call and text message throughout the day, no matter the topic, same thing, tell me that I am the greatest and asks about the kid. I thought we had the best thing ever before in our marriage and yet it has gotten even better.

I am grateful that I no longer hate my job. During the first trimester I absolutely despised every single minute at work. I am sure it was hormones, and the emotional roller coaster of all of it, and the feeling so sick and tired. And more. But I am tolerating my job again. And the days are going fast. And when things get rough, it is easy to keep in mind how close maternity leave is and I will have a break from all of it very soon.

I don't know how we got here. I don't know why we were the lucky ones to get pregnant on our first IVF. I don't know why all the many years of grief and loss. I don't know how much longer I could have kept fighting the long road of IF. I just don't know.

But for now I am grateful, and I don't want any of the "whys" to take an ounce of energy away from this gratitude.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Pregnancy induced sappy moments

It has to be the hormones. I've found myself crying at the drop of a hat a couple of times the last few days. All tears of joy though. But I feel like such a sap.

But it also makes me just laugh at myself.

The first time happened in the shower. (Forewarning- this is definitely TMI). (did I forewarn you?!) So, to back up a second, I've read in several pregnancy books and websites that the ta-tas start preparing early in the pregnancy and that women can experience some discharge or leaking as early as 16-17 weeks. This was news to me and a bit shocking- it seemed SO early. Meanwhile, I have also been a bit intrigued with the girls as they have grown and changed. But getting big is the only significant change so far. Fastforward to this week while I have been traveling for work. At the end of a long day, I was taking a shower and low and behold I noticed when I squeezed that a few tiny drops started to appear. I just started sobbing tears of joy. I know, so sappy- but just in awe to see my body actually doing something to prepare for this kid was just unreal. And made it seem all the more real.

In another sappy moment, I was at an all day meeting that took place in this gorgeous water front building. During a break, I went out on to this all glass enclosed balcony and the view was just incredible, air was warm, sun was shining. And I just started tearing up, telling the kid that "this", this beauty and everything in the world like this is what I wanted to share with him/her. This is what I got excited about bringing the him/her into the world.
Definitely a hormone induced sappy moment, but is just starting to feel more and more real.

Which feels so unreal.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

18 Weeks (and 1 day)

How Far Along? 18 weeks 1day (this last week has gone by sooo fast)!

Maternity Clothes? I packed away the last of my non-maternity work pants this week. There was one pair of jeans I was still wearing- bye bye for now. Shirts- I'm still a bit in between, but maternity shirts are becoming more comfortable day by day.

Weight Gain? Not sure.

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Fine. I am finding still though that I like sleeping on my back too much. Trying to break the habit.

Best Moment of the Week? Hearing the heartbeat at my midwife appointment. Handmade baby hat from dear co-worker. Dinner out with some very dear IF blogger friends.

Movement? Though I felt a gentle pop or two that MAY have been something. But haven't felt it since then. Jury is still out though..could be imagining it.

Food Cravings? Nothing really. Just working on eating healthily now that I feel better.

Gender? Next week is the anatomy scan, and we are going to try hard to NOT find out the gender. And I am actually a bit surprised that I am not even the least bit tempted to find out. Kinda strange actually.

What I miss? Wearing my wedding ring. Fingers got bloaty really soon, and rings have been off more days than they've been on. Sad.

Symptoms: Headaches. Otherwise, feeling good this whole week which I think is a first that I've felt good for an entire week at a time. So glad.

What I'm looking forward to? Maternity leave. Ha! I know it is a long ways away. But I think it is going to fly by. The month of June I am traveling for work almost the whole month. July has a huge project and looming deadline. And then only two more months of full time work (Aug & Sept), then October I plan to cut back to part-time. And then I am due. CRAZY!

Weekly Wisdom: Mind is blank this week.

Milestones: First baby gift. And people at work (who know me and know my news) openly talking about my belly and pregnancy. It was fun this week to share in that.

Emotions: Relief to have heard the heartbeat. I feel like the anxiety has vanished again. Hoping it doesn't creep back in.