Monday, April 20, 2009


My period came today. And boy, it was not happy. I've never had cramps this bad. Since the ibuprofen has finally caught up to it and taken the edge off for the first time today, now I can try to type out my thoughts..

I usually find some satisfaction in my period arriving. I know that makes zero sense probably. Except for the months that I was really really blue about not being pregnant, my period coming always felt like a fresh start. A reset button if you will. No matter how down I would be at first about another "failed" month, it never took long to be flooded with hope again. A fresh start. I also always marveled at how the body worked- and the fact that my body knew how many days had passed, and knew when to start the cycle again. Like clockwork. And I had no control over it. The mystery amazed me.

I remember after my first d&C, I SO longed for my period to come quickly. I wanted the reset button to be hit. I wanted to know I could start trying again to get pregnant. I wanted to start a new. When my period came, it was such sweet relief. Only two weeks after my surgery, it returned, and my cycle started again, and the rhythmic clockwork began. As if nothing had changed.

This time has been different. This past Friday was 5 weeks since my 2nd d&c and no sign of my period. I was beginning to worry. But in a way, I think it also has been a relief. As the tell tale spots began to appear yesterday, foreshadowing its arrival, a bit of anxiety crept in. The first period after a miscarriage means a chance to start again, charting temps, counting days, timing sex, hoping.....

But my spirit isn't ready yet. And as my period began, I realized that I was perfectly content with how long it has taken this time for my cycle to resume. Because, I know I have not been nor will I be ready soon.

So I am not sure what to think now that AF is here. I pray that time will tell, and the cycle will play out, on its own, and that I will be okay with whatever it may bring.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Wanted: Fast Forward function on my Grief remote control

In one of the fitness/weight loss blogs I read Roni, wrote about the funk she was fighting. She was struggling through her day, and not making good choices. One of her commentors pointed out that Roni had just finished a 10K race, a goal she had been working towards for a long time. She had the high of completion and the culmination of the load road to achieving that goal, followed by a vaccuum. She did not yet have her next big goal. The commentor said "Realize that this is only temporary, DO continue to fight it, but don’t be so hard on yourself because you are doing what the human animal tends to do. It’s very depressing to finish a goal, because then….what to do??"

This hit home for me. Realizing that all my energy after this recent d&c has been put into creating new goals. I have been making a point to answer the "what to do next?" before the funk could set in. I skipped the "funk" by throwing myself into a laudry list of new goals. I went back to Weight Watchers (not successfully so far), I started an advanced spanish class, I finally hired a handyman to fix the damn squeaky bed, I took on a new project at work.

But, we all know you can't really avoid the funk. I think Friday was all about the funk finally catching up. Sometimes, the funk just needs to be there. There is no way to fast forward grief, as much as I really really would like to. My to do list can't be a substitute for not grieving the loss of our expectations in life.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Hoping this same hope finds me

I found it interesting when I looked back on my ugly rant from yesterday.... It was Good Friday. Oh, there are so many parallels to my life and this Lenten journey to Easter. If my finite human brain could only begin to fully grasp what is at work in all of this.

I don't have a lot of words tonight. I feel like I should as we round the corner to the new life that is coming tomorrow. I pray that the hope of Easter finds me as well and fills my fear-filled tombs.

Instead, I leave you with someone else's words. A bit of inspired hope on the verge of a Holy Day:

"Jesus of Nazareth, who was crucified ... has been raised" (Mark 16:6).

When Mary Magdalene, Mary and Salome came to the tomb, their hopes and fears intersected. They wondered aloud about the impossibly large and heavy stone that presented an obstacle to their immediate plans. Worse, what they thought lay behind the stone was unspeakably devastating. Jesus, who embodied the hope of God's promise in a fully human life, was not simply dead, but crucified -- executed in the most extreme humiliation, a savage mockery of the hope that had lived with him.

But the stone was gone, the grave empty. Where they had expected to hear the silence of death's mockery, they were met by an astonishing message that the crucified one was raised from the dead, that their hope was victorious over humiliation, and that Jesus lives and is leading the way into an unexpected, surprising future with God.

Jesus lives and resurrection hope beckons. Jesus' resurrection on the third day signals that God is not finished until the life of Jesus renews the whole creation. Sinners once haunted by the threats of judgment will live forgiven, restored, renewed and freed. All lives broken by sin's injustices and haunted by death's terrors will be transformed by joy and transfigured into the new creation in Christ.

You and I are witnesses of this new creation. You have been baptized into Jesus' death and resurrection and have heard his promise. Your lives are hidden in his and he feeds you with a foretaste of the eternal feast of joy. He will meet you in your hope. He claims your daily work and makes it into a holy calling. He lives in you and sends you into the world as an ambassador of reconciliation, a testimony of God's incomparable love. Jesus lives! Your life in him is resurrection witness.

"This is our God ... let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation!" (Isaiah 25:9).
The Rev. Mark S. Hanson
Presiding Bishop
Evangelical Lutheran Church in America

Friday, April 10, 2009


i'm pissed

i am pissed that the taxes aren't done.
i'm pissed that the husband has been gone all day when I didn't want to be alone
i am pissed that he has been getting done things on HIS list, rather than OUR list

i am pissed that I am not pregnant. plain pissed.
i am pissed that I have no idea how I will ever be a parent..or if I will ever be a parent.

i am pissed that the house isn't perfect.
i am pissed that the sky is grey today.

i am pissed that my ex-boyfriend/friend just had their second baby.
i am pissed that my husband called from the semen testing lab saying "this just isn't going to work"

i am just pissed.

I picked a fight with husband just a few minutes ago. I knew without a doubt that I woke up in a pissy mood, for no particular reason. I am not truly pissed at him, he has actually been so steady for me through all of this. I am just pissed that this is my life right now.

Easter is a few days away, but their are no signs of new life here. I am still very much in Lent.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

1 year

Yesterday was the one year mark.
My first d&c was one year ago.

One year later...
- I thought I would already have a child
- I never imagined I would have had yet another d&c
- I thought our adoption homestudy/application would be completed and filed

This was not the plan.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

When to fight and when to surrender

I want clarity. I feel like I am a little girl on a playground, looking to the sky, spinning in circles. I am getting dizzy. I am tired.

I want a lightening bolt to wap me upside the head and tell me what direction to go, to guide my path. to make it all clear.

I don't want to feel stuck in the mud anymore. I want a crisp, sunny day, with blue skies. Or at least I want to feel like a crisp, sunny day. It feels grey and overcast. My head feels full of mud.

I believe without a doubt that there has been divine moments in my life when the clarity has been there. When I decided to leave my profession of 10 years and go back to school to get my master's and change degrees, - I just knew. I can recall going to the 8am worship service and as I kneeled for communion that morning there was a gentle, but confident "go". It wasn't a voice. But is was. It was an knowing of my spirit. An urge. A confirmation. And when my faith in the journey wavered as the pieces came together and follow this "tug", I found comfort and steadfastnest in that split second of "knowing" I had as I briefly kneeled to receive communion. Sure I had been toying with the idea of going back to school already. Sure I had been looking. But that Sunday, I just knew. And I was at peace.

As I typed the word peace just now, the tears started to well up. I am not at peace. I desperately want to kneel at the altar again and just know. i want to know that this is all going to be okay. i want to know that spirit within that called me to grad school will challenge me to action and give me peace once again. We had started applying to adopt from Ethiopia- it sits unfinished, untouched. Hubby tried to have a semen test last Friday. It didn't happen (post for another day). I want children now, and yet I am not doing anything to make it happen. I have read blogs, websites, filtered wanted and unwanted advice. But right now, I am at a loss where to step. I am sick of options. I do not know which way to go. I feel all in my head. I can not see the path in front of me....

And I find myself asking- when do you know when it is time to push forward? To fight to make it happen? And when is it time to patiently wait and trust?

I don't have either in me. I don't have the energy to fight and I don't have the peace or patience to wait. I am tired of both. I don't like the word "fight". I dont like the imagery of "fighting" to make parenting a reality. Sometimes though I feel like it is a battle, uphill and hard all the way. Hoops, tests, standing your ground, pushing to see the doc you want to see, demanding that paperwork for the homestudy get completed on time, braving the bureaucracy, insisting on what is best for you..and your family. Struggle.

Are we called to push through the struggle at times?

Or am i supposed to be at peace and trust how things will unfold?

My spirit is tired...

Friday, April 3, 2009


Husband is getting ready to head out to his appointment. Semen test is today. He is a bit nervous, and I guess so am I. Not sure why- I guess I am nervous to find out answers, I am nervous that we won't find answers.

But overall I am grateful that we have the financial resources to at least pay for this small test. I am grateful that my husband has been so much a part of this decision making process. I am grateful that he agrees this test is an important first step.

Where next, i don't know. We might pay out of pocket for an initial consultation at the fertility clinic. We might work on finishing our adoption home study and application. We might buy some ovulation prediction kits. I might get back on my bike and just start being good to my body and spirit again.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Just the two of us ...for life?

A thought crossed my mind last week that I can honestly stay I have never thought before.

I have always considered growing our family through pregnancy, adoption, foster parenting. Lots of paths were and are being considered. But until last week, it had never crossed my mind the idea of never having kids....

Just me and husband.

Last week, it was added to the options-

Multiple choice question:
a) get pregnant
b) adopt/foster
c) just me and husband for life

My heart is sad just even typing that. You see, I came to the place by this past weekend, that option c was eliminated.

Before this past week, it had never crosses my mind. I got to wondering why now, what prompted the refection of this new option for the first time. Well, I don't know for sure, but I think it had to do with my two doctor appts- my Ob/gyn and my naturopath. They are health care providers I trust, have a good relationship with, and generally like. Furthermore I consider(ed?) them well rounded grounded people. And yikes! I can't believe the conversations I had with them about adoption. Trust me, I know adoption is not with out risk and challenges. (either is IVF, pregnancy, birth, life in general). My husband is adopted, as are my two sisters. And you know what? Bottom line- I wouldn't have it any other way. I VALUE THE GIFT THAT ADOPTION IS AND HAS BEEN IN MY LIFE AND IN MY FAMILY. I will not let two doctors with grossly misinformed ideas sway me to consider not taking ANY risks in growing our family.

I have never sought out the "easy" route in life. Life is risk, challenge, joy and heartache. But after a second d&c, two doctors lecturing on the "baggage" that comes with adopted kids, I longed for "easy." I wanted a safe, comfortable path to parenting. I wanted answers. I wanted to not have to trust in a power greater than I.

but it is not happening- no matter which path we choose (or are led on). It will not be neatly packaged in a box. And I am okay with that. And every morning when I wake up next to my husband, I am reminded of this truth. We were "just friends" for many years before our first date. And even our journey from dating, to engaged, to marriage was very slow. We were afraid to jump. We were afraid of what our 18 year age difference would mean. What others would think. What would happen in the future. But today as we approach our 4 year wedding anniversary, there is not a day that doesn't go by that I don't smile and gently chuckle at the fear that almost kept us from taking the leap. Cuz frankly, it has been the best leap of faith I have ever experienced. And nothing about it has been packaged neatly in a box.

my prayer is that I trust enough to leap again...

I WILL be a parent, and it will be beautiful.