Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Reflections at 35 weeks

Today marks 35 weeks. We will have a baby in our arms in no more than 7 weeks! And could be sooner. I am very aware of the "countdown" in everything I am doing these days. Don't get me wrong, I am so unbelievable excited, but anxiety and some moments of panic are creeping in. It is so surreal to wait for so long for this, to want this so badly for so many manys years. And then to be within weeks of becoming a family of three? It is so incredibly hard to wrap my head around.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

34 weeks

How Far Along? 34 weeks

Maternity Clothes? Yep

Weight Gain? up 2 from two weeks ago

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Same as it has been all pregnancy- wake up at 330am ish every night. Not much of a complaint though.

Best Moment of the Week? Getting a hand me down Ergo carrier and hiccups, LOVE when baby hiccups

Movement? Yes- baby feels so much bigger. Feels more like a chubby baby and less like and alien.

Food Cravings? Still picky. Been the norm.

Gender? Will know in 6 weeks give or take-

What i miss? Wearing my wedding rings. Easily putting on socks.

Symptoms: Pubic bone pain, sharp pain in rib under my right breast- both of which were wonderfully helped by my chiropractor, little bit more heartburn then before. Tired!

Looking forward to: Weekly birth class, Couples shower next week, cutting back on my hours at work

Weekly Wisdom: Breathe. Nothing is more important than you and baby's health and well-being right now.


Emotions: Mind is racing. Definitely high anxiety and stress related to work. Working to remedy this soon and cut back there.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Even I can't stand me right now

I feel like I am having a mini-meltdown. Nothing I can put my finger on concretely. Just this feeling of being a basketcase through and through.

I have had an extremely short fuse. I am gruff with DH every other word. I don't find myself enjoying much that I normally know I would. I am easily overwhelmed by stupid small stuff and I can't even stand to be around myself I am so incredibly cranky.

I am plain grumpy and feeling a fragile and frazzled. I SO hope this mood is short lived.

I know I am in desperate need of some self-care. But you know when you are so depleted that even taking the steps to add a little self-care in your life seems SO daunting?


I have a massage and a haircut in the next two days. I at least scheduled that. I have scheduled myself "out of the office" for several blocks of time this week to shorten some of my days. I figure that is a good start.... I hope some extra rest can get me out of this funk. I need to rest. I need to not feel so overwhelmed. I don't feel like "me" and I don't like that.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Strange pregnancy moments

I've done several posts during this pregnancy of some of the odd and the unexpected things. This one has been one I am noticing more and more.

Throughout our relationship DH and I have been big on walking hand in hand or arm in arm. We tend to be touchy people and like being close to each other that way. Since somewhere in the late 2nd trimester- this has changed. I can't handle being touched by him when we are walking. I've tried holding hands, arm in arm, his hand on the small of my back or around my waist- and it doesn't matter what we try- I just can't handle it.

I am not sure exactly what it is- but a big part of it is that walking while pregnant takes more concentration to balance and I find I am more aware of my pelvis area, keeping it aligned. And the distraction of extra sensory input of being in physical contact with DH is too much.

We laugh about it- it really seems so absurd. of the things I look forward to, walking hand in hand again is high on the list.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Workplace discrimination

Perhaps I am naive, but I truly thought that I wouldn't have to even think about the possibility of pregnancy discrimination where I work. Sure, it crossed my mind and perhaps I believed there might be subtle discreet ways in which it would happen- but today it smacked me in the face.

My boss was fired last week. Craziness ensued. New boss put into the position that very day. FINALLY got a face to face sit down with her today (yes, HER!, and yes she is a mother), and I swear- everything she said was was straight out of the "how to get your self sued when supervising a pregnant employee." I was, and still am, aghast. In a nutshell, she tried to get me to admit that bonding with my kid was going to take priority over my career (and what was unsaid, or subtly said) was that I won't be able to focus on my career.

I also am learning in bits and pieces her vision for reorganization. And let's just say that my position is completely absent in the bits and pieces I have heard AND she plans to appoint a male from a different department to do my job. A male who I have felt like over and over has taken credit for my work.

I am just speechless and my head is a mess.

Really, I don't fuckin' care. I've complained about my job ad naseum here on the blog and I wanted out. But it feels so yucky to leave this way. I feel like it takes away from the hours I have poured into that place. It feels like I have just been shit on. I wish I could have left on my terms. I wanted to leave on my terms....

Nothing has been finalized so I don't know for sure how its going to go- but the writing is on the wall. And however it plays out, even if they pull their heads out of their butts and recognize the risk they take given my pregnancy rights and play fair, I still feel like who I am in my role there has been compromised.

It is all an ego thing. And as I sit here typing, the kid is having a party in my belly. And it pierces me to the core that I would spend even a second worrying about something as trivial as a job I don't like, never wanted, and had planned to leave. Why do I waste a single breath on something so unimportant? I am going to be a mom. Something I wanted and still want 100 fold more than this or any job. DH and I are going to be a family in a whole new way.

This job has been sucking me dry. And I do want out. But I am not sure yet if we can afford for me to walk away. I'm too scared to take the leap. But I don't want to leave as a result of feeling pushed out of the sandbox. And that is how it feels.

Sorry for the venting- I just don't know how to get out of my head and find my center again. I WANT TO BE FULLY PRESENT AND ENJOY THIS LAST WEEKS OF BEING PREGNANT AND THIS BS IS JUST NOT WORTH IT. But if feels like if I concede then I am admitting defeat. They won. And all my efforts there were wasted.

Hoping tomorrow and some serious rest brings some clarity from the emotional fog...

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Long over due: 30, 31, 32

This week is a 30, 31, 32 week update combined into one. Where or where has the time gone. Life has been - well, crazy- but I'll save the details of the craziness for another post.

How Far Along? 32 weeks 1 day

Maternity Clothes? Bought a few more shirts, so I would have something fun to wear to our showers and because I was getting a little tired of my options in my closet.

Weight Gain? 32; Not at all what I had planned on gaining, but the most frequent comment I get lately is how surprised people are that I am as far along as I am. I guess people think I look on the small size belly wise. So go figure...I just have a plan for being very diligent in losing it afterwards.

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Okay- not great, but not a huge inconvenience. My back aches so I toss and turn and my mind has been in overdrive at night which fuels insomnia.

Best Moment of the Week? First baby shower; feeling baby hiccups, I love my midwife appointments. First birth class (loved it).

Movement? Yes- Frequently the kicks and jabs are strong enough that it hurts, which I oddly really enjoy. I felt its butt repeatedly pushing up on my ribs one day over and over and over during staff meeting which was kinda fun. There are days when baby is really really mellow and that has caused a few anxious times, but glad those are not the norm.

Food Cravings? Nothing I can think of.

Gender? Will know in 8 weeks give or take- people are loving making predictions.

What I miss? More than anything this pregnancy I mostly miss wearing my wedding rings.

Symptoms: The last two weeks i have turned a corner and definitely feeling good (really good) again. I have NO idea why I felt so miserable from week approx. 25 to 30 but now that I feel good again it is apparent that I felt really really crappy. Not taking any of these good days for granted.

Looking forward to: Nursery being done. Feeling a bit like it will never happen....

Weekly Wisdom: The to-do list will never ever be fully done. Deal with it.

Milestones: Glucose test (passed); Random strangers in grocery store (etc.) asking when I am due. Started birth classes.

Emotions: A few hormonally induced emotional fits. First one I could tell DH didn't quite know what to do with me. We had a good chat afterwards, I promised him it is pregnancy related hormones and he was much more understanding with the second crying fit. Oh vey.

How in the world is it that I am only 5-10 weeks away from having this baby. A real life baby.

I will never fully wrap my mind around it.