From the Begining

***(This post was written in March 2009, but I posted it in January 2008 to bring it to the front of my blog archives.)

For the purposes of this blog, the story probably begins with my first miscarriage in March 2008. But being that is always a story behind a story, I will start a few stories back.

My husband and I were married in 2005. I thought on our wedding day, that it wasn't possible to even know a greater love than I had for him that day. Now, several years later, I realize that as much as I loved him on that day, the love I have given and received from him has deepened in ways since then that I would have never believed possible. We have weathered many of life's detours and bumps, from surviving cancer, to facing legal issues, to caring for abused family members. But if I had a magic eraser that could rewrite parts of our story thus far, there is nothing I would choose to erase. It is our story and it has shaped so much of who we are as individuals and as a couple.

But when it comes to the story of us trying to grow our family, I have to be honest and say that I am not able to (yet?) find the peace that I carry with me from our previous bumps in the road. Maybe its because I am right in the midst of it and need some hindsight? or maybe it is because it is truly bringing me to my knees teaching me that I AM NOT in control in life? Either way, this next chapter of our life story has brought me through the wringer.

The first loss: Adoption
Maybe at some point I will write in more detail about our first loss, but as it still is a very personal story, and not entirely my story to write, I will share just briefly the first loss we experienced in beginning to grow our family. Having just celebrated our 2 year wedding anniversary, and with several "hurdles" in life out of the way, we rigorously persued adopting a teenage girl that had become our "daughter". We got very close to making it happen, but at the 11th hour, it unraveled- and in some ways so did I. Yolle is still our daughter, and will always be, even if the law does not recognize her that way.

Then miscarriage:
Call it obsessive worry or true empathy, but I have always been drawn to knowing the stories of women who struggle with infertility. Three of my relatives that I am closest to, including my mom and maternal grandmother, had difficulty getting pregnant. In some ways, I assumed that would be my fate as well. I THOUGHT that it would be difficult to get pregnant... But multiple miscarriage is not something I was prepared for.

To our surprise, in just the second month of trying to get pregnant, we were pregnant. And we were elated. We called her/him "PS." And I was in awe at how in love I could be with a bundle of cells. Me, Fearful? yes. and for some reason worried about miscarriage, but I just tried to tell myself that I was over reacting and had been reading too many sad stories on the internet. However, at 10 weeks 4 days, I had a D&C. Blighted ovum they called it. Broken heart is what I called it.

Those were very dark days and months following that loss. As much as I intellectually knew how common miscarriages are, I didn't truly think it would happen to me. (who does?)

We started TTC again, but this time, it took forever (or so it seemed). Months passes, and more months passed. I finally started to push my doctors to help us find answers. What if its my husband's age? Mine- i thought I was young at age 32? Was it history of cancer? Hormone imbalances? We had yet to find answers when in February of 2009, I was pregnant again. I had moments of joy and peace, but for the most part I lived this pregnancy in fear once again. And when my symptoms started to rapidly fade at 7 weeks, the anxiety kicked into full gear. I lost all hope that this would turn out well. The 8 week ultrasound found no fetus, only a sac. Empty. and so was I.

It took many more months after that second loss before we started trying again. In September of '09 we decided we'd try a few IUIs with Clomid and HCG trigger. Three tries later we were still not pregnant and learned in the process that DH's swimmers were not as plentiful and as efficient as they should be. In January 2010, we took a break from the RE and half-heartedly TTC on our own. The hope was we'd save money for IVF and consider that as our last option as ways down the road. In November of that year, I started having excruciating pain during my cycles. And learned I had severe endometriosis. IVF was about our only option. Two weeks later with AF arrived along with the New Year, we were starting down that path of IVF.

And now where does this story go? I do not know. .......