Doing it all over again

When we were going through the dark and ugly journey of multiple miscarriages-  there were several times my husband and I said, "we just can't do this again."

And through the month and years of IF, I would look back on the road behind us after month after month of TTC failed-  and I would say to my husband "I don't know if I can keep doing this."

As much as I longed to be pregnant, and as beautiful as it was to finally experience it, I felt rotten, miserable, horrid for almost the full 40 weeks.  And I said over and over again to anyone and everyone "I just can't do this again."

And now, now that I have smelled, and held, and kissed the chubby cheeks of Baby girl, all I can say, all I can think about is that "I want to do this all over once again."

She is 5 months old and there hasn't been a week (or day...) that has passed without me thinking to myself that I want to do this again-  and soon.  I want another child.  I want to be pregnant again.  I want to give birth again.

I never thought I'd be one of those moms that wanted children close together-  but it is almost all I think about.

But I have gotten a little bit cocky, I think.  I think about it, and plan for it-  as if it is an absolute.  And nothing is for certain in this long long road of IF.

we have two frozen babes on ice.  And I am certain those emb-babies are what are contributing to my cockiness.  I KNOW we have two more tries.  And given we got pregnant and had a RLB with just one fresh IVF cycle, my logic assumes one of those frozen babes will be the magic ticket to number two.

But the doubt is there.  the grief still bubbles slowly and quietly up.  I know there are no guarantees.  I know I have no control.

I dont' know how I'll handle if one of those two don't stick.  I haven't begun to let it sink in that this may be the one and only in my arms.  But I'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I'm hoping come Fall, or for sure early winter, to try for #2.  DH still needs some time to warm up to the idea of doing it that soon-  so I am being patient to let him sit with the idea.

But one way or another-  I want to do it all over again. I do.  It is worth it to me the risk of more heartache. So worth it.

It is April.

It is April today.  The month of March is gone.  It came and went without fanfare.  For the first time in 5 years, March came...and went...and I didn't even notice.  It wasn't until today, as I flipped open my April calendar that I realized the significance. 

There were no tears shed this March.  None.
There was no grief that left me gasping for air.  None.
There was no emptiness. None.

There has not been a March in the past 5 years that wasn't gut wrenching.

March 2008 we grieved the shock and devastation of our first miscarriage, March 2009 brought out second miscarriage, March 2010- the agony of more trying and waiting and nothing.  March 2011-  we finally saw our first heartbeat, and we cried, and held our breath to see what would come.

March 2012-  came and went without a second glance, and it can only be that that emptiness is healing, and with healing comes contentness.

I know I haven't written in ages.  I know I owe you a birth story and pictures.  I still think of this space all the time.  I don't know what to write most of the time.

I don't want to sound like having a baby is a cure all.  I don't want to imply that our daughter in our arms washed away all the agonizing years of infertility and loss.  I don't ever want to in any way discount that the past 5 years were absolutely gut wrenching-  and I would be doing a disservice to myself and anyone who has walked that road if I were to in anyway imply that a child, and only a child heals those wounds.

But...

I never thought I would ever be able to pass through the month of March without a second glance.  I always thought it would tear me apart in some way. 

But it didn't.  And the joy I feel being a mom surpasses anything i could have ever imagined.  It is that good.

 

Diagnosis Day

One year ago today, we got our diagnosis. 

Endometriosis.

That unexpected diagnosis changed the rules of the game and we unexpectedly headed straight to IVF/ICSI.

One year later, as I type this, baby girl is sleeping on my chest.   And as I feel the weight of her little body on me, and feel the softness of her wispy hair on her tiny little head, I am in awe that we are here.  Four long years, but we are here.  It was a scary decision to jump into IVF-  scary physically, emotionally, and financially.  But I am so glad we did.  There are no words.

Mastitis= cursing and absolute discouragement

Double Mastitis. 

Which is just the icing on the cake of a long two weeks worth of a bazillion hurdles and barriers to breastfeeding.  Where my motivation to stick with it is coming from, is beyond me.  I have no idea why I haven't thrown in the towel.  I am SO done with this mess in so many ways, but also am devastated by the idea of giving up.

Baby is fighting the breast right now.  Pumping volume is dismal. We are barely hanging on.

And the thing that angers me is that the exhaustion and frustration I feel is robbing me of precious minutes with my baby girl.  I want to enjoy and revel in every minute I can with her.  And instead I am sore, tired, frustrated, and she is confused and fussy.

I don't know what will happen next.  I am NOT ready to consider giving this up. 

On the positive side-  we weighed her today at the midwife clinic just to see how she was doing (she was really slow to gain weight in the first few days) and to my surprise she is now pretty much on track to regaining her birth weight in the two week period they want to see.  So, struggle as we might (and we ARE!)  at least she is getting what she needs, some how, some way.

I'd much rather be writing her birth story or cuddling her in our new moby wrap rather than venting about breast feeding.

"Breast is best".  F&#k that.  Why is it so frickin' hard then?

1 week later- Update Post Pregnancy

I thought I would do one more Weekly Update as to life after to pregnancy, similar to the weekly updates I posted throughout - (and birth story is in the process of being written, as well as I'll post her name and more pics soon).


Maternity Clothes? Since the birth, I've lived in yoga pants and nursing tank tops.  Grateful to have everything (from my maternity wardrobe at least) fitting with a bit more room.  Since my milk has come in, we are going to have to reassess bras and shirts as the volume of the girls has grown!

Weight Gain? All in all I gained 41 pounds.  Far more than I had planned, but in the end I just don't feel like there was a whole lot differently I could have done about it.  1 week post birth I have lost 18 pounds. 

Stretch Marks? None at all which still amazes me.  I have a slight linea nigra, but very light.

Sleep? Last night was the first night that I can say that I felt sleep deprived.  During this past week I think thanks to adrenaline I am sure, I have just soaked up every minute of this time and haven't minded in the least bit that I am barely sleeping.  I am just now starting to be better about trying to sleep when she does. 

Best Moment of the Week?  Her birth, her smell, her soft head, her squeaks, the visitors, her newborn photo session, the weight of her as she sleeps on my chest, watching DH melt in her presence, the overwhelming outpouring of joy from our friends and family, the influx of "pink" pouring into our house.  Everything.

Movement? I had a few phantom "kicks" in the first 24 hours, where it felt like it used to feel when she was in me. 

Food Cravings? Oh,joy of joys! food is no longer my foe.  It tastes good again, really good.  Doesn't give me heartburn. So grateful.

Gender? All girl!  I was shocked- I think I had prepared mentally for a boy.

What i miss? Oh, this is hard to answer.  My first gut response?  Nothing, I miss nothing about being pregnant.  I will never ever take for granted my pregnancy and don't want to sound ungrateful.  I would do it 100 times over to get to this place.  It just really wasn't easy at all for me.  I felt sick or in pain for almost the whole 40 weeks. The relief I felt (and still feel), both physcially, and emotionally, about no longer being pregnant was so instantaneouns when she was born.

I hoped my wedding rings would fit by now-  they still don't. :(  I miss wearing them. 

Symptoms:  Pregnancy symptoms G-O-N-E. Completely.    

Looking forward to:  Everything.  Every second of the day.  Right now we are hunkering down and staying at home at least until Monday (1st midwife appointment post-partum).  But i am starting to get excited about going out in public for the first time with her.

Weekly Wisdom:   "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us..." Ephesians 3.20

Milestones:  I am a mom.  Enough said.

Emotions: Pure Joy. Pure Contentness.  And surprisingly feeling more confident about my mom role than I thought I would feel.

Pictures from the first week

5 Hours old

4 days old

6 days old, favorite place to sleep on mom or dad's chest

She is here!

It's a girl, and I am at a loss for words.  Born last night 11/4/11 at 11:31pm. 3 days past her due date.

Full details to come.

After 4 years, 40 weeks, and 3 days of waiting....it is impossible to begin to describe what I am feeling.

I am a mom.