Wednesday, August 14, 2013


Sometimes I find myself wondering what being a mother would be like if I had not gone through the dark road of infertility, miscarriages, waiting, doubt, and despair.  Sometimes I try to compare my reality as a mother to other mom's who got pregnant easily, on schedule, or even ahead of schedule.

I know there is no comparison.  It is isn't possible to compare. Because I only know my own experience. But I still wonder.

My nephew was visiting last week and we enjoyed ourselves as a family being tourists for the week, seeing the sights in the city that we don't usually take time to enjoy.  There is a huge fountain downtown that I have walked past before, or stopped to watch it spray water into the air, but hadn't given it much more thought than that it was nice to walk by.

At the end of a long hot summer day in the city, we passed it on our way to the car.  When M's eyes lit up when she saw it, we put her in a swim diaper that we happened to have in her bag and let her loose for some spontaneous fountain play.  As I sat on the edge of the fountain watching DH and M splash and squeal, tears welled up in my eyes, catching me by surprise.  
The gratitude I feel that I am a mom, that I am M's mom, still overwhelms me at times.  I can't help by think What if she never came in to my life?    I can't speak for other moms and how they feel about the way their children came into our life, but I know for me, for my journey, this is the gift that infertility gave me.  I know that I do not take it for granted that M is in my arms.  And an unexpected run through the fountain stirs up that gratitude from the deepest of places -  because I know what it was like to walk by that fountain before I had M.  And I am beyond grateful for the chance to spontaneous let her get soaking wet in the fountain on the way to the car.  

Because I came so close to not ever having that chance.

M sleeps a lot.  It has worried me for a while.  But there were no other red flags to really give me reason to worry.  I brought it up to her dr. in late winter.  She wasn't concerned, as she was on target and developing well during her awake times.  Last week I took M to her naturpath to talk nutrition because her quantity of sleep is still off the charts for "normal".  I was just tired of worrying.  She took some blood work, just to check a few things.  We found things she wasn't looking for.

We have been referred to a couple of specialist.  More bloodwork was taken today by M's other pediatrician (MD).  The docs are alarmed, but clearly trying not to alarm us.  It could be a perfect storm of several minor things that look worse on paper than they really are.  But it could be scary stuff too.  The doctors aren't being casual about following up on it.

I am scared.  I am trying not to be.  

I know it may be something that will be a game of watch and see before we know if it is anything to be afraid of.

But I am scared-   I am the most afraid I have been since I found out I was pregnant with her. The doctor asked during today's appointment if I have any questions and I said no.  No because I don't want to know anything more right now.  I know the scary stuff they are concerned about.  And until we have more information from this round of bloodwork, I don't want to hear them say out loud what they are afraid it might be.

 Updated:  We got the bloodwork results back today, earlier than expected.  Almost all of the abnormalities are back in range.  No real reason why.  Possibly a virus that she was fighting.  One lab value is still concerning so we are being referred to a hematologist, but for now the scary stuff is behind us.

This is one week i'd rather not repeat.