Thursday, December 8, 2011

Diagnosis Day

One year ago today, we got our diagnosis. 


That unexpected diagnosis changed the rules of the game and we unexpectedly headed straight to IVF/ICSI.

One year later, as I type this, baby girl is sleeping on my chest.   And as I feel the weight of her little body on me, and feel the softness of her wispy hair on her tiny little head, I am in awe that we are here.  Four long years, but we are here.  It was a scary decision to jump into IVF-  scary physically, emotionally, and financially.  But I am so glad we did.  There are no words.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Mastitis= cursing and absolute discouragement

Double Mastitis. 

Which is just the icing on the cake of a long two weeks worth of a bazillion hurdles and barriers to breastfeeding.  Where my motivation to stick with it is coming from, is beyond me.  I have no idea why I haven't thrown in the towel.  I am SO done with this mess in so many ways, but also am devastated by the idea of giving up.

Baby is fighting the breast right now.  Pumping volume is dismal. We are barely hanging on.

And the thing that angers me is that the exhaustion and frustration I feel is robbing me of precious minutes with my baby girl.  I want to enjoy and revel in every minute I can with her.  And instead I am sore, tired, frustrated, and she is confused and fussy.

I don't know what will happen next.  I am NOT ready to consider giving this up. 

On the positive side-  we weighed her today at the midwife clinic just to see how she was doing (she was really slow to gain weight in the first few days) and to my surprise she is now pretty much on track to regaining her birth weight in the two week period they want to see.  So, struggle as we might (and we ARE!)  at least she is getting what she needs, some how, some way.

I'd much rather be writing her birth story or cuddling her in our new moby wrap rather than venting about breast feeding.

"Breast is best".  F&#k that.  Why is it so frickin' hard then?

Saturday, November 12, 2011

1 week later- Update Post Pregnancy

I thought I would do one more Weekly Update as to life after to pregnancy, similar to the weekly updates I posted throughout - (and birth story is in the process of being written, as well as I'll post her name and more pics soon).

Maternity Clothes? Since the birth, I've lived in yoga pants and nursing tank tops.  Grateful to have everything (from my maternity wardrobe at least) fitting with a bit more room.  Since my milk has come in, we are going to have to reassess bras and shirts as the volume of the girls has grown!

Weight Gain? All in all I gained 41 pounds.  Far more than I had planned, but in the end I just don't feel like there was a whole lot differently I could have done about it.  1 week post birth I have lost 18 pounds. 

Stretch Marks? None at all which still amazes me.  I have a slight linea nigra, but very light.

Sleep? Last night was the first night that I can say that I felt sleep deprived.  During this past week I think thanks to adrenaline I am sure, I have just soaked up every minute of this time and haven't minded in the least bit that I am barely sleeping.  I am just now starting to be better about trying to sleep when she does. 

Best Moment of the Week?  Her birth, her smell, her soft head, her squeaks, the visitors, her newborn photo session, the weight of her as she sleeps on my chest, watching DH melt in her presence, the overwhelming outpouring of joy from our friends and family, the influx of "pink" pouring into our house.  Everything.

Movement? I had a few phantom "kicks" in the first 24 hours, where it felt like it used to feel when she was in me. 

Food Cravings? Oh,joy of joys! food is no longer my foe.  It tastes good again, really good.  Doesn't give me heartburn. So grateful.

Gender? All girl!  I was shocked- I think I had prepared mentally for a boy.

What i miss? Oh, this is hard to answer.  My first gut response?  Nothing, I miss nothing about being pregnant.  I will never ever take for granted my pregnancy and don't want to sound ungrateful.  I would do it 100 times over to get to this place.  It just really wasn't easy at all for me.  I felt sick or in pain for almost the whole 40 weeks. The relief I felt (and still feel), both physcially, and emotionally, about no longer being pregnant was so instantaneouns when she was born.

I hoped my wedding rings would fit by now-  they still don't. :(  I miss wearing them. 

Symptoms:  Pregnancy symptoms G-O-N-E. Completely.    

Looking forward to:  Everything.  Every second of the day.  Right now we are hunkering down and staying at home at least until Monday (1st midwife appointment post-partum).  But i am starting to get excited about going out in public for the first time with her.

Weekly Wisdom:   "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us..." Ephesians 3.20

Milestones:  I am a mom.  Enough said.

Emotions: Pure Joy. Pure Contentness.  And surprisingly feeling more confident about my mom role than I thought I would feel.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

She is here!

It's a girl, and I am at a loss for words.  Born last night 11/4/11 at 11:31pm. 3 days past her due date.

Full details to come.

After 4 years, 40 weeks, and 3 days of is impossible to begin to describe what I am feeling.

I am a mom.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Past due

I haven't given much thought to the world of being "past" my due date. I think due dates are hokey-  and I don't like how much we focus on them. But To be honest, i really thought I'd have this baby before my "due date".  I had a pretty strong intuition about it-  well, it was wrong.  But all in all-  I have really been glad I have had these last 5 days since finishing work to just relax.  I feel far more settled. And I don't feel too anxious about going past my due date.

But I will admit-  that this morning, as my eyes opened and my head lifted off the pillow on today, the day AFTER my due date, the first thought to cross my mind was:

"What if this baby never comes?"

LOL!  Granted-  not a rational thought.  I know it will come on its own time.  But I found it funny that that is the thought my subconscious produced as I was waking up this morning.  

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

40 Weeks- And still pregnant

How Far Along? 40 Weeks;  My due date -  11/1/11.  The date that has been hovering out there since the day we found out our IVF cycle worked.  Actually-   that date has been ingrained even before then-  as I started calculating and reclacluating the estimated due dates from the time we knew when our Egg Retrieval would be.

Today is my due date.  Amazing.  Crazy.

Maternity Clothes? Yoga pants are my favorite.  I want nothing to do with socks these days.

Weight Gain? Not sure; don't want to know right now.

Stretch Marks? None;  Not sure how that happened-  I haven't been using any lotions/cremes because I didn't believe they actually worked. 

Sleep? Same as it has been all pregnancy- wake up once every night. Not a big deal.

Best Moment of the Week?  Our church included us in the prayers on Sunday at worship, and my tears flowed out of gratitude for where we are at and for our church family that has been with us this whole journey.. 

Movement? Yes, but can tell it is crowded in there.

Food Cravings? Everything dairy; don't ask me why.  And apples too. Overall, food isn't my friend again these days.

Gender? Will know so so soon.

What i miss?  Right now I am doing a pretty good job reminding myself of how soon baby will be here and so all the aches and woes seem temporary. 

Symptoms: Really tender in my pelvis, walking is really tough right now.  Heartburn.  Exhaustion.  No sign of my mucous plug;  I have had a few fleeting moments when I thought maybe I was having some practice contractions, but really hard to say for sure.   

Looking forward to:  Everything

Weekly Wisdom:   "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us..." Ephesians 3.20

Milestones: Due date!  And I finally found a bringing-baby-home outfit that I love.

Emotions:Mostly numb.  Trying to just stay in the present moment.

Monday, October 31, 2011

MIdwife Appointment @ 39 weeks 6 days

I didn't have many questions today at my midwife appointment and lately these weekly appointments have been pretty boring as we are all pretty much waiting.  My blood pressure has been perfect all pregnancy, not much swelling, heartbeat has been strong, baby is head down and has stayed that way, our midwives don't really do cervical dilation exams-  so it has just been a waiting game.  I report on my symptoms, all which are normal.

But I love that it is time for me to just talk about the baby and the birth and get to know them and they get to know me.  I love all my midwives and really can't say that I have a preference which one I end up getting at the birth.

Today was helpful for a couple of reasons.

She explained that my extreme exhaustion is probably due to shifting hormones that are gearing up.  I had started feeling like maybe it was because I wasn't eating well enough, or because I had gotten lax on taking my iron supplement.  but she said it is normal which was reassuring to hear.

She also said that my increased milky vaginal discharge was normal and probably my mucous plug starting to deteriorate.  She said that not everyone will know when it is gone as it can just disingrate over time which I also appreciated learning. 

The underside of my belly has been excruciatingly sore lately- ligaments or muscles down there.  I'm fine with I am laying still or sitting still but walking, rolling over, standing/sitting are SO tender.  OOOooo!  She assured me it is normal which even though the knowledge of that doesn't provide me with relief from the pain, ut always feels like a weight off my shoulders to know that it is well within the norm.   I feel like I can cope with it better knowing that it is just part of the process in some pregnancies.

And she reminded me what dear blog friends reminded me on my last post-  and that is that this is sacred time to just take care of me and to take each day for what it is.  It is so true, and I was so so moved by the comments left on my last post.  Everything was exactly what I needed to be reminded of. Again, one of the many reasons this blog community means so much to me.

So, I'm off to take a nap, and then not sure-  but just enjoying not having an agenda to my day today. 

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Joy overflowing?

You know that feeling when you were a kid, and Christmas was the next day, and you just couldn't contain you excitement? 

Or the feeling when it was the last day of school, and all you had left to do as a class was clean out your desks?  And the walk home felt so exhilarating because you knew the entire summer awaited?

That is how I think I SHOULD feel.  But instead-  I just feel a bit ...I don't know how I feel.  I'm not outright scared.  I'm not dreading what is to come.  I'm don't feel bad.... I just don't feel much.  And it is bothering me.

I feel like I SHOULD feel more.

Everyone around us is SO absolutely beside themselves, they are outright giddy with excitement.

I know when I look back on this post, that I will wish I had given myself more grace right now.  Because if I stop and think about it-  it isn't any surprise that I feel a bit in a blur right now.

We have waited for this for so long.  It has been four years since we decided we were ready for this.  four long dark y-e-a-r-s.

Both of our Due Dates from our two miscarriages were in October.  And I have yet to write my annual post about those loses.  October was twice the graveyard for hopes dashed.  And now we are here - again-  yet in a very different place in life. 

We are days away from holding our child in our arms.  A child I have carried in me for 39 weeks and 5 days so far.  A child I have prayed for, bargained with, pleaded for.  A child that takes my breath away if I really let myself acknowledge the depth of the love I have for this little one. 

And yet-  I think I remain guarded.  Unable to feel that overflowing joy of a kid before Christmas or before summer break.  Unable to let the flood gates open. 

I am holding back. 

I don't want to hold back.  I want for this little one to know my overflowing love for it, even while we await its arrival.  I don't want to feel like I SHOULD be feeling something more than I am. 

I don't want this little one to ever feel anything less from me than unbridled joy for every fiber of its being. 

I don't want the grief of yesterday to take away from any of this right now. 

I don't want to be holding back.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Commence maternity leave

As of 2:30pm today, I was out the door of my office and my maternity leave official has begun.  My head is spinning.

I have done some intense barganing with baby to at least stay put for 24 hours.  I so look forward to having a full day to do nothing.  Rather, a full day to do what I want to do and not be worried about work.

I'll also admit that I feel a flood of emotions about being done with my job ("done" meaning temporarily done-  I still may go back, I still may quit-  jury is still out though).  Well to be honest, I have had a flood of emotions about my job in general this pregnancy.  That was something I definitely didn't expect-  I loathed my job so intensely in the first part of my pregnancy.  Then there was a time period where it was fine, I could tolerate it-  didn't love it but didn't hate it.  And then this last trimester has been a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts-  I am sure mostly tied to me re-navigating my identity and what my career does or doesn't have to do with my identity. (Not to mention a big shake up in our office that has been insane). But bottom line-  my emotions have been all over the map when it comes to my career, this job, my dreams and thoughts for the future.  All over the map.  And I wasn't expecting that.  I truly thought if I were to get pregnant I would easily walk away from this job.  As it never was meant to be a long term gig..

I need a bit of time emotionally to decompress and step into this world of maternity leave.  Hoping the baby gives me a little time.  I will be taking 4 months off for maternity leave and I really feel like I am poised to be able to have clear boundaries with my office so that I don't get sucked in to doing work or answering umpteen questions while I am on leave. 

I am so so so treasuring this next window of time.  And I know that it is time I will never get back.

It is getting more and more real

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

39 Weeks (How is that even possible?!!)

How Far Along? 39 Weeks (how in the world did we get here.  I truly can't fathom it)

Maternity Clothes? Yep; some shirts are getting a bit short. Some pants are getting a wee bit snug :(  - I would love to just live in my yoga pants until baby arrives. :)

Weight Gain? Not sure; don't want to know right now.

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Same as it has been all pregnancy- wake up once every night. Not a big deal.

Best Moment of the Week? Clean carpets and a decluttered house.  Also loved my midwife appointment yesterday-  just love love love all three of my midwives.  .

Movement? Yes, but the quiet phases are getting longer (hours at a time).  I don't like when baby is quiet.

Food Cravings? Everything dairy; don't ask me why.

Gender? Will know so so soon.

What i miss? I definitely am starting to crave having my body back-  being able to exercise, bend at the waist, roll over in bed pain free.  No complaints-this is all small in the big scheme of things. I am grateful to be able to experience pregnancy, but also glad it is time limited and not a constant state of being.

Symptoms: Pelvic tenderness and (Warning - major TMI) major pressure on my rectal area.  It is the strangest feeling but the head feels like it is pressing right there.  Oh, the things I had never contemplated before.

Looking forward to: Last day of work on Thursday

Weekly Wisdom: Breathe,

Milestones: Major items on "preparing for baby" to-do list are done.

Emotions: Can't even begin to sum up the range of emotions.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Ready enough, I think

I think I feel ready.  Not emotionally (heck no), but ready from the perspective of my "to-do" list.  And there was a time not too many days ago that it felt like I'd never feel ready.  All the important things that I felt like HAD to happen before baby arrived are done:

  • -Car seat bought and inspected (so grateful for free Car seat inspection drop-in day at our local hospital otherwise I would have never figured out how to get our base installed snugly)
  • -Bassinet set up and sheets washed (we don't have a crib yet, but will figure that out when we need one)
  • -Dresser purchased and moved into nursery
  • -Baby clothes washed and sorted by size with enough clothes to get by in the newborn and 0-3month ranges
  • -1 week of diapers on hand (we are starting with disposables and then switching to cloth at some point in the near future)
  • -Supplies for me (nursing, who-ha care, etc)
  • -I "think" we have all the basic supplies and gear (boppy, swing, bouncy seat, a couple of carriers, all hand-me-downs which is wonderful)
  • -Overnight bags are (mostly) packed (I keep unpacking things and then forgetting if I repacked them so I really should double check)
  • -Most critical stuff at work has been passed on to someone else (for the most part), even though I am technically working until this Friday
  • -Carpets are clean, house is put back together
  • -Car has an appointment on Wednesday to get a good detailing inside and out (no, it isn't critical that this be done before baby comes, but I will feel better getting it out of the way and I got a good deal on Grou.pon) 
  • -Email list is compiled for "birth announcement"  (I am tickled that I also got our snail mail list of addresses for mailing birth announcements/xmas cards all ready to go-  I figured that might be hard to get done once baby is here so I got it all organized ahead of time)
With this done I no longer feel the panic of not being "ready".  Although there is plenty I would love to still get done before baby arrives, but none of it is on the critical list.  Now, during the waiting time I can just poke away at the list and not feel the pressure of it HAVING to get completed.  

Now if my emotions would just catch up and feel "ready" for what is to come we'd be good to go.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Nesting (?) and other random thoughts

I've been wondering lately whether nesting is myth or fact or something in between. I've heard many moms talk about in hindsight the insane cleaning they felt compelled to do right before labor started. I have had a nesting urge during this pregnancy, but it felt a lot stronger earlier on. Now my body feels so sore and tired, I can't even fathom an all out "nesting" episode.

In our birth class, the first of the 11 (?) couples had their baby. They sent out pictures and a birth story. And I see the pic of mom and dad, sitting in the hospital bed, with newborn baby, everyone a glow, and I just can't imagine that will actually be us. Soon! The round belly with an alien inside of it seems so far disconnected from the concept of a wiggly, crying baby in my arms. I just can't fathom there actually being a baby- our baby- at the end of this. It still feels like something that only happens to other people. I don't know when or if it will ever feel real. ***********************************
Our carpets are cleaned. I am still so excited. But I will admit it has been a lot of work. I was in so much pain today in my pelvis and back from over doing it. and the house is SO unsettled as we let everything dry that DH and I are both discombobulated. But they look so nice and fresh and I am bound and determined to not let any clutter return when we start putting things back. It feels so good to have the rooms all emptied out.
I've had some anxiety lately - a feeling that I should someone "feel" more ready, or "feel" more excited about how close we are to baby time. But going back to my previous thoughts shared, it just doesn't feel real. And as a result, I can't fathom the joy that is (from everything everyone tells me) just around the corner. I am really having a hard time imagining what is to come.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

I love you Mr. Carpet Cleaner

We are having our carpets cleaned tomorrow morning and I am so giddy I can't contain myself. I love our lil home and we remodeled it almost from the bare bones when we bought it so there is love and sweat personally poured into every bit of it. I've used a friends home carpet cleaner a couple of times in the past, but this is the first time we've had it professionally done. And I am so excited. DH just rolls his eyes. And prepping for the carpet cleaner is plenty of work- and moving stuff off the carpet isn't really anything I can help with. So, I don't blame DH for not being enthusiastic as me- but grateful he is being a good sport. I don't know why, but it just feels like having the carpets cleaned is one of the Nesting rites of passage before baby comes. And it makes me feel like we are that much closer. Once carpets are cleaned I can really get things settled- where as so far, a lot of things have been 1/2 done as we were awaiting the carpets being cleaned. Thanks Mr. Carpet man for making my day.

Now and then

DH's cell phone rang in the other room. I hear him answer the phone and excitedly greet a good friend of his that he hasn't talked to in a while. A friend that lives in the area that he used to see on a regular basis. As guys are prone to do, they waste no time in cutting to the chase of getting caught up in life. I hear the joyous excitement rise in Dh's voice as his friend tells him that he and his wife re expecting, due in January. As I type this, DH is giggling like a school girl, and giving high fives through the telephone to his friend. He is so excited to have a friend who is having a baby right after us. And my mind drifts back to memories of pregnancy announcements- to times in which the same phone call took place, with other friends, in years past, at a time when pregnancy seemed so elusive. And I remember the pain that seared through me. And I wish I could go back and hold that "me" in my arms and make those years of pain go away. I wish for all those who know all to well what I am talking about- I wish for all of that hurt to not exist.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

This little piggy

A package arrived in the mail from my favorite Aunt. This Aunt means the world to me. If this baby is a girl, the middle name will be this Aunt's middle name. One thing I know about my aunt is that she is not one to hold on to sentimental stuff. They have a small place and she has only kept a small amount of important things through the years. And the fact that she has been waiting these many long years, along side us, waiting to give this baby this gift brought tears for both DH and I when we opened.

Introducing Lil Piggy...

Here is the letter she included with piggy.

September 13, 2011

Dear much loved baby,
I have been waiting so long to give you my old piggy bank. It was given to me when I was 4 or 5 years old by my favorite Auntie, who was my mom's sister. It is almost an antique!

Your Grandpa and I were very poor growing up as little kids. However, we never felt poor. When we were given a piece of gum , it had to last us 2 days. So, at the end of the day I would take the gum out of my mouth, and stick it on the top of my piggy bank. The next day I would have a wad of stale, tasteless gum to chew for another day. It made me very happy that my piggy protected my gum.

I even used piggy to save my 5 cent a week allowance. On our birthdays we would also get our age in pennies along with a small gift. It took a long time for my piggy to get full. You will notice, there is not an opening in piggy to get the money out. Do not break it open! When I needed money, I would lay on my back on the bed, hold piggy upside down and use a nail file to slide each coin out. It took forever!!
This piggy bank was multi purpose. It saved all my pennies and it saved all my gum. I hope this piggy bank brings you as many riches and fond memories as it did for me.

I love you already,
Great Auntie

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

38 Weeks

How Far Along? 38 Weeks

Maternity Clothes? Yep

Weight Gain? Not sure

Stretch Marks? No (this amazes me)

Sleep? Same as it has been all pregnancy- wake up once every night. Not much of a complaint though.

Best Moment of the Week? First meeting with Doula; feels like such a great fit. Also had a get together with couples from one of our baby classes that was so much fun.

Movement? yes,

Food Cravings? Not craving much

Gender? Will know in 2 weeks give or take-

What i miss? Wearing my wedding rings. Being able to put my pants on while standing up.

Symptoms: Pelvic tenderness. Otherwise feeling amazingly good.

Looking forward to: Next yoga class; So weird to be one of the ones in my "due time"- there is always a collective awe in the room when I say how far along I am.

Weekly Wisdom: Learn to say yes to offers for help

Milestones: Car seat is installed; not entirely perfect, but at least it is installed. And we have enough of the basic necessities that we are ready enough if baby comes.

Emotions: Roller coaster

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Wishing I could stay pregnant forever

I never thought I'd say that. Ever.

This pregnancy hasn't been easy. And as an IFer, it is really hard to admit that I haven't loved every minute of being pregnant. I have blogged some about how yucky I have felt, but I truly haven't let it all fly here. Good old infertility guilt has filtered how much I write.

But the truth is that for most of this pregnancy I have truly wondered if I would ever want to choose to do this again. Cuz it has been tough. really tough.

But being that honest makes me feel ungrateful. And it makes me feel like somehow it takes away from the beauty of the awe filled moments- the kicks with DH's hand on my belly late at night, the hiccups while I am in staff meeting that only I am aware of. All of that is beyond just hasn't been easy. I've just felt putrid sick for most of the time.

But lately? The last week and half? Get this- I have felt really really good. Who in the world finally starts to feel good at 37 weeks? But that's been the case for me. and I am so grateful. I truly feel like I am experiencing what I hear when women say how much they loved being pregnant. I couldn't fathom what they were talking about- now I know.

My body feels good, I'm sleeping fairly well, blood pressure still perfect, food agrees with me. I have sufficient energy. Love feeling baby in me. I love my belly and my body and feel more comfortable in my own skin than I have during this pregnancy.

Go figure.

It even crossed my mind that I wouldn't mind feeling this way forever. It seems so ironic that just as I am supposed to be at my most uncomfortable, nearing my due date, instead I finally feel good.

No complaints- taking it a day at a time, and grateful for all of it.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

37 Weeks- DUE TIME!

How Far Along? 37 Weeks - Officially in my "due time" Amazing.

Maternity Clothes? I bought some more last week. It seems silly given how close I am, but I just very much disliked my one pair of jeans. The few things I got from Old Navy will be just perfect for the remainder of the pregnancy. It took me all this time but I finally came to the conclusion I despise full panel maternity pants. I tried to like the two pair I own, but just didn't work for me.

Weight Gain? 37

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Same as it has been all pregnancy- wake up at 330am ish every night. Not much of a complaint though.

Best Moment of the Week? Maternity photo shoot

Movement? Had a pretty big scare Tuesday- Hadn't felt baby move much at all over the weekend. Midwife sent me immediately for biophysical u/s and NST. All is well- baby just moved into a position that it is harder for me to feel movement. Did not like the scare one bit.

Food Cravings? Dairy and smoothies and apples.

Gender? Will know in 3 weeks give or take-

What i miss? Wearing my wedding rings. Being able to put my pants on while standing up.

Symptoms: Pelvic pain. Otherwise feeling amazingly good.

Looking forward to: Maternity leave

Weekly Wisdom:

Milestones: Birth class done; Full term and fully baked- 37 weeks. Amazing.

Emotions: Sheer joy and also panic all at the same time.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Belly Pics Updated

I finally got around to adding pics from 29 weeks and 37 weeks on my Belly Pics page - So hard to fathom I am 37 weeks pregnant tomorrow.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Where will this blog go

I've read along as other bloggers navigated the transition from TTC to IF to Pregnancy and motherhood. And inevitably there is always the reflective blog post on what direction the blog will go, whether the blogger will keep blogging and a sense of reevaluating identity in the midst of that. I feel those questions already swirling in my own mind as I wonder where I will go with this blog. I don't know the answer yet, but I can say this much.

I needed this blog. No ifs ands or buts. It was my therapy. My healing space. My grieving space. And the space in which I kept cautiously dipping my toes in the river of hope over and over again.

I needed all you bloggers. This community kept me grounded. Walked with me post by post. Wiped my tears. Reassured me that I wasn't alone. And never judged who I was or where I was at in life.

And now as our lives are about to enter a new chapter, I am not sure what I will need. I feel a bit like I am being pulled away from this blog. Which makes me how I will feel after baby comes. Maybe I will find I need this blog in new ways? Maybe I will feel that this chapter is closed? I don't know...

I can say that I plan to keep bloggin until the kiddo is born. Weekly updates have been great for my own record of this pregnancy and I still find I need this reflective space as well.

I also will write the birth story and share pics. I blog anonymously, as I am pretty intensely private, so anonymous bloggin is most comfortable for me. But I do plan to post pics and at least leave them up on my blog for a bit.

After that, I ask that you bear with me as I figure out what next. Life is about to take another turn in the road and I am not sure what it will look like or feel like....So, if I go dark for a while, i'm probably trying to figure it out and trusting I'll find some clarity as to the role of this space in the next chapter.

Saturday, October 8, 2011


In the last week I have:
lost my credit card
locked my keys in the car (but THOUGHT that I lost them)
lost my usb flashdrive
lost the cap to the maple syrup within minutes of taking it out of the fridge

All of the above were found/solved by DH. He just keeps laughing at me as I have nothing but mush for brains right now.


Monday, October 3, 2011

Obsessions and Anxiety

I've been obsessed with looking for a dresser for the baby's room. Obsessed.

And it is so unlike me. We really aren't decorating a nursery. Our small condo needs to be multi functional so the "baby's room" isn't quite yet exclusively a nursery. So we are making spaces for baby, but still with an eye to multi-functional.

I decided we needed more storage for baby clothes and diapers and I wanted a surface to make into a changing table, but didn't want to buy an actual changing table. So I started shopping on craigslist - and it turns out, not only was I very picky, but I was wanting to pay almost nothing for it. AND turns out- dressers are popular on CL, so hemming and hawing was not an option as they were selling fast. I have been scouring CL for a dresser for weeks with no luck. I have probably emailed a dozen different sellers and nothing has worked out yet.

Tonight I struck gold. I found the cutest lil dresser, perfect dimensions, perfect color and style for my taste and only $30! From the time I found it on CL to having it back home and in our quasi nursery- 2 hours flat. And DH humored me and went with as my pack horse to lug the thing into the car, even though he had a lot of work to do tonight.

I am so so pleased to be able to move on to my next obsession now that I have that off my list. For the record, I have no idea what on my to-do list is going to be my next obsession, but I am sure something will rise to the surface.


As we were leaving to go pick up the dresser, we opened our front door and a large box was sitting at our front door, dropped off by the UPS truck. Our car seat. Our baby's car seat. DH got all giddy, only to turn around and find me silently crying. I a surprised by how much it took my breath away- I mean, I ordered the dang thing, I KNEW it was coming soon. But to actually see it there on our front step was surreal...., or actually it was just so REAL.

I am just so so in awe that this is really happening. I can't believe we actually are going to need a car seat. in OUR car.



it is rearing its head again. that constant worry that something is going to go wrong. that something IS wrong. I am spending way too much time analyzing every little baby movement (or lack there of) and sapping all my emotional energy in the meantime. I just wish I could be carefree. I wish I didn't know first hand that happy endings aren't always the way things go.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

36 Weeks (on Tuesday)

How Far Along? 35 weeks and 5 days (36 weeks on Tuesday)

Maternity Clothes? starting to feel some clothes are getting a bit small (think Dora the Explorer belly)

Weight Gain? I haven't weighed myself in several weeks. I feel like at this point knowing what the scale says at this point won't change my eating- I feeling like I am eating what I need to, so just letting my body/baby gain what it will in these final weeks.

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Same as it has been all pregnancy- wake up at 330am ish every night. Not much of a complaint though. I will say though that rolling over is painful in my pelvis region.

Best Moment of the Week? Doing first two loads of baby laundry and sorting baby clothes by size. Being able to feel baby parts (a butt in particular) when I poke at my belly.

Movement? Movement feels different. Not sure how to explain it.

Food Cravings? Nothing I can think of.

Gender? Will know in 4 weeks give or take-

What i miss? Wearing my wedding rings.

Symptoms: Pelvic pain, heartburn, feet feeling a bit swollen in my shoes, but don't look too swollen

Looking forward to: Final birth class, cutting back on my hours at work, getting carpets cleaned

Weekly Wisdom: Breathe.

Milestones: Tags removed from new baby clothes and washed and put away. Big milestone!

Emotions: Been more anxious lately. I worry when baby is more mellow- I don't like that at all. Also I am just in awe and a bit of a daze- not feeling like I am very present or grounded.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Reflections at 35 weeks

Today marks 35 weeks. We will have a baby in our arms in no more than 7 weeks! And could be sooner. I am very aware of the "countdown" in everything I am doing these days. Don't get me wrong, I am so unbelievable excited, but anxiety and some moments of panic are creeping in. It is so surreal to wait for so long for this, to want this so badly for so many manys years. And then to be within weeks of becoming a family of three? It is so incredibly hard to wrap my head around.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

34 weeks

How Far Along? 34 weeks

Maternity Clothes? Yep

Weight Gain? up 2 from two weeks ago

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Same as it has been all pregnancy- wake up at 330am ish every night. Not much of a complaint though.

Best Moment of the Week? Getting a hand me down Ergo carrier and hiccups, LOVE when baby hiccups

Movement? Yes- baby feels so much bigger. Feels more like a chubby baby and less like and alien.

Food Cravings? Still picky. Been the norm.

Gender? Will know in 6 weeks give or take-

What i miss? Wearing my wedding rings. Easily putting on socks.

Symptoms: Pubic bone pain, sharp pain in rib under my right breast- both of which were wonderfully helped by my chiropractor, little bit more heartburn then before. Tired!

Looking forward to: Weekly birth class, Couples shower next week, cutting back on my hours at work

Weekly Wisdom: Breathe. Nothing is more important than you and baby's health and well-being right now.


Emotions: Mind is racing. Definitely high anxiety and stress related to work. Working to remedy this soon and cut back there.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Even I can't stand me right now

I feel like I am having a mini-meltdown. Nothing I can put my finger on concretely. Just this feeling of being a basketcase through and through.

I have had an extremely short fuse. I am gruff with DH every other word. I don't find myself enjoying much that I normally know I would. I am easily overwhelmed by stupid small stuff and I can't even stand to be around myself I am so incredibly cranky.

I am plain grumpy and feeling a fragile and frazzled. I SO hope this mood is short lived.

I know I am in desperate need of some self-care. But you know when you are so depleted that even taking the steps to add a little self-care in your life seems SO daunting?


I have a massage and a haircut in the next two days. I at least scheduled that. I have scheduled myself "out of the office" for several blocks of time this week to shorten some of my days. I figure that is a good start.... I hope some extra rest can get me out of this funk. I need to rest. I need to not feel so overwhelmed. I don't feel like "me" and I don't like that.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Strange pregnancy moments

I've done several posts during this pregnancy of some of the odd and the unexpected things. This one has been one I am noticing more and more.

Throughout our relationship DH and I have been big on walking hand in hand or arm in arm. We tend to be touchy people and like being close to each other that way. Since somewhere in the late 2nd trimester- this has changed. I can't handle being touched by him when we are walking. I've tried holding hands, arm in arm, his hand on the small of my back or around my waist- and it doesn't matter what we try- I just can't handle it.

I am not sure exactly what it is- but a big part of it is that walking while pregnant takes more concentration to balance and I find I am more aware of my pelvis area, keeping it aligned. And the distraction of extra sensory input of being in physical contact with DH is too much.

We laugh about it- it really seems so absurd. of the things I look forward to, walking hand in hand again is high on the list.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Workplace discrimination

Perhaps I am naive, but I truly thought that I wouldn't have to even think about the possibility of pregnancy discrimination where I work. Sure, it crossed my mind and perhaps I believed there might be subtle discreet ways in which it would happen- but today it smacked me in the face.

My boss was fired last week. Craziness ensued. New boss put into the position that very day. FINALLY got a face to face sit down with her today (yes, HER!, and yes she is a mother), and I swear- everything she said was was straight out of the "how to get your self sued when supervising a pregnant employee." I was, and still am, aghast. In a nutshell, she tried to get me to admit that bonding with my kid was going to take priority over my career (and what was unsaid, or subtly said) was that I won't be able to focus on my career.

I also am learning in bits and pieces her vision for reorganization. And let's just say that my position is completely absent in the bits and pieces I have heard AND she plans to appoint a male from a different department to do my job. A male who I have felt like over and over has taken credit for my work.

I am just speechless and my head is a mess.

Really, I don't fuckin' care. I've complained about my job ad naseum here on the blog and I wanted out. But it feels so yucky to leave this way. I feel like it takes away from the hours I have poured into that place. It feels like I have just been shit on. I wish I could have left on my terms. I wanted to leave on my terms....

Nothing has been finalized so I don't know for sure how its going to go- but the writing is on the wall. And however it plays out, even if they pull their heads out of their butts and recognize the risk they take given my pregnancy rights and play fair, I still feel like who I am in my role there has been compromised.

It is all an ego thing. And as I sit here typing, the kid is having a party in my belly. And it pierces me to the core that I would spend even a second worrying about something as trivial as a job I don't like, never wanted, and had planned to leave. Why do I waste a single breath on something so unimportant? I am going to be a mom. Something I wanted and still want 100 fold more than this or any job. DH and I are going to be a family in a whole new way.

This job has been sucking me dry. And I do want out. But I am not sure yet if we can afford for me to walk away. I'm too scared to take the leap. But I don't want to leave as a result of feeling pushed out of the sandbox. And that is how it feels.

Sorry for the venting- I just don't know how to get out of my head and find my center again. I WANT TO BE FULLY PRESENT AND ENJOY THIS LAST WEEKS OF BEING PREGNANT AND THIS BS IS JUST NOT WORTH IT. But if feels like if I concede then I am admitting defeat. They won. And all my efforts there were wasted.

Hoping tomorrow and some serious rest brings some clarity from the emotional fog...

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Long over due: 30, 31, 32

This week is a 30, 31, 32 week update combined into one. Where or where has the time gone. Life has been - well, crazy- but I'll save the details of the craziness for another post.

How Far Along? 32 weeks 1 day

Maternity Clothes? Bought a few more shirts, so I would have something fun to wear to our showers and because I was getting a little tired of my options in my closet.

Weight Gain? 32; Not at all what I had planned on gaining, but the most frequent comment I get lately is how surprised people are that I am as far along as I am. I guess people think I look on the small size belly wise. So go figure...I just have a plan for being very diligent in losing it afterwards.

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Okay- not great, but not a huge inconvenience. My back aches so I toss and turn and my mind has been in overdrive at night which fuels insomnia.

Best Moment of the Week? First baby shower; feeling baby hiccups, I love my midwife appointments. First birth class (loved it).

Movement? Yes- Frequently the kicks and jabs are strong enough that it hurts, which I oddly really enjoy. I felt its butt repeatedly pushing up on my ribs one day over and over and over during staff meeting which was kinda fun. There are days when baby is really really mellow and that has caused a few anxious times, but glad those are not the norm.

Food Cravings? Nothing I can think of.

Gender? Will know in 8 weeks give or take- people are loving making predictions.

What I miss? More than anything this pregnancy I mostly miss wearing my wedding rings.

Symptoms: The last two weeks i have turned a corner and definitely feeling good (really good) again. I have NO idea why I felt so miserable from week approx. 25 to 30 but now that I feel good again it is apparent that I felt really really crappy. Not taking any of these good days for granted.

Looking forward to: Nursery being done. Feeling a bit like it will never happen....

Weekly Wisdom: The to-do list will never ever be fully done. Deal with it.

Milestones: Glucose test (passed); Random strangers in grocery store (etc.) asking when I am due. Started birth classes.

Emotions: A few hormonally induced emotional fits. First one I could tell DH didn't quite know what to do with me. We had a good chat afterwards, I promised him it is pregnancy related hormones and he was much more understanding with the second crying fit. Oh vey.

How in the world is it that I am only 5-10 weeks away from having this baby. A real life baby.

I will never fully wrap my mind around it.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Sorry for the blogger silence, blog friends. Prego wise I am doing fine- I am actually feeling good again (which is so odd after feeling like crap for literally 5 weeks).

But the rest of life there is just a lot going on right now and I am trying to keep head above water.

My boss was fired with no notice to my boss or to our office. I have a range of emotions on this- positive and negative I am trying to sort out.

There is family drama galore right now with a couple of my relatives- there is geographical distance which helps keep some boundaries, but my heart is heavy with it all.

I will update soon- thanks for worrying about me.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

29 weeks

How Far Along? 29 weeks

Maternity Clothes? Yep. Belly feels like it has had a growth spurt lately.

Weight Gain? not sure this week

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? so so. mostly my mind in overdrive is what keeps me from sleeping well.

Best Moment of the Week? Hmm., not sure. I guess I would say how much I love when DH can feel the kid moving. I swear sometimes the kid responds to his voice.

Movement? Yes- a couple of times the movement is strong enough that it hurts.

Food Cravings? Food is not my friend at all right now.

Gender? will know in 11 weeks (give or take a few)

What I miss? Feeling even semi-good; It's been a rough spell.

Symptoms: Just feel yuck. Food is not my friend. Sinuses/allergies also bad. Heartburn.

Looking forward to: Holding baby on my chest when it is born

Weekly Wisdom: This too will pass.

Milestones: Glucose test (passed), the sugary stuff really wasn't that bad at all to drink.

Emotions: A bit discouraged with how yucky I have felt, but starting to feel a bit better so holding on to the hope this was just a short phase of yuckiness.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Support for fellow blogger at Full Circle

Please stop over and show your love and support for Full Circle. I have followed her story for several years as her and her husband chose to become foster parents and have been a temporary stable home for many kiddos going through traumatic times. Just last week they learned the two children currently in their care were staying for good! They were given the go ahead to adopt. This weekend, Full Circle's husband was killed.

My hurt breaks for the family. No one should ever have to know loss like this. May they know some peace and comfort from the strangers that surround them in love and prayers from the blog community.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

An update

In work news, I have shortened a few of my days lately, and am feeling a tiny bit better. The extra rest and reduced pressure to perform has helped. At least a bit.

I was nervous to talk to my boss, but the conversation went very well. She pretty much said that she knows I get the job done and then some. She pretty much came right out and said that taking care of me (and baby) is number one priority and I can be as flexible as I need to be with my work schedule (and she doesn't care whether I report it as sick leave). She recognized how much I have put into my work, and said that she wouldn't bat an eyelash if I lightened up a bit right now. So I plan to work from home a bit more and shorten by days as needed. And it won't have much of an impact on the amount of paid time off I have after baby. Really the conversation couldn't have gone any more perfectly. I was shocked by her grace and support.

My midwife's theory of part of why I feel like crud is that the digestive system slows down and so everything is just sitting heavy in my digestive track. That seemed to make sense with part of what I am feeling (while not the entire answer to why I feel so yucky). But I am experimenting with eating insanely tiny portions= bite size really (even smaller than the usual small snacks throughout the day anyways). I also started taking Beta.ine HCL which she suggested as a digestive enzyme. We'll see if this all helps....

I passed my glucose test. I am a bit shocked actually. I had really resigned myself to not passing (I don't know why, I just did). It was on the high end of normal, but still normal. I also learned that my iron levels have maintained- I was was low to start with and they say they usually expect a drop even lower. But I have maintained which they said is incredible.

So, a pat on my back for my body. I was growing quite discouraged, feeling like it was failing me. The sickness and exhaustion are taking a toll on me, but having this news allowed me to have a bit of grace for my body that despite it all, it still is doing something right.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

28 Weeks

How Far Along? 28 weeks

Maternity Clothes? Yep.

Weight Gain? Taking a mental break from the scale right now; Updated to add: Scale says 27

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Not so great all of a sudden

Best Moment of the Week? The kid is just moving so much and so much stronger. Love it! Also got a lot done on our to-do list, including setting up the bassinet.

Movement? Yep, yep, yep. Actually can no physcially see my belly move on the outside.

Food Cravings? Food is not my friend at all right now

Gender? will know in 12 weeks (give or take a few)

What I miss? Sigh...not sure how to answer this one this week

Symptoms: See yesterdays post

Looking forward to: Feeling better (hopefully...)

Weekly Wisdom: Rest. Breathe.

Milestones: Read that 28 weeks means 90% viability if babe were to be born now. Amazing.

Emotions: Love my husband like crazy. Drained.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Pandora's box of yuck

I'm not sure where to even start. I'm afraid to even let the flood gates open, as I am not sure of all that will come out.

My midwife (whom I love, just love) started off my 28 week check up today with the most compassionate look and truly inquired how I was doing. I shrugged and gave a pat answer. She said, "cuz, hon, you're lookin a little green, really green actually."

And green is how I feel. As she prodded to inquire more, I realized just how terribly yucky I have been feeling and for many weeks now. On the one hand, it felt so freeing to finally just admit- and even moreso to have someone see it in my face without me saving anything. But on the other hand it is just so hard to admit. I don't know why that is so hard to admit. Well, I do know why...

I am not feeling good and I am blaming myself. (ugg- tears starting to well up). I have no doubt that preggo hormones are mixed in to these emotions. I know at an intellectual level (or at least I try to tell myself) that sometimes, somepeople just feel yuck-o in pregnancy. But I can't help but feel that somehow I am failing. That it is my fault that I feel so yuck. For goodness sakes, I am only 28 weeks!

Like if only I had been healthier before being pregnant, that I should have been eating better, that I should be excersizing far more that I should, should, should.

I know there is nothing about "should" thinking that is remotely helpful. but that's where I am at.

I have felt pretty cruddy for 4 weeks. It came out of no where- for weeks and weeks I felt on top of the world. And it seems like overnight, I crashed. And I don't know why. I can't put a finger on why I feel cruddy. I have tried and keeping trying a bit of this and a bit of that. Iron, probiotics, allergy meds, sinus rinses, papaya enzymes.

And the kicker on top of all of that yuck feeling is I am SO tired. And once again, I have had a hard time letting myself admit it because I feel like it is too early in the pregnancy to be feeling this tired and this yuck. I truly almost melted in a puddle on my drive home from work on Friday. It is just too frickin' much. And then I stayed in bed all morning the next day. Skippin' even my yoga class cuz it was all just too much.

My midwife suggested cutting back to 4 hour days at work and reclaiming some daytime hours for myself to take care of myself as I wake up feeling pretty good- it is just as the day goes on that I am spent by early evening. I've been starting to ponder how I could cut back at work anyways, but having someone else give breath to it gave it more weight. But also scares the daylights out of me.

But I feel like having to admit to my employer that I can't do it all is killing me. I ALWAYS get the job done and get it done well. I am just feel like I am destined to finish out this last 12 weeks of work before maternity leave doing a half-ass shitty job. I feel like it is so lame to say "I'm just too tired and feel too yucky to work a full day."


So, for tonight, I am taking a hot shower, crawling into bed, and finding the nerve to talk to my boss tomorrow. I will swallow my pride and trust that who I am - in my job and in life- is defined by far more than how many hours I work during my third trimester.

I'm due for my weekly blog update for 28 weeks, but given my mood tonight- I think I'll wait until tomorrow to post it.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Strange moments in pregnancy- take 2

- I have been fascinated lately with the fact that pregnant bellies are SO ROUND. It struck me at my recent prenatal yoga class, watching all the other bellies- that were all so round. How does that happen? I mean the kid itself, and other organs in there are lumpy blobs. If the belly took on their shape, there would be lopsided lumps and bumps. But I suppose it is the round shape as a result of the fluid filled uterus, but it is quite amazing if you think about it. Fascinating that they become so round.

- I find myself thinking often about the kid's world in there- in utero. And frankly, I am kind of worried that it might be bored. When I think of it in my arms, I think of the touch, and sounds, and smells, and interactions with lots and lots of people and things. But in utero? Doesn't it get boring?

- I have been reading a lot of May Gas.kin lately and starting to really really get excited about the actual act of giving birth (previously I was starting to get pretty anxious). But my anxiety has shifted to thinking about the kid's experience! I've been seeing pics and video that show the tight fit through the birth canal, and I worry about the kid feeling claustrophobic having its face and head all squished up like that. Yikes. Especially if it is a slow birth. If I think about it too much, it makes me get a little ancy. I guess again I have to trust that mother nature knows what it was doing in the design of this how process. (oh my! poor kid)

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

I am "that" woman

For 3+ very long years my reality was filled with the sharp pangs that cut deep through when I saw a round belly on a glowing women walking past me, or when a FB friend made yet another pregnancy announcement, or as I watched as my younger sister had not one, but two kids- and we still had none.

There is healing, undoubtedly, that has come to all of that darkness because of this pregnancy. But the emotions, the scars, are still close enough to the surface that I know I will never forget the journey it took to get here.

But I am also very aware of that fact that I have become "that" woman. I am, to the many women (and couples) still walking the long uncertain journey of TTC, I am "that" woman. That woman with the pregnant belly walking down the street, announcing a pregnancy on FB, and joining the "club" of motherhood.

I carry this awareness with me all the time- I am careful as to when and where I rub my belly in public places, I frequently scan the room when in groups of people- assessing how many in the room are of the age/place in life that they might be dealing with IF, and I have made a point to not go public with my pregnancy on FB.

But I am still "that" woman.

Last week I had a meeting- with a group of fellow board members that I meet with quarterly. At the last meeting I wasn't showing enough that it was obvious and I didn't make a public announcement. Overtime I shared the news one on one with many of the board members. One in particular, we'll call her Anne, is becoming a good friend of mine. We have actually bonded over the last couple of years over talk of TTC as she has been pretty open with me and others of a miscarriage she had last year. And she has just started to dip her toes in the waters of Fertility Specialists and testing. She knew early on that I was pregnant, and I have made a point to be as sensitive as possible with her and around the topic. But I forgot, until this recent meeting, that many of the board members still didn't know my news. And when I walked into the meeting room, as coffee and doughnuts were being had, there was a collective gasp and a very exuberant mob of people that surrounded me literally at the entrance to the board meeting. They reveled in my belly, and my supposed "glow", and asked all of the typical questions. "Do you know the gender? when are you due? how are you feeling? OMG, I had no idea!! Congrats Congrats, I am so excited for you" Etc. Etc.

And I will be honest that there was part of me that absolutely loved every second of it. It is in my opinion one of the rites of passage of pregnancy, and one in which I had so looked for to for so long. It is absolutely beyond comprehension to me of how much joy other people feel for this child in the making, that they have not even met yet, and how much I feel loved by the community in my life as they celebrate this with me.

But the part of me that will forever be an infertile was also very much aware of Anne's presence. She was just off to the side in the meeting room. Watching this scene unfold from a distance. And while I don't know for sure what she was thinking or feeling, having been in her shoes, I can only guess. And as much as I was loving every minute of it- a huge part of me wanted slink away and protect her from the hurt. Being "that" women that even unintentionally is a source of pain for those still in the trenches tugs mightily at my heart.

DH made a point of saying early in this pregnancy that as much as he understood my wanting to be sensitive to not boasting or parading this pregnancy in front of others, he also didn't want that to take away from the joy and celebration that this new life deserves. This long awaited, long prayed for, long fought for life. And I agree with him on that side of the argument as well.

Finding that balance and embracing both is tough.

I took this picture a few weeks back. I think that it is so telling of this dual reality we live when pregnancy occurs after infertility. When we started going through IVF I decided I needed to create a space to keep all (ALL!) of the swabs, needles, meds, and other paraphernalia. I emptied out a space on my bookshelf. and there we set up shop every night as DH gave me my shots. Over time, as we watched IVF turn into pregnancy, turn into the third trimester, that same shelf has accumulated new stuff- books on pregnancy, giving birth, breastfeeding, binder from my midwife, etc. And I am struck by the irony of this shared space on the shelf. BOTH are my reality. and BOTH are part of my identity.

Posted by Picasa
I have since cleared out the IVF stuff from that shelf as the shelf has become purely dedicated to this new chapter in life. But this picture will always be for me, i think, a more truthful depiction of the shared reality of pregnancy after IF.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

27 weeks- Third Trimester- OMG!

How Far Along? 27 weeks

Maternity Clothes? Yep.

Weight Gain? Not sure this week

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Fine. Few mild cases of restless legs (and arms)

Best Moment of the Week? Bought our first baby item, a little sleeper at a consignment store. Also got our new bike rack for our car so that we can carry bikes and baby in car seat at the same time.

Movement? yes, daily. But definitely ebbs and flows. some days are quieter then others.

Food Cravings? Hard boiled eggs (never really cared for them much before)

Gender? will know in 13 weeks (give or take a few)

What I miss? wearing my wedding rings

Symptoms: I felt quite yucky several days this week and the week before. I think it is getting better. Not sure what the deal is- maybe low iron? maybe sinus stuff? Wish it would go away whatever the yucky feeling is.

Looking forward to: Our first shower later this month.

Weekly Wisdom: The to-do list will eventually get done, and if it doesn't, oh well.

Milestones: Third trimester (hard to fathom)

Emotions: Just an even keel enjoyment.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

26 weeks

How Far Along? 26 weeks

Maternity Clothes? Yep. Complete strangers are most definitely asking now when I am due.

Weight Gain? 24

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Fine. My sinus congestion is the only thing making sleep a bit disrupted at times. Had a few nights of Restless legs, but taking iron seems to help.

Best Moment of the Week? One night the kid was particularly active. DH had his hand on my stomach and felt movement 4 different times in 4 different locations very distinctively. Pretty amazing to feel it in me on the inside and he can pinpoint the exact spot on the outside.

Movement? yes, daily. But definitely ebbs and flows. some days are quieter then others.

Food Cravings? Iced tea.

Gender? will know in 14 weeks (give or take a few)

What I miss? wearing my wedding rings

Symptoms: Overall I feel pretty good. But the last week and a half I have felt just a bit yucky frequently. Hard to put a finger on what it is. Maybe heartburn, maybe sour stomach, maybe sinus yuck, maybe all or none of the above. Will talk with my midwife about it.

What I'm looking forward to? Maternity leave

Weekly Wisdom: Enjoy every minute.

Milestones: This is the last update during the 2nd trimester. Next week's update I will be in the 3rd (OMG!)

Emotions: Disbelief. Joy.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Belly pics added

I've been inconsistent with taking pics, but better late then never.

In addition to the 5 week, 7week, 9week, and 16week shots I had up, I added two pics from today (25week1day). Oops- skipped a few weeks in there.

You can click on my Belly pics page.


I've been reflecting on fear lately. In part from reading My so called TTC life post about fear which I could so relate and in part from my recent realization that I no longer fear toilet paper.

There is no doubt that is creeps in now and then. That old familiar voice, that feeling of panic. It appears, and disappears from time to time. Moments when I realize I haven't been paying attention to kicks from the kid and can't remember when I felt him/her last. A brief dream I had in which i was spotting in my dream. I don't entirely escape it.

But it on longer is my constant companion as I am now realizing used to be the case. Looking back, the fear during, well during ALL of this journey, was so strong and so ever present. If manifested it self differently during different phases- TTC naturally, starting IVF, waiting for the egg retrieval and transfer, waiting for results, and more results and more u/s. Getting used to the new twinges, and feelings, in my body when i was newly pregnant and fearing it all spelled catastrophe on the horizon.

My heart leaps up in to my throat occasionally when I fear the worst now, but it is usually momentary. overall, I am just so much more content and present in the now. And the more time I spend in that space, the more I realize how much fear I've lived for the recent chapters of my life. And how often I feared I would never escape the fear. And how grateful I am that it is retreating.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

25 weeks

How Far Along? 25 weeks

Maternity Clothes? Yep. I feel like the belly got big overnight this week.

Weight Gain? 23

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Really good.

Best Moment of the Week? Nothing in particular, I am just loving all of this.

Movement? yes, often. Feels like this secret conversation I get to have with the kid

Food Cravings? Still finding I am picky about what sounds good. Garlic is evil. I am loving iced tea (which I have NEVER liked before)

Gender? will know in 16 weeks (give or take a few)

What I miss? Being able to take Pseudo.phedrine for my sinuses.

Symptoms: Sinuses and allergies were really rough earlier this week, as was heartburn. Also was shocked to notice the dark veins have appeared in my ta.tas like I have heard others talk about. WOWZERS! They weren't kidding when they said "dark veins." Also think I have been having round ligament pains all week for the first time.

What I'm looking forward to? Continuing to work on our to-do list at home.

Weekly Wisdom: None

Milestones: I look unmistakeably pregnant now- people are congratulating me, rather than being shy.

Emotions: So unbelievably content.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Milestone: Toilet paper

I have stopped checking the TP for spotting when I wipe. I am not sure when I stopped, sometime in the past week or so.

I don't think I was entirely aware of how ingrained of a habit it had become, until I stopped doing it.

A well formed habit after far too many miscarriages, waiting for AF, waiting and more waiting.

I have looked at so much tp in my three years TTC.

It is freeing actually- to no longer be afraid of the toilet paper. A small sign of some bigger inner healing happening on this crazy journey.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

24 weeks

How Far Along? 24 weeks

Maternity Clothes? Yep.

Weight Gain? Too afraid to check; Lately I have been starting to feel big. (Updated: I bit the bullet and got on the scale. Gain is 22.5; I know it is a normal part of pregnancy. Scale is not my friend though.)

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Really good. i'm a bit amazed actually.

Best Moment of the Week? We ordered some baby announcements to send out to a few people who don't know yet and they arrived in the mail this week. Made DH and I smile.

Movement? yes, daily. feels like an alien in me, rolling over and over and over.

Food Cravings? i like fruit. bubbly drinks. peanut butter.

Gender? will know in 16 weeks (give or take a few)

What I miss? My wedding rings, I strongly dislike tight rings, so haven't been wearing them

Symptoms: Sinuses and allergies are rough, but not keeping me down. Otherwise, I feel good.

What I'm looking forward to? A bunch of hand me downs a friend will be bringing over. And looking forward to making progress on my to-do list.

Weekly Wisdom: Enjoy today.

Milestones: viability- crazy to think that a) I've reached this point and b) that babies born this young can survive

Emotions: Total scatterbrain. I can't get anything done at work. I feel like I am in a fog, running in circles. So unlike me.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Milestone: The last u/s

Today was our last u/s. We have gotten to take a peek at the kid at (if I recall correctly from memory) 6wk, 8wk, 10wk, 19wk, and 23wk. If all goes as planned, the next time we see the kid he/she will be in our arms.

At my 19wk (19wk3days) they weren't able to get a perfect pic of the heart, and the doctor suggested a follow up, given this is an IVF baby. I guess there is some data some where that makes IVF babes higher risk.

It was offered as optional. I am not entirely convinced our baby is higher risk (and I don't think the doc was either). But We took them up on the offer, cuz, heck it was another glimpse of baby. But to be honest? there was a part of me that was truly ready to be done with ultrasounds. (Believe me, I too am shocked to be saying that). This u/s was different than any of the other ones- in that I wasn't nervous, I was just content and as always a bit curious. It was far more routine and not at all a roller coaster of emotions.

U/s were my security blanket at first- I held my breath from u/s to u/s. I feared history repeating itself in that dark room, lying on a table, only to be given bad news. But as the belly grows and now that I can feel the kid moving daily, plus we hear the heartbeat at the midwives regularly, I'm glad, and very ready, to be done (hopefully) with ultrasounds. I feel like I am ready to have that chapter behind me. I am ready to just trust in the journey.

Highlights from the day-
More than ever the kid looks like an actual baby, and no longer an alien (I mean that with all motherly affection)
Ouch, Ouch, ouch. Ultrasounds can hurt- the tech was pushing and prodding so hard at times and for so long- it was over an hour long u/s (and the majority of it was not much on the screen I could discern what it was) Although we did get a couple of good pics (I'll post later)
Everything looks perfect according to the dr and our quad screening came back a few weeks ago also showing no concern for any of the genetic diseases they test for
I don't know what amazes me more- the fact that the kid went from a few cells to 1.5 pounds in only 23 weeks or the fact that in the next 17 weeks it will go from 1.5 to 8-9 pounds. Both are hard to fathom.

all in all, it is safe to say I am living in a constant state of absolute awe.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

23 Weeks

How Far Along? 23 weeks

Maternity Clothes? Yep.

Weight Gain? Not sure this week

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Good. No complaints.

Best Moment of the Week? Starting to prepare the kid's room, installing the bookshelf in the closet

Movement? yes, daily. And much more frequently than last week. I actually wasn't expecting that I would feel movement constantly throughout the day at this point. I love it. DH felt a poke/jab from the outside for the first time on Saturday.

Food Cravings? Still a bit picky, but all in all pretty normal; Apples and watermelons are my friends

Gender? Waiting to be surprised.

What I miss? Can't think of anything

Symptoms: Pretty uneventful. Some heartburn, but can't detect a pattern or a rhyme or reason as to when I get it and when I don't; and pollen allergies are out control. Otherwise, no aches or pains or any complaints

What I'm looking forward to? Ordered some samples from the online Blinds store- finally getting around to ordering blinds for our room and the kid's room. Also excited to make progress on other things on my growing "to-do" list.

Weekly Wisdom: Can't think of anything...

Milestones: Friends lent us their Arms Reach crib. We picked it up from them this week. As soon as we finish a few more things on our to-do list we'll be able to set it up.

Emotions: Tears of joy and sappiness flow without warning at times, blame it on hormones

Saturday, July 2, 2011

I painted the baby's room...

...three years ago.

Three years ago, I painted the room that I prayed would someday soon be for our child. I painted it just a few months after our first miscarriage. The room was (and still is) DH's office and our guest room. For months and months after that first miscarriage I begged, pushed, and pleaded with DH to let me paint that room. Work was crazy busy for him and he didn't understand why I would want to tear up his office (and make a mess of the house) in order to paint the room, in light of the fact that we were no longer pregnant so there was no longer any urgency to the task.

I finally reached the peak of my intersection of grief and desperation and ended up melting in a sobbing puddle on the floor one day. I was able to finally find the words, and he was able to hear me, that if I couldn't have our beloved baby in my arms, DAMN IT, I at least I should get the pleasure of still painting the room. I at least deserved that.

He heard me and held me in his arms. That weekend in September 2008 I painted the room. And it was just what I needed at the time.

But that painted room has also continually been a lingering place of grief- a symbol of dreams unfulfilled. Of tears shed. Of hopes, crushed.

Two years later, during a particularly hopeful time, I bought a bookshelf for that room. Looking back, I don't know why I was feeling hopeful then. We were almost three years into TTC with no end in sight. No savings in our bank in order to move on to IVF or adoption. No answers. And no viable option laid ahead of us. And yet hope was returning to my heart. When I blogged about it at the time- I wrote about how ridiculous hope seems at times.

Today DH and I started pealing back the layers of clutter that have amassed in DH's office/guest room, the room that will be our baby's very soon. The bookshelf that I bought, 9 months ago, has been stored in our garage all this time as I needed a) DH to clean the office b) move the guest bed out in order to c) rip out the current shelving in the closet so we could install this new bookshelf in there.

Once again, I don't think DH understood at first why I have been so insistent on getting this project started. Until...until the tears started falling. As he is ripping out the last of the shelving in the closet, he turned around to unexpectantly find tears quietly running down my cheeks as I stood there watching him (they are flowing again just typing this). All I could whisper in between the tears was, "We have wanted this for so long..."

I am often left speechless when I think back on this past 3 1/2 years. The path through miscarriages and TTC was the darkest time I have known in my life. And yet seemingly insignificant gestures like painting that "damn" room and buying that bookshelf seemed to keep me going. They were gestures that carried with them an outward expression of the little bit of hope I could hang on to. And that hope, even when it seemed so faint, is the only thing that kept me going.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Strange moments in pregnancy

I can see, (and touch!), the bottom of my belly button it has gotten so shallow.


Tuesday, June 28, 2011

22 weeks

How Far Along? 22

Maternity Clothes? Yep.

Weight Gain? 18.5;

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Good. No complaints.

Best Moment of the Week? Midwife appointment- Loved the midwife, love hearing hb; Also got a pair of matching pj bottoms in the mail (one for me and one for baby) that my lil sister sewed for us

Movement? yes, daily.

Food Cravings? Still more picky of an eater than non-pregnant taste buds, but nothing t0o major

Gender? Waiting to be surprised.

What I miss? My family; My sister just had a baby and she lives near my parents and all the cousins. Makes me sad that our baby won't have that growing up as we have no relatives where we live.

Symptoms: None really. No aches or pains (other than my sore uterus which worries me but doesn't bother me). A little bit of heartburn, but not a big deal.

What I'm looking forward to? I see the midwife again in 4 weeks and then the frequency increases to appointments every two weeks

Weekly Wisdom: My sister (who now has a newborn and a two year old) reminded me that these next several months (4 to be exact) are my last months entirely to myself. My world will permanently change. (She would know- speaking from the thick of it). She reminded me to fully enjoy this time. It was a good reminder to be present in the now rather than solely thinking about time when baby is here.

Milestones: Feeling movement

Emotions: A little stressed surrounding my job. But loving summer so far and a slower pace in our household schedule.

Midwife appointment at 22 weeks & Nerves

The nerves, they never fully go away. The further along I get in this pregnancy, the more my confidence grows. And yet the nervousness still lingers. It is more subtle, a quiet trickle in the background, but it is still there. DH noticed how quiet I was on the way to our midwife appointment today. He was surprised I still get nervous. I don't try to - it just creeps up out of no where.

But this midwife appointment was the best one yet. I loved this midwife (whom I had not met before- the practice has three midwives that I rotate among).

Here is the bullet point version
-They measured my belly for the first time- I have always seen that on tv shows and such (from pubic bone to top of uterus) but this was a first for me. And I am measuring right on track, which was great to hear because just today two co-workers told me that I don't look very big.
- The midwives see me every 4 weeks right now, but after my next appointment 4 weeks from now I'll start going every 2 weeks which I am really looking forward to.
- Heard the heartbeat- which is always bliss. I still get nervous for no reason but I have to say that I've been pretty sure I feel the kid moving some every day now and that helps bring the nerves down.
-Midwife went through my recent u/s report and quad screening results and said everything was beyond perfect. She was great too- making sure to go through it in detail with a bit of fanfare and make a fuss over how good it all was which was nice.
-She also said that the u/s shows my placenta is right in the front - which has no bearing on anything other then it explains why it took SO long for me to start feeling movement. And she said where I feel the pokes and jabs will be a bit more indirect. It was like she she had been in my body feeling what I am feeling cause she explained it to a T what and how I have been feeling the movement.
- I shared my concern with how tight and sore my uterus has been. She gave great insight into what was going on and put my mind at ease. I am probably really low on iron and on calcium magnesium so she advised adding in those supplements but encouraged me to keep being active (which was just what I wanted to hear).
-She also described to a T how I have been feeling with being out of breath so easily and reminded me why that is (more blood in circulation, low iron, etc). And she was very clear that it is NOT because I am out of shape- it is other biophysical reasons. Which was nice to hear because I'll admit that my out-of-breathness has been making me feel like I am a big lug.
- And I also brought up to her a concern I had with the midwife practice. The last two appointments (at 14 wks and 18 weeks) when I showed up for my appointment I ended up seeing a different midwife then I was supposed to. Which would have been fine IF it had been one of the others in the 3 person group. But instead both times I had a substitute they bring in on occasion. I was pretty livid, to be honest. I really want to know my midwives and equally as important I want them to know me. And as nice as the substitutes were, it didn't fly for me. I hate bringing up things like this with doctors/midwives, but it mattered enough to me. As it turns out, this midwife I was talking with was the lead midwife in the group and was the perfect person to talk to. I liked her explanation about the transition they are going through and how they are proposing solving it and she did apologize that that is not their goal to use substitutes. She even said that in the future I can tell the appointment desk that I only want to see the three in the practice. And she very much opened her door to feedback anytime about anything. She reiterated that this is MY/OUR experience and it is important we express what we need, what is working, what is not. I was very impressed and pleased with the conversation.

Friday, June 24, 2011

21 weeks (Belated update)

How Far Along? 21 weeks (actually 21 weeks 3 days, and I didn't post at 20 weeks so this will capture two weeks+ worth of updates)

Maternity Clothes? Yes. And my shopping spree several weeks ago is serving me well. Choosing clothes in the morning is no longer as fretful.

Weight Gain? 18.5; Still far more than I had planned, but I only gained 1 pound in the last 2 1/2 weeks and that included a two week vacation during that time, so I will take that as a success)

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Good. No complaints.

Best Moment of the Week? Exploring other countries with DH while on a part business/part vacation trip and dreaming about what it will be like in the future with kid in tow.

Movement? Just this past week I felt what I am 99% sure is some pokes and jabs. Every day now, at least once a day I am feeling the same sensation and am 99% sure it is not related to gas or digestion or any other bodily function.

Food Cravings? Seltzer water; Never really liked it pre-pregnancy now I crave it.

Gender? Waiting to be surprised.

What I miss? Can't really think of anything.

Symptoms: None. This last several weeks has been almost unbelievable how uneventful it has been. We were traveling for most of it- which meant jet lag, lots of being on my feet, lots and lots of walking, long days, eating outside normal routine- and I haven't had a single ache or pain, digestive system has been great, and was not feeling overly tired. It is almost hard to believe how good I have felt. I did have two times in which there was the faintest amount of spotting when I wiped. It did send me into a bit of a panic, but haven't had any thing sense. I'm chalking it up to overdoing it, and will talk to midwife about it.

What I'm looking forward to? Maternity leave. After having been away from the office for two weeks traveling, I thought it would give me enough of a break to feel better about my job. But instead it has me looking forward all the more to my 4 month (or permanent?!) maternity leave from this job.

Weekly Wisdom: Use discretion when listening to anyone who thinks they are being helpful by telling you a labor and delivery horror story. Most likely they are not being helpful.

Milestones: Feeling movement;

Emotions: Have had a few times when I was irrationally emotional. Which I can accept as par for the course, except that I didn't realize I was overreacting until AFTER I had acted like a doofus for a while.

I'm back and still pregnant

DH and I just returned from a two week, 3 country whirlwind trip. The majority of the trip was work related for me, but DH tagged along and we added some vacation time to the end of the trip. It was a wonderful trip. (Sorry for going quiet on my blog, I thought I would post some while I was traveling, but didn't get the time to do so)

This was the third and final business trip that has been on my radar ever since IVF came into the picture. As we started planning for IVF, and subsequently got pregnant from it, I have been counting and re-counting the weeks on the calendar to see where this trip would fall IF we were pregnant. I proceeded to plan all three work trips, despite all the unknowns of whether or not I would get pregnant, whether or not there would be complications, whether or not we'd need to be scheduling a second IVF cycle, etc. So as each trip came and went, there was a certain amount of relief that washed over me as I returned each time- in awe that I was still pregnant.

The first trip was a one night overnight trip and my first time flying while pregnant. I was 14 weeks pregnant.

The second trip was a full week away at a conference when I was 18 weeks.

And this last trip, while I was 19-21 weeks is the third and final work trip on the calendar.

And I am still pregnant. With no blirbs, glitches, or anything noteworthy of concern. It has been uneventful.

It is still hard to comprehend how smoothly it has gone. I don't take it for granted at all. I know far too well how quickly all that can change.

But for today, at 21 weeks and 3 days, I am still pregnant and in awe. Not to mention grateful that my work trips are now all behind me.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

19 weeks

How Far Along? 19 weeks

Maternity Clothes? yep. pretty much all of it.

Weight Gain? 17.5

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Good. Finally sleeping on my side rather than on my back all the time.

Best Moment of the Week? Just finally feeling good again.

Movement? Still hard to say whether I'm feeling anything or imagining it.

Food Cravings? Nothing really.

Gender? Waiting to be surprised.

What I miss? Wearing my wedding rings regularly.

Symptoms: Lots of blowing my nose. Still amazed at how zonked I am by the end of a long day. But, feeling good overall (FINALLY!)

What I'm looking forward to? Maternity leave. And our u/s is tomorrow. I think though that I am more nervous than excited. Just want everything to be okay.

Weekly Wisdom: This is going to go SO fast. Enjoy every moment.

Milestones: The belly is getting attention. A friend asked this week if she could touch it. (Still strange to think someone wants to touch my stomach, but I know I was always fascinated by friend's bellies, so...payback. :))

Emotions: Sappy. Grateful.

Monday, June 6, 2011

I am grateful

(Forewarning- lots of gushing about the "p" word and my stomach getting rounder)

I have been spilling over with gratitude lately.

I am grateful that I feel good. I feel really really good. Can't say there are any symptoms at all that are bothering me. And just saying that almost brings tears to my eyes because I think I started to fear that after so many months of feeling so awful that I wasn't going to feel good at any time in this pregnancy.

I am grateful that I have 4 months of maternity leave (some unpaid, but we'll be okay). I know (well, I don't know, but I know as best as I can) that an infant is a lot of work and it is hard. But it is a different kind of hard for a change and I will have only one responsibility- the kid. No other work demands on my time. And I am so grateful and so looking forward to that. For four full months.

I am grateful that I love my belly. I'll be honest, if you haven't noticed, that my changing body shape and the growing number on the scale have triggered some long-held insecurities about my body, they linger in the background and I feared they would take away some of the joy of the experience. But, I just love my belly. It is round and definitely pregnant. And I just stare at it (and rub it sometimes, yes, I know I am one of THOSE prego women) and I just get giddy with disbelief.

I feel like I say it too much, but I am grateful for my husband. I am grateful for his boundless love and enthusiasm about this pregnancy. He is literally telling the world. First thing he does when he rolls over to hug me in the morning is tell me he loves me and asks how the kid is doing. Every phone call and text message throughout the day, no matter the topic, same thing, tell me that I am the greatest and asks about the kid. I thought we had the best thing ever before in our marriage and yet it has gotten even better.

I am grateful that I no longer hate my job. During the first trimester I absolutely despised every single minute at work. I am sure it was hormones, and the emotional roller coaster of all of it, and the feeling so sick and tired. And more. But I am tolerating my job again. And the days are going fast. And when things get rough, it is easy to keep in mind how close maternity leave is and I will have a break from all of it very soon.

I don't know how we got here. I don't know why we were the lucky ones to get pregnant on our first IVF. I don't know why all the many years of grief and loss. I don't know how much longer I could have kept fighting the long road of IF. I just don't know.

But for now I am grateful, and I don't want any of the "whys" to take an ounce of energy away from this gratitude.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Pregnancy induced sappy moments

It has to be the hormones. I've found myself crying at the drop of a hat a couple of times the last few days. All tears of joy though. But I feel like such a sap.

But it also makes me just laugh at myself.

The first time happened in the shower. (Forewarning- this is definitely TMI). (did I forewarn you?!) So, to back up a second, I've read in several pregnancy books and websites that the ta-tas start preparing early in the pregnancy and that women can experience some discharge or leaking as early as 16-17 weeks. This was news to me and a bit shocking- it seemed SO early. Meanwhile, I have also been a bit intrigued with the girls as they have grown and changed. But getting big is the only significant change so far. Fastforward to this week while I have been traveling for work. At the end of a long day, I was taking a shower and low and behold I noticed when I squeezed that a few tiny drops started to appear. I just started sobbing tears of joy. I know, so sappy- but just in awe to see my body actually doing something to prepare for this kid was just unreal. And made it seem all the more real.

In another sappy moment, I was at an all day meeting that took place in this gorgeous water front building. During a break, I went out on to this all glass enclosed balcony and the view was just incredible, air was warm, sun was shining. And I just started tearing up, telling the kid that "this", this beauty and everything in the world like this is what I wanted to share with him/her. This is what I got excited about bringing the him/her into the world.
Definitely a hormone induced sappy moment, but is just starting to feel more and more real.

Which feels so unreal.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

18 Weeks (and 1 day)

How Far Along? 18 weeks 1day (this last week has gone by sooo fast)!

Maternity Clothes? I packed away the last of my non-maternity work pants this week. There was one pair of jeans I was still wearing- bye bye for now. Shirts- I'm still a bit in between, but maternity shirts are becoming more comfortable day by day.

Weight Gain? Not sure.

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Fine. I am finding still though that I like sleeping on my back too much. Trying to break the habit.

Best Moment of the Week? Hearing the heartbeat at my midwife appointment. Handmade baby hat from dear co-worker. Dinner out with some very dear IF blogger friends.

Movement? Though I felt a gentle pop or two that MAY have been something. But haven't felt it since then. Jury is still out though..could be imagining it.

Food Cravings? Nothing really. Just working on eating healthily now that I feel better.

Gender? Next week is the anatomy scan, and we are going to try hard to NOT find out the gender. And I am actually a bit surprised that I am not even the least bit tempted to find out. Kinda strange actually.

What I miss? Wearing my wedding ring. Fingers got bloaty really soon, and rings have been off more days than they've been on. Sad.

Symptoms: Headaches. Otherwise, feeling good this whole week which I think is a first that I've felt good for an entire week at a time. So glad.

What I'm looking forward to? Maternity leave. Ha! I know it is a long ways away. But I think it is going to fly by. The month of June I am traveling for work almost the whole month. July has a huge project and looming deadline. And then only two more months of full time work (Aug & Sept), then October I plan to cut back to part-time. And then I am due. CRAZY!

Weekly Wisdom: Mind is blank this week.

Milestones: First baby gift. And people at work (who know me and know my news) openly talking about my belly and pregnancy. It was fun this week to share in that.

Emotions: Relief to have heard the heartbeat. I feel like the anxiety has vanished again. Hoping it doesn't creep back in.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Was it worth it?

So many times during our 3+ year journey of TTC, miscarriages, and IF I found myself feeling indifferent to getting pregnant or having a baby. Granted, I knew it was just a facade, a coping mechanism- layered on top of grief too deep to touch. The facade precariously held me together when faced with the inability to make happen the one thing I had always dreamed of- creating and carrying a child inside me and becoming a mom.

As much as I thought that was the one thing I had always wanted, over the years, the doubt started to creep in..-- Maybe, maybe my dream of being pregnant and of having a baby wasn't all it was cracked up to me. Maybe the fact that I COULDN'T achieve this dream had somehow artificially inflated my expectations, expectations that the dream once achieved could never live up to. Maybe it wasn't worth the struggle, the long arduous road of hope. Maybe it wasn't worth it, I feared.

Then when all other options were exhausted we dove into IVF. The very act of doing this forced me to believe that our dream of having a family was worth it. IVF is not for the faint of heart, nor pocketbook for that matter. While the odds, we were told were in our favor, there is no guarantee. And again, the doubt crept in. Is what we are trying to achieve, really worth all of this?

I have no doubt that fully answering that question will take much more time- but the one thing that has humbled me time and time again during these 18, relatively short weeks of pregnancy, is that it is most definitely worth it.

I would do it all again in a heartbeat. To have this. Seeing my belly become round. Watching DH talk to it and giggle with joy when he catches a glimpse of me from the side view. Starting to imagine that a wrinkly, pink, tiny baby will be in my arms, for real.

This is most definitely everything I had dreamed of and so much more.

It has not disappointed.