Saturday, April 24, 2010

Anti-depressant and Marriage counseling

How's that for a heavy blog title.

Anti-depressant- my counselor asked if I might consider exploring is an anti-depressant would be right for me. Ugg. DH brought this up several weeks ago as well (unfortunately, the timing or manner in which he brought it up wasn't good, and it led to an all out fight- tears, cussing, the works.) Sigh.

I know I probably should at least talk to my doctor. I loathe the idea of making the investment of time it will take to find the right drug and wait until i've been on it long enough to even know if it will work. And then rinse and repeat. I don't like the idea of being on one while ttc. are we even ttc any more? who knows.

But I know that my "blueness" is now probably more than just normal grief associated with all of our losses. Grrr.

I don't like this. But it is time to be a grown up and deal with this- or at least explore my options.

Marriage counseling-
I brag about my marriage here. I talk about how I have the best DH in the world. And yet, I finally had to come to admit that this journey we have been on with IF and losses has taken its toll. Things have been rocky lately. Longer than just lately. Hard to say for sure- it just feels like it creeps up and in.

Usually when we have tough spells, they are brief, we find a way to reset and come back to who we really are, and even at times we end up a bit stronger in our relationship. But that hasn't been happening. And for the first time in our marriage- we both have been a bit scared by the fact that we haven't been able to find our center again.

I brought it up to my counselor yesterday. And she asked how long I have felt like we have been having this tough spell. I said it's hard to know for sure, but probably since January/February.

"Since you decided to take a break from TTC."

Duh. But of course. It made so much sense. I hadn't even considered the similarities in the timing.

when we were TTC, there was a purpose, a shared mission, a common goal. And now, now the grief and discouragement just settles in deeper and deeper.

She encouraged seeing a counselor together. And it was a good reminder that by acknowledging that we probably could benefit from marriage counseling, we're not admitting that we are failing or even in crisis. rather it is an acknowledgment that we could benefit by having someone walk along side us, and carry a bit of this very heavy burden we've been shouldering.

Update on the phone call
Nothing really to update. We called our friend, let her know that we'd be interested in at least asking some questions if her friend (the boys' aunt) wanted to. We haven't heard anything. Which is fine. We did our part in opening the door for conversation. And I have found myself spontaneously and without effort gravitating to praying for her and the boys often. For everyone involved, it is a tough situation. As as tough as it is for the Aunt to be raising the boys, I also can't imagine making the decision to initiate a conversation around having someone else adopt them. How would you ever pick up the phone and start that conversation?

Thursday, April 8, 2010

A phone call

I got a phone call from a friend today.

She and her husband both work at the same place my husband and I work. They have adopted two kids (international adoptions) and so a common interest was the catalyst for the friendship, and while we don't know each other really well yet- we really enjoy the time we have spent with them so far- a few dinners, walks during lunch break at work. She is one of the few people I have shared pretty openly with our journey - the miscarriages, the fears, etc. She is an IFer herself and just understands.

She called me at work- we have both been busy and barely seen each other lately. She apologized in advance that her conversation was going to cut right to the chase and we'd have to do lunch to do the true catching up that we were overdue for.

She had just come from a long talk with a friend of hers. The friend is also an employee at our company. I recognize her name, but don't know her personally. This friend recently, and unexpectedly, became the temporary guardian for two little boys, 2 and 3 years old, when their dad died. As much as she longs to keep them connected in the family, she is not in a place to raise them as her 4 kids are already grown adults. Sounds like there are no other family members either.

She wants the best for them. A family that could adopt. My friend thought of us.

My friend apologized for the out of the blue phone call. But as unexpected of a call as it was. It also felt a bit, well, I don't know- it just didn't feel as crazy as it sounds when I type it. It felt like at the very least the spirit was whispering "Listen." Listen to the unexpected ways in which I work in your life.

Is it of interest? Worthy of at least some consideration? I would be lying if I said no. My curiosity is peaked. (A post for another time- because I know that might sound exactly opposite to the recent mood of my posts-) Is it crazy? Unrealistic? Probably.

But at least for the weekend, I will listen. Maybe "this" isn't anything. Maybe it is a piece of the journey that we are meant to ponder and move on- but even that is a stepping stone along the path of where this road may take us.

My prayer is just that I may listen well.

The end of anniversaries

Today is the anniversary of one of our d&c. But I feel that hopefulness might just be around the corner.

While is is a tough anniversary, it marks the end of a long long series of anniversaries. Both of our pregnancies were in February (one in '08, one in '09) so all of our anniversaries of our BFP, blood draws, u/s, confirmation of blighted ovums, and finally d&Cs happen from February, throughout March, into April which brings us to April 8. The last significant anniversary date of our two miscarriages. The next dreaded anniversary is not until October (when both our EDD were to be).

So, maybe, just maybe, I'll reconnect with hope again. And embrace all that Spring is meant to be about in the coming months.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

It's about time

I've been playing ball on a womens team for a couple of years. They have become, and are becoming, good friends. I enjoy the outlet for healthy competition, and they are a good group of women, and we truly enjoy each other.

But even in the safe community of friends, words can sting.

One of our teammates announced she is pregnant. As an infertile the sensors go up, even before the words are spoken. We know the non verbals that signal the announcement is coming.

And as our team congratulated her, one of our team mates said, "Well, it's about darn time one of you finally got pregnant."

I know what she meant. i know she meant no harm, but oh how it stung ...and stings. She is the only one on the team that has a child, and her daughter is almost school age. So I know what she meant- it has been years, and no talk of babies in this group of friends. Until now. So I know what she meant. But...

I think of our two losses- I want to scream out "But I was pregnant too!! Two times, I just never could tell you, because they came in to my life, and left, all too quickly and with far too much pain." I want to scream it, but I know I can't. Cause society doesn't give space for the pregnancies that came and go all too quickly. But I was screaming it inside, longing to have our little ones acknowledged too.

I left the game pretty quickly afterwards, but not quick enough that I would make anyone take note as the chin started to quiver a bit. A few tears fell as I drove home. But some clarity also came in that exchange tonight.

I realized how much I want that.

I realized that I am not done trying to achieve
"that". I want the chance to publicly celebrate among a community of friends that care for me and I care for them. I want the chance to honor the life within me. And to find some healing for the lives within me that came and went too quickly. Silently slipping into the darkness, never to be celebrated publicly. Two lives that I loved so much, that changed me forever, and I never got to share them with anyone.

I have been beating myself up a bit lately on this whole adoption thing. Adoption is something I have always envisioned for my family. And yet, I am so completely blocked right now that I just can't bring myself into a mental space where I can fathom pursuing that path right now. I can't summon up the excitement anymore for it. And tonight confirmed that for me. It confirmed that I am not ready to walk away from the chance of getting to someday announce those two little words to a group of friends and to get to celebrate with them about the life that is within. that someday will be in my arms.

I want that. And even if it takes more time, effort, and money than I would have liked. It is what I want. And I won't regret it.

Lord let it be.