Monday, June 10, 2013

Coming up for air

I am coming up for air since the grief of our negative FET.  It was rough.  Rougher than I expected it to be.  But healing from it, and coming up for air, isn't nearly as tough as in the days before my daughter M was in my arms.

Babies are being born ALL around me right now    I have gained an amazing community of first time moms with children the same age as M.  But the consequence of that is that they are (almost) all starting to have #2.  Three have been born in the last 4 weeks.  Two more are due soon.  and three more are due this Fall.  That familiar feeling is still pretty close the the surface-  that feeling of your breath being pulled out of you when a pregnant woman walks into a room, or when I watch M gently stroke the back of a 1 week old baby in adoration.  I feel the old grief lurch in side.  But it most definitely has been healed some by the joy that M is in my life.  I delight in her.  I delight in being her mom.  And i find peace in that amidst the fertility that surrounds me.

For a while after our negative FET, I had to step back and give myself a space from all the bellies and babies.  But as time goes on, now I find myself in a space where I see my friends with bellies bursting, chasing toddlers who are throwing tantrums, and those with newborns trying to breastfeed, and recover from the birth, and meet the needs of their toddler, and I find myself NOT wanting that. It makes me tired just thinking of that being our life.  I am guessing that it is only a defense mechanism.  Maybe it is my emotions way of telling myself that it is okay in the end that I didn't get pregnant.  It is probably just the way my heart is finding a way to cope.  But right now-  I am not longing at all to be pregnant or to have another baby.

Part of me is grateful to this coping mechanism, as it is allowing me to just go on with life.
Part of me finds it disturbing to loathe the idea of pregnancy and a new baby so much.  What kind of infertile person loathes the idea of getting pregnant and having a baby!?  

When we got the result, I immediately went into goal setting mode telling myself that I was going to lose another 15 pounds before our next FET.   Seven weeks have passed, and I have accomplished nothing.  My motivation has been non existent.

But I am telling myself again, that I am going to find my motivation to commit to losing this 15 pounds that I had gained during our infertility journey.  I am proud of my success in losing all of the pregnancy weight.  I just want to be a bit more healthier.....if....when...we try again...for the last time.

We are aiming for our last FET in September.  I told DH that I needed some time to have my body back. To grieve a bit.   And I also wanted to lose this weigh.

Part of me worries we are waiting too long-  as the clock is ticking.  And if it DOESN'T work we don't have any easy next steps-  adoption or a fresh cycle would both take a lot of time and a lot of money to put into gear.

But the other part of me has ZERO interest in dealing with anything related to IVF.  ZERO.  I am tired.  I want to play this summer, and I am plenty content with life right now.

So we will see-  I have yet to actually schedule the date-  but that is what we are aiming for. Hopefully my heart catches up with my brain by September.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Another life

I was married once before.  It seems like another lifetime.  It seems like it was someone other than me.  We got married 15 years ago this summer.  15 years!!!  Our divorce happened two years later.

I have not seen him since he looked at me on the steps of the courthouse the day our divorce paperwork was submitted before the judge, and he turned and walked away without saying a word.

I saw him today.

It brought up a lot of emotions.  Not about him.  But about the journey.  I think about where I could have been in life, about where I have been and where I am now.  I have gone through some of the toughest times in the past 15 years, and yet I can honestly say i love my life today more than I could have ever dreamed of.

We were young-  too young.  We married quickly-  too quickly.

Seeing him brought up deep rooted emotions not about him, but about who I was and who I am now.  It would be tough to say which journey was harder-  the darkness of the divorce and recreating my life afterwards or the darkness of infertility and miscarriages.  By far they are the two darkest times in my life.

At the time I met him, I was longing to be in a relationship.  I was longing for family, as my immediate family was in dishevel.  I had just moved 1400 miles away from home for the first time.  And he had this great big gigantic extended family.  Aunts, and uncles, and cousins, and grandparents, and in laws and the list continues.  I felt like I had found home.

I also lost a sense of my identity, of who I was -  because I never never imagined i'd be divorced!- but I also lost all the family I had come to love and be loved by.  Almost overnight.

But like the journey of infertility/miscarriages the strength that grew up in me during that time fundamentally changed who I am.  And I have no regrets of who I have become.

I saw him at a funeral today.  It was the funeral of my best friend's father.  My friend is his cousin.  She and I became instant friends when he introduced her to me at a family gathering, and the divorce never affected our friendship.  She without doubt will be my life long friend.

And I realized at the funeral today, as I gave hugs and was hugged by the great big gigantic extended family that I used to officially be a part of-  I realized that I am absolutely more at home in my life now than ever before.  And the family that has become our family-  through cancer, and miscarriages, and birth of our daughter-  is indeed a great big gigantic extended family.

It is not the life I thought I would live, but it is so much better than I could have ever imagined.