Sunday, February 28, 2010

If I could

A while back, I posted this post titled If I Could Pray...

I decided that the post needed to return. Maybe this should be a regular posting on my blog.

I can't seem to pray these days. And I know for certain I am not able to listen, even if I were to pray.

But if I were to pray....

I'd pray that I could come to peace with the topic of adoption. I'd pray damnit that the decision to or not too wasn't so frickin' painful.

I'd pray that I could be a better wife each and every day. But also that I continue to learn to ask for what I need.

I'd pray that it won't hurt too much when I hold my dear friend's baby for the first time who is due any day now.

I'd pray that I'd find more peace. Peace to get through the day. Peace in making plans and also in not making plans.

I'd pray that I'd find some direction, and not feel like I am wandering in the wilderness.

I'd pray that I am making the right choices and not simply avoiding the difficult ones.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Left behind from another "club"

We IFers talk often about the pain of being left behind. In real life, we feel as if the rest of our friends are moving past us, joining the "club" and we get left in the dust of wondering if it will ever be our turn. Even in blog world, we come into this place, creating a space in our blogs to open ourselves up to connecting with others who know what it feels like to be "left behind" among our IRL friends. But the irony in it is that even here in our IF blog community, for the most part we are all still seeking to be on the other side. And inevitably, some will get there and others won't.

I have been very aware lately of this sense of being left behind in my IRL community. But it hasn't been related to the club of parenthood. Rather, the club of couplehood. I am not sure what has triggered this for me, but if I were to guess, it would be because of a close friend of mine who got divorced last year. She is slowly trying to navigate singlehood again. My heart goes out to her. And it has stirred up in me all the old emotions that I used to feel before meeting DH. Wondering if I would ever marry? Wondering if I would ever be in the couplehood club? I see all this in her and I feel the rawness of that time...not all too different than what I feel now with IF.

As I try to walk alongside her, I am painfully aware that I now am the one in the club, that she is desperately wanting to be in. I am coupled. She is single. When I refer to DH and I as "we", when I post on FB how much I adore DH, when I say anything that talks about what I have, that she doesn't.....I can't help but see the feeling of being left behind written all over her spirit. In my IF journey, I so desperately want others to be careful to not flaunt, intentionally or unknowingly, that they are in "the club". And now I am even more aware,that there is more than one painful "club" in life.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


Two years ago, before this blog existed, before we ever new the pain of is what I wrote the first time we found out we were pregnant- February 2008.

Journals from The First Pregnancy
A little plastic stick, bought just out of curiosity. It measures a hormone in my body. A hormone that is only in my body for a specific reason. The second line, forming a plus sign was faint. Dr. google tells me that positive is positive- but I still am skeptical. I’d be at 3 1/2 weeks. At four weeks, the culprit of all this hubabaloo will be the size of a poppy seed. I tell my DH I hope it sticks. He tells me its not like its snow.

Its not even the size of a poppy seed. How is it that I already have so much love for this creation. I know its early, but we created this. And I love my DH and the little poppy seed all the more.

To the cells growing inside of me: we call you poppy seed. When we first learned of you, your mama read that you were barely the size of a poppy seed. The name stuck- I have been absolutely in love and absolutely terrified from the day I learned about you. A bundle of cells, a missed period, two pink lines on a plastic stick- and our lives have changed. I have changed. I have been terrified of losing you- and your poppa reminds me that this is just the beginning. As much as I want to grip and control and keep you safe and well- I can’t entirely do it. You are not mine- you are a creation of our Creator, entrusted to me. I have lost some, a lot of my innocence in these past years- I know darkness. I know we are not immune from its reaches. I can find myself terrified of its grasp. And yet, in this knowing, I have also known light. And that light is . . is.. life.
So, little PS, my prayer today, and every day that I have the gift of having you in my life, I want to allow the light in-
So tonight, PS, I thought I would reflect on all the ways you have already brought light to my life in just a few short weeks:
- watching your poppa overflowing with joy
- feeling poppa’s warm lips against my pudgy belly as he tells you are story, and asks how you are doing, and tells of his great love for you
- realizing my heart’s capacity to love- I love your poppa more than I thought possible- and now you, a little stranger.
- learning to trust that my body has been created to give light in this way- the creation of light, from a little poppy seed, to a change maker in the world, a beacon of light, a servant, a gift giver.
- learning to take life at a pace suitable for today
- loving that my body is nauseous, and sore, tried, and pudgy- all in order to sustain you-

Monday, February 15, 2010

A new day

Today was a new day. The nit picky squabbles with DH, turned into our usual playful selves. My lack of motivation subsided and I felt a bit more like myself. Biking did help. I did 18 miles yesterday in the freezing cold rain. and 39 miles today (much nicer weather day).

Families of all shapes and sizes were out today, and I found myself able to connect back to that part of me that really believes that that will happen for us. The part of me that believes it is SO worth it, that it will be okay to spend the money on IVF if we need to.

If I were a betting kind of gal, I'd bet AF comes tomorrow- thus the lift in my mood.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

It is Februrary

I have been pregnant twice. Both times it was in February.

February 2008.
and February 2009.

It is February again.

I am not pregnant. And I do not know when (if) I will be. Sometimes it feels like the mountain is too big to climb in the TTC journey. It seemed to happen so easily the first time. Even the second time. And now it just feels so daunting.

I am grateful that with the possibility of my job increasing to full-time that we will have a chance of being able to save to afford (the outrageous costs of) IVF. But I am also bitter. Bitter and angry that that is what it will take. It makes me sick to my stomach to think of paying that amount of money for something that is supposed to just happen for free. But what is the alternative? Adoption is also an expensive endeavor. And while I would like to pursue BOTH paths, if I had to choose, if they are both going to be expensive, I really want the experience of being pregnant.

But is makes me sick to think of spending that kind of money.

I find myself praying that we'll take the next 12 months and save as much money as we can. But that just at the last second, there will be two pink lines....

If only I could be in charge of how it would all go.

But I am not.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Pajama paralysis

I am anxious today.

The kind of anxiety where you can't quite pin point why.

It was the same thing yesterday.

It is taking all of my will power to get out of my p.j.s and out of the house.

I have my bike gear on. I have actually had it on for near an hour now. And I was "thinking" about putting it on for two hours prior to that.

Not sure why I feel so paralyzed by anxiety.

Maybe there is a lot on my mind? Maybe it is just PMS as AF is just a day or two away. I am hoping it is just PMS. Cuz, the level of anxiety doesn't match reality.

Hoping it doesn't take another hour to get out the door. I need some momentum today, and staying in my p.j.s will not help one bit.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Gameboard of life turned upside down

I know my list of goals in my last post was very type A of me. And I know, even though the choices I am making for my goals are good, healthy choices, I know that those goals and plans are, in part, my desire to pretend I have control. When what I REALLY want, I don't have control over obtaining. I know all of this.

And I know my "plan" can be turned upside down in a heart beat- leaving me with a new path to follow. Sometimes when I the gameboard is turned upside down, and the pieces land back on the game board-- sometimes, sometimes- I smile, knowing that the path ahead just got very interesting.... and in a way that I couldn't have every planned for.

That happened today.

Preface: We are taking a break from TTC. For my sanity and for me to focus on some other goals, and for us to try on our own until we really truly feel sure IVF is our only option, and until we have saved enough money for IVF (our insurance doesn't cover it).

This is where it gets interesting.

I work part-time at my paying job. And I have my own business (which doesn't make much). My own business is at a crossroads and I had some decisions to make. I also knew I needed to find someway of increasing our income if IVF would ever be an option. I thought it would be through my own business. But looks like that isn't the way it will go.

The president of the company I work for just told my boss, that he is upping my position to Full-time. My salary will double. It is a much longer story than that- I won't bore you with the details, the fact that our company is going to be laying off a lot of people in the next 4 weeks and I got spared, that this full-time gig might only be for 1-2 years with the option to returning to part-time (insert ideas about maternity leave and being able to not have to work full-time if baby comes).

I couldn't have planned this. this wasn't even on my radar. I had planned for my job to maybe be cut. I had planned for changes to my job, but not an increase to full time.

The longer version of this story is that I job share- and the reason I am going to be going full-time is that my job share person needs to take a leave of absence for 18 months or so to be home with her twin toddlers (ironically, also IVF twins). And in an ideal world, she would want to come back to job sharing. Which I LIKE that idea. In the mean time, her unexpected leave coupled with the grace of our president in sparing our job, give me 18 months of full time income- more than enough to save for IVF.

Holy smokes sherlock.

If feel like the combination of my goals from last post and this new full-time job and income, has given me some expectant peace. A knowing that maybe in deed, this IS going to happen. IVF or by some natural miracle, we will get pregnant, and it is okay with my soul whenever it happens. If we need IVF, the odds are in our favor. Meaning, if come 2011 we start IVF- chances are we will be pregnant or even have a baby in 2011.

And now, it looks like affording that option just got even easier...

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

I have a goal

After this last failed IUI, I found myself jumping in neck deep to new goals. Distraction? Denial? Coping? Healing? Not sure, probably all of the above. I just keep reminding myself, that regardless of the reason as to WHY? I have gotten gung-ho about these new projects, at least they are healthy choices. It has been almost 4 weeks since the last BFN, and I have had such renewed vigor and energy for these new goals, that I have honestly found myself NOT wanting to get pregnant right now. Distraction? Denial? Coping? Healing. Not sure.

After this last BFN, while the grief was real and very dark, there was also a relief knowing that I was at the end of the IUI chapter of this story. (3 IUIs was my max). And knowing we would be taking a long break before exploring IVF seriously, it gave me a chance to dream and plan for new goals. And I like goal setting and I like making plans.

Goal #1: Weightloss- I'll be honest. I have had to work at weight loss and weight maintenance my entire life. Just out of college and in my first full-time job, I was at my all-time highest weight. I joined WW, knowing it was a life-long program based on healthy lifestyle model. I lost about 22 pounds and maintained that weight for three and a half years. But then I started to struggle for the next 4 years. Gaining a little here and there, sometimes losing it again. DH and I got engaged and I don't think I ever fully learned on how to make healthy choices for myself now that I no longer had the same independence that I did as a single women. I also had been sick for over 5 years with some mysterious, never fully diagnosed hormone imbalance that made maintaining my healthy lifestyle challenging. And, I was content in life (aside for the mystery illness), I had everything I had ever wanted in a marriage, so I cared less about being at the "perfect" weight.

Fast forward to today- 10 years since reaching my weight watchers goal weight. Now, in addition to that gain, add on two pregnancies, two miscarriages, clomid, grief, and depression. And I am almost back to the highest weight that scared me into going to WW the first time. I have still been going to WW for most of the past 2 1/2 years, but with limited success. Detours such as miscarriages and clomid induced hysteria quickly undo any progress I do make from time to time.

I have set 10 goals that I have on my way to getting back to my healthy WW weight range. They are all small goals so I can feel like I am making progress toward my ultimate goal of losing, and keeping off, 23 pounds (ugg, I hate admitting that I have that much to lose). It will be the first time that I will reach and have stayed within my healthy weight range since around 2003.

Goal #2: I also have signed up for a bicycle training program (i am so excited!), gearing up for some big rides this summer. I started biking 2 years ago- just a short distance to work. And my love for biking was born. A new bike, several big rides accomplished last year, and I am excited for seeing how far I can push myself this summer.

Goal #3: I have a small business. It has been doing okay- my business partner and I have put little effort in to it and in return generated a little revenue. It has potential, but we have only been sort of committed. But I have finally had to admit to myself that my partner and I are going in different directions. This has been brewing for a while, but I finally had "the conversation" last week that I am walking away from the start my own business. I know it was the right decision- i needed to do it for me and for the business. That doesn't mean I am not frickin' freaked out about this decision. Add to this that my partner didn't receive the news very well, and my other part-time job, which is my only job I really have a consistent salary from, is in limbo (might be cut, I might be forced to go full-time, who knows). Which adds a whole new monkey wrench into my ability to plan long-term for my new start-up business.

So, Do I need to point out the obvious of these three goals? Is it glaringly obvious to everyone else that goals #1, #2, and #3 are not exactly conducive to being pregnant?

I know I need a break from TTC, and it is nice to have these to look forward to. But how long? We truly took a break this cycle- I avoided DH during "peak" season. And it has been a relief (I never thought I would say that). My period will come next week, and I don't have to wonder "what if?"

But what about next cycle, and the next?

Will we intentionally try NOT to get pregnant into spring? Through the summer? It is a hard decision to make when TTC is pretty much all we have known for the past 24 months straight. And its hard because I feel like the longer we wait the older DH will be (he is a lot older than I am ).

But reclaiming my sanity and focusing on these goals for mysake feels so damn good.

I know we are done with IUIs. I know we will not do IVF until at least the very end of 2010 or sometime in 2011. The plan was that once we tried on our own for so many more months and still weren't successful, we would move on to IVF. But I am also so relieved to be NOT trying. But by not trying, we are delaying our timeframe of when we would move on to IVF. So do we take a break for 1 more cycle? 6 more cycles? Somewhere in between?

I am stuck between these goals I have made that make me feel so good and the goal of being a mother that is what I ultimately want, but have no control over.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

And so it goes...

Been nearly three weeks since I last blogged

Time has flown.

The darkness was so thick when I last posted. I was a big surprised by it. I thought that I was prepared for BFN on IUI #3 as I was starting to doubt they would work. I thought I was prepared for whatever the outcome. But man, that was hard.

Today. I don't want to sound cliche, but I am in a whole new place. (Oh, kay, that sounds cheesy, but it is not meant to be). I also am finding renewed energies to focus on non-fertility related parts of my life. Meaning, the things that used to captivate my attention, are interesting and exciting again. For that I am grateful. Maybe it is truly healing, maybe I am just coping with grief by burying myself in project to distract me, but either way, the momentum is great.

Significant items

Had a hysterscopy done to follow up from my splotchy, inconclusive HSG. Everything looked perfect. (It was pretty cool to see- weird though to realize there is a camera up my woo-ha, and I am watching my insides on a tv monitor before my very eyes.) And I am pretty sure my insurance will cover the cost.

Decided we are done with IUIs and now going to just see what happens on our own. No more doctors for a while. Ah, this is such a releif right now. I can honestly say I actually have NO IDEA what day of my cycle I am on right now. We plan to Save as much money as we can planning for the future. If, after some time (not sure how long, but hoping I'll know when I know) we aren't pregnant, then we will do IVF using hate Shared Risk plan with the big city clinic. DH and I met with the RE a the big city clinic and something must have clicked for DH, because he came out of the appointment, feeling so good about this plan (wait and see, and then IVF). Previously, he was really opposed to IVF- but I think the success rates finally sunk in (60%), compared to what we have been trying (6%)- IUIs with low sperm counts. Big city doc still believes we are just, as he calls it "inefficient reproducers." I got a kick out of that label. I like it actually. It leaves room for hope, while acknowledging that it won't be easy. He doesn't believe there is any rhyme or reason to my miscarriages, and agrees there is no reason (yet) to rush into IVF.

Jobs- Things with my jobs are changing and evolving a mile a minute. I thought I had it all mapped out, but some new possibilities have come my way. this could get very interesting very soon. And one of the scenarios would mean that we would easily be able to save money quickly to afford IVF. It is outside of my control, but the irony of how it came about baffles me. There is a plan, so much bigger than anything I can imagine....