Saturday, April 30, 2011

From DH's perspective- Out of the Woods

At 13weeks4days, here is a writing excerpt from DH

Out of the Woods- 4/30/11
We’re officially out of the woods now
as far as science tells us—
past the first trimester.
and I have seen your little fingers and toes
and one leg kicking wildly
as you tossed and turned
a somersault
in you mother’s belly

but I have been talking to you
through the thin wall of skin, muscle, blood and fluid
that separates us
my voice must sound to you
like the wax-coated string
and tin can telephone conversations
I had with my friends as a kid
But you are my baby
As sure as I am your poppa

I love and adore you
without so much as the knowledge
of your being a boy or a girl,
and without you even having a name.

my heart sings and dances
a Spanish love song
with each little wiggle and leg kick
that you make
each tiny, thumb sucking, body-stretching moment
that I know that you exist.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

13 weeks (Hard. to. fathom. this.!)

How Far Along? 13 weeks (Hard. to. fathom. this.!)

Maternity Clothes? Pretty much have only one pair of non-maternity jeans that fit.  Everything else is now elastic waists.  My maternity pants feel very frumpy on me, so that isn't cool right now.  But I am trying to slowly find the right wardrobe pieces. I shopped over the weekend and found a few things I feel good in.   My non-maternity tops are quickly getting too short as well but maternity tops are still too big.

Weight Gain? Just a few days ago I was at +11 pounds.  But as of today, I'm up only 7.5.  Not sure why I've lost, probably just water.

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep?  Starting to get a bit better (knock on wood).

Best Moment of the Week? There were many-  number one was hearing the heartbeat with the dopplar at yesterday's midwife appointment.  Also we went out to dinner last week at a nice restaurant with good friends of ours to celebrate the end of the first trimester.  It was a perfect celebration.  

Movement? No

Food Cravings? Not much this week in the way of cravings.  Still quite picky about food preferences.  Sinus yuckiness has my taste buds messed up a bit, I can say that much.

Gender? DH says boy.  I have no idea.  While we listened to the doppler my instinct said girl.  But I still don't have a strong gut feeling.

What I miss?  Feeling good.  And I miss a body that feels strong.  Psychically I feel so achy, weak, and out of shape. 

Symptoms: Nausea has been better lately.  I think the only nausea I have is caused by my sinus drainage.  Sinuses still suck.  The girls seem to have doubled in size this week alone. Amazing how it happened overnight.    I have had a lot of cramping and aches and pain in my lower back, uterus area, and whole abdomen area earlier this week- low and high.  I imagine everything is just stretching and growing (?!).  It had me a bit on edge this week though worried something was wrong. But it has been a relief that it didn't last too long.

What I'm looking forward to?  My thick midsection starting to look more round and pregnant.  Relief from my sinus yuck.  Spring weather.

Weekly Wisdom:  I feel like I underestimated how much our friends would also love this kid who isn't even born yet.  It has been so amazing to see the love poured out from our friends and how giddy they are, even those friends that I didn't think were kid/baby people.

Milestones: End of first trimester.  Longest span of time without an u/s . Hearing the doppler.

Emotions:  I could and will write a whole post on the emotions I felt this week-  fear and panic having gone public with our news, followed by a bout of pretty real depression, then guilt that I would feel anything less than joy, mixed with  elation having heard the heart beat, all wrapped up in mixed feelings about multiple encounters of feeling now part of the "club" I've longed to be in.  But still feel like such an imposter once on the inside.  Like I said-  there is a lot to write about this week.  I'll save it for another post.

Monday, April 25, 2011

The sound of 13 weeks

I had my midwife appointment today.................and we heard the heartbeat with the dopplar. We. heard. it. 

Tears rolled down my cheeks and continue to flow even as I type this.  I was so worried we wouldn't be able to hear it and it would leave me in limbo without the assurance that all is okay.

The relief and joy that that sound brought to my spirit was the most wonderful salve for my wounded heart.

I heard my child's heartbeat inside of me.

Tomorrow I will be officially 13 weeks.

Lord God, I am in absolute awe and completely humbled that we are in this place.  Never let me forget the dark and broken journey that led us to this place.  Never. I don't ever want to take this for granted.  I pray with all my being that I may live a life that is worthy of raising this lil' being in this world.  
There is so much in this universe that I don't understand-  the darkness and the light both, they baffle me.  I will never understand how it is possible to know such deep deep despair and such utter overwhelming joy all in one lifetime.  I struggle to believe, I struggle to continue to have faith.  But I know that you are redeeming all of this, in ways that are beyond human comprehension.   I know.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

12 weeks

How Far Along? 12 weeks

Maternity Clothes? Some pants, although they are still big.  And a few of my non-maternity are still "ok" but clock is tickin'.  My favorite part of the day is my over sized flannel pj bottoms when i get home from work.

Weight Gain? Don't know this week.

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Still waking up and peeing around 3-5am.  Which wouldn't be too bad, but I am finding it impossible to fall back asleep again.  It's getting a bit old.

Best Moment of the Week? Telling a group of my girl friends via email and also sharing the news with my co-workers.

Movement? No

Food Cravings? juice.  I've gone three times this week. :)

Gender? We don't plan to find out the gender prior to the kid's arrival

What I miss? Sleep and Sinuses that don't hurt, it was a bit rough this week in that regard.

Symptoms: Still have food aversions and picky taste buds.  Still waves of nausea.  When it comes, it hits hard, but have days when I feel somewhat normal, so that is nice.  My sinuses are a mess.  Still really tired, but I think it might be due to my sinuses as much as anything else. My lower back has started to be pretty sore. Occasionally I'll get some heartburn. That's the laundry list in a nutshell.

What I'm looking forward to?  Hopefully my sinuses will clear up soon. (Fingers crossed).  And I am also looking forward to my next midwife appointment on Monday.  Can't believe it has been nearly 4 weeks already since my last appt.

Weekly Wisdom: Letting others share in our joy will not jinx this pregnancy.

Milestones: I know there are different opinions about when the end of the first trimester.  Some say 12, some say 13, some say 14 (which I don't like that answer at all).  So I am going to celebrate the end of the first trimester twice- once today and again next week. Another milestone is that we registered for our birth class.  It doesn't start until end of August, but the classes fill up quick. 

Emotions:  Definitely felt more relaxed and more at peace than any other week in this pregnancy.  The fear and panic creeps in still, but I'm starting to feel myself believing this one will stick around.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

A new day and a new goal

I work up feeling better today.  Physically and emotionally.  I am SO grateful to be feeling better.

And with feeling better came some clarity around my feelings about my job.  I've came to a final decision and made up my mind that I am not going to go back to my current job full-time after the kid comes.  I spent some time playing with Excel spread sheets today and yesterday, (which is wonderfully therapeutic for me).  And I looked at the calendar, and I weighed options.  And I have complete certainity that I do not want to go back to my current job full-time.  It isn't good for me or us.  And I know we can do without my full-time salary at least for the short-term.

So the ball will be in my boss's court when I tell her (sometime this summer probably is when I'll tell her).  And IF she proposes part-time work as an alternative, then I will have to make that decision.  That is a tougher decision, but I am leaning towards turning that down as well, but we will see. My hope is this:  I have my heart set on having the summer off with DH the first summer we have the kid.  (His teaching schedule allows him 3 months off in the summer).  And I just really love the idea of slowing down and neither one of us working for just one summer. The kid will be around 8-10 months old.  And I want to visit the grandparents for an extended amount of time.  Spend time with the cousins.  Go on picnics (Okay, we've never gone on a picnic before, but you know what I mean).  I'll have to work again eventually, and maybe it is pie in the sky to even hope for this.  But we will see. 

I just has been such a whirlwind in life...lately, and for a really long time. From the time we have gotten married there just has been so many chaos inducing times in our life, again and again.  I know that having this kid will turn our life upside down again (in a good way, but also chaos inducing in its own way).  And I just want to slow down as much of the chaos as I can. 

This is what I am aiming for.  One summer of being free from our jobs and together.  Dh, me, and the kid.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Sack of Poo

I was supposed to be at work over an hour ago.  I called in sick.  Again. Not sure if I am going to go in later or not.  Yesterday I took the day off as well. Grrr.  I have sinus pressure and just feel like a truck ran over me.  Add on waves of nausea to the post-nasal drip and I feel dandy. (Note sarcasm).

But I feel like SUCH A SLACKER at work.

I have been mindlessly internet surfing and I decided to peek in on a "November 2011 Birth Club" forum that I look at from time to time.  One of the most active threads was from other folks about as far along as me about how much they dislike their jobs right now, even those who typically like there jobs, and over and over posts about how the first trimester is kicking their butt at work.  It was the best thing I could have read today.  Because I am feeling like I am not keeping up at work, at home, nada.  And, I just don't find much satisfaction in my job.  Not one iota right now. 

I know my "poor me" rant is in part fueled by the fact that DH has been out of town all week and won't be back until Sunday.  And I am realizing how much of a help he had been around the house, and in preparing food for me.  The house is an absolute pig sty since he left.  Think on the scale of being condemned by the health department!  That bad.  And all I have been eating is convenience food.  Anything that doesn't take much preparation and doesn't have a strong odor.

One women said it best in the forum thread when she said she was feeling like a "worthless sack of poo" at work right now. Ha! I couldn't have said it any better.

This job has always been a temporary job.  It is not the end-all-be-all job for me.  It was only supposed to last 6 months and it has been 3 1/2 years.   It has given me everything I had hoped for-  professional contacts, amazing references, expanding my resume further into the field I want to be in.  But it isn't the best fit for me.  It never has been. I only halfheartedly believe in the mission of my department.  And lately the direction they are heading has me raising my eyebrows even more so.

This job was also supposed to be a 6 month filler job until we had our baby.  I got pregnant for the first time shortly after I got this temp job.  As the job has continued on and on, so has our IF journey.  Fastforward three years, and here I am again-  pregnant, and it looks likely it is going to lead to a real live kid.  And this, THIS KID, is what I want.  Add in the 1st trimester hormones, exhaustion, and nausea, and I just don't care about my job right now.  And this is SO unlike me.  When I do something, I give it 110%.  No iffs, ands, or buts.

So I am feeling some guilt for a) being so inefficient at work right and b) not caring that that is the case and (almost) not caring that I called in sick yet again.

I think it might be easier if I could make up my mind about whether or not I am going to quit this job once the kid arrives or offer to stay on part-time.  I really want to quit.  Really really bad.  And we can afford for me to stay home for a while afterwards  6-10 months for sure.  But then I need to have some sort of income, ideally part time.  And in this economy it is just hard to walk away from a job.   I feel torn between wanting to do what I really want to do and my practical side that wants to play it safe finance wise.

but I know that being in the midst of the craziness of this first trimester isn't the best time to be weighing all of these decisions.  I have plenty of time, and like everything else-  this too will pass. I won't always feel like a poo.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011


Remember earlier today when I posted that I was worrying about a co-worker noticing my midsection and outing me?  Yep-  it happened.  So far it is just one co-worker, but I imagine if she is noticing, others are.

It wasn't necessarily my midsection she noticed though, or at least she didn't admit to noticing that.

The co-worker who asked me, is someone I consider a friend. We don't socialize outside of work, but I have the utmost respect for her and I adore her.  I had been contemplating telling her before the others, but my fear and paranoia kept me from spilling the beans.

She came right out and asked me as we were walking alone in between meetings-  with the disclaimer that it was none of her business. :)  She knows some of my history, enough to know that it hasn't been easy and that we really really want this.  She was so excited for us.   I am still a bit surprised that she came out and asked.   It's kinda funny-  the things that tipped her off, are things that I wasn't even worried about others noticing.  She said last week we walked up the stairs together and I was breathing heavy (I don't even remember that, but I know breathing feels much more pronounced.  She said my face has been flushed frequently, and she noticed today when I reached for something that I had a stretchy maternity waistband on today (Outed on my first day wearing my new stretchy waist pants! Doh!).  So, she asked-  and it was fun to celebrate.

But...  there is a mix of emotions.  Part of me feels like I want to, need to, crawl under a rock and hide, far, far away.  Maybe it is the fear that by saying it out loud I will jinx things.  Maybe it is just that I have kept SO much of all of this to myself, the miscarriages, the infertility, the IVF, and now this kid in me- it has all been my personal secret, my darkness to carry-  it just seems like a huge abyss that I am leaping into by sharing even part of the news.  But I think there is also a good portion of my emotions that is connected to body image, and being self conscious about the extra padding, upon extra padding.  Some of the padding is baby, some of it is IVF, some of it is just pudge that has accumulated during this three year difficult stretch of IF.  I like a certain degree of invisibility when it comes to my body, I always have and especially right now.  And I feel like I have a spotlight on me as everyone is either noticing, or about to notice, that I am growing and growing.  Having watched my weight all my adult life, and never being in the "thin" category, having my body be on display as it evolves has me a bit self-conscious, okay, not a bit, but a lot self conscious.  Especially right now given I am just look thick and pudgy, and not pregnant. 

Oh my, I anticipate a flood gate of emotions this week.....

Sorry for venting, I am grateful, beyond grateful, and I really not wanting to sweat this small stuff.  Hopefully by saying it out loud here in this space I can let some of this go.

11 weeks- Update

How Far Along? 11weeks

Maternity Clothes? In regular clothes I am down to 1 pair of dress pants, 1 pair of jeans and then some loungewear that still fits.  I have been ordering a bunch of maternity bottoms, trying to find what fits and I now have a few maternity pair that will last me for a while.  I also got two maternity tops on clearance at O.ld Na.vy for $4 each.  Don't need them yet, but nice bargain.

Weight Gain? I have been avoiding the scale.  I'll report next week. Updated:  I braved the scale.  7 pounds.  this is hard for me, I need to work on accepting that my body knows what it is doing.

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Waking up and peeing still once a night around 4-5am; starting to not like sleeping on my stomach.Some crazy dreams now and then.

Best Moment of the Week? the U/S at 10wk3 days and seeing the kiddo kicking and moving.  And almost as wonderful has  been watching the video of the u/s over and over again.

Movement? No

Food Cravings? I've been wanting green salads again, which is really nice (but only if someone else makes them for me).  Still plenty of aversions, but overall it is all more manageable most of the time.

Gender? We don't plan to find out the gender prior to the kid's arrival

What I miss? Not much this week, it has been a pretty good week.  If I had to choose something I'd say I miss being able to take heavy duty sinus meds.  My sinuses have been brutal this week.

Symptoms: The usual waves of nausea, tiredness.  Oh, and after stressing about whether or not the girls had gotten bigger?  I tried on a few of my bras (I had resorted to only wearing my sports bras for comfort and realized I hadn't even worn my regular bras in weeks), well turns out NONE of the old ones fit.  I'd say I have grown.  There have also been some strange symptoms too during this trimester-  I get this really weird scalp pain at the top/crown of my head.  It is as if my hair follicles hurt (sort of like a too tight ponytail feeling).  I googled it and found some other pregnant folks talking about it on some forums.  So at least I am not crazy.  So strange.  It comes and it goes, and is not at all related to the days I do/don't wear ponytails.

What I'm looking forward to? I'm looking forward to when I look definitively pregnant, even to strangers.  I am a little tired of feeling self conscious about my growing, thick mid-section.  Especially when I am not quite ready to share the news.  I worry a co-worker is going to publicly ask me and I won't know how to respond.

Weekly Wisdom: Don't wanna fear no more,  I want to love every moment of this pregnancy.

Milestones: No more vaginal prometrium as of last week (10 weeks).  My RE said I could just stop cold turkey.  The idea of that stressed me out and I had planned to wean off of it until 11 weeks.  But once I got to 10weeks I was so sick of those things that I just stopped cold turkey.  Oh, it is nice to be done. 

Emotions: Today?  Still feeling calm from having had the good u/s.  Starting to feel a bit relaxed.  Starting to imagine the excitement of sharing the news with others.  Still a bit prone to crankiness-  my job irks me more often then not, I have to take a deep breath with DH more than usual to not snap at him,  but, all it all it isn't too bad.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Wand Envy [Flashback]

I wrote this post on 2/6/11 while we were in the midst of our stimming. As it turns out, this post was just two days before we ended up doing our egg retrieval. I am not sure why I never posted this- I think it was just one of those posts that I ended up not having time to post or it just got lost in the shuffle. But since yesterday marked our big graduation from vaginal to abdominal u/s scans, I thought it was only fitting for me to post it. (Amazing that this was written 2 1/2 months ago- time has gone so fast and so slow all at the same time)


With our history of miscarriages, the u/s room has its demons. Ultrasounds have only brought devastating news. We have never seen a live moving little fetus, or a beating heart. We have never received good news in those rooms as it pertains to pregnancy. For the longest time, I would have anxiety attacks just thinking of walking in that room- even for benign u/s - the type of ultrasounds in which there won't likely be good or bad news- just boring news. But thanks to (lots of) time on the therapist's couch and some time and distance from our losses, the ultrasound room isn't quite as traumatic. Which is a good thing because I have been having a lot of them lately! But hubby mentioned to me today that it is still hard for him to go in the u/s room. And it got me thinking back to some of our dark times, and all the losses that we have endured in u/s rooms.

Today as we waited for the u/s tech to come in and count my follicles, I looked at the blank u/s monitor, the computer stand and wands and all the techy stuff, and I willed myself to envision a live baby with a beating heart flickering on that screen. Our baby. And I willed myself to imagine a happy ending to all this madness. It seems so unfathomable to me that WE, DH & I, could actually some day get good news in that room. Right now I am focused on the day to day of injections, counting follicles, and gearing up for 2 ww. But imagining anything beyond that is hard. Let alone imagining GOOD news.

And I realized, as our story flashed through my memory banks the few minutes sitting waiting on the u/s table. Not only have we only ever gotten bad news in the u/s room. I also have only ever had a vaginal u/s. Our pregnancies never made it far enough to graduate to the NEXT wand.... I have never had a belly ultrasound. And frankly, I HAVE WAND ENVY.

I glanced over at the ultrasound machine, with the dildo wand, already donning its protective rubber gear in anticipation of the tech's arrival. And right next to it, sitting there staring at me, taunting me, was the belly wand. Oh, how I long to graduate to that wand. I want it with all my might. That someday, someday I pray, that THAT wand will be needed. And my pants can stay on, and it doesn't matter whether I remembers to shave "down there".... And that I can say screw you to the dildo wand and everything it has symbolized in this dark and ugly journey.

Friday, April 8, 2011

10weeks 3 days of worry

I wonder if I can live without fear. without worry. without panic and anxiety. I wonder if I can. I wonder if I even want to. Or has fear become my security blanket.

I sat on the ultrasound table, waiting (and waiting) for the u/s tech today. And I was absolutely frozen in fear. Even DH couldn't nudge me out of my state of paralysis. It struck me that instead of getting easier, these ultrasounds have me more and more of a wreck. And the thing it came down to? I realized that I never again want to get the rug pulled out from under my naive hopefulness. I felt so burned the first pregnancy when we joyfully and naively went in for our first scan, only to see an empty nothingness of a sac. And I felt so stupid. I know that is a strange word. It even sounds out of place to me- I just felt like I had had the cruel joke played on me and the universe was taunting me with that black empty screen. Taunting me saying "Ha, how dare you hope and believe in something this wonderful, this beautiful." My breath was taken away that day. And now I (almost) consciously feel like I prepare myself for the worst, I even expect the worst, so that never again will the rug be pulled out that fast and hard again.

But preparing for the worst isn't working for me anymore. It is taking up too much of my time and energy. And it is robbing me of the joy of this pregnancy, quite possibly the only time I may ever have this experience. I would rather to dive in head first and love this kid with all I have. Instead of imaging the worst, I want to dream of onesies, and family bike rides, and the first time Grandpa holds him/her. I want to live without this fear.

I saw my child today- who is all of 5cm head to toe- kick, and wiggle, and turn from side to side on the grainy black and white screen. I saw my child's heart beating, still beating strong, at 180bpm. I saw its toes and fingers. I saw the blood running through the umbilical cord. I saw a magnified version of the 1/2cm long foot. And it was all the most miraculous thing I have ever seen in my entire life. Ever.

I don't want to live in fear anymore. I really don't. I don't know how to shed it as it has been a constant companion, but the cost of continuing to carry it is far too great.

I have a kid growing inside of me!

P.S. And I have officially graduated to the abdominal scan. No trousers were dropped in the scanning of this kid today. Picture choirs of angels coming down from the heavens singing a Hallelujah chorus, that is how thrilled I was.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Dates and anniversaries.

Friday is my next u/s. I have been cranky all week, I think it is nerves. I will be 10wk3days on Friday.

And I just looked at an old blog post and realized.......Friday is also the anniversary of my first D&C in 2008. I was 10wk4days. Ugg.

Now I am understanding this underlying crabbiness this week....

So far, history has been rewriting a new chapter, a much better chapter. Praying that Friday will be another celebration of this new chapter.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

10 Week- Update

How Far Along? 10weeks

Maternity Clothes? Two words- Band. My world is a better place. It is actually the Tar.get brand, not sure what their brand is called. But it is making my waistline so much more comfortable. In non-maternity bottoms, I have 2 work pants, 2 jeans, and then some lounge pants that still fit, so I am doing so-so on clothes, but the band will help me get a bit more time out of what I have left for pants. I also ordered a ton of maternity bottoms on line (still hard for me to admit that- the whole jinxing fear). I don't plan to keep all of them, but need options to try on as it is hard to find the right size for me. I ordered a variety of brands, sizes, and styles. Now, just waiting on trusty USPS to deliver them to my door.

Weight Gain? 5 lb. Several of you have had some great comments to help me put this in perspective. I am doing okay with it and pleased with that number so far. I am starting to trust that once I feel better I'll be able to regain some of my healthier eating habits. As my midwife said- "Hon, the first trimester is just about surviving. You're doing well."

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? My nightly 4am wake up, is now more like 530am now, and then I can't get back to sleep. All in all, no major complaints though.

Best Moment of the Week? Reading to DH from a website that details what is happening with the growth and development of the kid at this stage. He was in awe. It was one of those perfect moments.

Movement? No

Food Cravings? Aversions are still very strong. And I am eating foods that are not my norm. Still have limited tolerance for talking about food or being in a grocery store. But it is all quite a bit less intense and more manageable than before.

Gender? We don't plan to find out the gender prior to the kid's arrival

What I miss? Having energy. Eating green vegetables.

Symptoms: Nausea comes and goes. Sense of smell is strong. Heartburn now and then. The girls don't really hurt at all and don't feel heavy and full anymore (insert freak-out moment). Waistline is getting thick. I have days when I feel great, but then I'll have moments or days in which the nausea comes in waves. Even though it is bad at times now, it is SO much more manageable than before- it really puts into perspective how miserable I really felt those first several weeks. Really rough stuff.

What I'm looking forward to? U/S on Friday (at 10wk3days). Also looking forward to starting to tell people our news (not for a couple more weeks, but it feels like it is getting closer fast).

Weekly Wisdom: 10 weeks goes by SO quickly and SO amazingly slow, all at the same time.

Milestones: Double frickin' digits. I am at 10 weeks pregnant. The big 1-0. Amazing. Also buying a band and shopping in the maternity clothes section was a milestone.

Emotions: Had a few days that I felt like I was having a near anxiety attack, mostly triggered by noticing my bo.obs didn't hurt anymore, etc. I had flashbacks to our ultrasounds in which all we saw was an empty sac. But then I had a few days where the end of the day came and I realized I hadn't felt fear or anxiety at all during the day. I still don't feel as much joy as I hoped I would, but being patient with myself knowing that will come as the fear subsides.

Monday, April 4, 2011

The end of single digits, and telling my Boss

Today is 9 weeks 6 days. Tomorrow I will reach double digits- 10 weeks pregnant.

It seems like I have been walking in a fog for a really long time now. A fog of joy, fear, bloatiness, nausea, exhaustion, hope. I feel like I am slowly coming out of the fog. The nausea is so much better than it was. I still get nauseous, it comes out of no where and knocks me off my feet. But it is far easier to deal with than the 24/7 constant state I was in. I also am less exhausted- last night i looked at the clock at it was 9:49pm and I was still happily working on a project and lost track of time. I have not been awake in the 9pm hour for weeks and weeks. So, this is progress. I was not expecting to have relief from it so early in the trimester. And the fact that I am feeling better is still my greatest source of fear. The constant nausea was horrible, but it brought some reassurance. My next u/s is on Friday (10wk3day). I am so glad I have another one for some piece of mind.
I read up quite often on the week by week development of this kid, and look at other people's u/s pics, etc online. DH is more of a go with the flow and doesn't spend as much time reading up on it. Yesterday, while DH and were having a lazy morning in bed, I read for him what all is developing at week 10. He was absolutely awestruck. It was really sweet and one of the highlights of my week. He is already so in love with this kid and I visibly saw him melting in front of me as he fell in love even deeper. I showed him some u/s pics of 10 weeks, and we were both just in shock how quickly the fetus grows at this stage. Granted, I thought our 8week u/s was the cutest thing ever, but in just two more weeks, it is actually looking even more and more like a b-a-b-y. (according to google images).
I told my boss my news. It was a bit spur of the moment and much earlier than I had planned to, but I knew she was going to be meeting with the Vice President of Human Resources about some big picture staffing things in our office. And, well, given some info I had been given, I felt like it might be to my advantage to get my news to her before she met with HR. It was a gamble, because again there was not predicting how she would react- but I decided to do it.

Sharing the news with her went really well (I wasn't expecting the news to be well received. She can be really hard to predict). And I think that in the end, given her reaction - I think that as best as I can tell, it was the best decision to tell her before she went to HR. I think it might result in a few more doors being left open for flexible job possibilities for the future.

She seemed to truly be thrilled for us. She even hugged me and teared up. After the news settled in a bit she did then take a deep breath and ask me about future plans. I didn't know quite what to say because we haven't decided what I plan to do. I am seriously considering quitting this job. But I feel like it could be career suicide to say that this early. I did hint at it though and let her know that this is all new and DH and I are trying to wrap our heads around it. And told her that we are seriously considering all options from me staying at home to coming back full-time to coming back part-time. So I put it out there, but left it vague enough so that I feel like it is still my decision in the end. The only part that was a bit surprising is she said she'd like to know by June/early July what I intend to do. That just seems awfully soon, but we'll see. I know I need to give her some time to process it all as well.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Pregnancy weight gain: From the Husband's point of view

I will admit, that I struggle with wanting to weight myself weekly to help ensure I don't gain too much and on the other hand wanting to stay as far away from the scale as possible because the weight gain seems so outside of my ability to control it. And I am only still in the first trimester! My pants were already starting to feel snug and the bra was feeling full literally from about 5 weeks on- undoubtedly from a combination of IVF bloat, comfort eating, and well maybe actual pregnancy- I told DH about this blog post I had read that really hit home for me as I try to embrace what is already happening with my body and what most certainly (and hopefully) lies ahead. This got DH to writing and his writing is one of the many things I love about this man. I loved what he wrote so much I politely asked begged pleaded for him to let me share this on my blog. And he agreed- so, some reflections from DH's perspective (and evidence why I love him all the more):

"There are numbers to describe us on a driver’s license, a passport, a voter’s registration card, our blood pressure, people who have died at the hands of a suicide bomber or a military skirmish.

And there are numbers for the level of HCG hormone in an expectant mother’s bloodstream, numbers for a planet impacted by global warming, a drunk driver’s level of intoxication, a student’s grade point average or for the mass that comprises a person’s bodily weight.

How is it that while these numbers literally and figuratively have meaning, they also bear little or no resemblance to the complexities of life that they attempt to summarize? They cannot define or explain us no matter how hard one tries.

I’m thinking of how a mechanical scale is used to measure one’s physical mass. And, as an athlete I have one measure of my weight, while American society, preoccupied with the “thin culture,” has another.

My wife is pregnant. She has already gained weight and there will undoubtedly be a time when someone will comment “My, your boobs have gotten gigantic!” or “Wow, I’ll bet she’s having twins!” It is so strange in the “thin culture” that we do not look at the natural bodily cushioning that describes the gestation process as just that, “natural.” But while others may refrain politely from comment in public, aside from the pregnant mom there will inevitably be the snickers or the jibes like “She has really put on weight, hasn’t she?! I hope she can lose it after she gives birth….” And, she has to bear not only the back pain, the weird food cravings, morning sickness and inexplicable hormone fluctuations but her own sidelong glance in the mirror as her body puffs and bloats and grows with each day that is our baby, arriving.

I am obviously a man and a spectator to much that my wife will endure on this journey, aside from the hormone injections I put into her belly prior to witnessing the actual moment of conception facilitated by our embryologist. But I do know one thing. This time is precious. My pregnant, tall and “blossoming” wife is precious. And there will likely be no time when I can ever imagine her more beautiful than now, as her body grows with our child."