Thursday, November 25, 2010

The things that most deserve our gratitude

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures. ~Thornton Wilder

We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude. ~Cynthia Ozick

(Forgive my rant from yesterday, my heart is still raw with the news, but for now, it is a day for gratitude.)

My husband- I can't begin to express my gratitude for this man, my best friend, life partner and the most amazing manifestation of "family" I have ever known. There are not words to express how grateful I am to share each day with you.

Our home- Every wall, door, electrical outlet in our little condo has been our handy work, and our vision for a simple, modest home that we can share with others. I'm grateful we chose to live small and simple and cherish all the ways in which we have shared it with others.

Steady income- I give thanks that for right now, we have good jobs, steady income, and a plan to pay off our school loans very soon.

Friends that are like family- My family is small and always has been small. I have only a few cousins and we never really were close with them. My mom was an only child and my dad's siblings didn't have many kids. My husband's family is also small, fragmented, and dysfunctional. We've always viewed our close friends as part of the extended family we never had- and I am continually in awe of how loved we are from these friends.

The love I glimpsed- It is hard to talk about "gratitude" when it comes to our miscarriages. Most of the last almost 3 years has been healing and grieving those losses and living in fear that we'll never have a living child. But I would be amiss if I didn't speak my gratitude for those tiny windows of time in which the two lines appeared and I was carrying life in me. I never knew it was possible to love in that way, I never knew I could feel such immense joy in the blink of an eye. For two tiny windows of time, my love overflowed for the life created within and all I hope he or she would be. And for those slivers of time, I am grateful.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

So messed up

10 weeks.

my younger sister is 10 weeks pregnant.

she finally had the guts to tell me today.

Happy f&%@$in thanksgiving to me.

it is her second baby. Had our first pregnancy not ended in miscarriage, her first daughter, now 2 years old, and our child would have been the same age.

she is not married. no education. no job. nothing.

she has been separated from her boyfriend, and the father to both babies, for more than a year.

the layers of why this is so messed up go on and on....

Talk about a slap in the face to how much time, energy and emotional energy we've put into trying to have a family.

Lord, God, there is so much i don't understand. So much....

My heart is breaking in two tonight.

Friday, November 12, 2010

the makings of a plan

I have a plan. Rather I am making a plan.

Something connected for me and I have found a renewed energy and interest in making sure that no stone is unturned.

We have been TTC for 18 months since our last miscarriage. And to be honest.. I thought we would be moving on to IVF by now. But I am just not ready. I need to feel like IVF is our only option before committing that much money towards it. Part of it has been the emotional healing I needed to do, and now that has taken place in a significant way, I am realizing that I just don't feel like we have enough information to go on. I want, I NEED, to feel like we have exhausted all our options short of IVF.

And I have had lingering suspicions that a few stones have not bee thoroughly turned over yet. Namely: Endometriosis and PCOS/Insulin Resistance. But also, I just need to explore all corners of possibilities.

So I have a plan. In the next 4 weeks I have appointments made with my gynecologist, my RE, and a new naturpath (I stopped going to my old one because he was 45 minutes away and not convenient. I needed someone more accessible). I don't fully trust that any one of them will be as aggressive as I want them to be in exploring these concerns- but hopefully, going to all three of them I'll get some movement.

The pain I experienced this last cycle was a wake up call. And it made me realize I have probably been overlooking quite a bit of pain over the past year (years?) related to AF and just pelvic region- unexplainable pain. So, while I am a little worried what it might mean, I feel like I will now have a better chance of being heard by my doc when I explain what happened this past cycle. That level of pain can't be normal. My mom had severe endometriosis. I have no doubt now that it msut be explored more thoroughly in my case.

I also am convinced that I am insulin resistant. I struggle writing that because I feel like I have been asking around the edges of this issue with doctors for a long time, and don't feel like I have been taken seriously. Which makes me feel like I must just be making this up. But losing weight has been a nearly insurmountable task. Diabetes is in my family. I have long complained to doctors about feeling like my body doesn't regulate sugars well. All this is a roundabout way to saying possibly PCOS? Or maybe something else? Maybe something that naturphatic medicine might be more in tune to? I don't have the classic symptoms for PCOS, but I believe that not everything fits neatly in a diagnosis box. Regardless, I need to feel like it has been thoroughly explored.

A plan is in place. Here is hoping that I come out on the other side of this next 4 weeks with some more information.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Another chapter. ?.

It feels like I am moving into a new chapter of this story. I am not sure what that means- and I am not sure if I am entering with hope or despair or indifference- or a mix of those. But it seems like there is enough shifting around in me and in life that warrants calling this the next chapter.

I have just one more session with my counselor, been working with her since Spring on letting go of the trauma of the miscarriages and the last (almost) three years of TTC. I was skeptical- I was skeptical that telling the stories over and over and over would be good for me, cause it was brutal at times. But now looking back I feel a free-ness in my spirit, a new way of carrying my story, that I am certain is contributing to this feeling of a new chapter unfolding.

I like my job, peoples. I should take an inventory of my blog to see how many rants (or raves) I have had about my job. It seems like I only rant about it. But, around the time that we had given up on IUIs and taken a break from aggressive TTC, I unexpectantly and probably reluctantly - went from part-time to full time at my job. I put my aspirations for my start-up business on hold. At the time, I grieved that decision as I was focused more on what I was sacrificing by taking that job. But 8 months later I feel like I have grown more professionally and personally in this job than anytime in the last three years. And I have reminded myself that I am (damn) good at what I do. And others think so to. So I found myself more and more focused and absorbed in my work and making plans for my future career. And I like it.

Which brings me to the question of family and what next. I have no idea whatsoever. As much as I am immersed in my career right now and not doing anything pro-active to ttc or adopt,but I think about having a family everyday. every single day. I still want it so badly. In fact, I think the desire is stronger than ever. But I am in a weird place where I am not grieving it every day but I also don't have my excel sheets and to-do lists and my calendars all mapped out actively working towards this goal. Sometimes I wonder if I have surrendered? If I am trusting in that which is outside of my control? Or Sometimes I fear it is complacency or indifference? I don't know. I just don't know.

It is nice to be in a place where I feel like I am me again- my career is on track and feeding my soul, my relationship with my husband is so rich right now. I like not being a slave to infertility and TTC plans at the moment- and yet....I want a family more than anything else. So, now what...

Read my mind

There are times when another blogger, a complete stranger, writes something that you are convinced was written with a window into your heart and soul-

The Mad Hatters words are just one of those posts: Click here