Tuesday, March 29, 2011

9 week- Update

Sorry I have been a stranger. Nausea and exhaustion are still kickin' my butt. I am a terrible blog friend right now too with my Reader list a mile long. But I I think I am starting to see the light at the end of the (still long) tunnel.

How Far Along? 9weeks

Maternity Clothes? No. But the three work pants I am wearing are getting awfully uncomfortable. Really, so soon!!? I have been doing some online window shopping as my inseam length is really hard to find in maternity clothes and finding clothes that fit won't be an easy feat. I also tried on a few clothes at a maternity clothes store with the strap on belly- surreal to imagine this belly growing into that.

Weight Gain? 4.5 lb Ugg. Need to slow that down. My nausea is making me want carbs and comfort food.

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Still waking up once around 4am every night. Wide away and sleepless for no reason. Crawling into bed the minute I get home from work.

Best Moment of the Week? U/S at 8week2days.

Movement? No

Food Cravings? Aversions are very strong, but cravings are not as intense. I dislike hearing anyone talk about food, period. And can only handle being in the grocery store for a few minutes before I feel sick.

Gender? We won't be finding out sex prior to the kid's arrival

What I miss? Exercise and being active. I am such a bump on a log.

Symptoms: I was worried my symptoms were fading, but now I am starting to trust a bit that they are not fading, but actually just coming and going. Sometimes they are really noticeable and othertimes more manageable. I actually felt okay enough to get some things done around the house on Sat. for a change. I literally have not been getting anything accomplished for weeks and weeks. Girls don't hurt much anymore- only from time to time. And they don't seem to be getting bigger, which is puzzling and worries me a bit. But DH disagrees and insists they are growing.

What I'm looking forward to? Feeling better. Staying up until 10pm without severe fatigue. Hopefully another u/s next week.

Weekly Wisdom: I feel like I am lacking wisdom this week.

Milestones: Had 1st Midwife appointment; It was okay, just okay. I have another appointment with a different clinic tomorrow. I'll give the full run-down of both later this week.

Emotions: Bit less fragile. And occasionally feeling joy and excitement for the future peaking its head in.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

8 wk 2 day- U/S

Absolutely perfect. OMG! There is a real live kid in there that keeps on growing.

Measuring perfectly on track at almost 2cm, almost an inch big. Heartbeat at 172. And the cutest damn kid ever. (Yes, I am bias already I know). We saw a head and lil stumpy arms and lil leg buds.


And the heartbeat- oh, the heartbeat. And it is IN ME! I just wanted to get up and do a dance of joy in watching it beat away- alive, and beating. Although I couldn't do a happy dance because there was a wand up my hu-ha. Last time the doctor and DH saw the HB at 6wk but I couldn't really make it out on the screen. This time- I saw it the instant the wand went in. It was just flickering away, strong, steady, and fast right smack dab in the middle of our lil baby.


I cried a few tears, but the emotion was much different than the tears at the 6 wk u/s. Those tears were the tears of an anguished beat up heart, that has been holding its breath and finally was able to exhale, just a bit. These tears today were of a heart recognizing it was in the presence of pure, pure beauty. Raw and honest, but with a glimpse of healing surrounding them as they fell.

Someone pinch me. I don't know what to do with this joy I feel.

We graduated from the RE. I am not ready. Not ready to go at all. But they printed our OB report to pass along, gave us a pregnancy resource book, and reminded me how much longer to keep taking the vaginal prometrium (12 more days, and I am so ready to be done). It was all very weird. Not sure what I expected for an exit, but it felt strange.

I took the day off from work (again) today. I wasn't going to tell my boss for many more weeks about the pregnancy, but I am starting to reconsider. I think I might want to tell her sooner vs. later if for no other reason than I think she would better understand why all the random sick days, and days showing up late at the office. But regardless, it has been a glorious day off.

So- the only part of the day that caused me to furrow my brow a bit was this- Our RE was not the least bit happy with our decision to transfer our care to a midwife. He thinks we need to be with an OB. He commented that IVF pregnancies/babies are considered slightly higher risk than average. I think he wanted to express much more of his opinion, but bit his tongue. He had nothing positive to say about going to a midwife.

Sigh- I feel like I know both sides of the debate- OB vs. midwife, hospital vs. non-hospital birth. In my heart I really want to go with the midwives we have chosen and deliver outside of a hospital at a birth center. I know many people have strong opinions on either side- now I am just so confused and wavering. I don't know what to do. Or who to trust.

As it stands I have three appointments scheduled at three different clinics- two different midwife clinics and 1 appointment with an OB. I figured I would get my first appointments scheduled on the books with my top three choices at three different places and decide later which one to keep. These appointments are rapidly approaching and I am more confused than when I started.


Hey kiddo- I am in awe. You are doing a great job growing in their- I know I am not feeding you very well right now, and well, in all honesty it is because your presence is making me very sick 24/7. Food is not my friend. But nonetheless, your heart keeps beating away, and you are growing by leaps and bounds. I am in absolute awe. And I'm starting to, maybe, just maybe starting to believe that you are going to stick around. And that makes me overflow with joy. Until the day we hold you in our arms, Luv, ma

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

8 wk 1day Update

I've had this post drafted for over a week. I keep updating it but never posting it. My irrational side is still trying to tell me to hold off on acting like I am pregnant until my u/s tomorrow. But I know that shortly after that, I'll find a new milestone to hold off until- and the goal posts keep moving. So, I am going forth and acting pregnant. These weekly updates are mostly for me, I just don't want to forget any of this- the good and the bad.

How Far Along? 8weeks 1day

Maternity Clothes? No. But the bloating or whatever it is came really early. I have to be selective with what I wear as some of it is already too tight and some if it just screams- "look at my growing midsection". I have only three pairs of pants that I will wear to work any more. Shopping needs to happen soon.

Weight Gain? 2 lb (Ahem, not including weight gained during IVF). Really hope this stays at this for a few more weeks. I want to gain slowly at first.

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? For the last three weeks, I have been waking up every morning, without fail, around 3-4am for no reason. Sometimes I go to the bathroom just because I am up, but I don't think that is why I wake up in the first place. Strange and slightly annoying. Up until earlier this week, I was crashing at night around 7:30pm- dead tired. This week I haven't been quite as tired which is nice (but worries me too, I worry it is a sign of symptoms fading. Sigh, ya can't win when miscarriage is your past).

Best Moment of the Week? Being home all day last Friday and doing absolutely nothing. Much needed mental sanity day. Also, every time that DH talks about or talks to the kiddo.

Movement? No

Food Cravings? Last week it was anything tomato based- especially pizza and marinara. and Honey toast. This week sloppy joes. Beyond that I have a lot of food aversions- The list is too long of things I won't eat or look at.

Gender? We won't be finding out sex prior to the kid's arrival

What I miss? Being productive. And I miss liking my job. I really really dislike work right now- and I am assuming it is just a symptom of 1st trimester.

Symptoms: Nauseousness is the most bothersome and the most constant. I hate it very much. And I have tried everything, without finding any relief. I am convinced nothing really helps. Some days, the nauseousness fades. I freak out. But it hasn't gone away completely. Girls are still sore, but not nearly as sore as Week 5 and 6. Little bit of heartburn a couple times a week. A few headaches a week.

What I'm looking forward to? U/S tomorrow and nauseousness going away. And starting to be a better friend in blogland. I am so behind.

Weekly Wisdom: Breath. Just take a deep breath. (and find a new tv series to watch on netflix to pass the time)

Milestones: Heartbeat at 6wk3day u/s. And it is a milestone to be at 8 weeks 1 day and have not yet been given threatening news. By 8 weeks, in both of the other pregnancies, we had been given the first u/s that showed likely a blighted ovum. For now, we are entering 8 weeks and have good news. That is a milestone.

Emotions: Train Wreck. Earlier this week I was a train wreck emotionally. Doing a little better. But still fragile.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Pesky (Irrational?) Fear

A peace started to settle in me over the weekend. Granted, it wasn't a full blown peace, but the tables seemed to tip a bit in favor of peace, rather than irrational fear.

Scratch that- I take that back. That is being a bit hard on me- it isn't entirely irrational fear. I have had two miscarriages. I have never known my body to carry a live baby to term. So,it is not entirely irrational to fear the worst.

But this is a different path. We got to this point of the pregnancy in a different way. And all signs so far are good.

Today, when the nausea lifted a bit, I took comfort in the fact that I felt clear headed for just a bit. The fear peaked in now and again, taunting me, asking me to consider a dead floating baby inside of me. But for the most part, I just enjoyed today.

The fear that IS irrational is the fear that by putting positive energy out there, or by actually, you know, HAVING HOPE, that somehow I will jinx it and be responsible for the demise of this pregnancy. I know that it isn't true. I know that telling friends we are pregnant, or considering baby names will not CAUSE a miscarriage. That is the irrational side of the fear- but it is sure ever present. I think it is what sent me over the edge last week- in that we had started to believe this might actually happen, we had told a few more close friends, and the irrational fear consumed me.

I am doing a bit better. I am breathing a bit more.

I bought some maternity clothes online. I know it is early, but I just needed to do it. It was almost two weeks ago that I placed the actual order. And I was very hopeful then. And in part is my way of saying Screw You, Miscarriage - this time I am actually going to NEED maternity clothes. And damn are they cute. And oh, how I love elastic at my waist. I may never go back to regular clothes. I am not ready to wear them just yet-physically or emotionally- but they are my symbol of hope. And did I mention how much I love the comfy waists?

We won't even talk about how much puff and thickness seems to be adding to my midsection each day. I feel like I am walking around with a big neon arrow pointing at my belly that says "Look at ME, I am, unsuccessfully trying to hide the growing bump/bulge." It feels so obvious to me, although I am probably overreacting; but I am just not ready to "come out" to my work peeps yet and it just feels so big and out there.

I'll end on this note: I have mentioned it before, but My husband has fallen head over heels in love with this "kid" already- and it makes me love him so much more, it is just unfathomable. He has absolutely no reservations and loves this kid so much. He is constantly rubbing my belly, talking to it, and talking about it. I am in awe that there is not an ounce of fear, or reservation in him- he doesn't seem to guard his heart nor does he seem the least bit worried about becoming a father. To see him love like this, just adds to my peace that this was the right path to choose for our family. Damn, I love him all the more.

Today marks exactly 8 weeks. Next U/s on Thursday.

Friday, March 18, 2011


Confession time-

I am pretty much a wreck. Thus the week long silence.

I thought that a heartbeat would be all I needed to see to let me breathe a bit easier. And it was so good for the soul.. but only for two days. Ever since then, I've been a complete mess.

I've logged on several times to blog, to try to get this out of my system, I even have several posts started but never finished. But just can't even bring myself to finish my thoughts. Cuz I don't know what I am feeling. And maybe in a self-sabotaging way I don't want to be comforted. Maybe I just want to feel miserable and wallow in it.

But that isn't working for me.

I am tired of being a wreck. I want to WANT to be around friends again. I want to WANT to talk to family on the phone and share in their excitement. I want to enjoy my job, even just a bit, and not dread the normal every day things in life. But instead, I am just a mess.

I feel guilty, guilty that I am not more in love yet with this kid. Guilty that I am not more grateful. Guilty that seeing a heart beat wasn't enough to calm my fears. I feel guilty that I am not stronger, that I can't just "get over this." I feel guilty for despising the horrible pregnancy symptoms and I feel guilty for not just enjoying the days I feel better. I feel guilty for complaining, I feel like I should only feel contentedness and joy. And I do- I want to feel that. My husband is so over the moon excited and in love with this "kid" and I am terrified, miserable, guilt-ridden, ornery, and physically and emotionally spent.

My symptoms have-- I don't know if faded is the right word- but they have changed. My girls were huge and heavy and sore and crazy sensitive- and now nothing. The feel deflated and don't hurt at all. And this scares me more than anything. I was feeling nauseous, really bad all day long- Now? I don't know. I can tell you I don't feel good, that is for sure, but it feels different. And it is freaking me out- and I just don't know if I feel how I am supposed to feel symptom wise. This just doesn't feel like the symptoms felt before. or how they are supposed to feel.

And I am so scared. And so tired- physically and emotionally. I have tried to talk reason to myself, to help calm my fears, but it isn't working. I long to find comfort in prayer, but feel so disconnected. And my normal distractions- my job, blogland, excersize, time with DH or friends- aren't bringing any comfort.

I am just plain spent. And scared. And overwhelmed with facing the news at the next u/s. It just feels like seeing the hb has upped the anty. The stakes are so much higher this time- cuz there is actually a beating heart, a living being in me. and I want it even more badly, but have not control over whether or not by body will kill it. And it is the most helpless feeling ever.

Friday, March 11, 2011

The Sac is definitely NOT empty

Not only was the gestational sac not empty...... there was a beautiful little blob with a perfect heart beat, flickerin' away.

I am in utter disbelief. Joyous disbelief.

The little blob was measuring right on track at 6wk3days (which is exactly what I am today). Heartbeat beating at 124bpm (they just want to see it at 100 or more).

I can't believe this is really happening.

Here is the day in details because regardless what lies ahead, I never want to forget (warning- this is long):
Not surprisingly I was so nervous all day. I slept alright last night, better than expected, but I couldn't focus at all today at work. The u/s was scheduled for 2:30pm. I planned in advance to take 1/2 the day off from work and leave at 12noon. That was the best decision ever. There is no way I could be productive at work today. And I enjoyed just being home with the husband, wasting time for a bit until we were to leave for the clinic. I showered, caught up on FB, and ate a bit to keep the lingering nausea at bay.

I could tell that DH was nervous. We were a bit snappy with each other at times. And he, while usually a talker, was nearly silent the whole drive to the doctors. I was a bit surprised by his nervousness. Looking back, I am not sure why I thought only I was nervous, but DH is much more of a go with the flow. He doesn't usually get nervous about this sort of stuff in advance, he just takes things as they come. But he was nervous too. Which brought me some relief and made me more nervous all at the same time.

We got to the clinic and barely waited a couple of minutes before they brought us back. I was nervous. I felt like the black u/s screens on the walls just were taunting me as we waited for the doc to come in. I just wanted it to be over with, but I also wanted the doctor to never come in the room. The wait was a bit long once we were in the room. Maybe only 15 minutes, but it dragged by. The doctor and nurse came in, and they both were so sweet. I don't think I had met this doctor before, but the nurse had done our injection training and she genuinely looked excited for us and glad to see us, which was sweet.

The doc asked how we were and I said I was really nervous, and she very gently tapped my leg and said it was normal and just to breathe. DH then chimed in (and I am SO glad he did) and said that we've been here before but with only bad news. I'm not sure the doctor new of our 2 miscarriages. And I felt like that just set up the doc to be even more gentle with us.

She had me lay back, in went the wand, and even as she was just getting settled in there, I saw a couple quick peaks of the black sac. And I was pretty sure I saw a blob. I didn't trust what I was seeing, but I quickly squeezed Dh's hand as I swore I saw the blob a couple of times as the wand briefly scanned back and forth. This all transpired in just a few seconds and then the doctor said, before even zeroing in, said "I see a heartbeat." DH quickly asked, in a total daze, "You said you DID see a heartbeat?" "Yes," she said, "there is a hb. I am going to take some more measurements but I didn't want you to wait any longer to know." DH said he could see the hb, but I was struggling to see much of anything at first. She continued to talked through her measurements as she took them, but I think I was holding my breath through it all until she got to the last measurement which with the crown to rump length- that showed it measuring exactly on track. She said "Looks like it is measuring about 6 1/2 weeks? Is that about right?" I, struggling to find my voice through tears said "I'm 6 wks 3 days today." The nurse and the doctor both sweetly chuckled and said, "well then, you are measuring right on track." Then she had me hold my breath while she measured the hb. And when I saw 124 show up on the screen, more tears started falling. Before she even said it, I know that all it needed to be was 100 bpm. I didn't want to turn my eyes away from the screen, but I also wanted to make eye contact with DH who was sitting just behind my head. I turned a couple of times, but he was also enthralled with the screen. He just kept squeezing my hand, and I could feel his body gently shaking as the quiet tears of relief released from him. "Wifey...." he whispered, without finishing the sentence. All he could do was squeeze my hand and whisper, "Wifey...".

It was all perfect. Not only for the good news, but just the whole experience. It was my first Ob u/s at the infertility clinic. My other ultrasounds with my first two miscarriages were at different OB clinics and done by u/s techs not by the OB. And at the time I found those u/s SO dehumanizing, and pretty traumatic. And I just thought that it was because the news was bad, confirming an empty sac. But I feel like this u/s experience redeemed those previous traumatic u/s and both confirmed that indeed the techs before completely lacked any personality, let alone compassion. I didn't realize today how horrible, horrible of experiences those two u/s were in retrospect. And today, TODAY, is how a doctor or an u/s tech should treat a patient. Today I was able to see how is should be done.

When she was done with the exam, she reiterated that everything looks perfect. I think she said the disbelief on our faces. She asked if I had an OB yet, which I don't quite yet, even though we are working on it. She went on to say, well given you have had a tough road leading up to this pregnancy, let's give you a reassurance scan. She said I could schedule in a week or two weeks, whatever I preferred, just to bridge the gap. more tears fell as I told her I LOVED her. She laughed and so did the nurse. (My nurse had originally said that if they saw a healthy hb, that I would graduate and be done which I didn't like the sound of at all, so this was good news!)

DH and I took a few silly photos in the exam room after the doctor left the room. We hugged and just cried and laughed and held each other, me still sitting on the table with the paper sheet covering my lady parts.

We checked ourselves out, and proceeded to run some errands- which was just the icing on the cake. Every other OB u/s in the past left us devastated and numb. Today was joyous and we were able to go on with our day as normal, but a new glorious normal. It was just perfect to do normal every day things. We got the car washed, stopped and go some take out dinner, both had back to back chiropractic appointments (which felt fab for my aching stressed out body). And now we are home, eating take out in bed, and watching our usual Friday evening show on tv.

And for the first time ever, I really am believing there are three of us in this bed, not just DH and I.

Hang on in there kiddo. We are over the moon in awe of your little life and want so badly to hold you some day in our arms. Hang on tight in there and grow big and strong. We'll do our best to be ready for you. Love ma and pa.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Be not afraid

My faith as been a constant throughout my life....BUT I have wrestled with it every single step of the way. I don't "get" it. And I don't know what I mean by that. I don't know what it would look or feel like if I "got" it. But I know that the amount that I have wrestled is unsettling to me. I would much rather be one of those type of people who appears to have a peace about them, that they are unwavering in who they are, what they believe, and Who they belong to.

But I don't. And this infertility and RPL journey has shook, and at times seemingly ripped apart, what was left of my flailing little dinghy of a boat called faith. And I have felt like I have been left with a few boards, adrift at sea.

Where I get stuck is the "why" questions? Why me? Why us? Why this? Why now? Why, Lord?

And I know there isn't an answer for why. I know. Buy in my human frailness, I want to know the mind of God. I want to understand a God who I believe can work miracles. Who will work miracles. I want to believe in a God that is not an evil puppeteer that causes miscarriages, still births, and infants to leave this earth in the middle of the night. Cuz I don't believe in a God that wills evil to happen. And yet it is so hard then to believe in a God that masterminds the good in life, while he idly watches the darkness swallow up so many of his beloved children. His children who desire good in life, who only want to selflessly grow a family, and give back in the world. And they are swallowed up by the evil that can not ever explained by the "Why" question.

There has been healing recently in which I feel like God has slowly softened my hard exterior and let the peace seep in- the peace that assures me that the God I know is never idle when his people suffer. A God that continues to redirect me to glimpse something bigger than myself, even when I get stuck in the "why"s.

But, this path to peace has been muddy, circular, and more constant wrestling, while at the same time not being able to walk away from it completely.

And I wish I could say that I have a peace that has completely filled me about my u/s tomorrow. I wish I could say that I have total faith in a God that works miracles. But I struggle to believe in that as fully as I would like.

But I will say, that there is a trickle, a teeny tiny trickle if peace that is beckoning me to at least have faith in a God that will never leave me or forsake me. I wish it was something I felt like I could shout in confidence from the mountain top, but a teeny tiny trickle of confidence is all that is there. But I know that is enough.

This peace has come in a quiet way, as I have been gently reminded of these words:

Be not afraid, whatever may come.

I am the Lord your God.

I pray Lord that those words be on my lips in joy or in sorrow tomorrow.

That is all I know how to pray right now. But I am going to trust that is enough.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

6 wks

Today is the 6 week mark. Only three more sleeps until u/s day....

Sunday, March 6, 2011

A few things I am grateful for.

I'll be honest that most of my energy these days is spent worrying. Worrying about the outcome, worrying when I do feel symptoms, worrying when I don't and on and on. And I know that even if we get good news at the u/s on Friday, I will still find more things to worry about. I don't WANT to worry, but it is hard not too.

In the midst of the worry though, there is some joy and gratitude that lightens my spirit and reminds me of what really matters:

My husband- I just can't say enough. Where as I feel like I am still guarding my heard, he has fallen in love with this child head over heals. He thinks and talks about it all the time. He puts his face to my belly and over and over says "We love you lil' one, we love you so much. Hang on tight in there." I cringe at times as he gushes, just afraid to love this baby as unabashedly as he does when the grief of loss is still so fresh. But it also makes me love DH all the more that all walls are down with him.

No cramping- Things have really settled down down in my nether regions and I am not having menstrual type cramps anymore. Who knows what that means, but it has helped to put my mind at ease, being it just feels like it is settled in and not so fragile in my pelvic region. Hard to explain, but I've been grateful for that.

No spotting- I am 5wk5days and no spotting at all yet. I know spotting is normal and can be quite common, especially with using prom.etrium. But it would understandably freak me out. But I am so relieved everyday that goes by that there isn't a single drop of red, or pink, or brown.

Desire- I wrote earlier about our Meet&Greet with one of the midwives clinics we are considering. I just felt like during their presentation, talking about birth and babies and bringing a baby home, I just was overcome with the feeling of wanting this SO badly. I think what surprised me about that was that I don't feel that desire that frequently anymore. Years of loss and heartbreak and disappointment and I just have put a lid on the strong desire, that longing to carry a baby and be a mother. It hurt to bad to long for it, when the chances of it actually happening seemed so so slim. And that feeling came back to me for a moment sitting at the midwives office- and it felt so good to remember how much I want this.

Friday, March 4, 2011

U/S countdown: 1 week from today

Thanks for all of your input into my dilemma about when to have the u/s. I appreciated all the perspectives. After going back and forth (many many times) I decided to leave it as is- the big day is one week from today, I will be 6wk3days. I don't even know what to think about that. That is probably a post for another time. Because to be honest- I don't think I am emotionally ready to think about it quite yet, let alone write about it. I SO want that day to come and yet at the same time I never want it to come. We have only ever had bad news at OB u/s. We have only ever seen that awful, empty black sac. Empty. Friday, just 1 week, is decision day.

On the symptom front, yesterday was the first day I can say I felt pregnant all day long - I was nauseous like crazy, exhausted, belly was so bloated by the end of the day, the girls hurt like mad and felt like huge watermelons. It's a bit rough, but it brings me relief- it makes me feel like I am contributing to the process by putting up with all those symptoms. And it gives me hope that all might be okay.

I did some looking at my old blogging and my journal I kept (Before I started blogging, which btw I have been blogging here now for 2 years, crazy) and I realized that with both of my miscarriages the pregnancy symptoms - mostly exhaustion, sore/big girls, and nauseousness- didn't start until right at 6 weeks and faded mid way through the 7 week. I thought that I had started feeling pregnant much earlier, so it was interesting to confirm that my symptoms last time started later in the pregnancy than I recalled.

Today was a milder day symptom wise, but the symptoms were still lingering. And the "hit by a semi-truck" exhaustion is undeniable. I have crawled into bed before 7pm multiple times this week. Tomorrow is the first day in AGES that I can sleep as long as I want and I am so so looking forward to it.

One full work week.

Deep breath.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Meddling with Midwives

I did something almost unthinkable today.

DH and I attended a meet & greet at one of the midwives practices we are considering.

Crazy. Surreal. Perfect. Crazy.

I sat through the hour long presentation with three other newly pregnant couples and my head was spinning with thoughts. Forewarning- this is an honest look into the thoughts that circled through my head, no guarantee this is pretty:

"I can't believe I'm pregnant. I can't believe I am interviewing midwives."

"I am a fake. A total fraud. I don't deserve to be here."

"I wonder if they can tell...I wonder if the other women can tell that I have had two miscarriages. I wonder if they can tell I did IVF, that I'm not like the rest of them."

"Oh, I pray I am not jinxing myself by being here. Cart before the horse. I totally should have waited until i knew if it this one was viable before I contemplated, you know, actually making plans or GIVING BIRTH."

"I can't believe I am here. I love these midwives. I love everything about this place."

"I am in love with this child. I want the chance to carry and birth my child. I want this so badly."

All in all it was a great meet and greet. We are going to one other meet and greet in a couple of weeks with another practice, but my gut says we'll use this first group. I will be honest- it was really hard. Hard to make the initial phone call. Hard to actually sign up to go. But I take seriously my decision of who will help us deliver our baby, and I don't want to be rushed in deciding. And I keep telling myself that if this one doesn't stick, we will try again- we will need a midwife eventually. So, this won't be wasted effort. But for today is was an attempt to step forward with hope, rather than being paralyzed by fear.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Symptom Watch

Noting symptoms is an interesting process when pregnancy falls on the heels of IVF. Because it is near impossible to determine what is causing or caused the symptoms: Umpteen injections of hormones? HCG levels rising? Being relatively sedentary for weeks now (months)? Who knows- but for what it is worth, here is my observations:

(Updated to add- I have been writing this post over the past couple of days and of course the first trimester gods are conspiring to mess with me- because today? Today I have had almost NO FRICKIN' SYMPTOMS. And I am remembering I hate this roller coaster. There is just nothing, absolutely nothing that can tell me this is going to be okay. So, I am trying to breathe....)

Here we go-

Short Fuse- OMG! Everyone and Everything annoys me. Seriously - EVERYTHING! I can't even stand to be around myself. And I get frustrated with the simplest things- all problem solving ability has gone out the window. Ugg.

Dry skin- I want to take a bath in a tub of lotion. I feel like a reptile.

Food and Nausea- my relationship with food is interesting. The immense hunger I feel at times is unreal. And it comes out of no where. Similarly there are times when I have absolute zero interest in food or drink. The other dilemma though is that when I am nauseous it feels like I just need to eat a little. But then I eat a little and I just feel more nauseous. My cravings also come and go quickly. I will have an intense craving for something and by the time I get it out of the fridge and heat it up it smells revolting. I remember cravings from my other pregnancies and I still find it amazing that a little hcg in my bloodstream and I crave foods I don't even like! (But, like I said before- then today I was almost totally fine with food).

The Girls- The girls aren't growing yet like I remember from before. Maybe it is too early (I remember them getting huge fast in the other pregnancies but maybe I am mistaken). They are just a little sore, but the nips are very very sensitive. Again- I find this all crazy strange.

Achiness in my nether region- Shortly after I got a positive test my ovaries started flaring up again. They had gotten big and tender and achy after the ER, and just as they started calming down a bit they flared up again. It felt like there was a wrestling match going on in me. Finally in the past few days I no longer feel like I have been punched over and over in the gut and it feels like my ovaries are starting to settle back into their normal position in there, whatever that means. Occasionally I get some cramping, menstrual type cramping, particularly in my lower back. And it freaks me out a bit. Thankfully it never lasts long. And it seems to be happening less and less.

Dreams- I am usually not a dreamer. But I am dreaming all the time. So far they all seem silly and not really very meaningful, but they are constant and vivid. I also am not sleeping entirely well. I wake up for no reason around 3am every night and feel like I have a harder time getting and staying a sleep. DH has already moved into the guest room because I am such a bear to be around (Refer back to "Short Fuse")

Tiredness- I am tired. Bed time is earlier and earlier, but the semi-ran-over-me exhaustion I remember from before hasn't yet hit me.

Bloated- Especially by the end of the day I am bloaty. It makes me sad how much pudge there is down there and I can't decipher between weight gain from life or what is just pregnancy puffiness. But it is not going to be hideable for long.