August 29, 2008
I could feel it brewing all day long.
Three pregnancy tests in the last week- of course all negative. And still no damn period. Day 34 and no sign of it.
Why the anger? I don’t know- maybe there three blaring negatives brewed it inside of me. Maybe because with three negatives and Day 34 it seems certain I’m not pregnant. But then again- damn, just flow already. Stop making me agonize.
I’m angry at what SHOULD be. I wanted PS. I want THAT first pregnancy damn it. Why should I have to wait? And yet I know that I need to not cling, not grasp- I need to let go.
DH put in our wedding video footage today- just on accident not knowing what tape it was. I covered my ears and eyes. The only reason I could figure is that I am angry at the reminder of how long its been since we’ve been married and that we don’t have a baby yet. I’m ready damnit.
Then my friend "D" instant messaged me with the words "April 1st." I knew exactly what he meant. Cuz I have all my possible due dates memorized. If, IF IF IF, it had been this cycle, we’d be May 1st. they are expecting their second child April 1st.
I did find that my reaction to "D" was joy for him. I don’t feel angry at him or others- but I simultaneously feel split in two.
Its not how it was supposed to be. Its not fair. Its not what I wanted.
And I don’t want to wait
I don’t want to give up control and frickin' trust the universe
I want to make it happen
It seemed to happen so easily before
I can’t help but feel punished
The grief isn’t suppose to hurt so bad this long after
But its getting worse
On the minute chance I could be pregnant- I feel like I am ruining it in that I don’t trust, I don’t believe, I am not present in the moment