I bought a bookshelf. It is such a simple statement, and yet this bookshelf purchase has seemed really significant to me.
I'm not sure why this particular act is carrying so much symbolic meaning. My hunch is that my father-in-law's recent death has our household in an introspective space, that opens us up to see meaning beyond the surface.
So my craigslist purchase this week of a white Ik.ea bookshelf for dirt cheap, has me hopeful, and feeling like I am opening up after a long dark winter.
I researched it, measured and remeasured, spent 5 days arranging a time to go see it, figured out my husband and I's crazy schedules in order to go pick it up together, we loaded it in to the garage awaiting an opportunity to put some finishing touches on it- it has been a labor of love....
Like I said- it is silly given it is just a bookshelf. But is has our household hopeful.
The bookshelf is the perfect height, width, and measurements to fit in our guest bedroom closet. The goal has always been to make that closet as useable as possible, and this bookshelf was just perfect.
This bookshelf is part of a larger project the husband and I have been working on to organize and clean up and- here is the most significant part- to create more space in our condo....and in our life. This bookshelf feels like a significant next step to preparing that space and readying it for a child.
And that's where the tidal wave of fear starts to creep in. The fear whispers and screams at me at the same time "WHY DO YOU CONTINUE TO HOPE WHEN HOPING ONLY LEADS TO DESPAIR." And I will admit- Oh, It is scary to embrace the hopefullness. Sometimes, if I really give it thought, it seems absolutely absurd to allow myself to hope. It seems like self-inflicted punishment to prepare a room, or even think about preparing a room, for a child I have NO idea if it will ever come to be. Hoping can feel ridiculous.
And yet this damn bookshelf has my husband and I a bit on the giddy side of what it could mean. He will stop me in the middle of the garage while getting the groceries out of the car, and he will motion towards the bookshelf standing off to the side, and he will hug me and tell me how perfect it will be with cute little baskets and books for our bambino someday. And he tells me how ready we are and how badly he wants all that that bookshelf stands for.
And I can't help but hope....and it brings me to my knees humbling begging for the strength to walk with hope and not fear what is on the other side.