spotting

showing signs of the period coming.

funny how you can forget, forget that you are infertile. Forget that unprotected sex, will not equal pregnancy. That pregnancy will not equal real live baby. I started to forget. My body reminds me on day 29, every month.

I can still recall the absolute darkness that seemed to swallow me up after this last miscarriage in March. I can recall the feeling of my spirit being ripped apart at the meer thought of every being pregnant again, and knowing the depth of the loss again. Because the innocence was gone- pregnancy no longer equals child being born in my life. I remember thinking during this last dark time that I would do anything in my power to NEVER conceive naturally again as I have no confidence it will ever result in a RLB. And I feared my spirit couldn't live through the pain again. All walls were up.

The walls slowly melted away without me realizing it. And has been replaced with a hopeful spirit. .... And I am not sure how I feel about that. Is it truly hope? And should I hope? Or am I just in denial, as a way to exist right now?

Whatever it is, I will say it is a lot easier to function day to day, I can promise you that much. But am I functioning day to day as if I am a non-infertile? I have started counting the cycle days again, planning said deed with husband accordingly, noting cervical mucous changes, I even bought multiple HPT (what was I thinking?). And this cycle? It was textbook! Egg white cervical mucous on the proper days, and even a twinge/cramp that I knew I was ovulating- (that is a bit rare in my world). Hubby and I were on vacation- enough said. The rest was up to our biology. We did everything right within our control. Every-frickin-thing.

And then I am reminded. It doesn't work that way for us. The spotting on the toilet paper brings me back to reality. And I find myself in a wave of grief and relief. Grief that "Damnit! THIS IS HOW IT IS SUPPOSE TO WORK! why doesn't it work for us?". But then also at the same time relief. Relief that I am spared from suspense of that first ultrasound, laying in a dark room, waiting, praying, and then seeing it in the face of the technician, and knowing that my world is about to be shattered again.

I don't know if it is hope or denial that I am living in right now- maybe both? Either way I don't know how I feel about it. If it is hope, and my world crashes again, will I survive?

It's still me! Only prettier.

Like the new look! I didn't even know that you could get free blog templates.

My blog list needs to be re-added and I am still tweaking, but feel free to let me know if you see anything odd or broken.

Jumping ship

I've been thinking about changing to a new RE. Or at least exploring the idea.

There were two clinics that came recommended to me by my OB. One clinic I had had not such a good experience with when I was an egg donor. And the other clinic is only 2 miles from my house. So that was an easy choice. When I called to make an appointment I didn't ask for a specific RE of the 4 that work there. I just wanted to find teh soonest appointment that would work. I was in a hurry, ready to get the show on the road. But now we know that ovulation and our vacation plans aren't going to mesh until September.

For blog purposes We'll call her Dr. Penelope. She was fine. Husband was happy with the doctor and the consult. But... I've had this lingering hesitation- and I guess I have decided that I would like to explore my options at that clinic with another doctor- just to compare. And now that I know that insurance covered over 1/2 of our first visit, paying $100 and some bucks to talk with another doctor has me even more motivated to pursue this.

I don't think I can say for sure why I wasn't head over heels for her, but I am certain a large part of it is that I researched and found out she is very new to this clinic. And it looks like she is newish to RE (not new to Obgyn, but new to RE). Maybe that doesn't matter, but in my head it biases me against her. I also felt like she worked with us a bit to "textbook"- like she went through the list of things she was supposed to tell us. And, finally, I just didn't click with her. And if I am going to spend a lot of time with some Doc exploring my nether regions, I am its probably worth $100 just to see if I connect better with another doctor.

I can't help it though- it always feels weird to jump ship from one doctor to another doctor in the very same clinic.

And, I don't know exactly how to choose from the other two that I am considering. One is a male, one is a female. I am leaning towards the female, but its not like that is a very well researched decision.

We will see- I think I will call the clinic today and just see how that goes and what time slots would be available-

Confused, but elated

i'm a bit dumbfounded.

I just went online to look at some of my Explanation of Benefits for my insurance and I noticed that the visit to see the RE for the consultation in June was processed. I have had multiple conversations with my insurance giving them multiple diagnosis and procedure codes and always they say that they will not cover ANYTHING having to do with infertility or recurrent pregnancy loss. Nada, zip, zilch.

They paid nearly 2/3 of our $300 consult visit. I am speechless but skeptical. I will keep watching to see what happens. I haven't seen the actual EOB yet, just the summary. I don't fully understand how they paid what they paid, it doesn't seem to match the rate that they normally pay for preferred or non-preferred providers. But they paid!

My mind is spinning- does this mean that some of our future visits will be covered. We were prepared to pay for all expenses related to the iui's all out of pocket, so even a tiny break would be fabulous.

i am confused, but elated.