It's been nearly two months since I last posted. I'm not sure exactly why. It just has gotten hard to post here. I continue to read along, but I have gone quiet on commenting as well.
I find myself not posting here because I don't want this place to only be about the darkness and I tend to be drawn to bloggin when I have stuff I need to dump. And life isn't actually all bad right now. I find myself not posting because I don't know where I am going on this IF journey. This blog was started as we began to navigate TTC after our miscarriages. But we are no longer working with an RE. We no longer have a plan (or the option of) saving for IVF or adoption right now. And while I want to still be TTC on our own, to be honest, that just isn't actively happening either right now.
I feel like what hyper active dog must feel like, tethered on a leash staked into the ground, that just keeps running and running in circles until it has worn itself out. That is where I am at. All paths toward parenting that are within my control have been explored and ruled out as options right now. And I am just tuckered out and trying to come to terms with living life without knowing the plan. I think in part, coming back to this blog reminds me of the energy spent running in circles, only to not feel any closer to the goal.
To be honest, more often than not I think I subconsciously spend a lot of energy convincing myself that parenting is not really the end all, be all. Convincing myself that it really isn't what I want. I know that is just a coping mechanism, but that's how it goes right now.
But then I witness some of the most beautiful moments in the lives of women I don't even know, but whose perseverance amazes me. The birth of Natalie's beautiful daughter, seeing Stacy's healthy pregnancy with her long awaited lil' girl Lily, and Katy as she is preparing to welcome her 2nd child. All of whom have endured more loss than humanely imaginable. I have been lurking on some of their blogs and many others even before I knew the pain of miscarriage, heck some of them even before we started TTC. And I am reminded what this journey is all about. And I hope that in whatever is around the corner in this next chapter of our journey, that I can find their kind of patience and perseverance... and hope.
