It is in the dying that life is created

January 24, 2009

I have been reflecting (and relearning) a lot lately on how the universe will give us the lessons we need for that moment. And I think back to losing PS. There are so many “deadlines” I had artificially created, that some how if as long as I was pregnant again by x date, all would be right in the world…..little did I know…… But somehow, through all of this, I am grateful for each death.

Oh, how I longed to be pregnant again by what would have been PS’s due date.

And my period came. And I grieved deeply, but I survived.

Oh how I longed to be pregnant again by the time my little sister had her baby.

And my period came again. I took a deep breath and survived.

Oh how I longed to be pregnant by the time I held my new niece in my arms.

And my period came once again. And I died a bit, and survived.

Oh how I longed to wrap my grown "daughter" Yolle in my arms and keep her my little girl forever. And she shared the news she is with child.

And my period came. And I breathed a bit deeper.

Oh how I longed to be pregnant by the anniversary of PS’s conception…and so I wait….

All of these experiences are part of what I need to die to myself, so that I can live.

It is in the dying that life is created.

Life, give me breath.

Peace in the new year

January 6, 2009

So I write… cuz I don’t know what else to do.

Peace.

That is what I want this year. I do not have the energy to keep hoping. I do not have the energy to ask for more hope. I ask only for peace.

I don’t know what hope looks like. Or feels like. Or even means. But I know peace. That is what I ask. That you I might soften and open and have peace stir up in me- peace.

Peace that I am worthy of all good that comes my way in the universe. Peace that it will not always look how I want it to. peace to know that that in itself is a good thing. Peace in knowing I am not a failure. Peace in knowing that I can be content with however my life looks.

But, oh, how I doubt...

But there is not other option- cuz I don’t like living how I am right now-

I need to stop wrestling