i've been gone. for an entire month. I've been reading. but barely commenting. Sorry y'all. and I haven't even been able to bring myself to post to my own blog.
I think I have been in avoidance behavior. Avoiding the grief. Avoiding the fact that I have been a downer, and as much as my blog is therapy for me, I get tired of ONLY writing when I am blue.
This story will probably highlight what triggered this downhill spiral of avoidance:
A friend of mine shared with me in March that her husband and her had been TTC unsuccessfully for two years. As we stood in the hallway at our church, and she shared with me I felt the weight of her pain. She is a planner- in fact our circle of friends has always teased her because she is one of those in life that has things all planned out. She had a plan and that was that- it would all fall into place because she said so. Well, it didn't, and her world was shattered. As we commiserated in that hallway, I shared with her for the first time that we had had a miscarriage (a year ago at that time). What I didn't share with her was that I was 7 weeks pregnant as we stood in that hallway. Not like it was the best time to bring it up, and I was petrified as we were having our 1st U/S the next week. And, as the story goes, we had another miscarriage. She doesn't know, cuz she didn't know we were pregnant. I don't see this friend much, so time went by, and she was on my heart. i knew that they were planning a clomid challenge test in May. May came and went and I wanted to reach out to her- as we also found ourselves in the office of an RE in May. Wondering how she was doing, wondering which RE she was seeing, thinking I should reach out to her- that it would be good for both of us to support one another.
I saw her this past month. I actually was in a larger group off and on throughout the week with her, but it was busy and we never really had a chance to talk. But I knew. There were signs- a bit more, shall we say, "well-endowed," bloaty belly, and finally the confirmation "I can't eat lunch meat" as we were being served sandwiches.
I felt like my insides were being split in two. I have never known jealousy like this before. I seeth with envy. And I hate that I feel that way. Now, I have been avoiding her. (Geesh- how awful of a person am I?) Its like she became the enemy. (YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME, AM I REALLY THAT HEARTLESS?) In stead of compassion, and wanting to reach out to her, I am angry at her. (YEA, LIKE SHE GOT PREGNANT JUST TO HURT ME! WHATEVER) And its not fair, as I stomp my feet (LIKE SOMEHOW BY HER GETTING PREGNANT, SHE HAS ROBBED ME OF MY CHANCE TO GET PREGNANT. UMM.. not the way it works)
Two weeks ago, before the lunch meat comment and the bloated belly I felt a desire to walk along side her. Poof. Now I am insane lady....
That's why I have been avoiding the blog. Cuz if I come here, I have to admit that I have dark sides to me that are yuck. And I am not as whole and centered as human being as I like to believe I am. And I believe that we are called to be there for one another. And I know, that if the tables were reversed, and she came alongside me, I would be humbled by her self-lessness.
So, now I am working on letting go. On dying to myself. To getting "me" out of they way, so that I can be truly Me. Cuz how I feel, doesn't feel good. I want to be able to walk along side her in her grief and despair and in her joy and celebration that they finally got what they wanted. SHE IS ONE OF US! an infertile. I am not suppose to hate her. She put in her time, and grief, and tears, and heartache. Why can't I rejoice with her? If she can get pregnant after two years of trying, then maybe there is hope for us!!?
The other trigger was a co-worker of mine. She shared (a couple of months ago) that she was pregnant with her second. We was maybe 7 weeks along when she shared. Ugg. (The anger boils as I realize that my naivete is forever gone- I will never be able to confidently tell my boss and co-workers that I will be having a baby - when only 7 WEEKS ALONG!) Its not her fault, I know that. Again, I want to celebrate with her. But I am still broken. And, well, I am putting it all out there- cuz its blog world, and I can.
I am feeling left behind-
In this time of inactivity as we wait until we'll be in town long enough to do our first iui, I am feeling left behind.
And I can't help but wonder, if I will be one of the unlucky ones. That never gets their miracle. There are not guarantees. And that is a reality that I am still learning to deal with.