I was married once before. It seems like another lifetime. It seems like it was someone other than me. We got married 15 years ago this summer. 15 years!!! Our divorce happened two years later.
I have not seen him since he looked at me on the steps of the courthouse the day our divorce paperwork was submitted before the judge, and he turned and walked away without saying a word.
I saw him today.
It brought up a lot of emotions. Not about him. But about the journey. I think about where I could have been in life, about where I have been and where I am now. I have gone through some of the toughest times in the past 15 years, and yet I can honestly say i love my life today more than I could have ever dreamed of.
We were young- too young. We married quickly- too quickly.
Seeing him brought up deep rooted emotions not about him, but about who I was and who I am now. It would be tough to say which journey was harder- the darkness of the divorce and recreating my life afterwards or the darkness of infertility and miscarriages. By far they are the two darkest times in my life.
At the time I met him, I was longing to be in a relationship. I was longing for family, as my immediate family was in dishevel. I had just moved 1400 miles away from home for the first time. And he had this great big gigantic extended family. Aunts, and uncles, and cousins, and grandparents, and in laws and the list continues. I felt like I had found home.
I also lost a sense of my identity, of who I was - because I never never imagined i'd be divorced!- but I also lost all the family I had come to love and be loved by. Almost overnight.
But like the journey of infertility/miscarriages the strength that grew up in me during that time fundamentally changed who I am. And I have no regrets of who I have become.
I saw him at a funeral today. It was the funeral of my best friend's father. My friend is his cousin. She and I became instant friends when he introduced her to me at a family gathering, and the divorce never affected our friendship. She without doubt will be my life long friend.
And I realized at the funeral today, as I gave hugs and was hugged by the great big gigantic extended family that I used to officially be a part of- I realized that I am absolutely more at home in my life now than ever before. And the family that has become our family- through cancer, and miscarriages, and birth of our daughter- is indeed a great big gigantic extended family.
It is not the life I thought I would live, but it is so much better than I could have ever imagined.