May 31, 2008
Oh, the grief is real and raw sometimes. It just comes out of no where. I have my period right now. I think that is triggering the grief. I said to DH today it just feels like such a waste. Like my uterus is shedding and it feels wasteful- a missed chance to welcome in PS again. I miss you PS- I cried again today on your papa’s shoulder. I know I am not suppose to cling or try to control you back into my life, but oh, how I wanted you. I still grief what could have been. I still think about what it would be like for my belly to be growing with you inside. I still become paralyzed with fear that I will never be worthy of you back in my life. Help me to let you go. . .. let you go in the embrace of my selfless and humble love. Letting you be you, and grow and thrive in your own timing. Help me to trust my body- it is becoming so healthy- I’ve lost weight- slowly, but consistently- and I have been active and excersizing regularly since December with the exception of the two months around the pregnancy and miscarriage. I am learning how to stay consistent in practicing health.
I know the time will come again. . and then too I will whine and complain and try to control life. . . this is nothing new.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Relections on Healing from the 1st MIscarriage
May 4, 2008
A letter to my past and future child:
This is where I start,
start to write, - a welcome letter to beckon, draw you into my life.
This is where I start to let go of my desire to cling, to claim you, to own you.
When you came to me, to us, in February, I claimed you, I gripped tightly to you, I begged of you to stick. I wanted you. You have taught me to let go, rather you are teaching me to let go. Surrender. As the waves of miscarriage contractions crippled my body, I glimpsed surrender. You were not mine, and I could not will you to stay. I was at the mercy of the universe. And so I seek surrender, little one. I pray that I am transformed by the gift you have been and will continue to be to me- if I surrender.
The love of knowing you was amazing.
The joy was profound.
The miracle of life was evident in my morning sickness and in the eyes of my usbandh as he beamed with pride.
But I tried to own you, to keep you.
I want to open my soul, I want it ripped open like the heavens- cuz then, and only then, will I allow you to walk with me in life. A soul I have met before, that comes back into my life more fully. I will know you when you come. I don’t want to plan it or schedule it. I just want, in open surrender, to soak you in….and in doing so, to let you go. You were never mine to claim. You will never be “mine.” You are a gift of the soul, entrusted to me, to us, to walk this earth with. But who you are is so beyond what I can “know” or “comprehend.”
You are light, gift, spirit.
Bring me to my knees. Kiss me on the forehead. Open me up to receive you- a gift greater than I am worthy. A gift I’ll need to spend a lifetime unwrapping. And I will fail at times. I will fail to surrender, I will fail to embrace you as light. I will cling, and falter. So I ask your grace. See me as worthy and carry me when I stumble.
I will be honest that I want to know “when.” I want to tell you it’s not fair to make me wait. That I DESERVE you again. That it will be all better if it just returns to what it was. But I know better. I know this is where the strength of my faith is honed. And for that I am grateful.
Lil one, I open myself up to you, and desire to be all that I can be for you. And more so I desire to be transformed by the light you bring to me. I want to show you the grandness world, and delight with you in the simplicity of the day to day. I want to offer to you a glimpse at the beauty of creation, and model for you how to treat is tenderly. I want to share love with you- of the many friends and family that love you already, that love us and desire good for our life. And I want to give selflessly of me, to bring me to my knees daily in opportunity to seek to love unconditionally--- as I come to know the vulnerable ness of love and life through you.
A letter to my past and future child:
This is where I start,
start to write, - a welcome letter to beckon, draw you into my life.
This is where I start to let go of my desire to cling, to claim you, to own you.
When you came to me, to us, in February, I claimed you, I gripped tightly to you, I begged of you to stick. I wanted you. You have taught me to let go, rather you are teaching me to let go. Surrender. As the waves of miscarriage contractions crippled my body, I glimpsed surrender. You were not mine, and I could not will you to stay. I was at the mercy of the universe. And so I seek surrender, little one. I pray that I am transformed by the gift you have been and will continue to be to me- if I surrender.
The love of knowing you was amazing.
The joy was profound.
The miracle of life was evident in my morning sickness and in the eyes of my usbandh as he beamed with pride.
But I tried to own you, to keep you.
I want to open my soul, I want it ripped open like the heavens- cuz then, and only then, will I allow you to walk with me in life. A soul I have met before, that comes back into my life more fully. I will know you when you come. I don’t want to plan it or schedule it. I just want, in open surrender, to soak you in….and in doing so, to let you go. You were never mine to claim. You will never be “mine.” You are a gift of the soul, entrusted to me, to us, to walk this earth with. But who you are is so beyond what I can “know” or “comprehend.”
You are light, gift, spirit.
Bring me to my knees. Kiss me on the forehead. Open me up to receive you- a gift greater than I am worthy. A gift I’ll need to spend a lifetime unwrapping. And I will fail at times. I will fail to surrender, I will fail to embrace you as light. I will cling, and falter. So I ask your grace. See me as worthy and carry me when I stumble.
I will be honest that I want to know “when.” I want to tell you it’s not fair to make me wait. That I DESERVE you again. That it will be all better if it just returns to what it was. But I know better. I know this is where the strength of my faith is honed. And for that I am grateful.
Lil one, I open myself up to you, and desire to be all that I can be for you. And more so I desire to be transformed by the light you bring to me. I want to show you the grandness world, and delight with you in the simplicity of the day to day. I want to offer to you a glimpse at the beauty of creation, and model for you how to treat is tenderly. I want to share love with you- of the many friends and family that love you already, that love us and desire good for our life. And I want to give selflessly of me, to bring me to my knees daily in opportunity to seek to love unconditionally--- as I come to know the vulnerable ness of love and life through you.
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