Relections on Healing from the 1st MIscarriage

May 4, 2008

A letter to my past and future child:

This is where I start,
start to write, - a welcome letter to beckon, draw you into my life.
This is where I start to let go of my desire to cling, to claim you, to own you.

When you came to me, to us, in February, I claimed you, I gripped tightly to you, I begged of you to stick. I wanted you. You have taught me to let go, rather you are teaching me to let go. Surrender. As the waves of miscarriage contractions crippled my body, I glimpsed surrender. You were not mine, and I could not will you to stay. I was at the mercy of the universe. And so I seek surrender, little one. I pray that I am transformed by the gift you have been and will continue to be to me- if I surrender.

The love of knowing you was amazing.
The joy was profound.
The miracle of life was evident in my morning sickness and in the eyes of my usbandh as he beamed with pride.

But I tried to own you, to keep you.
I want to open my soul, I want it ripped open like the heavens- cuz then, and only then, will I allow you to walk with me in life. A soul I have met before, that comes back into my life more fully. I will know you when you come. I don’t want to plan it or schedule it. I just want, in open surrender, to soak you in….and in doing so, to let you go. You were never mine to claim. You will never be “mine.” You are a gift of the soul, entrusted to me, to us, to walk this earth with. But who you are is so beyond what I can “know” or “comprehend.”
You are light, gift, spirit.

Bring me to my knees. Kiss me on the forehead. Open me up to receive you- a gift greater than I am worthy. A gift I’ll need to spend a lifetime unwrapping. And I will fail at times. I will fail to surrender, I will fail to embrace you as light. I will cling, and falter. So I ask your grace. See me as worthy and carry me when I stumble.

I will be honest that I want to know “when.” I want to tell you it’s not fair to make me wait. That I DESERVE you again. That it will be all better if it just returns to what it was. But I know better. I know this is where the strength of my faith is honed. And for that I am grateful.

Lil one, I open myself up to you, and desire to be all that I can be for you. And more so I desire to be transformed by the light you bring to me. I want to show you the grandness world, and delight with you in the simplicity of the day to day. I want to offer to you a glimpse at the beauty of creation, and model for you how to treat is tenderly. I want to share love with you- of the many friends and family that love you already, that love us and desire good for our life. And I want to give selflessly of me, to bring me to my knees daily in opportunity to seek to love unconditionally--- as I come to know the vulnerable ness of love and life through you.