May 31, 2008

Oh, the grief is real and raw sometimes. It just comes out of no where. I have my period right now. I think that is triggering the grief. I said to DH today it just feels like such a waste. Like my uterus is shedding and it feels wasteful- a missed chance to welcome in PS again. I miss you PS- I cried again today on your papa’s shoulder. I know I am not suppose to cling or try to control you back into my life, but oh, how I wanted you. I still grief what could have been. I still think about what it would be like for my belly to be growing with you inside. I still become paralyzed with fear that I will never be worthy of you back in my life. Help me to let you go. . .. let you go in the embrace of my selfless and humble love. Letting you be you, and grow and thrive in your own timing. Help me to trust my body- it is becoming so healthy- I’ve lost weight- slowly, but consistently- and I have been active and excersizing regularly since December with the exception of the two months around the pregnancy and miscarriage. I am learning how to stay consistent in practicing health.

I know the time will come again. . and then too I will whine and complain and try to control life. . . this is nothing new.