What do we really ever "know"?

July 25, 2008

Oh, Mr. Period. How I wait for you. PS, I feel different about you now. Like I am ready to move on but yet that I am not ready to replace you. Will you be coming back to me? Or did I only know you for that moment. Those weeks you were inside of me.

I wait. It is day 30 today of my cycle. I have 3 days more to wait until I will know.

I say that like in 3 days I will “know.”

But here’s the thing “self’ that I am so quick to forget. Knowing something is temporary. Knowing is a choice. I only can “know’ so much. If I take a pregnancy test and “know” I am, then I will want to “know” that I won’t lose you. Then I will want to “know” I will make it to the 2nd trimester, and the third, and that you will be healthy and thrive …and I want to “know” all of this.

I trick myself into believing that if I just can “know’ for sure today by POAS if I am pregnant, that all will be well with my soul. But that isn’t true. I will just want to “know” more. . and more and more…..

So today, I let go of my desire to know because my desire to “know” is truly my desire to be in control. And that I am not. I am not in control.