Struggling to hope

February 22, 2009

I have been struggling with hope

I even googled it-
What does it mean to have hope?
Am I called to hope? And to hope in what?

I feel like it is naïve to have hope that a bambino will result from this pregnancy.

And as I wrestled with this, I came to this centered place.

I hope that God is glorified in this journey, what ever that may be

I hope that God is glorified in his breaking me to his will

I hope that God is glorified in the patient surrender I practice each day along this journey and the many more that are to come

I hope that God is glorified in our desire to create life together out of the abundant love he has given us.

I hope….

Reliving my first miscarriage all over again

February 8, 2009

I see blood streaming from me when I shower. I know I am just imagining it- rather- I am reliving it.

The fear is real today. The peace I had felt isn’t as real today.

Its weird, but its like I am afraid of GOING THROUGH the miscarriage again, but not afraid of the miscarriage.

Be still and know that I am God

Disbeleif, joy, glee, fear, and disbelief all at once

February 4, 2009

I keep looking at it. Over and over and over. I can’t stop. I am overcome with disbelief, joy, glee, fear and disbelief all at the same time.

I keep looking at it. Do I think it will disappear if I stop looking?

My prayer is that every day I offer up my gratitude that my body knows what it is doing. And I will trust, whatever that means.

I surrender to you universe. I am on a journey, that I can not will or force into submission. It will be what it will be, and I will learn whatever I can from it.

Peeing on a stick has now changed my life twice- one in feb. 09 and last year in feb. 08.