I am, in some ways, dumbstruck by the depth of grief that takes hold following recurrent pregnancy loss. I never saw a heartbeat, never even saw fetal growth, only only empty sacs. And yet the wound it left deep within has rocked me to the core. It has been 2 1/2 years since our first miscarriage and 1 1/2 years since our second. And there is still a real rawness to the grief. I am certain that rawness has been stoked, by not only the two losses themselves, but the loss that is experienced month after month of now not being able to even get pregnant. It makes those momentary losses, perpetual losses.
But even as I find myself shocked at the grief that I carry with me, what is even more astonishing to me is the heart, the soul's, ability to hope. Spontaneous, unbridled hope.
There is no predictability for me as to what will be triggered in me at the sight of a round belly or a newborn infant. Sometimes it is a wave of hurt, envy, bitterness. But there are times in which I am overcome by wave of pure hope. That comes out of no where. There is no glimmer of grief. No envy. And in that moment, no doubt what so ever. Only hope.
A co-worker of mine came in to my office today with her 4 week old son. I didn't know she was coming to visit. I didn't have any opportunity to mentally prepare myself. I walked around the corner, and there she and he was. She stayed and visited for an hour, and we oohed and aahed at her little tiny boy. And the wave came- the wave that runs through me that says "I want that more than anything, and I will keep up the good fight..." There is no doubt, only hope.
The capacity to hope really astonishes me. There are no odds or statistics in my story that tell me that it makes sense to hope. The odds are against us and the longer we get into this journey, the less realistic it seems to have hope that we will ever bring home a child. And yet those waves of hope rush over me at times....
We are actively TTC again. It has been 6 months since our third and final IUI that failed. After that we decided to go it on our own for awhile and see what happened, save money for IVF or something, we didn't know. I (we) needed a break at first, and so weren't watching the calendar or tracking ovulation. But that mini-break turned in to 6 months of almost no sex anywhere near ovulation time. There was no one reason for that long break- but many reasons I guess- exhaustion, busy schedules, DH out of town, a tiredness in our relationship, etc. I feel like it was lost time, which is frustrating when I feel like the clock is always ticking. But I am trying to let it be what it is, and more on and recognize we probably really needed that time.
Life is back in sync, and we started actually trying again this month. DH is enthusiastically asking for me to tell him about my ovulation signs. It cracks me up that he is so interested, but I am also grateful that after all this time, even he can hope....